The Resilience Factor

1. Resilience is a Learnable Skill, Not a Fixed Trait

“Your capacity for resilience is not a genetically fixed trait like how tall you are, nor are there genetic limits on how resilient you can become.”

Resilience is not innate. Unlike physical attributes, resilience is not predetermined by genetics. It's a dynamic ability that can be developed and strengthened through conscious effort and practice. This means that regardless of your current level of resilience, you have the potential to improve.

Research supports change. Decades of scientific research have demonstrated that resilience is not a fixed trait. Studies have shown that people can learn to overcome childhood adversities, steer through daily stresses, bounce back from major setbacks, and reach out for new experiences.

Empowerment through learning. The understanding that resilience is a learnable skill is empowering. It means that you are not a victim of your circumstances or your past. You have the power to change how you respond to adversity and to create a more fulfilling life.

2. Your Thoughts, Not Events, Determine Your Resilience

“It’s all about changing the way you think about adversity.”

The power of interpretation. Our emotional and behavioral responses are not directly caused by events themselves, but by how we interpret those events. This means that the same adversity can elicit different reactions in different people, depending on their beliefs and thinking styles.

Thinking styles as filters. Our thinking styles act as filters through which we view the world. These filters can bias our perceptions, leading to self-defeating patterns of behavior. By understanding our thinking styles, we can begin to challenge and change them.

Cognitive control. Resilience is not about avoiding adversity, but about changing how we think about it. By learning to control our thoughts, we can control our emotions and behaviors, and ultimately, our level of resilience.

3. Master Your ABCs: Adversity, Beliefs, Consequences

“If the thoughts that run through your head when you're faced with adversity are negative or self-critical, they hurt your ability to respond with courage and grace.”

The ABC model. The ABC model is a framework for understanding how our thoughts influence our emotions and behaviors. It consists of three components:

• A (Adversity): The event or situation that triggers a response
• B (Beliefs): The thoughts and interpretations we have about the event
• C (Consequences): The emotions and behaviors that result from our beliefs

Identifying your triggers. The first step in mastering your ABCs is to identify the specific adversities that tend to push your buttons. These are the situations that trigger strong negative emotions and behaviors.

Listening to your self-talk. The next step is to become aware of your ticker-tape beliefs—the thoughts that run through your mind when you are faced with adversity. These beliefs are often automatic and unconscious, but they have a powerful impact on your reactions.

By understanding the ABC model, you can begin to see how your thoughts are shaping your experiences and identify areas where you can make positive changes.

4. Avoid Thinking Traps That Undermine Resilience

“When things go wrong, do you automatically blame yourself? Do you blame others? Do you jump to conclusions?”

Common thinking errors. When faced with adversity, people often make predictable thinking errors that undermine their resilience. These errors include:

• Jumping to conclusions: Making assumptions without sufficient evidence
• Tunnel vision: Focusing only on the negative aspects of a situation
• Magnifying and minimizing: Overemphasizing negative events and downplaying positive ones
• Personalizing: Blaming yourself for events that are outside your control
• Externalizing: Blaming others for events that are your responsibility
• Overgeneralizing: Applying a specific negative event to all areas of your life
• Mind reading: Assuming you know what others are thinking
• Emotional reasoning: Letting your feelings dictate your interpretation of events

Identifying your traps. The first step in avoiding thinking traps is to identify the ones you habitually make. By becoming aware of your patterns of thinking, you can begin to challenge and correct them.

Correcting your thinking. Once you've identified your thinking traps, you can use specific strategies to circumvent them. This might involve gathering more information, considering alternative perspectives, or challenging the accuracy of your assumptions.

5. Detect Your Icebergs: Uncover Your Deep Beliefs

“Identify your fundamental beliefs about how the world is, how it should be, and who you are and want to be.”

Iceberg beliefs are hidden. Iceberg beliefs are deeply held, often unconscious beliefs about yourself, others, and the world. They are called "icebergs" because they often lie beneath the surface of our awareness, yet they have a powerful influence on our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Three categories of icebergs:

• Achievement: Beliefs about success, failure, and competence
• Acceptance: Beliefs about love, belonging, and approval
• Control: Beliefs about power, autonomy, and responsibility

Identifying your icebergs. To detect your iceberg beliefs, you need to ask yourself probing questions about your reactions to adversity. These questions should focus on the meaning and importance of your beliefs, rather than their accuracy.

By uncovering your iceberg beliefs, you can gain a deeper understanding of your motivations and values, and identify areas where your beliefs may be interfering with your resilience.

6. Challenge Your Beliefs for Accurate Problem Solving

“It’s your thinking style that often leads you to misinterpret the causes of a problem, which then leads you to pursue the wrong solutions.”

The importance of accuracy. A key component of resilience is the ability to accurately identify the causes of problems. If you misinterpret the causes, you are likely to pursue ineffective solutions.

Explanatory style. Our explanatory style is the habitual way we explain the good and bad things that happen to us. It can be coded on three dimensions:

• Personal (me vs. not me)
• Permanent (always vs. not always)
• Pervasive (everything vs. not everything)

Testing your beliefs. To challenge your beliefs, you need to gather evidence both for and against them. This involves looking for alternative explanations and considering different perspectives.

Cognitive flexibility. The goal is not to become a Pollyanna optimist, but to develop cognitive flexibility—the ability to see the world from multiple perspectives and to choose the most accurate and useful interpretation.

7. Put It in Perspective: Manage Catastrophic Thinking

“Do you get caught in what-if thinking in which you turn every failure or problem into a catastrophe?”

Catastrophic thinking. Catastrophic thinking involves turning every problem or setback into a major disaster. It often involves "what-if" thinking, where you imagine a chain of increasingly negative events stretching into the future.

The power of perspective. To manage catastrophic thinking, you need to learn to put things in perspective. This involves:

• Identifying your worst-case beliefs
• Estimating the probability of those beliefs coming true
• Generating best-case alternatives
• Identifying the most likely outcomes
• Developing a plan to deal with those outcomes

Realistic optimism. The goal is not to deny the possibility of negative outcomes, but to develop a realistic sense of optimism—the belief that you can handle whatever comes your way.

By putting things in perspective, you can reduce your anxiety and fear, and free up your energy to focus on problem solving.

8. Calming and Focusing: Fast Skills for Emotional Control

“Do you feel overwhelmed by stress? Do your emotions sometimes come on so quickly and fiercely that you can’t seem to think straight?”

The need for fast skills. Sometimes, you need a way to manage your emotions and thoughts quickly, in the moment. Calming and Focusing are fast skills that can help you regain control when you feel overwhelmed.

Calming techniques:

• Controlled breathing: Slow, deep breaths from your diaphragm
• Progressive muscle relaxation: Tensing and relaxing muscle groups
• Positive imagery: Visualizing a calming and relaxing scene

Focusing techniques:

• Mental games: Engaging in challenging but enjoyable mental activities
• Shifting attention: Consciously redirecting your focus to the task at hand

Portability and practice. The key to mastering these skills is to practice them regularly, so that you can use them effectively in any situation.

By learning to calm your body and focus your mind, you can reduce the intensity of your emotions and improve your ability to think clearly under pressure.

9. Real-Time Resilience: Change Thoughts in the Moment

“Are there times when counterproductive thoughts make it hard for you to stay engaged and in the moment? Do certain negative thoughts tend to recur over and over again?”

Changing thoughts in real time. Real-time resilience is a fast skill that allows you to change your counterproductive thoughts as they occur. It involves using the principles of Challenging Beliefs and Putting It in Perspective in the moment.

Three tag lines for real-time resilience:

• Alternatives: "A more accurate way of seeing this is..."
• Evidence: "That's not true because..."
• Implications: "A more likely outcome is... and I can... to deal with it"

Practice and flexibility. The key to mastering real-time resilience is to practice it regularly. Start by using the tag lines to structure your responses, and then gradually move toward a more fluid and intuitive approach.

By learning to change your thoughts in the moment, you can prevent negative beliefs from taking hold and maintain a more resilient mindset.

10. Resilience in Relationships: Communication and Empathy

“The skills of resilience improve your ability to assess risk and plan for potential problems. They deepen your emotional awareness and your interpersonal skills.”

Communication and empathy. Two of the most common problems in relationships are poor communication and destructive fighting. Resilience skills can help you to communicate more effectively and fight more constructively.

Filters in communication:

• Distracting thoughts: Being preoccupied with your own thoughts
• Beliefs: Interpreting your partner's statements through your own filters
• Emotions: Letting your emotions cloud your judgment
• Communication styles: Differences in how you express yourself

Strategies for better communication:

• Use calming techniques to manage your emotions
• Challenge your thinking traps to avoid misinterpretations
• Detect iceberg beliefs to understand your partner's motivations
• Practice active listening and empathy

By using the skills of resilience, you can create a more supportive and understanding relationship with your partner.

11. Resilience in Parenting: Nurturing and Guidance

“Resilience enables you to achieve at the highest levels at work, to have fulfilling, loving relationships, and to raise healthy, happy, successful children.”

Authoritative parenting. Research shows that authoritative parenting is the most effective style for promoting resilience in children. Authoritative parents:

• Monitor and supervise their children
• Provide consistent discipline
• Are supportive and communicative
• Help their children develop emotional awareness, expressiveness, and control

Teaching resilience skills. You can teach your children the core resilience skills by:

• Modeling the skills in your own life
• Helping them identify their ABCs
• Guiding them to challenge their beliefs
• Teaching them to put things in perspective
• Showing them how to use calming and focusing techniques
• Encouraging them to use real-time resilience

Focus on doing well. Instead of focusing on self-esteem, focus on helping your children develop the skills they need to do well in the world. As they succeed, their self-esteem will naturally increase.

By using the skills of resilience, you can create a nurturing and supportive environment that helps your children thrive.

12. Resilience for Life: Meaning, Purpose, and Reaching Out

“Resilience transforms. It transforms hardship into challenge, failure into success, helplessness into power. Resilience turns victims into survivors and allows survivors to thrive.”

Beyond overcoming. Resilience is not just about overcoming adversity, it's also about reaching out and creating a more meaningful life. This involves:

• Assessing risks accurately
• Knowing yourself well
• Finding meaning and purpose in your life

Reaching out. Reaching out involves taking on new challenges, forming new relationships, and seeking new experiences. It requires courage, curiosity, and a willingness to step outside your comfort zone.

Creating meaning. Finding meaning in life involves connecting with something larger than yourself. This might involve your work, your relationships, your community, or your spiritual beliefs.

By using the skills of resilience, you can create a life that is rich in meaning, purpose, and connection.

Last updated: January 25, 2025