Stay or Leave

1. Relationships are about mutual growth, not unconditional acceptance

"I want you to change" is not a sign of cruelty; it's proof that someone cares.

Healthy relationships foster growth. The idea that true love means accepting someone exactly as they are is misguided. In reality, a good relationship should be a classroom where partners educate each other to become better versions of themselves. This doesn't mean constant criticism, but rather a supportive environment where both individuals feel safe to address their flaws and work on personal development.

Change is inevitable and necessary. We are all imperfect beings with room for improvement. Recognizing this fact and being open to change is a sign of emotional maturity. Partners who resist any suggestion of change may be insecure or unwilling to confront their own issues. A relationship that stagnates, where neither person grows or evolves, is likely to become unfulfilling over time.

2. Compatibility is less important than how differences are handled

The lover we desperately need is not the person who shares our every taste and interest; it is the kindly soul who has learnt to negotiate differences in taste with modesty and curiosity.

Differences are inevitable. No two people will ever be perfectly aligned in all their preferences, opinions, and habits. What matters more than initial compatibility is how couples navigate these differences. Successful relationships are built on mutual respect, open communication, and a willingness to understand and accommodate each other's perspectives.

Conflict resolution skills are crucial. The ability to listen without becoming defensive, to express needs clearly without aggression, and to find compromises that work for both partners is far more important than sharing the same hobbies or tastes. Couples who can turn differences into opportunities for growth and mutual understanding are more likely to build lasting, satisfying relationships than those who simply agree on everything but lack the skills to handle disagreements when they inevitably arise.

3. People can change, but it requires genuine effort and self-awareness

Those who bristle at the suggestion that they might need to change paradoxically provide the clearest evidence that they are in grave need of inner evolution.

Change is possible but challenging. While people can and do change, it often requires significant effort, self-reflection, and a genuine desire to improve. Simply recognizing the need for change is not enough; it must be followed by consistent action and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about oneself.

Resistance to change is a red flag. Partners who react defensively or aggressively to suggestions for personal growth may be struggling with deep-seated insecurities or past traumas. This resistance can be a major obstacle in relationships, as it prevents the kind of mutual growth and adaptation that healthy partnerships require. It's important to distinguish between partners who are genuinely working on themselves (even if progress is slow) and those who refuse to acknowledge any need for change.

4. Sex is often a proxy for deeper emotional needs and connection

No one ever feels a need to leave a relationship because of 'bad sex'. They may say, and be inwardly convinced, that poor lovemaking is the problem, but the real issue almost certainly lies elsewhere.

Sex is more than physical. While sexual compatibility is important in romantic relationships, issues in the bedroom often reflect deeper emotional or communication problems. Dissatisfaction with sex can be a symptom of feeling unheard, unappreciated, or disconnected from one's partner on a more fundamental level.

Intimacy extends beyond sex. True intimacy involves feeling understood, accepted, and emotionally close to one's partner. This can be expressed through:

• Deep, meaningful conversations
• Acts of kindness and thoughtfulness
• Physical affection outside of sex (hugs, holding hands, etc.)
• Shared experiences and quality time together
• Mutual support during difficult times

When these elements are present, couples are often more able to work through sexual issues or differences in libido. Conversely, when emotional intimacy is lacking, even physically satisfying sex may not be enough to sustain the relationship.

5. Children's well-being depends on stability, not parental relationship status

The reason the stay-or-leave question is so tricky is that children don't really care whether you stay or leave; they want an undisturbed life, a pleasant atmosphere and a good mood among the management, which could be compatible or incompatible with either choice.

Children need stability and security. The primary concern for children is not whether their parents are together, but whether they have a stable, loving environment in which to grow. This stability can be achieved in various family structures, including separated or divorced parents who maintain a respectful, cooperative relationship.

Parental conflict harms children. Staying together "for the children" in a high-conflict or emotionally cold relationship can be more detrimental than separating. Children are perceptive and can sense tension, unhappiness, or resentment between parents, which can lead to:

• Anxiety and stress
• Difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life
• Lower academic performance
• Behavioral problems

The key is to prioritize the emotional well-being of the children, whether that means working to improve the relationship or finding ways to co-parent effectively after separation.

6. Therapy can provide clarity and tools for relationship improvement

Couples therapy is a classroom where we can learn how to love.

Professional guidance can be invaluable. Therapy provides a neutral space for couples to explore their issues, improve communication, and gain insights into their relationship patterns. It can help partners:

• Identify root causes of conflicts
• Learn effective communication techniques
• Develop empathy and understanding for each other
• Work through past traumas or insecurities affecting the relationship
• Make informed decisions about the future of the relationship

Therapy is not just for crisis. Many couples benefit from therapy as a preventative measure or to enhance an already good relationship. It can provide tools and strategies to navigate future challenges and foster continued growth and connection.

7. Fear of loneliness shouldn't prevent leaving an unfulfilling relationship

Knowing our amnesiac tendencies, we can be certain that profound unpleasantness must have existed, for there would otherwise have been no explanation for our decision to rip our situation apart.

Loneliness is temporary, unhappiness is not. The fear of being alone often keeps people in unsatisfying relationships. However, the loneliness experienced after a breakup is usually temporary and can lead to personal growth and the opportunity for a more fulfilling relationship in the future.

Reframe solitude positively. Being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely. It can be an opportunity for:

• Self-discovery and personal growth
• Pursuing individual interests and passions
• Strengthening other relationships (friends, family)
• Developing independence and self-reliance
• Reflecting on what you truly want in a partner

Remember that staying in an unfulfilling relationship out of fear can lead to long-term unhappiness and resentment, which is often more damaging than short-term loneliness.

8. Self-awareness is crucial to avoid repeating relationship patterns

The least we can do to atone for the hurt we experience and cause in unhappy love stories is to make sure that we can – at a minimum – point to one or two things we have learnt that will make us a bit less dangerous next time.

Reflect on past relationships. Take time to analyze your role in previous relationships, both the positive and negative aspects. Consider:

• Patterns in partner selection
• Your typical responses to conflict
• Unresolved issues from childhood or past relationships
• Your communication style and emotional needs

Identify areas for personal growth. Based on your reflections, focus on improving yourself before entering a new relationship. This might involve:

• Seeking therapy or counseling
• Working on communication skills
• Addressing any underlying insecurities or traumas
• Setting clear boundaries and expectations

By becoming more self-aware and working on personal growth, you increase the likelihood of forming healthier, more satisfying relationships in the future.

9. Practical dependencies can mask emotional disconnection

To spare themselves the ravages of selfhatred, the departing lover should daily rehearse in their mind how they got to this place. As they head for the door, their truth is not 'I am leaving you because I hate you', but 'I am leaving you because I love you so much and have tried so hard, too hard, to elicit a matching love that never felt available.'

Practical interdependence is not emotional connection. Many couples stay together due to shared responsibilities (finances, children, household management) even when the emotional bond has weakened or disappeared. This can create a false sense of closeness or necessity that masks underlying issues.

Emotional independence is crucial. To have a truly healthy relationship, both partners should be capable of:

• Managing their own emotions and well-being
• Pursuing individual interests and friendships
• Making decisions independently when necessary
• Maintaining a sense of self outside the relationship

Developing emotional independence can help clarify whether the relationship is truly fulfilling or if it's being maintained out of habit or convenience.

10. The decision to leave isn't always about disliking the partner

Someone can be wrong now but have been right in all sorts of ways for a very long time. That we still have feelings for our partner is not a sign that we must stay with them; nor is the fact that we are leaving evidence that we must hate them.

Love and compatibility are different. It's possible to love someone deeply and still recognize that the relationship isn't working. Reasons for ending a relationship can include:

• Diverging life goals or values
• Unresolved recurring conflicts
• Lack of emotional or intellectual connection
• Incompatible visions for the future

Appreciate the good while moving forward. Acknowledging the positive aspects of the relationship and the partner doesn't negate the decision to leave. It's possible to:

• Feel gratitude for shared experiences and growth
• Recognize the partner's positive qualities
• Wish them well in their future endeavors
• Maintain fond memories of the relationship

This approach can lead to a more amicable separation and personal growth for both individuals.

11. Nostalgia can distort perceptions of past relationships

We should trust not what we feel now, in our weepy, disconsolate state, but what we must have known then.

Memories are selective. When experiencing loneliness or challenges after a breakup, it's common to romanticize the past relationship, focusing on positive moments and overlooking the reasons for ending it. This nostalgia can be misleading and potentially harmful if it leads to doubting a well-considered decision.

Reality check strategies:

• Review journal entries or messages from during the relationship
• Talk to trusted friends who witnessed the relationship
• Make a list of specific reasons for ending the relationship
• Focus on personal growth and positive changes since the breakup

By maintaining a realistic perspective on the past relationship, you can avoid idealizing it and make more informed decisions about your future.

12. Compromise in relationships can be a sign of maturity, not weakness

Couples who compromise may not, in reality, be the sworn enemies of love; they may be at the vanguard of understanding what staying the course in a relationship can demand.

Perfect relationships don't exist. The idea that a relationship should be constantly fulfilling and free of conflict is unrealistic. Mature relationships involve:

• Accepting imperfections in oneself and one's partner
• Finding a balance between individual needs and shared goals
• Navigating differences with respect and understanding

Healthy compromise vs. settling. There's a difference between compromising on minor issues and settling for a fundamentally unsatisfying relationship. Healthy compromise involves:

• Both partners making concessions
• Maintaining core values and essential needs
• Finding creative solutions that benefit both individuals
• Open communication about needs and boundaries

Recognizing when compromise is appropriate and when it's a sign of deeper incompatibility is crucial for relationship success and personal fulfillment.

Last updated: August 14, 2024