Key Takeaways
1. Unlock Male Pleasure by Dismantling His Defenses
In this sense, every man is a knight in shining—or not-so-shining—armor.
Physical and Psychological Armor. Men often unconsciously protect their pelvic region, creating tension that inhibits sexual experience. This "armor" is both physical (tight muscles) and psychological (fear of vulnerability). Understanding this defensiveness is the first step to unlocking deeper pleasure.
Open His Pelvis. Help him relax and release tension in his pelvic area through massage, stretching, and mindful breathing. This can improve blood flow and increase sensitivity. Encourage him to let go of control and embrace vulnerability.
Beyond the Penis. Expand his awareness beyond the penis to include the entire pelvic region, including the perineum, testicles, and even the anal area. These areas are rich with nerve endings and can be sources of intense pleasure when approached with sensitivity and respect.
2. Desire is More Than Just a Starting Point; It's the Whole Journey
Desire doesn’t just give rise to sex; desire is borne of sex as well.
Desire is Dynamic. Don't treat desire as a simple on/off switch. It's a continuous process that evolves throughout the sexual experience and beyond. Cultivate desire through anticipation, novelty, and emotional connection.
Beyond the Orgasm. Shift the focus from the destination (orgasm) to the journey (pleasure). Encourage him to savor each sensation and appreciate the entire experience, not just the end result. This can involve slowing down, exploring different types of touch, and engaging his senses.
Erotic Glue. Desire is the "erotic glue" that binds sexual encounters together. It's the anticipation before, the connection during, and the lingering satisfaction afterward. Nurture desire through ongoing communication, shared fantasies, and acts of affection.
3. Master the Three Types of Erections to Maximize Arousal
Did you know that all men experience three different types of erections? Count’em: three.
Psychogenic, Reflex, and Nocturnal. Understanding the different types of erections—brain-driven (psychogenic), touch-triggered (reflex), and sleep-related (nocturnal)—is key to maximizing arousal. Boredom often stems from a lack of fresh psychogenic stimuli.
Tap into Reflex Arousal. Even when desire is low, physical stimulation can spark arousal. Don't underestimate the power of touch to ignite his libido. Use massage, sensual caresses, and playful teasing to awaken his senses.
Morning Glory. Take advantage of nocturnal erections as a starting point for intimacy. If he wakes up with an erection, initiate physical contact and let arousal build from there. This can be a great way to break out of a sex rut.
4. Tap into the Brain's Natural Sex Stimulants for Hotter Sex
Dopamine, thy name is persistence.
Dopamine is Key. Dopamine, a natural amphetamine, plays a crucial role in sexual arousal and goal attainment. Stimulate dopamine release through novelty, excitement, and delayed gratification.
The Thrill of the Chase. Reintroduce elements of pursuit and anticipation into your relationship. Create opportunities for playful teasing, flirtation, and mild risk-taking. Absence can make the heart (and brain) grow fonder.
Beyond Routine. Break free from predictable sex scripts and routines. Introduce new activities, locations, and fantasies to keep things fresh and exciting. Variety is the spice of life, and the lifeblood of great sex.
5. Fantasy is the Engine of Desire: Explore His Unique Love Map
Fantasy is both the engine of desire and the lubricant of arousal.
Unleash the Power of Imagination. Fantasy is what makes each sexual experience unique. Encourage him to share his secret desires and explore his "love map"—the subconscious blueprint of his erotic preferences.
Break Free from Porn. While porn can be a quick fix, it often obscures the development of a personal love map. Encourage him to tap into his own imagination and explore his unique turn-ons.
Safe Exploration. Create a safe space for him to express his fantasies without judgment. This can involve sharing your own fantasies, role-playing, or simply discussing his desires in a non-threatening way.
6. Fitness Fuels Desire: Prioritize His Sexual Health
In fact, just the opposite is true: being healthy allows you to have as much sex as you want.
Health and Libido. Sexual health is closely linked to overall physical well-being. Encourage him to exercise regularly, eat a healthy diet, manage stress, and get enough sleep.
Exercise as Foreplay. Aerobic exercise boosts blood flow and releases endorphins, both of which enhance sexual arousal. Suggest a workout together before a romantic evening.
Holistic Approach. Address underlying health issues that may be affecting his libido, such as obesity, high cholesterol, or depression. A holistic approach to health can lead to a more fulfilling sex life.
7. Foreplay is a State of Mind, Not Just a Physical Prelude
Foreplay happens outside the bedroom.
Beyond the Dictionary Definition. Foreplay is more than just physical stimulation before intercourse. It's a state of mind, a way of infusing your relationship with eros and anticipation.
Decouple Foreplay and Sex. Foreplay doesn't always have to lead to intercourse or orgasm. Sometimes, the pleasure is in the anticipation and connection, not the culmination.
Eroticize Daily Life. Integrate sensuality and flirtation into your everyday interactions. A playful touch, a suggestive whisper, or a shared fantasy can keep the spark alive outside the bedroom.
8. Embrace "Extreme Foreplay" to Reignite the Spark
I want you to get ready to whisper in your lover’s ear all the dirty little secrets you’ve never dared to share with anyone else before and reignite that extraordinary sense of youthful wonder and surprise that embodies truly great sex.
Step Outside Your Comfort Zone. Take "safe risks" by exploring new and exciting sexual experiences together. This can involve sharing secret fantasies, trying new positions, or experimenting with role-playing.
The "I Want" Exercise. Encourage him to express his deepest desires without judgment. This can be a powerful way to unlock new levels of intimacy and excitement.
Novelty and Excitement. The key to "extreme foreplay" is to introduce elements of surprise, novelty, and mystery into your sex life. This can help reignite the passion and excitement of a new relationship.
9. Become a Modern White Tigress: Empower Your Sexuality
To her, sex means recreating [youthful] feelings of adventure, romance and playfulness….
Embrace Your Inner Tigress. Adopt the mindset of a White Tigress, a woman who practices disciplined sexual practices for her own health, youthfulness, and rejuvenation.
Green and Jade Dragons. Learn to identify and fulfill his different needs. Be his "Green Dragon" by using him for your own pleasure, and his "Jade Dragon" by engaging in mutually beneficial sexual practices.
Prioritize Pleasure. Make sex a critical and essential component of your life. Allot plenty of time and a revered place in your busy lives solely for exploring and experiencing sexual pleasure together.
10. Hands-On Heat: Master the Art of Manual Stimulation
The male propensity to objectify body parts stands in marked contrast to women.
Beyond Rhythmic Stroking. Learn the art of manual stimulation by understanding his unique arousal process. Start with gentle, unfocused touch and gradually build to more intense rhythmic strokes.
The Four-Part Process. Master the four phases of manual stimulation: filling, grasping and clasping, stroking and squeezing to ejaculatory inevitability, and stroking and squeezing through orgasm and ejaculation.
The Squeeze, Please, at Ease Method. Use this technique to control his arousal and prevent him from reaching orgasm too quickly. Squeeze his glans, please him with other forms of stimulation, and then ease off to build anticipation.
11. Oral Ecstasy: Beyond Technique, Embrace Connection
A few men can’t take even the shortest genital kiss before ejaculating.
More Than Just a Blow Job. Oral sex is more than just a technique; it's an opportunity for intimacy and connection. Focus on his pleasure, but also communicate your own desires and boundaries.
The Art of Teasing. Use your mouth to tease and tantalize him, building anticipation and excitement. Vary the pressure, speed, and location of your touch.
Beyond the Head. Don't limit your oral attention to the head of his penis. Explore the shaft, testicles, and perineum with your lips and tongue.
12. Intercourse as Exploration: Chart New Territories of Pleasure
Every word, every page, and every chapter adds up to the whole.
Beyond the Missionary Position. Experiment with different intercourse positions to find what works best for both of you. Focus on positions that allow for clitoral stimulation, deep penetration, and eye contact.
Take Control. As the woman, take the lead during intercourse. Control the rhythm, depth, and angle of penetration. Use your hands to stimulate his erogenous zones and guide his movements.
Integrate Other Techniques. Don't rely solely on intercourse for pleasure. Combine it with manual and oral stimulation, massage, and other forms of touch to create a more fulfilling and multi-sensory experience.
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FAQ
1. What is "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner about?
- A thinking woman’s guide: The book is a comprehensive guide for women who want to better understand and pleasure their male partners, focusing on both physical techniques and the psychological aspects of male sexuality.
- Beyond sex tips: Kerner aims to provide more than just sexual techniques; he offers a vision for a more connected, mutually satisfying sexual relationship.
- Male sexuality demystified: The book explores the complexity of male desire, arousal, and emotional needs, debunking myths and stereotypes about men being simple or always ready for sex.
- Empowerment and equality: It positions women as empowered partners who can lead, innovate, and inspire better sex for both themselves and their partners.
2. Why should I read "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner?
- Level up your sex life: The book offers actionable advice for women who want to enhance intimacy, pleasure, and communication in their relationships.
- Understand the male perspective: It provides rare insight into the male sexual experience, including anxieties, desires, and the impact of cultural pressures.
- Move beyond clichés: Kerner challenges the idea that men are easy to please or only care about intercourse, showing that men are as complex and emotionally driven as women.
- Mutual satisfaction focus: The book emphasizes that great sex is about shared pleasure, not just male gratification, and that women’s enjoyment is central to a fulfilling sex life.
3. What are the key takeaways from "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner?
- Male sexuality is complex: Men’s sexual needs and anxieties are often misunderstood or oversimplified; understanding them leads to better intimacy.
- Communication is crucial: Open, honest conversations about desires, fantasies, and insecurities are essential for a satisfying sex life.
- Foreplay and coreplay matter: Kerner redefines foreplay as an ongoing, essential part of sexual connection, not just a prelude to intercourse.
- Pleasure is mutual: The best sex happens when both partners are engaged, present, and focused on each other’s enjoyment, not just the end goal of orgasm.
4. How does Ian Kerner define and address male sexual anxiety in "He Comes Next"?
- Spectatoring and performance pressure: Kerner discusses how men often become self-conscious during sex, worrying about performance, size, and stamina, which can inhibit pleasure.
- Impact of porn and pharmaceuticals: The book explores how porn and drugs like Viagra can increase anxiety by setting unrealistic standards for male sexuality.
- Encouraging vulnerability: Kerner advocates for creating a safe space where men can let go of control, be vulnerable, and experience deeper pleasure.
- Role of the partner: Women are encouraged to reassure, communicate, and help men move beyond performance anxiety by focusing on connection and enjoyment.
5. What is the "shaky bridge" concept in "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner?
- Origin in psychology: The "shaky bridge" refers to a psychological study where heightened excitement (from crossing a shaky bridge) increased sexual attraction, illustrating the power of novelty and adrenaline in desire.
- Metaphor for relationships: Kerner uses the shaky bridge as a metaphor for the excitement and risk that can reignite passion in long-term relationships.
- Practical application: He encourages couples to seek out new, thrilling, or slightly risky experiences together to stimulate desire and keep sex fresh.
- Empowering women: The "woman on the shaky bridge" is a symbol of a woman who understands and leverages the psychology of desire to create lasting attraction.
6. What are the main myths about male sexuality that "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner debunks?
- Men are always ready for sex: The book shows that men’s desire is not constant and can be affected by stress, emotional connection, and relationship dynamics.
- Size is everything: Kerner explains that penis size is less important than most people think, and emotional connection and technique matter more.
- Men don’t need foreplay: The book argues that men benefit from and enjoy extended foreplay, sensual touch, and emotional intimacy.
- Men don’t have sexual insecurities: Kerner reveals that men often worry about performance, pleasing their partners, and being "normal," just like women do.
7. How does "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner explain the male sexual response cycle?
- Five stages of response: The book covers desire, arousal, plateau, orgasm, and resolution, emphasizing that desire is not just the starting point but weaves throughout.
- Three types of erections: Kerner details psychogenic (mental), reflex (physical), and nocturnal (spontaneous) erections, each playing a role in male arousal.
- Orgasm vs. ejaculation: He clarifies that orgasm and ejaculation are related but distinct processes, and men can experience different types of orgasms.
- Importance of slowing down: The book encourages slowing the process to maximize pleasure and intimacy, rather than rushing to orgasm.
8. What practical techniques and advice does Ian Kerner offer for pleasuring a man in "He Comes Next"?
- Focus on the whole body: Kerner advocates for exploring the entire male pelvis and body, not just the penis, to enhance pleasure.
- Manual and oral techniques: The book provides detailed, step-by-step advice for manual stimulation, oral sex, and integrating these with emotional connection.
- Building anticipation: Techniques include teasing, varying touch, and using non-genital stimulation to build arousal before direct stimulation.
- Encouraging male submission: Kerner suggests that allowing men to be passive, tied up, or blindfolded can be highly pleasurable and help them let go.
9. How does "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner address the role of fantasy and communication in sexual satisfaction?
- Fantasy as a healthy tool: The book normalizes sexual fantasy for both partners, emphasizing that it’s natural and can enhance intimacy.
- Overcoming guilt and shame: Kerner discusses how cultural and personal inhibitions can block the enjoyment of fantasy, and encourages open, nonjudgmental sharing.
- Practical exercises: He offers exercises for couples to safely share and explore fantasies, such as the "I want" statements and "I had a dream" technique.
- Fantasy fuels desire: Embracing and communicating about fantasies can break routine and reignite passion in long-term relationships.
10. What is the difference between "foreplay" and "coreplay" in "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner?
- Redefining foreplay: Kerner argues that foreplay should not be seen as a mere prelude to intercourse, but as an essential, ongoing part of sexual connection.
- Coreplay concept: "Coreplay" is Kerner’s term for all non-intercourse sexual activities (manual, oral, sensual touch) that are valuable in their own right.
- Mutual pleasuring: The book encourages couples to see all forms of sexual activity as equally important, moving away from a hierarchy that puts intercourse at the top.
- Expanding the menu: By embracing coreplay, couples can keep sex varied, creative, and satisfying for both partners.
11. How does "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner suggest couples can keep sex exciting in long-term relationships?
- Novelty and risk: Kerner recommends introducing new experiences, settings, and playful risks (the "shaky bridge" approach) to stimulate desire.
- Role of anticipation: Building sexual anticipation outside the bedroom through flirting, sexting, or planning surprises can reignite passion.
- Exploring fantasies together: Sharing and sometimes acting on fantasies keeps the relationship dynamic and prevents boredom.
- Continuous communication: Regular, honest conversations about desires, boundaries, and satisfaction help couples adapt and grow together sexually.
12. What are the best quotes from "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner and what do they mean?
- "Sex is about expanding who we are, what we want, and what we think we want in the most incredibly intimate way."
- This quote encapsulates Kerner’s belief that sex is a journey of mutual growth, discovery, and self-expansion, not just a physical act.
- "The sex you give is only as good as the sex you get."
- Kerner emphasizes that mutual pleasure and satisfaction are essential; one partner’s enjoyment enhances the other’s.
- "Great sex isn’t about techniques or knowing what works; it’s about knowing how and why it works."
- The book prioritizes understanding, communication, and emotional connection over rote sexual tricks or positions.
- "You’re not simply going to play the part of the woman on the shaky bridge; you are the woman on the shaky bridge."
- This quote encourages women to embrace their power, creativity, and agency in shaping their sexual relationships.
Review Summary
He Comes Next receives mixed reviews, with an average rating of 3.69/5. Readers appreciate its insights into male psychology and sexuality, finding it informative and eye-opening. Many value the focus on intimacy and emotional connection rather than just physical techniques. Some praise its feminist perspective and recommend it for both men and women. Critics find it obvious or lacking in new information. Overall, readers appreciate the book's approach to understanding male desire and improving sexual relationships, though some feel it could be more comprehensive or inclusive.
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