The Rant Zone

1. Child Stars: A Tragedy Waiting to Happen

Child actors are a tragedy waiting to happen.

Innocence Lost. The world of show business strips away the innocence, sweetness, and trustfulness that are inherent in children. This environment exposes them to the harsh realities of rejection, exploitation, and the constant pressure to perform, which can be detrimental to their development.

Frustrated Stage Parents. Driven by their own unfulfilled ambitions, these parents push their children into the industry, often disregarding the child's well-being and desires. They subject their kids to endless auditions, casting directors, and the cutthroat competition of Hollywood, creating a toxic environment.

Reading the Tea Leaves. There are signs that indicate a child is at risk of becoming a child star, such as a preoccupation with acting terms, a sense of entitlement, and a detachment from normal childhood activities. Parents should be vigilant in recognizing these signs and prioritizing their child's well-being over fame and fortune.

2. The Golden Age of Television: Nostalgia vs. Reality

I mean, c'mon, nobody remembers his second blow job.

Timing and Inspiration. The "Golden Age" of television in the 1950s was as much about timing as it was about inspiration. It was a period of exploration and innovation, but also one of limitations and censorship.

Advertiser Influence. Advertisers heavily influenced the content of '50s television, shying away from controversial topics and societal dark sides. This resulted in many unaired episodes and a sanitized portrayal of reality.

Modern Television's Value. Despite its flaws, television's value lies in its ability to mirror our world and connect people instantly to events, real or fictional. While much of television has always been "crap," the best shows hold up and reflect the discerning filter of time.

3. Women in Sports: Purity and Evolving Perceptions

Shouldn't we be paying them for taking the term "header" out of the White House and putting it back on the playing field, where it belongs?

Love of the Game. Female athletes are often seen as playing for the love of the game, rather than for money or fame. This purity resonates with audiences who are disillusioned by the pampered and overpaid male athletes.

Breaking Stereotypes. The perception of female athletes has shifted from the stereotypical "lanky, deep-voiced gym teacher" to indisputably feminine sports figures. This evolution has helped to broaden the appeal of women's sports.

Gender Roles Evolving. Society is evolving to a point where women can be forceful, powerful, competitive, and driven, while men can be soft, passive, and expressive. This shift challenges traditional gender roles and allows for greater acceptance of women in sports.

4. Alternative Medicine: Exploring Options with Skepticism

Gingko, Shminko!

Natural vs. Synthetic. A major tenet of alternative medicine is that "natural is good, synthetic is bad." This simplistic thinking overlooks the complexities of medicine and the potential benefits of both natural and synthetic treatments.

Experimentation and Documentation. While openness to alternative medicines is important, it's crucial to approach them with skepticism and demand documentation of improvement. Anecdotal evidence and personal testimonials are not enough to prove their effectiveness.

Western Medicine's Role. Despite its flaws, Western medicine has proven its effectiveness in treating many diseases and conditions. People in India flock to the Red Cross for medical assistance, highlighting the value of traditional, mainstream medicine.

5. Lousy Jobs: Finding Value Beyond the Paycheck

Aside from gravity and how good it feels to put a Q-tip too far into your ear, nothing quite unites mankind like the fact that at one time or another, just about all of us have had a lousy job.

Dressing the Part. Bad jobs often require employees to dress in humiliating or degrading uniforms. This can further erode their self-esteem and make them feel like they are defined by their job.

Finding Perks. Some people find ways to cope with lousy jobs by focusing on the perks, no matter how small or unconventional. This can involve finding humor in the situation, developing a unique skill, or simply appreciating the paycheck.

Sense of Self. A person's sense of self should not be entirely wrapped up in their job. There is more to life than work, including family, friends, hobbies, and personal interests.

6. Revenge: A Basic Human Motivation, Refined

Good luck on the swim team, fuckers.

Induced Karma. Revenge is a basic human motivation that can be seen as "induced karma." It's a way of settling scores and restoring balance in the face of injustice.

Creative Retribution. Instead of resorting to violence, revenge should be refined and channeled into creative acts of retribution. This can involve pranks, sabotage, or simply outsmarting the person who wronged you.

Release Valve. Revenge can serve as an indispensable release valve for an increasingly pseudocivilized society. It allows people to express their anger and frustration in a way that is less destructive than violence.

7. God: A Concept Overlapped by Commerce and Hypocrisy

Whatever happened to the separation of Church and Hate?

Personal Interpretation. Every religion has its own concept of God, and every religion is wrong. No one creed can have absolute dominion over its definition, as the concept of God is too vast and complex to be confined to a single belief system.

God and Commerce. God and commerce frequently overlap, with the phrase "In God We Trust" only appearing on the lesser denominations of currency. This highlights the hypocrisy of using religion to justify greed and materialism.

Phonies Claiming to Know His Will. Many people claim to know God's will, using religion as a convenient template for their petty, bigoted views. It's important to be skeptical of those who claim to speak for God and to question their motives.

8. The Penis: A Source of Joy and Obsession

Remember, two-thirds of happiness is 'piness.

Wellspring of Joy. For men, the penis is a source of joy, pleasure, and self-esteem. It's an organ that can inspire giddy rhymes and a sense of pride.

Size Obsession. Guys obsess about penis size because they like easily quantifiable measurements, while women treasure more abstract qualities. This obsession can lead to insecurities and unnecessary procedures.

Duncan Loomis. The story of Duncan Loomis serves as a cautionary tale about the dangers of comparing oneself to others. While Loomis may have been blessed with a large penis, it didn't necessarily translate into happiness or success in life.

9. Education: Underpaid Teachers and the Value of Learning

I think it speaks volumes about how little we value basic education in America that only one of the Three R's actually begins with the letter "R."

Parent/Teacher Conferences. These conferences can have a nuclear weapons-summit level of intensity, with every problem Junior has being blamed on someone in the room. It's important to approach these meetings with a sense of collaboration and understanding.

Teacher Types. There are several basic categories of high-school teachers, including Tough-but-Fair, Best Friend, and Tenure Jockey. Each type has its own strengths and weaknesses, but all play a valuable role in shaping students' lives.

Underpaid and Underappreciated. Teachers are grossly underpaid and face numerous challenges in the classroom. It's crucial to convince Americans that paying teachers what they deserve is as good an investment in our future as building more prisons.

10. Intolerance: A Society's Struggle with Acceptance

This country's so intolerant right now, they might as well change the plaque at the base of the Statue of Liberty to read GO THE FUCK BACK TO FUCKATANIA!

Demand for Approval. What is objected to are fringe groups who go beyond the notion of tolerance and demand our approval. It's important to respect different lifestyles, appearances, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies, but not to be forced to endorse them.

Eminem. There's really nothing that damaging in Eminem's lyrics. He's no more dangerous than a bleached-blond Chihuahua chewin' on an old dishrag. The more he talks about hating homosexuals, the more I urge gay inclusion in all aspects of society.

Liberals and Conservatives. Both liberals and conservatives are guilty of intolerance, often in mutated, once-removed forms. It's important to be aware of one's own biases and to avoid judging others based on their beliefs or lifestyles.

11. The Music Business: Marketing Over Talent

The music industry has nothing to do with music.

Visual Medium. The music industry has turned itself into a visual medium, with image and marketing often taking precedence over talent. This can lead to the promotion of artists who are more style than substance.

Eminem. Eminem isn't about freedom of speech as much as he is about the freedom to make a buck. He isn't peddling his songs underground to get his point across; he needs controversy to keep him famous because of his unfortunate dearth of talent.

Napster. I for one salute Napster, because it's high time the public finally had an opportunity to horn in on a piece of the action. Considering how badly you get fucked every time you go into a record store, I have to assume Richard Branson was trying to be ironic when he named the place "Virgin."

12. The Clintons: A Dynasty of Scandal and Entitlement

Is there any way for an entire nation to file a restraining order?

Series of Scandals. Bill and Hillary's political relationship has been defined by a series of scandals, providing their marriage a much-needed distraction from ever having to actually stop and figure out how to extricate themselves from their biggest predicament: each other.

Pardon Petitions. It turns out, the Low Priest who shepherded many of the pardon petitioners to the quid-pro-quo altar was none other than Hillary's perpetually eight-and-a-half-months pregnant brother Hugh Rodham. Hey, who could blame Jabba the Hick for acting as a supersized go-between?

Seduction into Betrayal. Perhaps Bill Clinton didn't so much betray his allies as seduce them into betraying themselves. From the women's-rights groups who took Clinton's side against all the women he victimized to all the liberal compadres he discarded when it was politically expedient to do so, Clinton's proffered deal has always been the same: I will help you achieve your goals if you simply abandon the ideals that made them worthwhile in the first place.

Last updated: March 15, 2025