The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

1. Build and maintain detailed love maps of your partner's world

Without such a love map, you can't really know your spouse. And if you don't really know someone, how can you truly love them?

Know your partner deeply. A love map is the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life. This includes their hopes, fears, goals, and preferences. Couples with detailed love maps are better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.

Keep your love maps updated. As people grow and change, so do their inner worlds. Regularly check in with your partner about their current stresses, joys, and dreams. Ask open-ended questions to learn more about their thoughts and feelings.

Examples of love map questions:

• What are your current worries?
• What are your happiest childhood memories?
• Who are your closest friends right now?
• What are your long-term goals?

2. Nurture fondness and admiration to strengthen your bond

Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.

Cultivate positive thoughts. Focus on your partner's positive qualities and the good times in your relationship. This creates a buffer against negative feelings and interactions. Regularly express appreciation for your partner's traits and actions.

Reminisce about your history. Reflect on how you met, what attracted you to each other, and why you chose to be together. This reinforces your bond and helps you reconnect with the positive feelings that brought you together.

Ways to nurture fondness and admiration:

• Share a daily appreciation
• Reflect on positive memories together
• Create a gratitude journal about your partner
• Compliment your partner to others

3. Turn towards each other in daily interactions to build emotional connection

Couples who engage in lots of such interaction tend to remain happy.

Respond positively to bids for connection. Throughout the day, partners make small bids for attention, affection, and support. Turning towards these bids, rather than away or against them, builds trust and intimacy.

Create rituals of connection. Establish regular ways to connect, such as a daily check-in or weekly date night. These rituals provide stability and ensure you're consistently turning towards each other.

Examples of bids for connection:

• Sharing news about your day
• Asking for help or advice
• Initiating physical affection
• Expressing interest in your partner's hobbies

4. Accept your partner's influence to create a balanced partnership

When the couple disagreed, these husbands actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way.

Share power. Relationships thrive when both partners feel their opinions and feelings are valued. This is especially important for men, who may struggle more with accepting influence due to societal expectations.

Seek compromise. When making decisions, consider your partner's perspective and look for solutions that address both of your needs. This creates a sense of teamwork and mutual respect.

Benefits of accepting influence:

• Increased relationship satisfaction
• Better problem-solving abilities
• Lower risk of divorce
• Improved emotional connection

5. Solve your solvable problems through effective communication

Follow this advice and you're likely to find that solvable problems no longer interfere with your marital happiness.

Identify solvable vs. perpetual problems. Solvable problems are situational and have clear solutions. Perpetual problems stem from fundamental differences and require ongoing management.

Use gentle start-up. Begin discussions softly, without criticism or contempt. Express your feelings using "I" statements and describe what you need clearly and respectfully.

Steps for solving problems:

1. Soften your start-up
2. Make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other's faults

6. Overcome gridlock on perpetual problems by uncovering hidden dreams

Acknowledging and respecting each other's deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is key to saving and enriching your marriage.

Explore underlying dreams. Gridlock occurs when dreams fueling the conflict go unrecognized. These dreams often relate to fundamental needs or values.

Honor each other's dreams. Even if you can't fully realize your partner's dream, you can support and respect it. This creates emotional connection and helps you move from gridlock to dialogue.

Steps to overcome gridlock:

1. Identify the dream within the conflict
2. Discuss the dream's origin and significance
3. Soothe each other during the conversation
4. Find ways to honor the dream within your relationship

7. Create shared meaning to deepen your relationship

Marriage isn't just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together.

Develop a shared culture. Create rituals, symbols, and stories that reflect your values as a couple. This fosters a sense of unity and purpose in your relationship.

Discuss life's big questions. Engage in ongoing conversations about your beliefs, goals, and what gives your life meaning. Find ways to support each other's aspirations and create a shared vision for your future.

Areas to explore for shared meaning:

• Family traditions and rituals
• Roles within the relationship
• Shared goals and life philosophy
• Spiritual or religious beliefs
• Approach to community and social issues

Last updated: July 23, 2024