The Power of the Other

1. Human Performance Thrives on Connection

Relationship affects life and performance, period.

The Neglected Truth. Human potential is often limited not by individual skill, but by the quality of our connections with others. High performance isn't a solo act; it's a collaborative effort fueled by the power of relationships. This truth is often neglected in conversations about leadership, growth, and achievement, which tend to focus solely on individual skills and strategies.

SEAL Team Example. The story of Navy SEAL training illustrates this point. During "Hell Week," a grueling exercise designed to push candidates to their absolute limits, many drop out. However, those who make it through often do so because of the support and encouragement they receive from their teammates. A simple fist pump and a yell from a friend can provide the extra boost needed to surpass physical and mental limits.

Mind-Body Connection. The connection between people has a tangible, measurable, and physical effect. Even babies deprived of meaningful relational connections fail to thrive, experiencing lower body weights, more illness, and incomplete brain development. Throughout life, relationships affect our physical and mental functioning, building both the hardware and software that leads to healthy functioning and better performance.

2. Relationships Build Brains and Minds

The right kinds of relationships wire us for resilience and success.

The Triangle of Well-Being. Neurobiologist Daniel Siegel's research highlights the interconnectedness of brain/body, relational connections, and mind in determining our well-being and performance. These three elements form a triangle, working together to build, drive, create, and regulate our functioning. Relationships play a crucial role in developing both our brains and our minds.

The Curative Power of Connection. Relationships must provide specific functions and energy to be truly beneficial. They must deliver constructive experiences and encode specific information within the brains of those involved. The right kinds of relationships wire us for resilience and success, while poor connections can lead to deficits and performance problems.

Building Mental Equipment. Relationships help write the "code" of whom we become. Positive, attuned, empathic, caring, supportive, and challenging relationships cause positive development in the brain and increase performance capacities. Conversely, negative relationships can lead to "bugs" in our mental equipment, such as distrust, squirrelly thinking, and an inability to focus.

3. Navigate the Four Corners of Connection

The key is to get out of any of the other three and into the only one that works.

The Geography of Relationships. There are four possible corners of relational space: Disconnected, Bad Connection, Pseudo-Good Connection, and True Connection. Only True Connection helps us thrive; the other three diminish performance and well-being. Understanding where you are on this map is crucial for growth and success.

Corner One: Disconnected. This corner is characterized by isolation and a lack of meaningful emotional investment in others. Leaders in Corner One tend not to build strong relational cultures, and decision-making is often done in isolation. Disconnectedness can lead to burnout, diminished performance, and a loss of hope and purpose.

Corner Two: Bad Connection. This corner involves a connection with someone who makes you feel "not good enough." High expectations, perfectionism, and a critical spirit can hook someone into feeling the Corner Number Two bad connection. This leads to anxiety, fear, guilt, shame, and feelings of inferiority, ultimately annihilating high performance through self-doubt.

Corner Three: Pseudo-Good Connection. This corner offers temporary relief through substances, awards, accolades, or other forms of self-medication. While these things may feel good in the moment, they are ultimately a trap that leads to diminishing performance. Like all forms of addiction, the drive for more becomes the reason for being.

Corner Four: True Connection. This corner is a place where people have true connection, where they can be authentic. Both parties to the relationship are wholly present, known, understood, and mutually invested. What each truly thinks, feels, believes, fears, and needs can be shared safely.

4. Fueling Performance Through Others

Relationship, the connection between people, not only enhances our mental functioning, but actually works to impart it, to provide it.

Energy Transfer. Relationships provide energy, the capacity to do something. When we connect with others, we receive an infusion of energy that can lift us past our physical and mental limits. This energy isn't just emotional; it has real, measurable effects on our brain chemistry and physical abilities.

The Importance of Positive Energy. Positive energy produces positive results. Winning organizations have leaders who understand this and use energy as a competitive tool. They focus on overcoming problems and meeting new challenges, rather than wasting energy on negative activities like internal politics.

Multidimensional Fueling. Fuel comes from many different dimensions of life: emotional, intellectual, physical, purposeful, and spiritual. It's important to establish multiple connections that feed us different kinds of energy. This is why it "takes a village" to grow a person and sustain one.

5. Self-Control Requires the Power of Others

The degree to which you are going to soar depends in part upon finding Corner Four partners, who empower your sense of self-control instead of trying to take it away or diminish it somehow.

The Paradox of Performance. While self-control is essential for high performance, it is often built and sustained by relationships with others. The people in our lives can either empower our sense of self-control or diminish it. The key is to find Corner Four partners who support our autonomy and hold us responsible for our choices.

Building Self-Control. Self-control is built through several functions that others provide: support, growth, respect, and accountability. These functions help us develop a sense of ownership and the ability to make things happen.

The Nicklaus Example. Jack Nicklaus's success was due in part to his relationship with his father, who supported him but also respected his sense of being in control of his performance. This balance of support and autonomy helped Nicklaus develop the self-control that made him one of the greatest golfers of all time.

6. Responsibility is the Flip Side of Freedom

If you’re old enough to get yourself into a situation like this, you’re old enough to get yourself out.

The Need-Fear Dilemma. We often fear the vulnerability that it takes to embrace our needs, so they go unmet. The more we need things from people, the scarier it gets to ask for what we need. We try to manage this need in other ways, hanging out in the first three corners, which bring no good outcomes and just reinforce limits.

Freedom and Responsibility. Corner Four relationships offer freedom, but they also require us to take responsibility for our choices. This means owning our mistakes and learning from them, rather than blaming others or external factors.

The Author's Wreck. The author's story of totaling his girlfriend's father's car illustrates this point. His father didn't rescue him from the situation but instead told him, "If you're old enough to get yourself into a situation like this, you're old enough to get yourself out." This forced the author to take responsibility for his actions and find a solution.

7. Defanging Failure with Corner Four

What truly released me to be able to move forward and ultimately overcome the failure were the words, “Well, we’ve all been there.”

The Grip of Failure. When we experience failure, we often feel judgment, guilt, shame, and condemnation. These feelings can create a downward spiral that saps our energy and our capacity to think clearly.

Normalizing Failure. Corner Four relationships help us defang the beast of failure by normalizing it. When we realize that others have experienced similar setbacks, we can see failure as a temporary state of affairs rather than a permanent judgment on our worth.

The Pixar Example. Pixar's culture embraces failure as a necessary part of the creative process. CEO Ed Catmull acknowledges that "all of our movies suck" in the early stages and encourages his team to view failure as an opportunity for improvement. This creates a safe environment for experimentation and innovation.

8. The Right Kind of Push: Stretching for Growth

All organizations inherently have energy because they are made up of people, and people have energy.

The Importance of Challenge. While it's important to defang failure, it's also important to continue challenging ourselves and pushing beyond our comfort zones. Corner Four relationships provide the right kind of push, encouraging us to develop new skills and reach for bigger goals.

The Stretch Zone. The key is to find the right balance between challenge and skill. We need to be stretched, but not so much that we become overwhelmed or discouraged. The best leaders and coaches know how to push us just beyond our current limits, helping us to grow and improve.

10X Challenges. Sometimes, the stretching we need involves setting "big hairy audacious goals" (BHAGs) that would surpass anything we have ever done before. These goals can be scary, but they can also be incredibly motivating, inspiring us to reach new heights.

9. Internalizing the Power of Others

What makes Corner Four relationships so powerful is that they don’t end even after they end.

Bringing the Outside In. Corner Four relationships don't end when the interaction is over. The lessons we learn, the phrases that motivate us, and the values that guide us become internalized, shaping our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors long after the relationship has ended.

The Process of Internalization. This process begins in infancy, when we learn to self-soothe through the comfort and care of our parents. Over time, we internalize these external sources of comfort and develop the capacity to provide them for ourselves.

The Author's Book Writing. The author's experience of writing his first book illustrates this point. While he initially relied on a consultant for structure and guidance, he eventually internalized those skills and was able to write subsequent books on his own.

10. Trust: The Bedrock of High-Performing Relationships

Trust can be defined as a confident expectation.

The Importance of Trust. Trust is essential for tapping into the power of the other. We invest ourselves, our time, our energy, and our resources when we're confident that doing so will lead to good outcomes.

The Five Ingredients of Trust:

1. Understanding: We trust people who understand us, our context, and our needs.
2. Intent or Motive: We trust people when we know that their motives are good and that they want the best for us.
3. Ability: We trust people who have the ability to do what we need done.
4. Character: We trust people who possess the character traits that are essential for success in our context.
5. Track Record: We trust people who have a history of delivering on their promises.

Building Trust. By focusing on these five ingredients, we can build strong, resilient relationships that are based on trust and mutual respect.

11. Guarding Against the Bermuda Triangle: Triangulation

If people are causing divisions among you, give a first and second warning. After that, have nothing more to do with them.

The Deadly Triad. Triangulation, a situation in which A should be talking to B but is talking to C about B instead, can be destructive to relationships. It sets up a victim-persecutor-rescuer triad that prevents resolution, growth, and forward movement.

The Solution. To combat triangulation, name the problem, establish a rule or covenant against it, decline to participate in gossip, be a good receiver of feedback, and build skills in direct communication.

The Importance of Direct Communication. The key to preventing triangulation is to encourage direct communication between the parties involved. This allows for open and honest dialogue, which is essential for resolving conflicts and building trust.

12. Nice Guys Don't Finish Last: The Power of Connection

Nice guys do not finish last, and jerks do not finish first.

The Myth of the Jerk. There's a common misconception that being a jerk is necessary for success. However, this is simply not true. While some successful people may exhibit jerk-like behavior, their success is due to other factors, such as talent, vision, and hard work.

The Power of Connection. The qualities that lead to great performance are only enhanced in great relationships. By building strong, supportive connections with others, we can unlock our full potential and achieve even greater success.

Corner Four People. In the end, only Corner Four people are left standing. The others will fall, fail, or fade. It behooves us all to look for and build the kinds of connection that Corner Four people embody, and become that kind of connector ourselves.

Last updated: March 16, 2025