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Unwanted

Unwanted

How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing
by Jay Stringer 2018 288 pages
4.61
2k+ ratings
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Key Takeaways

1. Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Unique Path to Healing

Sexual brokenness reveals our way to healing.

Reframing Sexual Struggles. Sexual brokenness is not a curse but an invitation to deeper understanding and transformation. Instead of viewing unwanted sexual behavior as a moral failure, the author suggests seeing it as a complex narrative that contains important messages about our emotional and psychological landscape.

Curiosity Over Condemnation. The approach to sexual healing requires a compassionate, curious perspective rather than shame or self-hatred. By carefully examining the patterns and motivations behind sexual struggles, individuals can uncover underlying emotional needs and unresolved traumas.

Redemptive Potential. Sexual brokenness can be a pathway to profound personal growth and self-understanding. The very behaviors we seek to eliminate can become powerful teachers, revealing our deepest wounds and most significant opportunities for healing.

2. Family Dynamics Profoundly Shape Sexual Development

Our unwanted sexual behavior is not random; it is a repetition of formative childhood experiences.

Relational Templates. Family systems play a crucial role in sexual development. Rigid, disengaged, or emotionally enmeshed family environments can significantly impact an individual's future sexual behaviors and relationship patterns.

Childhood Influences:

  • Parental rigidity can lead to power dynamics in sexual fantasies
  • Emotional abandonment creates vulnerability to sexual exploitation
  • Triangulation can distort healthy sexual boundaries
  • Lack of emotional attunement can drive seeking connection through sexual behavior

Generational Patterns. Sexual struggles often reflect unresolved family dynamics, with individuals unconsciously recreating familiar relational patterns through their sexual behaviors.

3. Childhood Trauma Significantly Influences Sexual Behavior

Trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body.

Trauma's Lasting Impact. Childhood experiences of abuse, neglect, or emotional harm can create deep psychological imprints that manifest in sexual behavior. Trauma is not just a historical event but a continuing influence on an individual's emotional and sexual life.

Psychological Mechanisms:

  • Trauma can create arousal patterns that repeat past experiences
  • Sexual behaviors can be attempts to process or control traumatic memories
  • Abuse can corrupt natural desires and create complex emotional responses

Healing Requires Understanding. Addressing sexual brokenness means carefully exploring and understanding the traumatic experiences that have shaped one's sexual narrative.

4. Unwanted Sexual Behavior Has Deeper Psychological Roots

Unwanted sexual behavior is not primarily about pleasure, but about unmet emotional needs.

Beyond Surface-Level Explanations. Sexual struggles are rarely about simple lust or moral failing. They represent complex psychological responses to deeper emotional challenges like futility, anger, and unmet needs.

Key Psychological Drivers:

  • Futility and lack of purpose
  • Unprocessed anger
  • Desire for control
  • Emotional escape mechanisms
  • Attempts to address unresolved relational pain

Holistic Understanding. Effective healing requires looking beyond the behavior itself to understand the underlying emotional and psychological landscape.

5. Shame Drives Sexual Struggles More Than Pleasure

Shame, not pleasure, drives pornography use.

Shame's Destructive Cycle. Shame is the primary engine of unwanted sexual behavior, creating a self-reinforcing cycle of negative self-perception and compulsive actions.

Research Insights:

  • Men were nearly 300 times more likely to pursue pornography for each unit of shame
  • Women were 546 times more likely to pursue pornographic content due to shame
  • Shame convinces individuals they are unworthy, leading to behaviors that confirm this belief

Breaking the Cycle. Healing requires confronting and dismantling shame through compassionate self-understanding and community support.

6. Community and Relationships Are Crucial for Transformation

We are wounded in relationship, and we are healed in relationship.

Relational Healing. Transformation occurs through healthy, supportive relationships that offer understanding, accountability, and empathy.

Community Characteristics:

  • Mutual participation
  • Honest and kind communication
  • Emphasis on personal growth
  • Reduced focus on behavior policing
  • Support for holistic development

Healing Dynamics. Effective community provides a safe space to explore one's story, receive support, and develop new relational patterns.

7. Healing Requires Confronting and Understanding Your Story

Your sexual struggles reveal the trafficked longings of your heart.

Narrative Exploration. True healing involves deeply understanding personal history, family dynamics, and the emotional contexts that shape sexual behavior.

Story Processing Methods:

  • Writing personal histories
  • Exploring family of origin
  • Identifying relational patterns
  • Challenging existing narratives
  • Developing compassionate self-understanding

Transformative Potential. By courageously examining one's story, individuals can transform pain into purpose and brokenness into healing.

8. Sexuality Is a Spiritual and Holistic Journey

God is not ashamed of us. He wants you to know a beauty you never could have conceived of at the height of your despair.

Spiritual Dimension. Sexuality is not merely a physical or psychological experience but a profound spiritual journey of connection, healing, and transformation.

Holistic Approach:

  • Nurturing emotional needs
  • Developing sensory awareness
  • Embracing erotic potential
  • Connecting with deeper spiritual longings
  • Pursuing personal integrity

Divine Invitation. Sexual healing is fundamentally about reconnecting with one's inherent dignity and divine design.

9. Pornography Reflects Systemic Violence Against Women

Pornography is pictures of prostitution.

Systemic Exploitation. Pornography is not merely an individual issue but reflects broader systemic violence and exploitation, particularly against women.

Troubling Statistics:

  • 88.2% of porn scenes contain aggressive acts
  • 70% of aggression is perpetrated by men against women
  • Pornography often involves racist and degrading representations

Ethical Imperative. Addressing pornography requires confronting larger societal issues of power, gender dynamics, and systemic violence.

10. True Sexual Redemption Involves Nurture, Sensuality, and Eroticism

Healing is not about eliminating desire but liberating it to pursue sexual stories that soar to new heights of glory, honor, and worship.

Comprehensive Healing. Sexual redemption goes beyond stopping unwanted behaviors to actively cultivating healthy, life-giving sexual experiences.

Transformative Elements:

  • Receiving nurture
  • Developing sensual awareness
  • Embracing erotic potential
  • Connecting with deeper relational longings
  • Pursuing holistic sexual integrity

Positive Vision. Sexual healing is about creating a new, life-affirming sexual narrative that honors individual dignity and divine design.

Last updated:

FAQ

What's Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing about?

  • Focus on Complexity: The book delves into unwanted sexual behavior, highlighting its roots in deeper emotional and relational issues rather than just lust or addiction.
  • Path to Healing: Jay Stringer offers a framework for understanding how past experiences, especially childhood trauma and family dynamics, influence sexual struggles and provides a path to healing.
  • Research and Stories: It combines research from over 3,800 individuals with personal narratives to illustrate the connections between sexual brokenness and personal history.

Why should I read Unwanted by Jay Stringer?

  • Unique Insights: The book offers groundbreaking insights into the origins of sexual brokenness, making it a valuable resource for self-understanding or helping others.
  • Holistic Approach: Stringer integrates psychological, emotional, and spiritual perspectives, providing a comprehensive view of healing beyond traditional methods.
  • Empowering Message: Readers are encouraged to see their sexual struggles as pathways to healing and deeper self-understanding.

What are the key takeaways of Unwanted?

  • Origins of Behavior: Unwanted sexual behavior often stems from childhood experiences, including trauma and dysfunctional family systems.
  • Curiosity Over Shame: Stringer advocates for approaching sexual struggles with curiosity, suggesting that understanding one’s story is crucial for healing.
  • Community Importance: The book highlights the role of community in healing, emphasizing shared experiences and support for growth and recovery.

What are the best quotes from Unwanted and what do they mean?

  • Revealing Healing Paths: “The specifics of your sexual brokenness can reveal your unique way to healing.” This suggests that understanding the details of one’s struggles can lead to personalized recovery paths.
  • Surprising Truths: “Our sexual struggles reveal the truth of our stories in ways that will constantly surprise us.” This highlights the connection between sexual behavior and personal narratives, leading to profound insights.
  • Past and Present Focus: “Your unwanted sexual behavior reveals the wounds of your past, but it also highlights the specific day-to-day experiences you will need to transform in order to find freedom.” This encapsulates the dual focus on past trauma and present experiences for overcoming sexual brokenness.

How does Unwanted define unwanted sexual behavior?

  • Persistent Behavior: It is any sexual behavior that continues despite efforts to change, such as pornography use or affairs.
  • Connection to Shame: These behaviors, if unaddressed, can lead to feelings of being unwanted in various life aspects, compounding shame and isolation.
  • Deeper Issues: Stringer emphasizes that these behaviors are linked to deeper emotional and relational issues that need exploration for healing.

How does Unwanted address the impact of family dynamics on sexual behavior?

  • Dysfunctional Systems: The book discusses how rigid and disengaged family systems contribute to unwanted sexual behavior, often involving strict or emotionally absent parents.
  • Triangulation and Enmeshment: Stringer highlights how children becoming emotional supports for parents can lead to unhealthy relational dynamics affecting adult sexual behavior.
  • Understanding for Healing: By examining family dynamics, readers can gain insights into their behaviors and begin to untangle emotional ties contributing to their struggles.

What are the six core experiences of unwanted sexual behavior mentioned in Unwanted?

  • Deprivation: Unmet emotional needs leading to fulfillment through unwanted sexual behavior.
  • Dissociation: Disconnecting from reality as a coping mechanism, increasing engagement in unwanted activities.
  • Unconscious Arousal: Past traumas and emotional histories influencing sexual arousal, leading to unhealthy fantasies.
  • Futility: A sense of futility driving escape through sexual behavior, reinforcing shame and disappointment.
  • Lust and Anger: Natural desires becoming problematic when tied to anger or resentment, leading to unhealthy expressions.

How does Unwanted suggest individuals can find healing from sexual brokenness?

  • Engage with Your Story: Explore personal histories to understand how past experiences shape current behaviors.
  • Seek Community Support: Emphasizes the importance of community in healing, suggesting shared experiences foster understanding and growth.
  • Practice Self-Compassion: Advocates for a compassionate approach to struggles, encouraging kindness in navigating the healing journey.

What role does trauma play in unwanted sexual behavior according to Unwanted?

  • Foundation of Struggles: Many unwanted sexual behaviors are rooted in unresolved childhood trauma, including emotional and sexual abuse.
  • Impact on Arousal: Trauma can distort sexual arousal, leading to experiences mirroring past traumas, resulting in cycles of shame and regret.
  • Path to Recovery: Understanding trauma's connection to sexual behavior is crucial for healing, addressing underlying issues rather than just symptoms.

How does Unwanted redefine the conversation around sexual brokenness in faith communities?

  • Shift from Shame: Challenges traditional narratives focusing on sin and shame, advocating for compassionate understanding of sexual struggles.
  • Open Dialogue: Encourages faith communities to engage in honest conversations about sexuality, trauma, and healing, creating safe sharing spaces.
  • Faith and Healing Integration: Emphasizes faith's role in healing, offering hope and support as individuals navigate recovery journeys.

How does Unwanted address the issue of pornography?

  • Cultural Context: Discusses pornography as a symptom of deeper issues like loneliness and unmet emotional needs, not just a moral failing.
  • Escalation of Consumption: Notes that individuals often start with less explicit content, seeking more degrading material over time, reflecting deeper struggles.
  • Path to Recovery: Outlines recovery steps, including understanding root causes of pornography use and seeking healthier intimacy and connection forms.

What methods does Jay Stringer suggest for healing in Unwanted?

  • Listening to Your Lust: Advises paying attention to sexual desires to understand deeper emotional needs, leading to healing.
  • Engaging in Community: Emphasizes finding supportive communities that understand sexual brokenness complexities, allowing shared experiences and growth.
  • Practicing Vulnerability: Encourages embracing vulnerability as a strength, fostering deeper connections and facilitating healing.

Review Summary

4.61 out of 5
Average of 2k+ ratings from Goodreads and Amazon.

Unwanted by Jay Stringer is praised as a transformative book on sexual brokenness. Readers appreciate its holistic approach, focusing on underlying causes rather than just behavior modification. The author's research and personal experiences lend credibility. Many find it compassionate and insightful, offering hope for healing. Some criticize its therapeutic bent and lack of focus on scripture. Overall, reviewers recommend it for those struggling with unwanted sexual behaviors, though a few caution about potential theological concerns.

Your rating:

About the Author

Jay Stringer is a licensed mental health counselor, ordained minister, and speaker specializing in unwanted sexual behavior. He conducted research with over 3,000 participants to inform his work. Stringer's approach combines clinical expertise with a Christian perspective, though he critiques traditional "purity culture" methods. He emphasizes understanding root causes of sexual issues rather than simply managing symptoms. Stringer's work aims to help individuals find healing and transformation by exploring their past experiences and current needs. His unique blend of psychological insight and spiritual understanding has made him a respected voice in addressing sexual brokenness.

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