Key Takeaways
1. Control is a mirage: We have less power than we think
When we try to control something in order to fix it, we will end up breaking it even more.
The illusion of control permeates our lives, from our relationships to our circumstances. We often believe we have more power over outcomes than we actually do. This false sense of control is reinforced by:
- Technology and modern conveniences
- Access to vast amounts of information
- Cultural emphasis on individual autonomy
The reality of our limitations becomes apparent in situations like:
- Natural disasters and global pandemics
- Unexpected health issues
- The choices and actions of others
Recognizing our lack of control is not about helplessness, but about aligning our expectations with reality and finding peace in surrendering to God's sovereignty.
2. The psychology of control: Why we crave it and how it affects us
Humans cannot tolerate uncertainty.
Our need for control is deeply rooted in human psychology. We seek control to:
- Reduce anxiety and feel safe
- Make sense of a chaotic world
- Avoid feelings of helplessness
The illusion of control manifests in various ways:
- Superstitions and rituals
- Over-planning and micromanagement
- Attempts to predict the future
Research shows that even the illusion of control can reduce anxiety, which explains why we cling to it so desperately. However, this false sense of security often leads to greater distress when our illusions are shattered by reality.
3. Knowledge and power: Tools we misuse for control
Knowledge positions us nearer to God, not equal to God.
The information age has given us unprecedented access to knowledge, leading many to believe that with enough information, we can control any situation. This manifests in:
- Obsessive research on health issues
- Constant monitoring of news and social media
- Attempts to manipulate others through information
The limits of knowledge become apparent when we realize that:
- Knowing something doesn't equate to controlling it
- Information overload can lead to anxiety and decision paralysis
- True wisdom involves recognizing our limitations
Instead of using knowledge as a tool for control, we should view it as a means to better understand and appreciate the complexity of God's creation.
4. Money and autonomy: False securities in our quest for control
Whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with income.
Financial control is often seen as a path to security and freedom. We believe that:
- More money equals more control over our lives
- Wealth can protect us from life's uncertainties
The pitfalls of financial control include:
- Never feeling like we have "enough"
- Using money to manipulate others
- Placing our trust in wealth rather than God
Autonomy, or self-governance, is another way we seek control. Our culture emphasizes:
- Individual choice and self-determination
- Rejection of external authority
However, true freedom comes not from unlimited choice, but from operating within God-given boundaries and in community with others.
5. Theology and shame: Spiritual distortions in our pursuit of control
The prosperity gospel looks at the world as it is and promises a solution. It guarantees that faith will always make a way.
Theological distortions can arise from our desire for control, such as:
- The prosperity gospel: believing faith guarantees worldly success
- Using shame as a tool for behavior modification
- Believing we can earn God's favor through our actions
These distortions lead to:
- Spiritual disillusionment when life doesn't go as planned
- A works-based approach to faith that denies God's grace
- Unhealthy relationships with God and others
Instead, we must embrace a theology that acknowledges God's sovereignty and our dependence on His grace.
6. The costs of control: Broken relationships, burnout, and anxiety
Whenever we try to control someone or something, simply because we can, we are exercising power.
Relational costs of control include:
- Manipulation and coercion of others
- Lack of trust and authentic connection
- Inability to accept others as they are
Personal costs manifest as:
- Chronic anxiety from trying to manage every outcome
- Burnout from overworking to ensure success
- Disappointment when reality doesn't match our expectations
These costs highlight the futility of seeking control and the need for a different approach to life's uncertainties.
7. Body image and identity: The exhausting struggle to control ourselves
We believe our bodies are not good, so we try to make them good.
Body control attempts often stem from:
- Cultural ideals of beauty and health
- Fear of aging and mortality
- Desire for acceptance and validation
Identity control manifests in:
- Constant reinvention of self
- Performative authenticity
- Pressure to "find oneself"
Both forms of control lead to exhaustion and dissatisfaction, as we can never fully achieve the ideals we set for ourselves. True peace comes from accepting our God-given identity and the inherent value of our bodies as they are.
8. Agency: The God-given alternative to control
God does not give us control, but he does give us agency.
Agency is the power to influence ourselves and our circumstances within God-given limits. It differs from control in that it:
- Acknowledges our role as partners with God
- Operates within the boundaries of creation
- Recognizes our limitations while empowering us to act
By embracing agency, we can:
- Work effectively within our sphere of influence
- Find peace in surrendering ultimate outcomes to God
- Experience the freedom that comes from accepting our limitations
9. Practical tools: Naming, ordering, and limiting as forms of agency
Naming tames these forces.
Practical ways to exercise agency include:
- Naming: Identifying and articulating what we're experiencing
- Ordering: Creating systems and routines to manage our lives
- Creating: Using our God-given creativity to solve problems
- Setting limits: Establishing healthy boundaries
- Practicing care: Stewarding our resources and relationships
- Praying: Bringing our concerns to God
- Self-examining: Honestly assessing our motives and actions
These tools help us navigate life's challenges without succumbing to the illusion of control.
10. Self-control: The one area where we truly have power
Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city.
Self-control is the ability to choose what's important over what's urgent. It involves:
- Regulating our emotions and impulses
- Making choices aligned with our values and goals
- Resisting immediate gratification for long-term benefits
The power of self-control comes from:
- The Holy Spirit, as a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23)
- Practice and cultivation of spiritual disciplines
- Recognition of our agency in shaping our character
By focusing on self-control, we redirect our energy from futile attempts to control our circumstances to the one area where we truly have influence: our own choices and actions.
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FAQ
1. What is "The Cost of Control" by Sharon Hodde Miller about?
- Explores Our Craving for Control: The book examines why humans are obsessed with control, how this desire manifests in daily life, and the anxiety it produces.
- Biblical and Psychological Insights: Miller combines theological reflection with psychological research to explain the roots and consequences of our control issues.
- Four-Part Structure: The book is organized into four sections—why we control, how we control, what it costs us, and the real power God promises.
- Practical and Pastoral Approach: Through personal stories, biblical examples, and practical exercises, Miller guides readers toward surrendering unhealthy control and embracing God’s agency.
2. Why should I read "The Cost of Control" by Sharon Hodde Miller?
- Addresses Modern Anxiety: The book tackles the widespread anxiety and burnout in today’s culture, linking it to our obsession with control.
- Offers Spiritual Solutions: Miller provides a faith-based framework for understanding and overcoming the illusion of control, making it especially relevant for Christian readers.
- Practical Tools for Change: Readers receive actionable advice, prayers, and self-examination questions to help break free from control-driven habits.
- Empathetic and Relatable: Miller’s candid storytelling and vulnerability make the book accessible and comforting for anyone struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, or the need to control.
3. What are the key takeaways from "The Cost of Control"?
- Control Is an Illusion: Much of what we try to control is beyond our actual power, and the illusion of control only increases anxiety.
- Control Comes at a Cost: Attempting to control people, circumstances, or outcomes often leads to broken relationships, burnout, shame, and spiritual exhaustion.
- Agency vs. Control: God does not promise us control, but He does give us agency—the ability to influence ourselves and our environment within healthy, God-given limits.
- True Freedom in Surrender: Lasting peace and freedom come not from grasping for control, but from trusting God and practicing self-control through the Holy Spirit.
4. How does Sharon Hodde Miller define "control" in "The Cost of Control"?
- Power and Perception: Control is defined as both the power to influence the world around us and the sense of empowerment that comes with it.
- Illusion of Control: Miller highlights that often, it’s not actual control we seek, but the feeling or illusion of being in control.
- Distinction from Agency: She distinguishes control (absolute power) from agency (limited, God-given influence), emphasizing that only God has true control.
- Rooted in Safety: The desire for control is often a misguided attempt to feel safe and secure in an unpredictable world.
5. What are the main ways people try to control their lives, according to "The Cost of Control"?
- Knowledge and Information: Seeking certainty through information, research, and overconsumption of news or advice.
- Power: Using authority, manipulation, or coercion to influence others or situations.
- Money: Relying on wealth or financial security as a means to feel safe and in control.
- Autonomy: Insisting on self-governance, rejecting accountability, and equating freedom with lack of restraint.
- Theology and Shame: Using religious beliefs or shame to explain, justify, or control outcomes and people.
6. What are the psychological and spiritual consequences of seeking control, as described in "The Cost of Control"?
- Increased Anxiety: The more we try to control the uncontrollable, the more anxious and unsettled we become.
- Broken Relationships: Attempts to control others often result in damaged trust, resentment, and relational distance.
- Burnout and Exhaustion: The relentless pursuit of control leads to physical, emotional, and spiritual depletion.
- Shame and Guilt: When control fails, people often internalize shame, believing they are at fault for negative outcomes.
- Spiritual Stagnation: Overemphasis on control stifles faith, trust in God, and the ability to experience true peace.
7. How does "The Cost of Control" connect the rise in anxiety to our culture’s relationship with control?
- Modern Culture Disciples Us: Miller argues that technology, instant gratification, and societal values disciple us into expecting control over every aspect of life.
- Systemic, Not Just Personal: Anxiety is not only an individual issue but is embedded in the rhythms and expectations of modern society.
- Illusion Shattered by Crisis: Events like the COVID-19 pandemic expose the fragility of our perceived control, leading to spikes in collective anxiety.
- Control-Anxiety Cycle: The more we seek control to alleviate anxiety, the more anxious we become when control proves impossible.
8. What is the difference between "control" and "agency" in Sharon Hodde Miller’s framework?
- Control Is Absolute, Agency Is Limited: Control seeks total power over outcomes, while agency acknowledges our God-given, limited influence.
- Agency as Partnership: Agency involves partnering with God, accepting boundaries, and acting responsibly within our sphere of influence.
- Healthy vs. Unhealthy Influence: Agency is about wise stewardship and self-control; control is about manipulation and overreach.
- Practical Examples: Agency includes naming problems, setting boundaries, caring for creation and self, praying, and self-examination.
9. What practical steps or methods does "The Cost of Control" recommend for breaking free from unhealthy control?
- Practice Naming and Ordering: Identify and name the real issues, and bring order to your life through healthy routines and boundaries.
- Embrace Limitation: Accept and honor your God-given limits, rather than fighting against them.
- Cultivate Agency: Focus on what you can influence—your responses, habits, and attitudes—rather than what you cannot control.
- Prioritize Prayer and Self-Examination: Bring your anxieties and desires for control to God, and regularly reflect on your motives and actions.
- Choose Self-Control: Exercise the fruit of the Spirit by responding thoughtfully rather than reactively, and by taking responsibility for your own behavior.
10. How does "The Cost of Control" address the role of faith and theology in overcoming the need for control?
- Gospel as the Antidote: Miller asserts that the gospel offers true security and peace, not through control, but through trust in God’s sovereignty.
- Exposes Prosperity Theology: The book critiques the prosperity gospel and other theologies that promise control over outcomes in exchange for faith or good behavior.
- Emphasizes Surrender: True faith involves surrendering illusions of control and embracing God’s promises, even in uncertainty.
- Encourages Community and Accountability: The Christian life is meant to be lived in community, with mutual support and wise counsel, not in isolated self-reliance.
11. What are some of the most impactful quotes from "The Cost of Control" and what do they mean?
- “Whenever we reach for control to save us, it always comes with a cost.” — Highlights the central thesis that control is a Faustian bargain with negative consequences.
- “The more we seek control, the less control we feel.” — Emphasizes the paradox that striving for control increases anxiety and insecurity.
- “God does not give us control, but he does give us agency.” — Distinguishes between unhealthy striving for power and healthy, God-given influence.
- “To be a disciple of Jesus is to profess that it is the Truth, not an illusion, that sets us free.” — Reminds readers that freedom and peace come from embracing reality and God’s truth, not illusions of control.
12. What is the ultimate message or hope offered by Sharon Hodde Miller in "The Cost of Control"?
- Freedom Through Surrender: True peace and security are found not in controlling life, but in surrendering to God’s love and sovereignty.
- Embrace Agency, Not Control: God invites us to exercise agency—naming, ordering, creating, caring, praying, and self-examining—within our limits.
- Self-Control as True Power: The only form of control God calls us to is self-control, empowered by the Holy Spirit.
- Jesus Paid the Cost: The gospel assures us that Jesus has already paid the price for our failed attempts at control, offering us rest, grace, and a better way forward.
Review Summary
The Cost of Control receives mostly positive reviews, with readers praising its insightful exploration of control issues and biblical perspectives. Many find it relatable, convicting, and helpful in understanding anxiety and surrendering control to God. Some readers appreciate the reflection questions and practical applications, while others wish for more depth or practical solutions. A few critics felt the book was too focused on the author's personal experiences or lacked relevance to their specific struggles. Overall, reviewers recommend it for those grappling with control and anxiety.
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