Shepherding a Child's Heart

1. Focus on the Heart, Not Just Behavior

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well-spring of life.

Behavior reflects heart. The Bible teaches that a person's life and actions are an overflow of what is in their heart (Proverbs 4:23, Mark 7:21, Luke 6:45). Parents often get sidetracked by focusing solely on controlling or changing external behavior because it's visible and irritating. However, behavior is merely a symptom, not the root problem.

Address the "why". True biblical parenting must look beyond the "what" of behavior to the "why" – the underlying attitudes, desires, and motivations of the heart. A change in behavior that doesn't stem from a change in heart is mere hypocrisy, like washing the outside of the cup while the inside remains unclean (Matthew 15). Discipline must expose the heart issues driving wrong actions.

Heart reveals idols. When we miss the heart, we miss the subtle idols children worship – self-love, rebellion, anger, pride (Romans 1). Helping children understand that straying behavior displays a straying heart shows them their profound need for grace and points them to the cross of Christ, who came to change hearts.

2. Parent as God's Agent, Not Your Own Boss

As a parent, you have authority because God calls you to be an authority in your child’s life.

Authority is delegated. Parents have authority not for their own convenience or agenda, but because God has appointed them as His agents to direct their children according to His will (Genesis 18:19, Deuteronomy 6, Ephesians 6:4). Understanding this means you are also under authority, having the same Master as your child, just different roles.

Act on God's behalf. Your task is to direct your children on God's behalf for their good, not to make them do what you want. This perspective prevents discipline from becoming an interpersonal contest or a venting of unholy anger, framing it instead as insisting your child obey God because it is right and good.

Confidence and mandate. Knowing you are God's agent provides both the confidence and the mandate to act. You don't need your child's permission to be in charge; God has given you the duty. This biblical view contrasts with cultural ideas of authority based on force or consent, teaching children that true freedom is found in obedience, not autonomy (Psalm 119:44-45).

3. Glorify God: The Only Worthy Parenting Goal

Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.

Chief end of man. The ultimate goal of parenting must align with the chief end of man: to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. This means equipping children to function in a world that has abandoned God, teaching them that true fulfillment is found only in knowing and serving Him (Psalm 73:25).

Reject worldly goals. Unbiblical goals like developing special skills, achieving psychological adjustment, getting saved as a one-time event, having well-behaved children, or achieving academic success, while not inherently evil, are insufficient as ultimate objectives. Pursuing these without reference to God teaches children to function on the world's terms, often feeding idols like materialism, pride, or fear of man.

Biblical worldview. Every aspect of life, from handling bullies to doing homework, must be framed within a biblical worldview that points children to God's standard and their need for His grace. Teaching them to obey for God's glory, not human approval, and to entrust themselves to God in the face of injustice keeps the gospel central and prevents hypocrisy.

4. Embrace Biblical Methods: Communication and the Rod

These passages couple the rod with rich entreaty.

Two essential methods. The Bible, particularly Proverbs, presents two primary methods for biblical childrearing: rich, multifaceted communication and the use of the rod. These are not opposing forces but complementary tools that must be woven together.

Communication and authority. Extensive communication prevents discipline from being cold or tyrannical, providing a context for understanding the child's heart. The use of the rod, when necessary, preserves biblically-rooted parental authority, underscoring the importance of the instruction given through communication.

Working together. Neither method is sufficient alone. Communication without the rod can lack necessary authority, while the rod without communication can be harsh and punitive. Together, they form a cohesive, God-pleasing approach to training children, addressing both their need for guidance and their need to confront folly.

5. Communication: Dialogue and Understanding

The finest art of communication is not learning how to express your thoughts. It is learning how to draw out the thoughts of another.

Dialogue, not monologue. Communication with children should be a dialogue, not just parents talking to children. It involves both speaking and listening, seeking to understand the child's thoughts and feelings, not merely having the child understand you (Proverbs 18:2, 18:13).

Understand the "why". In correction, the primary objective is to understand the internal struggle behind the behavior – the "why" (Luke 6:45). This requires peeling back layers of excuses and focusing on the heart issues, temptations, and motivations, rather than just venting parental feelings or anger.

Develop skills. Parents must develop skills to draw out their children, facilitate conversation, and discern heart matters (Proverbs 20:5). Modeling Christ's incarnation, coming alongside children to understand their world and struggles, enables parents to sympathize with their weaknesses and point them to the grace and help found in Him (Hebrews 4:14-16).

6. The Rod: God's Tool for Folly

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.

Address folly. The rod is a God-ordained tool specifically addressed to the folly bound up in a child's heart (Proverbs 22:15). Folly is not mere childishness but a lack of the fear of God, a refusal to submit to authority, and living according to one's own desires and fears (Psalm 14:1).

Rescue from death. The rod functions as a rescue mission, driving foolishness away and saving the child's soul from the spiritual death that results from unchecked rebellion (Proverbs 23:14). It is an act of faith and faithfulness, recognizing the child's dangerous state and employing God's prescribed remedy out of love.

Impart wisdom. Properly administered, the rod imparts wisdom (Proverbs 29:15), humbling the child and making him receptive to instruction. It teaches the importance of submission to authority and yields a harvest of righteousness and peace (Hebrews 12:11), contrasting with the disgrace brought by a child left to himself (Proverbs 29:15, 17).

7. Appeal to the Conscience: Your Ally in Discipline

Your correction and discipline must find their mark in the conscience of your son or daughter.

Conscience is God-given. God has given children a conscience, an inner sense of right and wrong that either excuses or accuses (Romans 2:12-16). This conscience is a powerful ally in discipline, as appealing to it can arouse conviction of sin and make correction effective.

Model Christ's approach. Jesus consistently appealed to the conscience, using parables and questions to force people to judge themselves and their motives (Matthew 21, Luke 7, Luke 10). This approach deals with root problems, not just surface issues, preventing children from escaping the implications of their sin.

Lead to the cross. Appealing to the conscience helps children see their sinfulness and need for Christ's redemptive work. It confronts them with their inability to meet God's standard apart from His grace, casting them on Christ rather than their own resources, and preventing the self-righteousness that comes from a keepable, external standard.

8. Shepherding Through Stages: Infancy to Childhood (Authority)

Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Primary lesson: Authority. The most important lesson for children during the period from infancy to age four or five is that they are individuals under authority, made by God and responsible to obey Him (Ephesians 6:1-3). This training begins from birth and is foundational for all future development.

Circle of blessing. God has drawn a circle of blessing around children who honor and obey their parents, promising that it will go well with them and they will enjoy long life (Ephesians 6:1-3). Disobedience moves them outside this circle of safety into a place of danger.

Rescue mission. Discipline (communication and the rod) functions as a rescue mission to return the child from the peril of rebellion back into the safety of submission to parental authority, which represents God's authority. This requires teaching children to obey without challenge, excuse, or delay, consistently intervening when they step outside the circle.

9. Shepherding Through Stages: Childhood (Character)

The big issue during these middle years is character.

Focus shifts to character. In the middle years (ages five to twelve), building on the foundation of submission to authority, the primary training objective shifts to character development. Children are gaining independence and facing situations outside parental oversight, requiring internal moral compass.

Beyond mere obedience. While obedience remains important, parents must move beyond simply requiring compliance to addressing character qualities like dependability, honesty, kindness, and self-control. This involves getting underneath behavior to address the thoughts, motives, and purposes of the heart, rather than just making more rules.

Train character biblically. Character development must be rooted in who God is and who the child is as His creature. This involves teaching children to live consistently with God's nature, understanding that they cannot achieve godly character apart from His grace and enablement, thus continually pointing them to Christ.

10. Shepherding Through Stages: Teenagers (Foundations for Life)

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

Period of transition. The teenage years are marked by insecurity, vulnerability, and the quest for independent identity, often accompanied by rebellion. Building on previous stages, the goal is to see children internalize three foundations for life from Proverbs 1:7-19.

Three foundations:

• The fear of the Lord: Living in awe and reverence for God, motivated by accountability to Him rather than the fear of man (Proverbs 1:7).
• Adherence to parental instruction: Valuing and embracing the wisdom and teaching of parents as a source of guidance and enrichment (Proverbs 1:8-9, 6:20-23).
• Disassociation from the wicked: Learning to discern and avoid the influence of those who despise God's ways (Proverbs 1:10-19).

Internalizing truth. Parents must help teenagers make these foundations functional in daily life, connecting biblical truth to their struggles with peer pressure, identity, and decision-making. Sharing personal struggles and demonstrating the viability of faith helps teens see parents as trusted guides.

11. The Gospel is Central to All Parenting

Keeping the gospel in focus, you see, is more than helping our children know forgiveness of sin through repentance and faith in Jesus Christ.

Gospel is comprehensive. The gospel is not just a message for salvation but the central focus for all of life and parenting. It addresses the deep needs of fallen humanity, offering forgiveness, internal transformation, and empowerment to live new lives (Ezekiel 36:25-27).

Addresses heart issues. By focusing on the heart and appealing to the conscience, parents continually expose their children's sinfulness and inability to meet God's standard, thus highlighting their desperate need for Christ's grace and power. The gospel is most relevant when children face their native rebellion and inability to obey God from the heart.

Hope and power. Discipline and correction should always lead children to the cross, where they can find hope, forgiveness, and the power to change. Holding out God's high standard, rather than a keepable one, serves as a schoolmaster to drive them to Christ, who alone can enable them to live righteously.

12. Consistency and Patience are Essential

Consistency is mandated if your children are to learn that God requires obedience.

Avoid inconsistency. Inconsistency in discipline sends mixed messages, teaching children that obedience is optional or dependent on parental mood. It is capricious and revolves around parental convenience rather than objective biblical principle, hindering the child's understanding that God requires obedience always.

Persevere faithfully. Teaching children to be under authority and developing character requires patient, consistent effort. It is a process, not an event, demanding perseverance from parents even when results are not immediately visible.

Long-term vision. Faithful parenting, even when difficult or seemingly ineffective in the short term, yields a harvest of peace and righteousness (Hebrews 12:11). Investing in consistent, biblical training in the early years can prevent ongoing authority contests and equip children with the wisdom and character needed for life.

Last updated: April 29, 2025