The Twentysomething Handbook

1. Embrace the Twenties Transition: It's Okay to Feel In-Between.

I think it’s worth acknowledging that this is a time when the game has changed, and that it’s okay to feel out of sorts or like things are just hard(er).

Navigating new challenges. The twenties are a period of significant transition, often feeling like a shift where the rules of life have changed. It's a time of growth and building habits for the future, but it can also feel difficult and uncertain. This feeling of being "out of sorts" or that things are harder than expected is a common experience.

Common struggles. Many twentysomethings grapple with finding their place, securing stable jobs, managing finances, and building meaningful relationships. The shiny future envisioned years ago might not have materialized yet, leading to feelings of not having "arrived." This phase involves navigating practical tasks alongside deeper personal challenges.

You're not alone. Despite feeling like you're the only one struggling, these challenges are widely shared among peers. The journey through the twenties involves temporary jobs, evolving relationships, adapting to new places, and figuring out daily life. This book serves as a companion to help navigate this work, reminding you that these feelings and situations are not permanent.

2. Build Your Home Base: Make Your City Yours.

Learning to love where you are, even if it’s not right where you want to be, can make life less of a struggle and more of an adventure.

Transforming a new place. Moving to a new city can feel unfamiliar and challenging, especially when comparing it to the comfort and memories of a previous home. It takes time and effort to build affection for a new location, but approaching it with a spirit of exploration can turn the struggle into an adventure. Missing the old doesn't mean you can't embrace the new.

Practical preparations matter. Easing the transition involves practical steps taken before and after the move. Researching the city, updating addresses, setting up banking and utilities, and understanding local regulations like DMV requirements can reduce initial overwhelm. Being prepared for basic needs like groceries, transportation, and finding essential services is crucial for settling in.

Explore and connect. Making a city feel like home goes beyond logistics; it involves active engagement. Explore neighborhoods, find local spots like coffee shops or parks, get a library card, and follow local news to understand the community vibe. Connecting with the history, culture, and natural environment of your new home helps build a sense of belonging and provides opportunities to meet people.

3. Navigate the Job World: Find and Keep Meaningful Work.

In a survey I conducted in 2016, only 36 percent of people between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four said that the career path they had chosen was aligned with their life purpose.

Job hunting challenges. The search for work can be daunting, especially when starting out. It's essential to present yourself professionally, starting with your online presence and resume. Leveraging your existing network of friends and family can provide valuable connections and increase your chances of getting noticed among many applicants.

Interview preparedness is key. Having thoughtful questions prepared for the end of an interview demonstrates preparedness and genuine interest. Questions about team dynamics, training, challenges, and the role's fit within the organization can provide crucial information for your decision and show you're serious. Handling rejection without taking it personally is also vital, as many factors beyond your control influence hiring decisions.

Thriving in the workplace. Once hired, adapting to a professional environment involves understanding expectations and navigating relationships. Being punctual, managing phone use discreetly, being a courteous coworker, and avoiding gossip are important. Asking questions, owning mistakes, and seeking a mentor can help you learn and grow, while knowing your rights regarding harassment and discrimination is essential for safety.

4. Master Your Living Space: Renting, Roommates, and Responsibilities.

Home may not be heaven, but it should at least be a haven—a safe and comfortable place to return to after being out in the world.

Finding the right fit. Deciding where and with whom to live involves balancing budget, location, and personal preferences. Whether living alone or with roommates, the goal is to create a safe and comfortable space. Financial considerations, like the standard advice to spend no more than one-third of income on housing, are critical, but don't forget related expenses like utilities, insurance, and pet fees.

Shared living dynamics. Living with others offers financial benefits but requires communication and compromise. Discussing expectations around cleanliness, guests, noise, and shared expenses before moving in is crucial. Establishing house rules and cleaning routines can prevent common conflicts, and addressing issues directly rather than letting resentment build is key to maintaining positive relationships.

Tenant rights and duties. Understanding your rights and responsibilities as a renter is vital for navigating potential issues with landlords. Keep records of all communication and document the apartment's condition before moving in. Knowing what your landlord is legally required to provide (like running water and necessary repairs) and the proper steps to take if they don't can protect you.

5. Handle Your Finances: Budgeting, Debt, and Saving.

Create a budget, pay down your debt, and learn how to get a handle on credit.

Financial planning essentials. Managing money effectively is a core adulting skill. Start by understanding your income and tracking your spending to see where your money goes. Create a budget that distinguishes between needs, wants, and savings goals, aiming to save at least 10% of your income and keep housing costs below 30%.

Cutting expenses smartly. Saving money involves conscious choices across various categories. Food costs can be reduced by meal planning, cooking at home, buying in bulk, and shopping sales. Housing costs can be lowered by choosing slightly less expensive neighborhoods or having roommates. Transportation, entertainment, and clothing expenses also offer opportunities for significant savings through mindful spending and seeking alternatives like secondhand items or free activities.

Debt and credit management. Understanding debt and building good credit are crucial for long-term financial health. Pay bills on time to build a positive payment history, which significantly impacts your credit score. Manage credit utilization by keeping balances low relative to credit limits. If dealing with debt, explore strategies like balance transfers, debt consolidation, or negotiating with creditors, and know your rights regarding debt collectors.

6. Nourish Yourself Well: Affordable, Healthy Eating Habits.

Learning to plan, shop for, and prepare the foods you love to eat can be one of the biggest challenges of being on your own.

Building kitchen confidence. For many, being on their own means confronting a lack of cooking skills. Start small by aiming to cook at home a few more nights a week to save money and create a sense of home. Practice basic skills like cooking pasta, eggs, or simple proteins, and gradually add new dishes to your repertoire.

Flavor on a budget. Seasoning can transform simple, inexpensive ingredients into delicious meals. Building a collection of basic spices and spice mixes can add variety to repetitive meals. Look for affordable sources like discount stores or international markets, and consider growing fresh herbs if you have the space.

Plan, prep, and save. Meal planning helps avoid last-minute, expensive takeout decisions. Look ahead at your week, decide which days to cook, and create a shopping list based on recipes. Meal prepping by cooking basics in batches on days off saves time and ensures you have healthy options readily available throughout the week, reducing the temptation to eat out.

7. Declutter Your Life: Manage Stuff and Spending.

Your twenties are a great time to look around at your life and figure out what you want to carry with you into the future and what you’re ready to leave behind.

Assessing possessions and values. The twenties often involve mobility and limited space, forcing decisions about what possessions are truly valued. Our consumer culture encourages constant buying, but accumulating excessive stuff doesn't necessarily lead to happiness. Learning to distinguish between needs and wants and being mindful of purchases can reduce clutter and financial strain.

Strategies for sorting. Going through accumulated possessions can be daunting, but tackling it gradually or with help can make it manageable. Decide what you'll actually use, wear, or read again, and let go of the rest. Taking photos of sentimental items can serve as keepsakes without keeping the physical object, and allowing a designated box for mementos helps contain clutter.

Conscious consumption alternatives. Avoiding buying new all the time saves money and reduces environmental impact. Explore options like asking friends and family for items they no longer need, organizing clothing or household swaps, bartering skills, or finding free items online. Shopping secondhand at thrift stores, consignment shops, or online marketplaces is another excellent way to acquire needed items affordably.

8. Cultivate Real Relationships: Family, Friends, and Partners.

More important than anything is that as human beings, we need other people.

Building your social circle. Maintaining past friendships while seeking new connections is crucial, especially when moving or experiencing life changes. Making new friends as an adult can be challenging without the built-in social structures of school. Actively joining groups, activities, or organizations based on your interests is an effective way to meet people with shared passions.

Fighting loneliness effectively. Loneliness is a common experience in the twenties, often linked to lack of meaningful in-person interactions. While social media has a role, it doesn't replace face-to-face connection. Be proactive in inviting people over or organizing outings to move from acquaintances to friends. Regular gatherings, even small ones, build momentum and deepen connections.

Navigating relationship dynamics. Relationships evolve as lives diverge through marriage, careers, or starting families. Be understanding and flexible as friends' lives change. Learning to be a good partner involves honest communication, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing forgiveness. Whether seeking romance or choosing to be single, understanding your own needs and being upfront with others is key.

9. Prioritize Your Mental Health: Recognize Struggles and Seek Help.

Knowing what helps and what hurts in the struggle for mental health is half the battle.

Understanding mental wellness. Mental health is more than the absence of illness; it involves getting enough sleep, eating well, being physically active, maintaining relationships, and experiencing a range of emotions without getting stuck. Recognizing when these areas are disrupted can be an early sign of a mental health issue.

Identifying signs and symptoms. Pay attention to persistent changes in mood, thinking, or behavior that interfere with daily life. Signs like excessive worry, prolonged sadness, difficulty concentrating, extreme mood swings, social withdrawal, or changes in habits could indicate a problem. Consulting reliable sources like NAMI or NIMH can provide more information on symptoms.

Seeking and managing help. Taking the step to talk to a doctor or therapist requires courage due to lingering stigma, but it's crucial for getting assessed and finding effective treatment. Treatment options include therapy, medication, support groups, and learning coping skills. Be patient with the process, advocate for yourself, and build a support network of people who are understanding and willing to help.

10. Process Loss and Grief: Healing Takes Time and Support.

Grieving is exhausting work that often goes unnoticed, especially once the immediate crisis seems to be over.

Grief in many forms. Loss is an inevitable part of life, extending beyond the death of loved ones to include the end of relationships, job loss, health changes, or even the bittersweet feelings associated with positive transitions like moving. Each loss requires time and energy to process, and the impact can be significant, sometimes disrupting our sense of self and the world.

Finding healthy coping strategies. There is no single "right" way to grieve, and what helps varies from person to person and over time. Strategies include allowing time for feelings, creating memorials, engaging with art or music, journaling, seeking therapy or support groups, and finding moments of joy and laughter. It's important to stay connected to supportive people and give yourself permission to not handle everything perfectly.

Supporting others through grief. Knowing how to support a grieving friend can be challenging, but actions often speak louder than words. Offer specific help with practical tasks like groceries or chores, show up for services, and check in regularly, especially on difficult dates like anniversaries. Be a compassionate listener, share memories if appropriate, and be comfortable with their emotions without trying to fix or minimize their pain.

11. Practice Forgiveness: Repair Relationships and Yourself.

The ability to apologize is a life skill that can make everything easier—friendships, romance, family dynamics, work.

The power of apology. Apologizing well is a vital life skill that strengthens relationships across all areas of life. While it can feel vulnerable or uncomfortable, it demonstrates maturity, builds trust, and allows for repair after mistakes or hurts. Being quick to apologize (unless the other person needs space) and using sincere words without excuses are key components.

Constructing a sincere apology. A good apology involves acknowledging the specific wrongdoing, expressing genuine sorrow, and taking responsibility for the impact of your actions on the other person. It requires humility and courage. While gestures can accompany an apology, they don't replace the verbal or written expression of regret and understanding.

Forgiving yourself. Learning to extend the same grace and forgiveness to yourself that you offer others is often the hardest part. Self-criticism can be heavy baggage, but recognizing that mistakes are opportunities for learning can help. Practicing self-compassion, talking to trusted individuals, and identifying negative thought patterns are steps toward releasing the weight of self-blame and moving toward wholeness.

12. Engage with Difference: Embrace Diversity and Inclusion.

People who are comfortable with difference are happier.

The value of diversity. Getting comfortable with people from different backgrounds, cultures, and identities is a crucial life skill that enriches your world and makes you more adaptable. Diverse teams are more productive and innovative. Pushing beyond familiar circles challenges assumptions and fosters curiosity, leading to a deeper understanding of the world's complexity and beauty.

Learning and growing. Engaging with diversity means accepting that you will make mistakes and say or do the wrong thing sometimes. These moments are opportunities for learning and growth. Actively seeking out diverse voices through media, art, and personal encounters helps broaden your perspective and build cultural competence and humility.

Taking action for inclusion. Moving beyond personal comfort to actively support diversity and inclusion involves conscious effort. Join organizations working for social justice, interfaith understanding, or equality. If you hold privilege, use it to advocate for others, amplify marginalized voices, and challenge discriminatory structures. This work requires courage, commitment, and a willingness to learn continuously.

Last updated: May 3, 2025