The Essential Guide to Raising Complex Kids with ADHD, Anxiety, and More

1. Embrace the complexity of raising challenging children

"Complex kids are complicated. Any adult can use a coach approach to enroll young people to take ownership of their lives."

Redefine success. Parenting complex children with conditions like ADHD, anxiety, or learning disabilities requires a shift in perspective. Rather than aiming for perfection, focus on progress and incremental growth. Recognize that your child's journey may not follow a typical timeline, and that's okay.

Develop a marathon mindset. Raising complex kids is a long-term endeavor that requires patience, endurance, and adaptability. Take a step back from day-to-day struggles and focus on the bigger picture of your child's development. Remember that setbacks are normal and part of the learning process for both you and your child.

• Embrace the "up until now" perspective to let go of past struggles
• Cultivate a growth mindset for yourself and your child
• Celebrate small victories and progress along the way

2. Shift from reactive parenting to a coach-like approach

"You can't control what happens; you can only control how you respond to what happens."

Adopt a coach-like stance. Instead of constantly directing and correcting your child, shift to a more collaborative approach. Ask open-ended questions, listen actively, and guide your child to develop their own problem-solving skills. This approach empowers your child and strengthens your relationship.

Practice emotional regulation. Learn to manage your own triggers and reactions to model healthy emotional regulation for your child. Use the "Four Steps to Escaping the Stress Cycle" to reclaim your brain from emotional hijacking:

1. Recognize when someone's brain is triggered
2. Reclaim the brain from amygdala hijack
3. Make up a new story that works for you
4. Take action based on the new story

3. Understand and activate your child's unique brain

"For complex kids, it's not whether you need to activate the brain, it's how."

Explore executive function. Understand the six key areas of executive function: task management, attention management, energy/effort management, emotion management, information management, and action management. Recognize how these areas impact your child's behavior and ability to self-regulate.

Harness motivation. Learn to identify and leverage your child's unique motivators using the P.I.N.C.H. framework:

• Play: Make tasks fun and enjoyable
• Interest: Find compelling aspects of tasks
• Novelty: Introduce new elements to maintain engagement
• Competition: Use healthy competition when appropriate
• Hurry-Up (Urgency): Leverage deadlines and time pressure

4. Foster positivity and set realistic expectations

"Shifting expectations is not to be confused with settling for 'less' or 'lowering' your expectations. The goal here is to set realistic expectations in the short term, and hold a powerful vision of who our kids can be and what they can achieve in the long term."

Create a positive tone. Focus on catching your child being good and acknowledging their efforts and successes. Aim for a 5:1 ratio of positive comments to corrections. This approach builds self-esteem and encourages your child to keep trying.

Shift expectations with the 3-5 Challenge. Recognize that complex kids often have a 3-5 year delay in some aspects of their development. When setting expectations:

1. Ask yourself, "What do I expect in this scenario?"
2. Subtract 3-5 years from your child's age
3. Ask, "Would it be reasonable to expect a child 3-5 years younger to complete this task independently?"

5. Implement effective systems and structures

"The goal of any solution is not to use the system or structure; it's to achieve a desired outcome."

Focus on problem-solving. Instead of searching for quick fixes, embrace a problem-solving approach. Use the Impact Model to address challenges systematically:

1. Take AIM (identify the specific change you want to see)
2. Get Educated (gather information and perspectives)
3. Plan (explore solutions considering brain activation, positivity, expectations, and systems)
4. Act (implement your plan)
5. Rinse and Repeat (evaluate and adjust as needed)
6. Self Care (prioritize your own well-being)

Keep it simple and flexible. Avoid overly complicated systems that become burdensome. Create simple, adaptable structures that can evolve with your child's needs. Remember that consistency is important, but flexibility allows for learning and growth.

6. Cultivate ownership and independence gradually

"News flash: At the end of your life, you don't want to be the leading expert on your child. You want them to become the leading experts on themselves."

Foster collaboration. Work with your child to set goals and develop solutions, rather than imposing your agenda. Use the four phases of parenting to guide your approach:

1. Motivate effort and direct work
2. Motivate ownership and model organization
3. Transfer ownership and support organization
4. Empower, champion, and troubleshoot

Encourage self-advocacy. Teach your child to ask for and accept help when needed. Model this behavior yourself and create a safe environment for vulnerability. Help your child develop the skills to understand their needs and communicate them effectively.

7. Practice self-care and continuous improvement

"You can't figure out what's working effectively if you're not clear on what you're trying to improve, and what your options are for doing just that."

Prioritize self-care. Recognize that taking care of yourself is essential for effective parenting. Identify activities that nourish and rejuvenate you, and make time for them regularly. Remember that self-care models positive self-management for your children.

Embrace continuous improvement. Adopt a "rinse and repeat" mentality, focusing on progress over perfection. Regularly evaluate what's working and what's not, and be willing to adjust your approach. Include your child in this process when appropriate to foster their problem-solving skills.

Use the "Three Magic Questions" to learn from mistakes:

1. What worked?
2. What didn't work?
3. What will you do differently?

• Practice transparency by acknowledging your own mistakes and learning process

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Last updated: November 6, 2024