Supernormal

1. Resilience is a complex phenomenon, not just bouncing back.

According to the American Psychological Association, resilience is adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, or significant ongoing stressors.

Beyond bouncing back. Resilience isn't simply recovering quickly or returning to a prior state, as popular definitions suggest. It's a complex process of adapting and achieving unexpected competence despite significant challenges. Individuals like Helen, who overcame profound loss and hardship yet felt exhausted and "not normal," demonstrate that resilience is often a fierce, unrelenting battle, not an easy rebound.

A phenomenon observed. Social scientists view resilience as a phenomenon – something observable but not fully understood or easily defined by a simple trait. It's doing better than expected when much has been bad. This often involves navigating difficulties not just in spite of, but sometimes even because of, the experiences faced.

More than skin-deep. While resilient individuals may appear successful and unfazed externally, they often struggle internally with stress, loneliness, and health issues. The effort of constantly battling adversity takes a toll, suggesting that resilience, while powerful, may sometimes be only skin-deep in terms of physical and emotional well-being.

2. Childhood adversity is surprisingly common.

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions—or if you lived with an adversity not mentioned just above—you are not the only one.

Widespread experiences. Contrary to popular belief, growing up with significant adversity is not rare. Studies show that up to 75% of children and teens are exposed to one or more adverse experiences before age twenty, such as:

• Parental death or divorce
• Abuse (verbal, physical, sexual)
• Parental substance abuse or mental illness
• Bullying
• Household dysfunction (incarceration, neglect)

Adversity packages. These challenges often don't occur in isolation but come bundled together, with one problem leading to another. The most prevalent adversities are not one-time shocks but ongoing "strain traumas" that cause wear and tear over time, accumulating their full weight into adulthood.

Toxic stress impact. Chronic exposure to adversity results in toxic stress, which negatively impacts developing bodies and brains. This chronic stress is linked to a wide range of adult health problems, from depression and anxiety to heart disease and autoimmune disorders, highlighting the profound physical cost of difficult childhoods.

3. Fear and confusion lead to unspoken secrets.

I’m seven years old, talking to myself, because I’m scared, and because I’m the only person who listens to me.

Scared speechless. When faced with frightening or confusing situations, children often go silent. The amygdala, the brain's fear hub, can quiet Broca's area, the speech center, leading to a state of being "scared speechless." This is an adaptive response to avoid drawing attention in dangerous environments.

Lack of language. Children may also lack the words or categories to understand and articulate what is happening, especially with complex adult problems like parental addiction or mental illness. When adults fail to explain or acknowledge these issues, children are left with a silent awareness that something is wrong but unspeakable.

Secrets and isolation. Experiences that cannot be named or discussed are often stored away, eventually feeling like secrets. Keeping these secrets, whether intentional or automatic, can lead to feelings of being different, abnormal, and isolated, even from those closest to them.

4. Fighting back is a powerful, often internal, force.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.

Fight or flight. When threatened, our instinctual response is to fight back or run away. For children who cannot physically fight or flee, this battle often takes place internally, fueled by determination and a refusal to be defeated by their circumstances.

Anger as motivation. While often seen negatively, anger can be a powerful, adaptive emotion. When channeled constructively, it moves us to attack problems and resist the status quo. Studies show that anger, particularly when coupled with a sense of power, activates the brain's goal-directed areas and can lead to persistence and optimism about one's ability to make things happen.

Grit and striving. This fighting spirit manifests as grit – passion and perseverance for long-term goals. Resilient individuals, like Paul who overcame bullying through judo and running, often attribute their success to this determination. They use their strengths, whether intellect, athleticism, or words, to battle adversity and prove their capability.

5. Escaping adversity can mean mental flight.

If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can transform one million realities.

Distancing as coping. When fighting back or physical escape isn't possible, resilient children find ways to distance themselves mentally from difficult surroundings. This emotion-focused coping involves shifting attention away from stressors, often through absorption in activities or fantasy.

Finding refuge. Activities like listening to music, reading, playing games, or daydreaming provide temporary escapes. These absorbing tasks reduce stress, preserve a sense of safety, and allow the mind to wander to better places, even when the body is trapped.

Future orientation. For many supernormals, the future becomes the ultimate escape. Fantasizing about future selves and possibilities, like Mara planning her escape to a faraway college, provides hope and motivation. This future orientation can transform passive coping into proactive planning, merging flight with goal-directed striving.

6. Chronic stress creates hypervigilance.

I’ve got second sight and amazing powers of observation.

Always on alert. Growing up in unpredictable or dangerous environments, like Jessie with her abusive sister, teaches children to be constantly vigilant. Their brains become wired to scan for threats, developing a heightened sensitivity to potential danger cues, such as angry facial expressions.

Enhanced detection. This hypervigilance can manifest as an uncanny ability to spot when something "ain't right." Studies show that children exposed to violence are quicker to detect anger and remain on alert longer than their peers, a survival skill developed from living in a minefield.

Cost of vigilance. While adaptive for survival, chronic hyperarousal takes a toll. It can lead to physical and mental exhaustion, anxiety, sleep problems, and difficulty relaxing. The brain's constant state of alert, intended to protect, can make everyday life feel like a never-ending battle, even long after the original threat is gone.

7. Supernormals often feel like aliens or antiheroes.

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

Feeling different. Despite external success, many supernormals feel fundamentally different from others, like aliens or outsiders. Their unusual experiences and the secrets they keep create a sense of not belonging or not being "normal."

The burden of being "superhuman". Children who compensate for family dysfunction by being overly responsible or excelling academically may become "supersiblings" or "family heroes." They feel they must be superhuman, suppressing their own needs and emotions, which leads to feelings of being unreal or not fully human.

Internal contradictions. Like antiheroes such as Spider-Man, supernormals often grapple with internal turmoil and contradictions. They may feel like frauds, believing they are secretly bad or undeserving despite their good deeds and accomplishments. This internal conflict stems from navigating a world where their true selves and experiences feel incompatible with the expectations of others.

8. Secrets isolate, but sharing builds community.

Like burglars who secretly wish to be caught, we leave our fingerprints on broken locks, our voiceprints in bugged rooms, our footprints in the wet concrete.

The burden of secrecy. Keeping secrets, especially about difficult childhood experiences, is mentally and physically taxing. It requires constant vigilance and can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation, even contributing to health problems.

Talking cures. Research suggests that talking about secrets, even years later, can be healing. Putting experiences into words helps organize confusing thoughts and feelings, shifting brain activity from emotional centers to rational ones. This process of "naming it to tame it" makes experiences less overwhelming.

Finding connection. Sharing secrets, particularly with trusted confidants or in supportive groups, combats isolation. It fosters a sense of communality and belonging, creating a "secret society" where individuals feel understood and less alone. This connection is crucial for healing and well-being.

9. Adulthood offers second chances and reboots.

I come from nowhere.

Opportunity for change. The transition to adulthood presents significant "second-chance opportunities" for supernormals. It's a time of reorganization where individuals can take control of their lives and break free from the environmental traps of their past.

Creating a new identity. Reboots involve more than just changing location; they offer the chance to reinvent oneself. Supernormals may change cities, jobs, or even names to create a new identity, leaving behind the assumptions and expectations tied to their past.

The power of new experiences. New surroundings and experiences, like Anton's journey west, can help the brain forget or fail to remember painful past events by crowding them out with new learning. This physical distancing supports mental compartmentalization, allowing supernormals to live more fully in the present.

10. Love and relationships are key to healing and thriving.

Love is the prerogative of the brave.

The most important factor. Decades of research, including the long-running Grant Study, point to love and close relationships as the most significant predictors of adult well-being and happiness. This includes love from partners, friends, family, and even children.

Healing power of connection. Positive interactions and supportive relationships quiet the brain's stress response and activate reward systems. This "undoing effect" of love helps mend the strain and trauma from past adversities, promoting physical and mental health.

Bravery in connection. For supernormals, seeking and maintaining close relationships requires immense courage. It means daring to trust, to be vulnerable, and to believe they are worthy of love, even when past experiences suggest otherwise. Love is not just a luxury but a fundamental coping mechanism for survival and thriving.

11. The struggle is lifelong, but goodness can prevail.

Real life is messy, inconsistent, and it’s seldom when anything ever really gets resolved.

Never-ending battle. The journey of a supernormal is often a lifelong process. The battle between the impact of past adversities and the pursuit of a good life continues, with no simple, neat endings.

Good outweighs bad. While bad experiences can be powerful, especially early in life, positive experiences can accumulate over time. Research suggests that in the long run, what goes right matters more than what goes wrong, and the quality of adult relationships can significantly offset the effects of childhood hardship.

Choosing goodness. Supernormals can choose to own their strengths, share their stories with trusted others, prioritize self-care, and build relationships based on mutual care rather than the need to rescue or be rescued. By focusing on creating goodness in their present lives, they can find healing, meaning, and a sense of normalcy, even if the past is never entirely erased.

Last updated: May 5, 2025