We Are Never Meeting in Real Life.

1. Self-Deprecating Humor as a Survival Mechanism

I am a deeply troubled person.

Using humor as a shield. The author frequently employs sharp, self-deprecating humor to navigate awkward social situations, deflect potential judgment, and cope with personal insecurities. This is evident in her satirical "Bachelorette application," where she exaggerates her flaws and uses humor to comment on societal expectations for women, particularly regarding appearance and dating. Her wit serves as both a defense mechanism and a way to connect with readers who relate to feeling like an outsider.

Commentary on dating. Through humorous anecdotes about past relationships and dating attempts, she highlights the absurdity and difficulty of finding connection, especially when dealing with body image issues and physical limitations. She pokes fun at conventional dating rituals and the performative nature of seeking a partner, preferring authenticity and low-effort interactions. This comedic approach allows her to critique dating norms while simultaneously revealing her own vulnerabilities and desires for genuine connection.

Finding connection through shared misery. By openly discussing her anxieties, physical ailments, and social awkwardness with brutal honesty and humor, she creates a sense of solidarity with readers who feel similarly flawed or out of place. Her willingness to laugh at herself and the ridiculousness of life's challenges makes her relatable and endearing. This comedic voice transforms potentially heavy topics into engaging and entertaining narratives.

2. Navigating Life with Chronic Pain and Mental Illness

Do black girls even get to be depressed?

Living with physical limitations. The author is candid about her struggles with chronic pain, including arthritis, nerve palsy, and inflammatory bowel disease, which affect her mobility and daily life. She describes the physical discomfort and the social awkwardness that comes with having a body that doesn't always cooperate, particularly in dating situations or public spaces. This ongoing physical challenge is a constant backdrop to her experiences.

Mental health struggles. Alongside physical pain, she discusses her experiences with anxiety and depression, including panic attacks that mimic heart attacks and a pervasive sense of sadness. She touches on the stigma surrounding mental illness, especially within the context of being a Black woman, where there's often pressure to be resilient and hide vulnerability. Her essays explore the difficulty of seeking help and finding effective coping mechanisms.

The intersection of mind and body. The book illustrates how her physical and mental health are deeply intertwined, with anxiety exacerbating physical symptoms and chronic pain contributing to depression. She humorously recounts attempts at wellness activities like Zumba, swimming, and yoga, often highlighting the challenges posed by her body and her own resistance to conventional health advice. These experiences underscore the complex reality of managing multiple chronic conditions.

3. The Lasting Scars of Growing Up Poor

I was trying to fill this gaping hole inside me with 'stuff I couldn’t have when I was a little kid,' and I assumed that one day... the feeling would go away.

Financial anxiety and habits. Growing up in poverty left a lasting impact on the author's relationship with money, resulting in financial anxiety and impulsive spending habits despite achieving financial stability as an adult. She recounts childhood experiences like relying on WIC vouchers, using money orders, and witnessing her mother withdraw all but one dollar from a joint account during her parents' divorce. These early experiences shaped a deep-seated fear of scarcity.

Impulse buying as compensation. The author describes a tendency to spend money impulsively on non-essentials like name-brand snacks, magazines, and clothes as a way to compensate for childhood deprivation. This desire to buy things she couldn't have as a child persists into adulthood, making budgeting and saving difficult. She humorously acknowledges the irrationality of these habits while struggling to break free from them.

Lack of financial literacy. Her upbringing didn't include lessons on saving, investing, or managing credit, leading to early financial mistakes like walking away from an overdrawn bank account. She contrasts her lack of financial savvy with the perceived ease with which others manage their money. This candid discussion highlights how socioeconomic background can influence financial knowledge and behavior throughout life.

4. Processing Complicated Family Legacies and Grief

My parents have been dead for so long that it almost isn’t even sad to me anymore.

Difficult parental relationships. The author recounts a challenging childhood marked by her father's alcoholism, abusive behavior, and transient presence, as well as her mother's debilitating illness (MS). She describes chaotic living situations, including her father renting out basement rooms to winos and instances of physical violence. These experiences created a complex and often painful relationship with her parents.

Grief and detachment. Despite the difficulties, she expresses complicated feelings of love and longing, particularly regarding her mother. However, she also notes a certain detachment from the grief due to the passage of time and the chaotic nature of their lives. She reflects on the "luxury" of being spared the day-to-day deterioration of her mother's health after she returned to a nursing home.

The burden of ashes. A central narrative involves the author's struggle with the responsibility of scattering her father's ashes, a task she procrastinated on for years. The morbid and humorous account of attempting to scatter them in Nashville highlights her unconventional way of processing grief and fulfilling familial obligations. This story underscores the lingering, sometimes absurd, impact of her parents on her adult life.

5. Finding Unexpected Comfort in Stable, "Boring" Love

I’m in love and it’s boring.

Contrast with past relationships. The author contrasts her current relationship with Mavis, which she describes as stable, predictable, and "boring," with past relationships characterized by drama, unavailability, and emotional turmoil. She recounts experiences with partners who were emotionally distant, unreliable, or who made her feel undeserving of love. These past experiences created a pattern of seeking out or expecting difficult dynamics.

The unexpected nature of healthy love. She expresses surprise and even resistance to the ease and security of her relationship with Mavis. Having grown accustomed to the "agony" and "torture" of unrequited or complicated love, she initially finds the lack of drama unsettling. This highlights how past trauma can make healthy relationships feel unfamiliar or less exciting than chaotic ones.

Finding value in stability. Despite the perceived "boringness," the author acknowledges that this stable love is "easily the best thing I’ve ever felt." She finds comfort and security in Mavis's reliability, kindness, and acceptance. This realization marks a shift in her understanding of what constitutes valuable and fulfilling love, moving away from drama towards steadfast partnership.

6. Adjusting to Partnership and Blended Family Life

I am trying to adjust to living in a house where there is such a thing as a limit on 'screen time.'

Loss of single-person freedom. Moving in with her partner, Mavis, and her children represents a significant shift from the author's long-standing single-person existence. She humorously laments the loss of privacy, alone time, and the freedom to engage in her preferred habits without judgment or interruption. This includes unrestricted screen time, eating habits, and general messiness.

Navigating blended family dynamics. Becoming part of a blended family presents new challenges, particularly in interacting with children and adapting to household rules and routines centered around them. She humorously describes her lack of parenting skills, her anxiety about being a "cool aunt," and the awkwardness of navigating kid-centric social situations. This transition requires significant adjustment and compromise.

Adapting to suburban life. The move also involves adapting to living in the suburbs after years in the city. She contrasts the perceived simplicity and niceness of suburban life with her anxieties about community interaction, lack of privacy, and the terrifying proximity of nature. This geographical shift mirrors the personal shift towards a more settled, shared life.

7. Embracing the Joys of Being an Indoor Person

Wouldn’t you rather be dead than hot?

Preference for indoors. The author expresses a strong preference for staying indoors, particularly during warm weather, which she finds uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing. She humorously lists the reasons she avoids going outside, including heat, humidity, bugs, awkward social interactions, and the general unpleasantness of public spaces. Her ideal environment is temperature-controlled and free from unexpected stimuli.

Comfort in routine and objects. Her indoor life is filled with comforting routines and objects, such as watching television ("my boyfriend"), organizing her belongings (like jackets and ketchups), and reading catalogs. These activities provide a sense of control and predictability that she finds soothing. Her home is a sanctuary from the perceived chaos and discomfort of the outside world.

Critique of outdoor culture. She pokes fun at people who enthusiastically embrace outdoor activities like music festivals, picnics, and camping, often highlighting the unglamorous realities (puke puddles, bugs, uncomfortable seating). This serves as a humorous justification for her homebody tendencies and reinforces her identity as someone who finds joy and entertainment within the confines of her own space.

8. Work Life: Dealing with People, Pets, and Poop

I can translate the consistency of a dog’s stool as relayed to me by its owner into the proper medical terminology:

Working at an animal hospital. The author details her fourteen-year experience working the front desk at an animal hospital, a job she describes with a mix of exasperation and unexpected affection. Her duties involve dealing with demanding clients, managing chaotic situations, and handling the less-than-glamorous aspects of animal care (vomit, feces, anal glands). This provides a rich source of material for her observational humor.

Dealing with difficult clients. A significant part of her job involves interacting with wealthy, often entitled, pet owners who can be demanding, condescending, or oblivious. She recounts humorous anecdotes about clients asking absurd questions, complaining about costs, or displaying bizarre behavior (licking kittens, eating dog treats). Her ability to maintain composure while internally raging is a key skill developed on the job.

Finding unexpected connection. Despite the frustrations, the author finds value and even connection in her work. She develops relationships with regular clients, witnesses moving moments (euthanasia rituals), and feels a sense of purpose in helping people and their pets. The job, though often stressful and gross, provides stability and a unique perspective on human (and animal) behavior.

9. Rejecting Diet Culture and Embracing Body Acceptance

I am fat and I am mentally ill, and those two things have been intertwined since before I even knew what those words mean.

Struggles with dieting. The author openly discusses her lifelong struggles with weight and dieting, recounting various unsuccessful attempts at weight loss programs and exercise regimens. She highlights the difficulty of sticking to restrictive diets, the constant temptation of comfort food, and the societal pressure to be thin. Her experiences reflect the common frustrations and failures associated with diet culture.

Body image and self-perception. She is candid about her negative self-perception regarding her body, acknowledging feelings of shame and undeservingness. She contrasts herself with conventionally attractive people and discusses the challenges of dating and navigating a world that often devalues larger bodies. This vulnerability underscores the emotional toll of
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Last updated: May 3, 2025