The Science of Trust

1. Trust is the Bedrock of Healthy Relationships

Solving the problems of defining and understanding trust, trustworthiness, and betrayal is an essential next step in the development of the “Sound Relationship House” theory.

Trust as a Foundation. Trust isn't just a feeling; it's the very foundation upon which lasting and satisfying relationships are built. Without it, relationships become fragile, prone to conflict, and ultimately, unsustainable. The author's Sound Relationship House theory, while comprehensive, lacked an explicit focus on trust, highlighting the need to understand its dynamics.

Social Capital and Trust. Sociological research demonstrates the profound impact of trust on societies, linking it to economic prosperity, health, and community engagement. Similarly, within relationships, trust fosters safety, security, and openness, allowing partners to be vulnerable and deepen their connection.

The Missing Ingredient. The author's research revealed that couples often cited the inability to build and maintain trust as the central reason for their relationship distress. This realization underscored the importance of understanding the specific processes that contribute to building or eroding trust in intimate partnerships.

2. Game Theory Offers a Mathematical Lens on Trust

Because the language of game theory is both rich and crisp, it could unify many parts of social science.

Defining Trust Mathematically. Game theory, traditionally used in economics and political science, provides a framework for understanding strategic interactions and decision-making. By applying game theory to relationships, trust can be defined precisely in terms of choices, payoffs, and expectations.

The Trust Metric. The author proposes a "trust metric" based on game theory, measuring the extent to which partners act in ways that benefit each other, even when it requires sacrificing their own immediate self-interest. This metric moves beyond subjective feelings to quantify trust based on observable behaviors.

Beyond Rationality. Traditional game theory assumes rational actors, but real-life relationships are often driven by emotions and irrationality. Behavioral game theory acknowledges these factors, providing a more nuanced understanding of how trust and betrayal unfold in intimate partnerships.

3. Untrustworthiness and Betrayal Have Measurable Metrics

In a trusting relationship we take as a given that our partner has our best interests at heart, rather than just self-interest.

Defining Untrustworthiness. Untrustworthiness, in this context, is defined as acting primarily out of self-interest, without regard for the partner's well-being. It's a state where one's own gains are prioritized, even at the expense of the other's happiness or security.

The Betrayal Metric. Betrayal goes a step further, representing a zero-sum game where one partner's gain directly translates to the other's loss. It's a violation of the implicit contract of mutual care and support that defines a healthy relationship.

The Importance of Context. These metrics are not meant to label individuals as inherently untrustworthy or prone to betrayal. Rather, they provide a framework for analyzing specific interactions and identifying patterns that erode trust over time.

4. Physiology Links Trust and Betrayal to Health

Physiological arousal and feeling overwhelmed by negativity make it very difficult to listen well or be understanding and empathetic.

The Body's Response to Conflict. Research shows that conflict, especially when it escalates into negativity, triggers physiological arousal, including increased heart rate, adrenaline secretion, and suppressed immune function. This "general alarm system" can have detrimental effects on both physical and mental health.

Flooding and Its Impact. "Flooding" refers to the feeling of being overwhelmed by negativity, making it difficult to listen, empathize, or problem-solve. Chronic flooding can lead to defensiveness, withdrawal, and a desire to escape the relationship.

The Role of the Vagus Nerve. The vagus nerve, a key component of the parasympathetic nervous system, plays a crucial role in calming the body and restoring balance after stress. Building "vagal tone" through relaxation techniques and positive interactions can enhance resilience and improve relationship satisfaction.

5. Knowing When to Bail: The Story-of-Us Switch

The very notion of trust is directly opposed to the notion of the zero-sum game.

The "Story-of-Us" as a Litmus Test. The "story-of-us" refers to the narrative couples construct about their relationship's history, values, and shared meaning. A positive story emphasizes good times, minimizes negativity, and portrays the partner in a favorable light.

The Negative Switch. When trust erodes, the story-of-us can flip to a negative narrative, characterized by resentment, blame, and a sense of hopelessness. This "negative switch" is a strong predictor of relationship dissolution.

Checklists are not enough. While checklists are critical in discerning what is dysfunctional when a relationship is ailing and what is going right when a relationship is stable and happy, this ability to predict the outcome of a relationship is only the beginning of scientific knowledge.

6. Attunement: The Skill That Builds Trust

It is a misconception that communication ought to be the norm in relationships. What may matter most is the ability of couples to repair things when they go wrong.

Beyond Communication. While effective communication is important, the ability to repair miscommunications and heal emotional wounds is even more crucial for relationship success. This involves attuning to the partner's emotions and responding with empathy and understanding.

The Attunement Skill Set. Attunement involves:

• Awareness of emotions
• Turning toward the partner
• Tolerance of emotional expression
• Understanding the partner's perspective
• Nondefensive listening
• Empathy

The Sound Relationship House Theory. The Sound Relationship House theory does not try to apply cognitive-behavioral modification to move people from negative to positive sentiment override. Rather, we believe that it won’t work unless fundamental friendship processes are working.

7. Intimate Trust Requires Emotional and Sexual Connection

Love maps, fondness and admiration, and turning toward were the basis for humor and affection during conflict. They were also the basis for romance, passion, and good sex.

Beyond Impersonal Sex. While impersonal sex, such as pornography, may provide temporary gratification, it lacks the emotional depth and connection that characterize truly intimate relationships. Intimate trust involves sharing vulnerabilities, fantasies, and desires with a partner who is both loving and respectful.

The Importance of Emotional Connection. Research suggests that couples who maintain a strong emotional connection are more likely to experience lasting romance, passion, and sexual satisfaction. This involves actively nurturing friendship, intimacy, and shared meaning in the relationship.

The Role of Communication. Open and honest communication about sex is essential for building intimate trust. This involves discussing preferences, boundaries, and desires in a way that is both respectful and vulnerable.

8. Repairing Negativity is Essential for Relationship Survival

The therapy we designed focuses heavily on repair.

Repair Attempts as a Lifeline. Every relationship experiences conflict and miscommunication. The ability to repair these inevitable ruptures is crucial for maintaining trust and preventing negativity from spiraling out of control.

The Goal of Repair. The goal is not to avoid fights or hurt feelings, but to process these incidents constructively and heal the emotional wounds they create. This involves taking responsibility, expressing empathy, and finding ways to prevent similar incidents from happening in the future.

The Gottman-Murray Math Model. In one study we looked at repair attempts by newlywed couples a few months after their wedding. Those who were still married 6 years after the wedding repaired at a less negative threshold than those who wound up being divorced (this was discovered with the Gottman-Murray math model).

9. Betrayal's Dynamics: A Cascade of Distrust

Knowing about the processes that control trust and betrayal therefore deepens the levels of the Sound Relationship House theory.

The Downward Spiral. Betrayal doesn't happen overnight; it's often the result of a gradual erosion of trust, fueled by unresolved conflicts, unmet needs, and a growing sense of emotional distance. This downward spiral can lead to a negative story-of-us and a breakdown of the relationship.

The Role of Unfavorable Comparisons. Unfavorable comparisons to alternative relationships, real or imagined, can fuel the betrayal cascade. When partners begin to idealize others and denigrate their own relationship, they become more vulnerable to crossing boundaries and engaging in infidelity.

The Importance of Boundaries. Establishing clear boundaries and maintaining a strong commitment to the relationship can help prevent the betrayal cascade. This involves prioritizing the partner's needs, avoiding situations that could lead to temptation, and actively cherishing the relationship.

10. Healing from Betrayal: A Path to Forgiveness

The goal is to be able to heal the emotional wounds created by those incidents.

Forgiveness as a Process. Healing from betrayal is a complex and challenging process that requires both partners to be committed to rebuilding trust and creating a new relationship contract. This involves acknowledging the pain, taking responsibility for the betrayal, and establishing clear boundaries for the future.

The Importance of Remorse. Genuine remorse from the betrayer is essential for the healing process. This involves expressing empathy for the hurt partner, acknowledging the damage caused by the betrayal, and demonstrating a commitment to change.

The Role of Therapy. Couple therapy can provide a safe and structured environment for processing the betrayal, exploring underlying issues, and developing new communication patterns. A skilled therapist can help couples navigate the difficult emotions and rebuild trust.

11. Power Imbalance Erodes Trust

To be powerful in a relationship we must be capable of accepting influence on some things our partner wants.

Power Dynamics in Relationships. Power imbalances, where one partner holds more influence or control than the other, can undermine trust and create resentment. This is especially true when one partner consistently dismisses or disregards the other's needs and feelings.

The Importance of Mutual Influence. Healthy relationships are characterized by a balance of power, where both partners feel heard, respected, and valued. This involves actively seeking each other's input, compromising on decisions, and sharing responsibilities equitably.

The Role of Acceptance. Men’s acceptance of influence from their female partner was critical for well-functioning heterosexual relationships. The inability to accept influence from women was a stable predictor of relationship meltdown.

12. The Mathematics of Relationships: A New Perspective

Prediction isn’t the same as understanding.

Beyond Checklists. While checklists and observational coding systems can be helpful for identifying relationship patterns, they don't provide a deep understanding of the underlying dynamics. A theoretical framework is needed to explain why certain behaviors lead to specific outcomes.

The Power of Mathematical Modeling. Mathematical modeling, using tools like nonlinear dynamics and chaos theory, can provide a more precise and nuanced understanding of relationship dynamics. This approach allows researchers to simulate interactions, identify key parameters, and explore the potential impact of different interventions.

A New Language for Relationships. By applying mathematical concepts to the study of relationships, we can develop a new language for describing and understanding the complex interplay of emotions, behaviors, and power dynamics. This can lead to more effective interventions and a deeper appreciation for the science of love.

Last updated: February 14, 2025