The Myths of Happiness

1. Happiness myths create false expectations and unnecessary crises

"Nearly all of us buy into what I call the myths of happiness—beliefs that certain adult achievements (marriage, kids, jobs, wealth) will make us forever happy and that certain adult failures or adversities (health problems, not having a life partner, having little money) will make us forever unhappy."

Expectations shape reality. These happiness myths lead us to overestimate the impact of both positive and negative life events on our long-term well-being. We mistakenly believe that achieving certain milestones or facing certain setbacks will permanently alter our happiness levels.

Crises are opportunities. By recognizing these myths, we can approach life's transitions and challenges with a more balanced perspective. Instead of viewing difficulties as insurmountable obstacles, we can see them as opportunities for growth, reassessment, and positive change.

Prepare for adaptability. Understanding that our emotional reactions to events are often less intense and shorter-lived than we anticipate allows us to develop more realistic expectations and greater resilience in the face of life's ups and downs.

2. Hedonic adaptation: We quickly get used to positive changes

"Human beings are capable of adapting to almost everything about their work life, and especially anything that stays the same."

Novelty fades quickly. Whether it's a new job, relationship, or material possession, the initial excitement and satisfaction tend to diminish over time as we become accustomed to the change.

Strategies to combat adaptation:

• Regularly express gratitude for what you have
• Introduce variety and novelty into your experiences
• Savor positive moments through mindful attention
• Set new goals to maintain a sense of progress and growth

Reset your baseline. Occasionally "subtract" positive aspects of your life through imagination or temporary deprivation to renew your appreciation for them.

3. Social comparison undermines happiness and success

"There are few better remedies for unhappiness than an intimate friendship with someone who cares deeply about you. Confiding is good for soul and body."

Focus inward, not outward. Constantly comparing ourselves to others leads to dissatisfaction and envy, regardless of our actual circumstances.

Cultivate supportive relationships. Close friendships and confidants provide emotional support, perspective, and a buffer against life's stresses.

Set personal standards. Define success and happiness on your own terms, based on your values and aspirations, rather than societal expectations or others' achievements.

4. Relationships thrive on appreciation, variety, and shared experiences

"Appreciation is vitally important for several reasons. First, appreciating our relationship compels us to extract the maximum possible satisfaction from it and helps us to be grateful for it, relish it, savor it, and not take it for granted."

Practice active appreciation. Regularly express gratitude for your partner's qualities and actions, both to yourself and to them directly.

Inject novelty:

• Try new activities together
• Create surprises for each other
• Explore unfamiliar places or experiences
• Learn new skills as a couple

Share meaningful experiences. Engage in activities that create shared memories, foster connection, and provide opportunities for growth and learning together.

5. Parenthood: Challenges and rewards of raising children

"Even parents who hate parenting have meaningful, joyous, and even euphoric moments that contribute to a life well lived—when our child is born, when he runs into our arms after a separation, when he reads his very first word, when he stars in his first school play, when the thought of him softens the sting of a failed project at work, or when he graduates with honors."

Acknowledge the difficulties. Parenting often involves stress, sacrifice, and moments of frustration. Recognizing these challenges as normal can reduce guilt and anxiety.

Focus on meaningful moments. While day-to-day parenting can be draining, the profound experiences of connection, growth, and love contribute significantly to overall life satisfaction.

Strategies for parental well-being:

• Cultivate a support network of family and friends
• Practice self-care and maintain personal interests
• Find humor in the chaos of family life
• Celebrate small victories and milestones

6. Singlehood can be fulfilling and meaningful

"People who remain single all their lives are assuredly not deprived, because they draw value and purpose from other sources in their lives—from their friends, siblings, extended family members, communities, jobs, or dedication to a great cause."

Embrace diverse relationships. Singles often cultivate deeper connections with friends, family, and community, leading to rich and varied social lives.

Pursue personal growth. Use the freedom of singlehood to focus on self-development, passions, and goals without compromise.

Challenge societal expectations. Recognize that happiness and fulfillment are not dependent on relationship status, but on living a life aligned with personal values and aspirations.

7. Money and happiness: The complex relationship

"If we are convinced, for example, that a certain kind of marriage, job, and prosperity would make us happy (and it doesn't), then misunderstanding the power of hedonic adaptation may compel us to jettison perfectly good marriages and jobs or renounce our worldly belongings to simplify our lives."

Understand the limits. While financial security contributes to well-being, increases in wealth beyond a certain point have diminishing returns on happiness.

Spend wisely for happiness:

• Invest in experiences rather than material possessions
• Use money to buy time and reduce stress
• Practice generosity and spend on others
• Save for future security to reduce anxiety

Cultivate non-monetary sources of fulfillment. Focus on relationships, personal growth, and contributing to causes larger than yourself to find lasting satisfaction.

8. Work satisfaction: Finding purpose beyond the paycheck

"Goal pursuit is a happiness-increasing strategy that is available to all of us, no matter the extent of our opportunities, talents, skills, and resources. Each one of us has something valuable and unique to offer others, learn, cultivate, and strive for."

Align work with values. Seek jobs and careers that resonate with your personal beliefs and allow you to use your strengths.

Set meaningful goals. Regularly establish and pursue objectives that provide a sense of progress and achievement.

Find purpose in your current role:

• Connect your work to a larger mission or impact
• Mentor others or contribute to team success
• Continuously learn and develop new skills
• Look for opportunities to innovate or improve processes

9. Coping with life's disappointments and regrets

"When we acknowledge regret, we make ourselves vulnerable in doing so, and this takes courage. After all, we have admitted to ourselves that it is risky to expect anything from life, yet we continue to commit to new goals."

Reframe setbacks as growth opportunities. View disappointments as chances to learn, adapt, and become more resilient.

Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding when facing regrets or failures, recognizing that they are part of the human experience.

Strategies for processing regrets:

• Write about the experience to gain perspective
• Share your feelings with trusted friends or a therapist
• Identify lessons learned and how to apply them
• Set new goals that build on past experiences

10. Aging gracefully: Happiness increases in later years

"Older people are actually happier and more satisfied with their lives than younger people; they experience more positive emotions and fewer negative ones, and their emotional experience is more stable and less sensitive to the vicissitudes of daily negativity and stress."

Embrace emotional maturity. With age comes greater emotional regulation, wisdom, and the ability to focus on what truly matters.

Cultivate meaningful relationships. Prioritize deep connections with family and friends, which become increasingly important sources of joy and support.

Stay engaged and purposeful:

• Pursue lifelong learning and new experiences
• Contribute to your community through volunteering or mentoring
• Maintain physical and mental health through active lifestyle choices
• Share your wisdom and life experiences with younger generations

Last updated: January 25, 2025