Tough Titties

1. Childhood Scars Shape Adult Insecurities

This is why creating art is so risky! You couldn’t pick a more literal way to infect someone with the twin beliefs—those gleaming pillars of self-doubt—that “It’s not safe to be me” and “It’s deadly to be disliked.”

Lasting impact of bullying. Childhood experiences, particularly bullying, can deeply wound the psyche and instill a fear of being disliked or exposed. The author recounts the cruelty of Deb Fishbone in sixth grade, who weaponized her vulnerability by reading her personal story aloud, reinforcing the idea that being authentically herself was unsafe. This early trauma contributed to a lifelong need for external validation and insecurity.

Insecurity drives behavior. The fear of not fitting in or being judged led to desperate attempts to conform, like filing down new shoes to make them look worn or trying to adopt the "cool" behaviors of others. Even years later, the author admits to hate-following old nemeses online, still seeking a form of validation or revenge fantasy, demonstrating how deeply ingrained these early insecurities can become.

The paradox of seeking approval. The author highlights the irony of seeking approval from those who caused the pain, like friending Deb Fishbone on Facebook. This behavior stems from a desire to prove them wrong or see them fail, but ultimately keeps the old wound alive. The realization that the bully grew up to be "basic" offers a form of closure, suggesting that conformity, not individuality, is the true "kiss of death."

2. Body Image Battles Are Lifelong Wars

I was twelve. I would never again eat without considering the outcome.

Early onset of body issues. The author's struggles with body image began at a young age, marked by a pediatrician's comment ("Watch the potato chips") and childhood teasing. This led to a lifelong preoccupation with weight, dieting, and comparing herself to others, particularly those who seemed effortlessly thin or had the "right" body type for designer jeans.

The pursuit of thinness. The quest for thinness involved various methods, from Jazzercise and "Thin Thighs in 30 Days" to Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and excessive exercise (running until toenails fell off). The author became consumed with calorie counting and food rules, even engaging in disordered behaviors like attempting to throw up or sneak-eating ice cream, driven by the belief that being skinny was "the key to life" and a source of validation.

Complex relationship with her body. Despite efforts to control her weight and even undergoing multiple breast reduction surgeries, the author's body issues persisted. She acknowledges that her relationship with food and her body is a "long-hauler" issue, still marked by constant calculation and self-judgment. This illustrates the deep societal conditioning around female bodies and the difficulty of achieving true self-acceptance.

3. The Non-Linear Path to a Dream Job

My job-free, loser status? That left me wide open when a friend called about a job starting that day.

Rejecting the traditional path. After college, the author actively avoided conventional corporate jobs, viewing them as "soul-sucking" and requiring dreaded pantyhose. Instead, she pursued bartending school, hoping for a glamorous, social career, but found herself "pounding the pavement" with little success, highlighting the gap between fantasy and reality.

Unexpected opportunities arise. Her meandering path, including failed bartending stints and a period of unemployment living at home, unexpectedly led to opportunities. Being available when a friend called about a last-minute fact-checking job for a famous author opened doors. This temporary gig, taken out of convenience rather than strategic planning, became a crucial stepping stone.

Finding fulfillment in unexpected places. The fact-checking job, initially just a way to make money, revealed a talent for writing "little nuggets" and injecting personality into text. This experience, along with later roles writing promos for VH1 and Nick at Nite, demonstrated that fulfilling work could be found by leveraging her natural abilities (like watching TV and being funny) rather than forcing herself into a predefined career mold.

4. Seeking Validation in All the Wrong Places

A boy liking you wasn’t just someone to go to the movies with. It was a green light to like yourself.

Boys as a metric of worth. Growing up, particularly in an all-girls school environment, the author internalized the belief that male attention was the ultimate measure of self-worth and desirability. This insecurity stemmed from early rejections, like being the last picked at parties or having a bottle spin land on her resulting in a "do-over."

The "Blow Job Journey". This quest for validation manifested in a series of encounters where the author used sexual acts, particularly blow jobs, as a way to feel seen, wanted, and powerful. These encounters, often with unavailable or inappropriate men (bar owners, married men), became a "satisfying metric," a way to measure her appeal and feel like she was "moving up in life," even if the experiences themselves were often uncomfortable or demeaning.

Confusing attention with connection. The author admits that these encounters were less about sexual desire and more about seeking external reinforcement. The blow job became a "kiss-off," a way to end an interaction while still feeling like she had "gotten something." This pattern highlights a "scarcity mindset," where any attention was better than none, preventing her from seeking or recognizing healthier connections.

5. Embracing Your Flaws Can Lead to Unexpected Wins

I haven’t had that kind of luck at airports, but thanks to being late to meet Susan, I got the unfair upgrade of all time.

Chronic lateness as a defining trait. The author is habitually late, a flaw she dislikes in herself and others. She attributes it to "clock dysmorphia" and "magical thinking" about time, rather than arrogance. This trait caused problems, like missing work hours or annoying friends, but also led to a significant positive outcome.

Lateness leads to a key relationship. Being late to meet a friend for lunch resulted in meeting the friend's assistant, Victoria. While waiting, the author and Victoria instantly connected, forming a deep and lasting friendship. This friendship became a crucial support system and eventually led to meeting her future husband, Steven.

Flaws as part of identity. While acknowledging the negative consequences of her lateness, the author also frames it as an intrinsic part of who she is. This acceptance, however reluctant at times, suggests that sometimes our imperfections, rather than needing to be fixed, can inadvertently shape our lives in unexpected and positive ways, leading to connections or opportunities we might have missed otherwise.

6. Self-Help Isn't Always the Answer

My dad insisted, “It’s the greatest tool we have for discovering who we are,” and to that, I say, oh yeah? What about those online quizzes that tell you which of the Golden Girls you are?

Skepticism towards therapy. Growing up with a psychotherapist father who saw therapy as the solution to everything, the author developed a strong resistance to it. Forced into therapy as a child, she felt probed and misunderstood, leading to a lifelong distrust of the process and a reluctance to engage with her own feelings.

Searching for external transformation. Despite her skepticism, the author sought external help when feeling stuck, attending workshops like "Spontaneous Metamorphosis" with the Spears. She hoped these programs would provide a quick fix, "tap her talent," or reveal a clear path to success and happiness. However, she found the experience uncomfortable, judgmental, and filled with platitudes she couldn't fully embrace.

The limitations of structured growth. The workshop experience, marked by forced vulnerability, uncomfortable exercises (like standing in swimsuits), and a rigid ideology, ultimately felt inauthentic. While she initially convinced herself it was working and even "enrolled" in their agenda, she eventually realized that true growth wasn't happening through their methods. This highlights that self-improvement is a personal journey that doesn't always fit into predefined programs or require abandoning one's core self.

7. Finding Love When You Least Expect It

I did it all wrong, and I wouldn’t do it any other way.

Love arrives in the mess. Contrary to conventional self-help advice that suggests you must be perfectly healed and "radically love yourself" before finding love, the author met her husband, Steven, while she was at a low point. She was in a miserable, cheating relationship with Antonio, consumed by insecurity and obsession, and feeling generally lost.

An unconventional beginning. Their connection began on a boat party, but solidified after the trauma of 9/11 when she sought comfort among friends. Despite initial confusion about his sexuality and the fact that they were both in relationships ("stuff"), they continued to connect over shared interests and humor, building a foundation of compatibility that had been missing in previous relationships.

Defying dating rules. Their relationship developed while they were still disentangling themselves from their respective partners. The author admits this wasn't the most ethical start, but argues that sometimes the "great love of your life" doesn't follow the rules. Her experience suggests that connection and compatibility, even found amidst personal chaos, can be more powerful than adhering to prescribed dating timelines or waiting until everything is "perfect."

8. Navigating the Pressure to Have Kids

“No kids” is. Not having kids either means something’s wrong, y’know, down there (and no one wants to open that can of sperm), or it means you’re a weirdo.

The assumption of motherhood. Growing up, the author, like many women, assumed she would have children, viewing it as an inevitable "someday" rather than a choice. This societal expectation created internal dread, as she never felt a natural inclination towards babies or childcare, preferring babysitting gigs where the kids were already asleep.

A decision journey, not a fertility journey. Unlike many narratives about women who delay motherhood and face fertility struggles, the author's journey was primarily one of deciding if she wanted kids at all. She spent years waiting to feel "baby fever" or a maternal urge that never arrived, feeling like a "weirdo" for not having this innate desire.

Challenging societal norms. The author highlights the lack of positive narratives or role models for women who deliberately choose not to have children. This societal pressure made the decision difficult and often led to uncomfortable interrogations from strangers (like the cab driver) or concerned family members. Ultimately, she found peace and confidence in her decision, embracing it as a valid life choice despite the external judgment.

9. Corporate Life Isn't for Everyone

In my mind, corporate is a culture (or ring of hell) that obsesses over structures and policy, where people say things like “chain of command” and “run it up the flagpole.”

A mismatch of personality and environment. The author's experience in a traditional Midtown magazine office highlighted her fundamental incompatibility with corporate culture. Her casual attire (baby tees), unconventional work style (lateness, lack of detail orientation), and desire for creative freedom clashed with the buttoned-up, hierarchical environment and her boss, Evelyn.

The absurdity of corporate life. The author details the frustrating aspects of this job, from Evelyn's micromanagement and passive-aggressive behavior to the mundane tasks and lack of creative fulfillment. The focus on rigid rules, internal politics (stealing ideas, throwing people under the bus), and the pressure to conform felt stifling and soul-sucking.

Being fired as a liberation. Despite the embarrassment of being terminated, the author felt a sense of relief. The job was a poor fit, and being forced out allowed her to escape a situation that was making her miserable and preventing her from pursuing work that better suited her personality and talents. This experience reinforced her preference for less conventional, more creative work environments.

10. Being Yourself is the Ultimate Career Goal

Essentially, I now get paid to be myself.

From bullied for being me to paid for being me. The author's career journey, though circuitous, ultimately led to a place where her unique voice, humor, and perspective were valued and compensated. This stands in stark contrast to her childhood, where being different made her a target for bullying and insecurity.

Finding the "talent spigot". The concept of "tapping talent" became a guiding principle, representing the desire for her creative gifts to flow effortlessly into fulfilling work. This feeling was first glimpsed in small ways (the Transom, the Dewar's advertorial) and fully realized in her promo writing career at Nick at Nite, where her passion for TV and ability to write short, funny things aligned perfectly.

Redefining professional success. For the author, success isn't defined by climbing a corporate ladder or achieving traditional milestones. It's about finding work that feels like play, allows for self-expression, and provides a sense of purpose and joy. Getting paid to watch TV and write jokes, even if initially seen as a "lowest form of entertainment" by some, was her version of nirvana.

11. Starfucking: Seeking External Validation

Mostly, though, it’s about thinking certain people have an extra supply of sparkle and significance they can donate to you, like a kidney.

The allure of celebrity. The author admits to being a "star fucker," seeking validation and a sense of specialness from famous or semi-famous people. This behavior stems from a desire for external recognition, believing that if someone known by millions appreciates her, she must be special too.

The "Marty" encounter. A key anecdote involves meeting a legendary filmmaker (referred to as "Marty") in London. The author and her friends actively pursued him, hoping for a magical encounter that would open doors or reveal their hidden potential. The experience, while memorable and providing a great story, was also awkward and ultimately didn't lead to the desired career breakthroughs.

Seeking reflected glory. The starfucking behavior is framed as a search for reflected glory, hoping that proximity to fame will somehow transfer significance. The author acknowledges the absurdity of these pursuits but also the underlying human desire to be seen and validated, particularly when feeling insecure about one's own worth or achievements.

12. Tough Titties: Embracing Life's Messiness

It turns out my stubborn refusal to be a “supposed to” person has gotten me right where I’m supposed to be, and, if you ask me, the same can go for you.

Life rarely follows the plan. The author's journey is a testament to the fact that life is messy, unpredictable, and often doesn't adhere to societal expectations or personal plans. From childhood insecurities and dating struggles to career detours and self-help misadventures, her path was marked by fumbles, false starts, and unconventional choices.

Embracing imperfections. Rather than presenting a narrative of overcoming flaws to achieve perfection, the author embraces her imperfections – her lateness, her body image issues, her dating mistakes, her resistance to conformity. She argues that these very flaws, and her "stubborn refusal to be a 'supposed to' person," ultimately led her to a place of fulfillment and self-acceptance.

Finding success on your own terms. The core message is one of resilience and authenticity. Success isn't about checking all the boxes or rising "up and up and up" in a linear fashion. It's about navigating the messiness, learning from mistakes, finding joy in unexpected places, and ultimately getting paid to be yourself, even if you're sometimes "the fucking worst."

Last updated: May 21, 2025