The Queen's Code

1. Frog Farming: Unveiling the Unintentional Prince-to-Frog Transformation

Like most women, you, my dear, turn princes into frogs!

The Frog Farmer phenomenon. Many women find that men start out as charming princes but eventually become distant, defensive, and uncommunicative. This isn't necessarily due to men's inherent nature, but rather, women may inadvertently bring out the worst in them. This is "Frog Farming," where women unintentionally transform princes into frogs.

Identifying Frog Farming. Recognizing that you might be a Frog Farmer is the first step to changing the dynamic. It involves acknowledging that your actions and attitudes could be contributing to the negative changes you see in men. This requires a willingness to examine your own behavior and consider alternative approaches.

Shifting the blame. Instead of blaming men for their shortcomings, consider that you might be the cause of how men treat you. If you are bringing out the worst in men, you can probably stop. It has to be easier to change yourself than changing men.

2. The Queen's Code: A Legacy of Understanding and Inspiring Men

Your grandfather has said I am his queen. It is a beautiful compliment. It is also accurate, in that I follow the Queen's Code.

A family secret. For over five centuries, women in one family have studied men, validating and adding to a body of knowledge passed down from mother to daughter. This knowledge, known as the Queen's Code, provides insights into how men think, the language they speak, and a different point of view that prevents hurt and frustration.

The Queen's Code. The Queen's Code involves understanding and inspiring men, being fluent in their language, and having a different point of view that prevents hurt and frustration. It's about bringing out the best in men, not trying to change them.

The Language of Heroes. A key component of the Queen's Code is the Language of Heroes, five words that resonate with a man's reason for being. These words connect with the noble essence of men and are a call to action, fulfilling their purpose and bringing satisfaction.

3. Beyond the Perfect Person: Shifting Paradigms to See Men as They Are

All the things you have labeled men … are relative rather than absolute.

The Perfect Person. Women often compare men to an idealized version of themselves, the "Perfect Person," leading to disappointment and frustration. This comparison sets unrealistic expectations and prevents women from seeing men for who they truly are.

Relative vs. absolute qualities. The qualities women often attribute to men, such as insensitivity, selfishness, and immaturity, are relative rather than absolute. Men are not inherently these things, but are perceived as such when compared to the Perfect Person.

The Hairy Woman. When women compare men to the Perfect Person, they see a "hairy woman" who is defective, ill-made, or malfunctioning. This leads to the belief that men are intentionally misbehaving and need to be corrected or controlled.

4. Emasculation: The Sword That Cuts Both Ways

Castrating men is the foundation of Frog Farming.

Castration defined. Emasculation, or castration, is the act of depriving someone of strength, power, or efficiency, weakening them. In relationships, women often emasculate men through criticism, control, and withholding affection, leading to a cycle of negativity.

Long-term effects. Over time, emasculation causes men to keep their distance, compete with women, anticipate them with suspicion, treat them with disdain, and relate from fear instead of love. This creates a toxic dynamic that damages both partners.

The sword's double edge. While women may feel safer when men are weakened, emasculation ultimately harms both parties. It prevents men from protecting and providing, leaving women vulnerable and alone.

5. The Language of Heroes: Speaking to a Man's Soul

These words resonate with a man's reason for being.

Connecting with a man's essence. The Language of Heroes consists of five words that connect directly to a man's highest existence. These words resonate with a man's reason for being, fulfilling his purpose and bringing satisfaction.

Sincerity is key. The Language of Heroes is not just about the words themselves, but also the attitude with which they are said. Sincerity, where the feeling matches the words, is essential for the words to have a positive impact.

Transformation required. Each word in the Language of Heroes requires a dramatic transformation on the part of the woman. She must be standing in a specific place within herself and in her relationship to life and men for the word to be used sincerely.

6. Providing: The Heart of a Man's Purpose

At the heart of a man is a Provider.

The Provider instinct. At the heart of a man is a provider, someone who furnishes and ensures the well-being of others. This instinct is deeply ingrained and drives men to seek ways to contribute and make a difference.

Nothing is worth doing. To a man, nothing is worth doing unless it has a meaningful impact. They are not motivated by tasks alone, but by the results they produce and the benefits they provide to those they care about.

Playing for points. Men "play for points," seeking validation and appreciation for their efforts. By recognizing and valuing their contributions, women can inspire men to continue providing and fulfilling their heroic nature.

7. The Power of Needs: Understanding and Honoring Each Other's Core Requirements

If men are not misbehaving, then what are they doing?

The "What if" question. Instead of assuming men are misbehaving, ask, "What if there is a good reason for everything men do?" This shifts the focus from judgment to understanding and opens the door to a new perspective.

Critical and urgent needs. Men relate to their needs as critical and urgent, meaning they prioritize them and take immediate action to fulfill them. This can be misinterpreted as selfishness, but it stems from their focus on providing and protecting.

The three categories of needs.

• Survival needs: Essential for physical survival (food, water, sleep, sex)
• Quality of life needs: Enhance well-being and enable men to function effectively
• Needs they've given up on getting: Lead to despair and disengagement

8. The Art of Receiving: Allowing Men to Fulfill Their Heroic Nature

Learning to be a brilliant, gracious receiver, in the face of everything you think it means, will require a series of transformations.

The challenge of receiving. Many women struggle to receive, often feeling unworthy or uncomfortable accepting help from others. This prevents men from fulfilling their provider instinct and creates a sense of imbalance in the relationship.

External vs. internal motivation. Women are often externally motivated, responding to the needs and preferences of others. Men are more internally motivated, following their own path and acting in accordance with their inner sense of self.

The power of appreciation. By learning to receive with grace and gratitude, women can empower men to provide and create a more fulfilling partnership. This involves letting go of the need to be self-sufficient and embracing the joy of being cared for.

9. Objectification: The Female Equivalent of Emasculation

Objectification is the female equivalent of emasculation.

Objectification defined. Objectification is the act of reducing a person to a mere object, depriving them of their individuality and humanity. It is the female equivalent of emasculation, causing rage and fury.

The cycle of objectification. Women often objectify men as a defense mechanism, responding to feelings of being overwhelmed or threatened. This creates a vicious cycle of disrespect and disconnection.

Breaking the cycle. To break the cycle of objectification, women must recognize their own power and worth, and stop relying on external validation. This involves embracing their full selves, including their intellect, humor, and needs.

10. The Dance of Partnership: A Symphony of Strength and Vulnerability

Men and women are going to both be powerful, or both be weak. That is how it works.

Equality through partnership. True equality between men and women is not about sameness, but about recognizing and valuing each other's unique strengths and abilities. This requires a shift from competition to collaboration and a willingness to embrace vulnerability.

The power of vulnerability. By being open and honest about their needs and desires, both men and women can create a deeper connection and foster a more fulfilling partnership. This involves letting go of the need to be perfect and embracing the beauty of imperfection.

The Queen's Code as a guide. The Queen's Code provides a framework for navigating the complexities of relationships and creating a harmonious balance of power and vulnerability. By following its principles, women can unlock the full potential of their partnerships and create a world where both men and women thrive.

Last updated: May 18, 2025