The Advice Trap

1. Recognize the Advice Trap: Giving advice doesn't always work

The Advice Trap: We keep giving advice even though it doesn't work that well.

Advice-giving pitfalls. Leaders often fall into the trap of constantly offering advice, believing it's their primary way to add value. However, this approach frequently backfires for several reasons:

• Wrong problem: Rushing to give advice often means solving the first challenge mentioned, not the real underlying issue.
• Mediocre solutions: Our advice is often based on incomplete information and our own biases, leading to suboptimal solutions.
• Demotivation: Constant advice-giving can make team members feel undervalued and reduce their autonomy and mastery.

Impact on leadership. The Advice Trap has far-reaching consequences:

• Overwhelmed leaders: Taking on everyone's problems leads to burnout
• Compromised team effectiveness: Overreliance on the leader's input stifles creativity and growth
• Limited organizational change: Entrenches the status quo, hindering innovation and agility

2. Understand Hard Change vs. Easy Change in behavior modification

Hard Change: You don't need a new app; you need a new operating system.

Easy Change vs. Hard Change. Becoming more coach-like is typically a Hard Change, requiring a fundamental shift in behavior:

Easy Change:

• Additive: Adding new skills or knowledge
• Visible problem with clear solution
• Quick to implement and see results

Hard Change:

• Transformative: Changing core beliefs and habits
• Requires overcoming ingrained patterns
• Involves discomfort and potential setbacks

Present You vs. Future You. Hard Change involves choosing long-term benefits (Future You) over short-term comfort (Present You). This requires:

• Recognizing the "upside of dysfunction" - the benefits you get from current behavior
• Committing to the bigger rewards of Future You leadership
• Accepting initial discomfort for long-term growth

3. Tame your Advice Monster: Tell-It, Save-It, and Control-It personas

You must have the answer! If you don't Tell-It, nothing will get solved and we'll fail.

The Advice Monster's personas:

1. Tell-It: Believes you must always have the answer
2. Save-It: Feels responsible for solving everyone's problems
3. Control-It: Fears losing control and tries to manage everything

Taming process:

1. Identify triggers: Recognize what sets off your Advice Monster
2. Confess behaviors: Acknowledge specific unhelpful actions
3. Analyze Prizes & Punishments: Understand short-term benefits and long-term costs
4. Envision Future You: Clarify the benefits of changing your behavior

Core belief to challenge: "You're better than the other person." Recognize this mindset as unsustainable and disempowering for both you and your team.

4. Master the art of staying curious longer

Coaching is simple: Stay curious a little longer. Rush to action and advice-giving a little more slowly.

The Coaching Toolkit:

• 1 definition: Stay curious longer, rush to action less
• 3 principles: Be Lazy, Be Curious, Be Often
• 7 essential questions:
  1. "What's on your mind?" (The Kickstart Question)
  2. "And what else?" (The AWE Question)
  3. "What's the real challenge here for you?" (The Focus Question)
  4. "What do you want?" (The Foundation Question)
  5. "If you're saying Yes to this, what must you say No to?" (The Strategy Question)
  6. "How can I help?" (The Lazy Question)
  7. "What was most useful or valuable here for you?" (The Learning Question)

Combating Foggy-fiers: Recognize and address patterns that obscure the real challenge:

• Twirling: Jumping on the first problem mentioned
• Coaching the Ghost: Focusing on absent people/situations
• Settling: Avoiding the real, uncomfortable issue
• Popcorning: Rapid-fire problem listing
• Big-Picturing: Staying abstract and impersonal
• Yarning: Excessive storytelling

5. Implement the TERA framework to increase engagement

If your Advice Monster is on the loose, people are opting out of your conversations.

TERA framework: Increase engagement by addressing four key drivers:

1. Tribe: "Are you with me, or against me?"

   • Be on their side
   • Remove barriers between you
   • Use inclusive language and shared goals

2. Expectation: "Do I know what's about to happen, or not?"

   • Show them the future
   • Provide clear structure and milestones
   • Explain processes as they happen

3. Rank: "Are you more or less important than me?"

   • Raise them up
   • Ask questions to value their input
   • Lower your own status when appropriate

4. Autonomy: "Do I have any say in this, or not?"

   • Give them choice
   • Find opportunities for decision-making
   • Avoid rescuing or taking over

Balancing TERA: Adjust these elements like a mixing board, raising the overall TERA Quotient to create irresistible interactions and seal the exits from disengagement.

6. Embrace generosity in coaching conversations

Generous silence can allow the delicate insights of a conversation to blossom and bloom.

Three forms of coaching generosity:

1. Generous silence:

   • Move from anxiety about silence to comfort
   • Allow space for reflection and insight
   • Even brief silences (3-5 seconds) can be transformative

2. Generous transparency:

   • Share your internal process and feelings
   • Admit when you're unsure or confused
   • Increase trust and authenticity in the conversation

3. Generous appreciation:

   • Move beyond task-based praise
   • Acknowledge qualities and character traits
   • Offer appreciation during struggles, not just successes

Impact of generosity: These practices create a safe, open environment for deeper exploration and growth, enhancing the coaching relationship and outcomes.

7. Cultivate vulnerability to become a better leader and coachee

Coaching encourages taking responsibility for your own freedom.

Embracing vulnerability:

• Recognize your own avoidance tactics in being coached
• Confess these strategies to your coach or mentor
• Prepare for discomfort as you explore new territory

Strategies for effective "coachability":

• Shape your environment: Choose coaching locations conducive to reflection
• Check in with yourself: Use pre-conversation rituals to set intentions
• Practice self-coaching: Regularly ask yourself powerful questions

Benefits of vulnerability:

• Deepens empathy and understanding of the coaching process
• Enhances your ability to coach others effectively
• Accelerates personal growth and leadership development

8. Balance coaching with strategic advice-giving

Learning to tone down the assuredness in the way you present your idea reduces pressure.

When to give advice:

• In time-sensitive situations
• When explicitly asked for a direct answer
• When the decision truly falls under your authority

Strategies for effective advice-giving:

1. Define it: Recognize appropriate moments for advice
2. Diminish it: Use phrases to reduce pressure, e.g., "Here's my best guess..."
3. Deliver it: When necessary, give advice clearly and confidently
4. Debrief it: Check how your advice landed and if it was helpful

Maintaining balance: Remember that coaching is one of six leadership styles identified by Daniel Goleman. Advice-giving has its place, but should be used judiciously and skillfully to complement a coach-like approach.

Last updated: January 25, 2025