When Love Is A Lie

1. Narcissists are master manipulators who thrive on chaos and control

To the pathologically weary N/P, the outside world is filled to the brim with (sigh) emotional fools that he must unfortunately tolerate…boring "love" people who always want to do the right thing.

Narcissists lack empathy. They view others as objects to be used for their own gain, not as people with feelings and needs. This fundamental lack of empathy allows them to manipulate and exploit others without remorse.

They create chaos intentionally. Narcissists thrive on keeping their partners off-balance and anxious. They may:

• Suddenly disappear without explanation (the "silent treatment")
• Make contradictory statements or change plans at the last minute
• Create drama and conflict in otherwise calm situations
• Alternate between loving behavior and cruel treatment

Control is paramount. Narcissists need to feel in control at all times. They achieve this through:

• Gaslighting - making you doubt your own perceptions and memories
• Isolating you from friends and family
• Controlling finances or other resources
• Using guilt, shame, or anger to keep you compliant

2. The narcissist's relationship agenda is to keep you unbalanced and insecure

What the narcissist does particularly well and with steadfast precision is manage down our expectations over time so that we expect less and less and he gets away with more and more.

The narcissistic cycle. Narcissists follow a predictable pattern in relationships:

1. Love bombing - showering you with attention and affection
2. Devaluation - slowly chipping away at your self-esteem
3. Discard - abruptly leaving or cheating, often returning later to restart the cycle

Keeping you off-balance. The goal is to create a state of constant anxiety and insecurity. This makes you easier to control and less likely to leave.

Intermittent reinforcement. By alternating between affection and cruelty, the narcissist creates a powerful trauma bond. You become addicted to the highs of their occasional kindness, always hoping things will return to the initial love bombing phase.

3. Recognizing the signs of narcissistic abuse is crucial for breaking free

There's a reason why women don't immediately recognize the signs – for the most part, there aren't any.

Early warning signs are subtle. Narcissists are often charming and attentive at first. Red flags may include:

• Love bombing or moving too fast in the relationship
• Lack of empathy for others
• Grandiose sense of self-importance
• Need for constant admiration
• Sense of entitlement

Abuse escalates over time. As the relationship progresses, more obvious signs emerge:

• Frequent lying and gaslighting
• Emotional manipulation and guilt-tripping
• Violating your boundaries
• Cheating or threatening to cheat
• Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
• Verbal abuse or rage outbursts

Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. Narcissists are skilled at making you doubt yourself, but your gut feelings are often correct.

4. Narcissists deliberately manage down your expectations over time

To deliberately expend more effort than needed would indicate some level of predictability and well-intention on his part and just may "up" your expectations of him. Consequently, it will never happen and you will be punished in some way for pushing it.

Gradual erosion of standards. The narcissist slowly conditions you to accept less and less in the relationship. This happens through:

• Consistently failing to keep promises or follow through on plans
• Gaslighting you when you express disappointment
• Accusing you of being "too needy" or having unrealistic expectations
• Punishing you (e.g., silent treatment) when you ask for more

The "crumbs" phenomenon. Over time, you become grateful for even the smallest bits of attention or affection. This keeps you hooked on the relationship despite chronic mistreatment.

Preventing you from leaving. By managing down your expectations, the narcissist ensures that you won't feel deserving of better treatment from a healthier partner. This makes it harder for you to leave the toxic relationship.

5. Setting and enforcing boundaries is essential in dealing with narcissists

Understand that all of this - everything you have read on these pages - can happen to you no matter how intelligent, sexy, pretty, wealthy, successful, educated, or intuitive you are.

Narcissists don't respect boundaries. They feel entitled to do whatever they want, regardless of how it affects others. This makes setting and enforcing boundaries crucial.

Identify your non-negotiables. Determine what behaviors you absolutely won't tolerate, such as:

• Verbal abuse or name-calling
• Silent treatment or stonewalling
• Cheating or flirting with others
• Violating your privacy
• Controlling your finances or social life

Enforce consequences consistently. When a boundary is crossed, follow through with a predetermined consequence every time. This might include:

• Leaving the situation immediately
• Limiting contact for a set period
• Ending the relationship if the behavior continues

Expect pushback. Narcissists will often react with anger, guilt-tripping, or love bombing when you set boundaries. Stay firm and remember that your well-being is the priority.

6. No Contact is the only effective way to escape narcissistic abuse

Going NC actually gives you the last word!

Why No Contact is necessary. Narcissists are skilled manipulators who will use any contact to try to regain control. Complete separation is the only way to break free from their influence.

Implementing No Contact:

• Block their phone number, email, and social media accounts
• Inform friends and family not to pass messages or information
• Avoid places where you might run into them
• Have a plan in place for accidental encounters

Dealing with hoovering attempts. Narcissists often try to re-establish contact after a period of silence. Common tactics include:

• Claiming to have changed or gotten help
• Manufactured emergencies
• Reaching out on significant dates (birthdays, holidays)
• Using mutual friends or family to relay messages

Stay strong. Remember that any contact, no matter how small, can reset the trauma bond and pull you back into the abusive cycle.

7. Healing from narcissistic abuse requires understanding your own vulnerabilities

Co-dependants love so deeply that they allow their boundaries to be breached over and over. They will tolerate behavior that, prior to this particular relationship, they would have never envisioned themselves tolerating.

Examine your patterns. Reflect on why you were drawn to and stayed in the narcissistic relationship. Common factors include:

• Low self-esteem or feelings of unworthiness
• Codependency or people-pleasing tendencies
• Unresolved trauma from childhood
• Fear of being alone or abandoned

Build self-awareness. Work on understanding your emotions, needs, and motivations. This can help you avoid falling into similar patterns in the future.

Seek professional help. Therapy, particularly modalities like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), can be invaluable in processing trauma and developing healthier relationship skills.

Practice self-compassion. Remember that being manipulated by a narcissist doesn't make you weak or stupid. Be kind to yourself as you heal and learn from the experience.

Last updated: August 8, 2024