And Baby Makes Three

1. Acknowledge Shared Challenges in Parenthood

The greatest gift you can give your baby is a happy and strong relationship between the two of you.

Universal struggles. Recognize that most couples experience a decline in relationship satisfaction after the birth of a baby. Increased conflict, decreased intimacy, and exhaustion are common challenges, not signs of a failing relationship. Understanding this shared experience can foster empathy and reduce blame.

Common stressors:

• Sleep deprivation and fatigue
• Increased household chores and childcare responsibilities
• Decreased time for intimacy and romance
• Feelings of being unappreciated and neglected
• Changes in identity and values

Shift perspective. Instead of viewing these challenges as personal failures, acknowledge them as normal aspects of the transition to parenthood. This shared understanding can pave the way for collaborative problem-solving and mutual support.

2. Embrace the Competence of Babies and Parents

Our babies want to interact with us from the moment they’re born. And our face is a Picasso to them.

Innate abilities. Recognize that newborns possess remarkable abilities, including mimicking facial expressions and distinguishing their parents' voices. Parents also have strong instincts to nurture and respond to their babies' needs. Trusting these innate abilities can foster confidence and joy in parenting.

Face-to-face play:

• Babies are fascinated by faces, especially those making exaggerated expressions.
• Parents instinctively engage in "baby talk," using higher pitches and enunciating clearly.
• Taking turns and responding to baby's cues are essential for healthy interaction.

Avoid "still face." Be mindful of the importance of responsiveness. Babies dislike a blank, unresponsive face and need parents to be fluid and engaged.

3. Transform Conflicts into Opportunities for Connection

The secret to managing conflicts for new parents is to make the fights constructive, not destructive.

Constructive vs. destructive. Focus on managing conflicts in a way that strengthens, rather than weakens, the relationship. Constructive conflict involves respect, gentleness, and taking responsibility, while destructive conflict is characterized by criticism, defensiveness, and disrespect.

Key elements of constructive conflict:

• Respectful communication
• Active listening
• Acknowledging each other's perspectives
• Willingness to compromise

Avoid the Four Horsemen. Be mindful of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, which are strong predictors of relationship demise. Replace these behaviors with their antidotes: gentle complaints, taking responsibility, appreciation, and self-soothing.

4. Soft Start-Ups: The Key to Constructive Conversations

When we introduce an issue with harsh start-up, one of us blames the other, usually with criticism or contempt.

Gentle vs. harsh. The way a conversation begins significantly impacts its outcome. Harsh start-ups, characterized by blame and criticism, often lead to defensiveness and escalation. Softened start-ups, which express feelings and needs without blame, create a more receptive environment for discussion.

Three steps to a softened start-up:

1. Express your feelings ("I feel...")
2. Describe the situation neutrally ("about...")
3. State what you need ("I need...")

Practice makes perfect. Consciously practice converting harsh start-ups into softened ones. This skill can significantly improve the quality of conflict discussions and foster greater understanding.

5. Accept Influence: Value Each Other's Perspectives

In any argument or miscommunication, there is not one objective, absolute reality. There are always two subjective realities, both of them right in their own way.

Two realities. Acknowledge that every conflict has two valid perspectives. Instead of trying to prove your partner wrong, focus on understanding their point of view. This requires active listening, empathy, and a willingness to accept influence.

Rapoport's Rules:

• Postpone persuasion until you can state your partner's point of view to their satisfaction.
• Ask open-ended questions to understand their perspective.
• Assume similarity: recognize that both partners have positive and negative qualities.

Validation is key. Acknowledge that your partner has a right to feel the way they do, even if you don't share their perspective. This can be as simple as saying, "I get it" or "Good point."

6. Self-Soothing: A Vital Skill for Managing Stress

If we get too overwhelmed, we need to take responsibility for our bodies’ condition by taking a break, soothing ourselves, and making sure we come back to our partners within a reasonable time period.

Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA). Understand that conflict can trigger a "fight or flight" response, leading to increased heart rate, tunnel vision, and impaired listening. Recognize the signs of DPA and take steps to calm down before continuing the discussion.

Take a break. When feeling overwhelmed, request a break of at least 30 minutes to self-soothe. During this time, engage in activities that promote relaxation, such as deep breathing, meditation, or listening to music.

Self-soothing techniques:

• Deep breathing exercises
• Progressive muscle relaxation
• Guided imagery
• Engaging in enjoyable activities

7. Compromise: Finding Win-Win Solutions

Nobody wins or loses in compromise. We gain a little of what we want, and surrender a little, too.

Mutual benefit. Approach conflict resolution with the goal of finding a compromise that meets both partners' needs. This requires flexibility, creativity, and a willingness to let go of rigid positions.

Two-circle method:

• Identify your core needs, which are non-negotiable.
• Identify areas where you are flexible and willing to compromise.
• Find a solution that honors both partners' core needs and allows for flexibility in other areas.

Open communication. Ask open-ended questions to understand your partner's needs and concerns. Validate their perspective and acknowledge their right to feel the way they do.

8. Repair Attempts: Mending the Rifts

A repair is a few words or a gesture that gets our communication back in the ballpark, where we’re on the same team again.

Essential for success. Repair attempts are actions or words used to de-escalate conflict and restore connection. Successful couples make and accept repair attempts, while unsuccessful couples either neglect to make them or rebuff them.

Examples of repair attempts:

• "I'm sorry."
• "Let me try again."
• "That must have really hurt your feelings."
• "Can we take a break?"
• Using humor to lighten the mood

Acceptance is key. For a repair attempt to be effective, it must be accepted by the receiving partner. This requires a willingness to let go of defensiveness and focus on restoring connection.

9. Process Fights: Understanding the Underlying Issues

We have to get outside the fight in order to process it and leave it behind.

Aftermath analysis. After a conflict has subsided, take time to process what happened and understand the underlying issues. This involves identifying each partner's feelings, perspectives, and contributions to the fight.

Key steps in processing a fight:

1. Identify feelings and perspectives.
2. Acknowledge each partner's role in the conflict.
3. Identify triggers and vulnerabilities.
4. Determine what conversation needed to happen instead of the fight.

Focus on understanding. The goal is not to rehash the fight or assign blame, but to gain a deeper understanding of each other's experiences and develop strategies for more constructive communication in the future.

10. Dialogue: Moving from Gridlock to Understanding

The greatest gift you can give your baby is a happy and strong relationship between the two of you.

Perpetual problems. Recognize that some conflicts are perpetual and stem from fundamental differences in personality or lifestyle. The goal is not to eliminate these problems, but to learn to dialogue about them constructively.

From gridlock to dialogue:

• Uncover the dreams and values underlying each partner's position.
• Express acceptance and understanding of each other's perspectives.
• Find common ground and create temporary compromises.

Focus on dreams. Explore the deeper meanings and aspirations connected to each partner's position. This can foster empathy and create a sense of shared purpose.

11. Friendship: The Bedrock of a Loving Relationship

The greatest gift you can give your baby is a happy and strong relationship between the two of you.

Foundation of intimacy. Nurturing friendship is essential for maintaining a strong and loving relationship. This involves building love maps, expressing fondness and admiration, and turning toward each other's bids for attention.

Key elements of friendship:

• Building love maps: knowing each other's inner worlds
• Expressing fondness and admiration: appreciating each other's qualities
• Turning toward: responding to each other's needs and bids for connection

Small things often. Make small, consistent efforts to nurture friendship. These gestures can have a significant impact on the overall quality of the relationship.

12. Nurture Intimacy: Keeping the Spark Alive

The greatest gift you can give your baby is a happy and strong relationship between the two of you.

Intimacy and connection. After having a baby, it's easy for intimacy to take a backseat to the demands of parenthood. However, prioritizing intimacy is crucial for maintaining a strong and fulfilling relationship.

Strategies for nurturing intimacy:

• Schedule regular date nights.
• Engage in affectionate touch and nonsexual intimacy.
• Communicate openly about sexual needs and desires.
• Create a shared vision for your family's future.

All positive interactions are foreplay. Remember that all positive interactions, from doing the dishes to offering a compliment, contribute to a sense of connection and intimacy.

Last updated: March 7, 2025