Win the Inside Game

1. Survival Mode: A Threat and Self-Preservation Disorder

Choking is a threat and survival disorder.

Protective mechanisms gone awry. Survival mode isn't just about physical danger; it's a state where our brain perceives threats to our identity, self-worth, and belonging. This triggers protective mechanisms like avoidance, defensiveness, and narrowing of focus, which ultimately hinder performance and well-being.

Manifestations of survival mode:

• Anger and rage
• Burnout and exhaustion
• Loneliness and isolation
• Procrastination and anxiety
• Chronic feelings of inadequacy

The predictive brain. Our brains are constantly predicting what will happen next, and in survival mode, these predictions become skewed towards negative outcomes. This leads to a self-fulfilling prophecy, where we act in ways that confirm our fears and reinforce the cycle of survival.

2. The American Dream's Dark Side: Achievement Above All Else

The original ‘American Dream’ was not a dream of individual wealth; it was a dream of equality, justice and democracy for the nation.

Materialistic version of success. The relentless pursuit of external validation—accolades, money, status—has become the dominant narrative of the American Dream. This outcome-oriented approach often leads to burnout, anxiety, and a disconnect from intrinsic motivation.

Consequences of achievement focus:

• High dropout rates in youth sports
• Burnout and languishing in the workplace
• Increased competition and pressure
• Decline in children's well-being

Rebalancing the equation. We need to shift our focus from external achievements to internal growth, rediscovering the original meaning of the American Dream as a pursuit of well-being, moral character, and opportunity for all.

3. From "I Failed" to "I Am a Failure": The Virtue-izing of Outcomes

Failure moved from an event to a representation of our character, a label that reflected who we were.

Internalizing outcomes. Modern society has shifted from attributing failure to external factors like fate or luck to viewing it as a reflection of personal worth. This internalization of outcomes creates a fear-based mindset that hinders risk-taking and growth.

The Protestant work ethic. The belief that hard work is a virtue has led to a culture where not working is seen as a moral failing. This can create immense pressure and distress, especially when individuals are unable to meet societal expectations.

Decoupling self-worth from results. We need to separate our character from our achievements, recognizing that failure is an opportunity for learning and growth, not a reflection of our inherent value.

4. Balancing Striving and Tranquility: The Harmony of Inner Systems

Smith thinks when we’re always chasing the externals, we develop a little bit in one way, but we also often suffer because we lose sight of what’s actually going to make us happy as we’re just chasing results.

Emotional regulation systems. Affective neuroscience suggests that we have three key emotional regulation systems: threat and protect, drive and strive, and contentment and soothing. These systems need to work in harmony for optimal well-being.

The detraining of contentment. The modern world has amplified our threat and drive systems while neglecting our contentment system. We need to consciously cultivate kindness, compassion, and the ability to be okay with not pursuing or wanting.

The inside game. The key to thriving is to harmonize these three systems, finding a balance between striving for success and cultivating inner peace. This involves clarifying who we are, what matters, and where we belong.

5. From Seeking to Exploring: The Power of Dabbling and Discovery

They stay in the exploration phase for much longer than their adult brethren.

Children's natural exploration. Children are masters of exploration, dabbling in different interests and identities without fear of commitment. This broad exploration allows them to discover their passions and develop a diverse skill set.

The narrowing of focus. As we age, we tend to narrow our focus, seeking stability and security in specific roles and pursuits. While commitment is important, over-specialization can lead to rigidity and a loss of intrinsic motivation.

Reclaiming the inner child. We need to reclaim our inner child by embracing play, curiosity, and a willingness to experiment. This involves spending less time seeking and chasing and more time exploring and discovering.

6. The Peril of Cemented Identities: When Success Becomes a Trap

You get stuck and stop exploring, partially because the world around you ceases to permit you to grow.

Identity foreclosure. Cemented identities occur when we become overly attached to a particular role or pursuit, closing off other potential pathways and limiting our growth. This can lead to a crisis of meaning and a loss of well-being.

The dark side of success. Awards and recognition can inadvertently reinforce cemented identities, making it difficult for individuals to deviate from their established path. This can stifle creativity and prevent personal evolution.

Rebalancing the equation. We need to cultivate a flexible identity that allows for exploration and growth, even in the face of success. This involves diversifying our sources of meaning and purpose and avoiding the trap of defining ourselves solely by our achievements.

7. Complexity and Integration: Weaving a Coherent, Messy Story

We need to make our inner and outer worlds add up, to ensure that the story we tell ourselves aligns with our experiences.

Flattening ourselves. In an attempt to simplify the complexities of life, we often flatten ourselves and our world, reducing ourselves to two-dimensional caricatures. This provides temporary comfort but ultimately makes us fragile and disconnected.

Social and self-complexity. We need to cultivate both social and self-complexity, embracing the multifaceted nature of our identities and relationships. This involves holding multiple group identities and recognizing the distinctions among our various roles.

Integration over separation. The key to thriving is to integrate our diverse experiences and identities into a coherent narrative, finding meaning and purpose in the messiness of life. This involves accepting our contradictions, flaws, and missteps and weaving them into our story.

8. Learning How to Lose: Respecting Defeat as Part of the Journey

Winning is a by-product.

The biology of winning and losing. Winning and losing have profound effects on our biology, influencing hormone levels, brain activity, and subsequent behavior. However, it's our perception of the outcome, not the outcome itself, that matters most.

The threat of humiliation. Losing in public can be particularly damaging, as it threatens our status and sense of self-worth. This can lead to defensive behaviors and a fear of failure.

Reframing defeat. We need to reframe our view of losing, recognizing it as an opportunity for learning and growth, not a reflection of our inherent value. This involves decoupling our character from the result and recalibrating what is truly important.

9. Caring Deeply, Letting Go: The Art of Balanced Passion

The massive gain—the 10 or 20 percent—came from realizing that if you want to explore your true potential, start learning to take the shirt off.

The double-edged sword of passion. While passion is essential for achieving greatness, it can also lead to obsession and a win-at-all-costs mindset. This can result in burnout, unethical behavior, and a loss of perspective.

Obsessive vs. harmonious passion. We need to cultivate harmonious passion, which involves caring deeply about our pursuits without attaching our self-worth to the outcome. This allows us to maintain a sense of balance and perspective.

Learning to let go. The key to thriving is to learn how to detach from our pursuits, creating space between what we do and who we are. This involves setting boundaries, diversifying our sources of meaning, and cultivating a sense of inner security.

10. Crafting Your Environment: Building a Home for Your Best Self

We think the biggest motivation for the kids to do sports is that they do it with their friends and they have fun while they’re doing it and we want to keep that feeling throughout their whole career.

The power of the environment. Our surroundings play a crucial role in shaping our behavior, influencing our thoughts, feelings, and actions. We need to consciously craft our environment to support our goals and values.

Creating a home-field advantage. This involves making our spaces feel personal, inviting, and conducive to our desired roles and actions. This can be achieved through decorating, organizing, and surrounding ourselves with objects that inspire and motivate us.

Ownership vs. territoriality. We need to cultivate a sense of ownership over our environment without becoming overly protective or territorial. This involves balancing our personal needs with the needs of others and fostering a sense of community.

11. Belonging Without Fusing: Connection Through Expansion, Not Assimilation

Fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging.

The need to belong. Belonging is a fundamental human need that provides meaning, purpose, and connection. However, the desire to belong can also lead to identity fusion, where we lose our individual self in the pursuit of group acceptance.

Fitting in vs. belonging. Fitting in involves changing ourselves to meet the expectations of others, while belonging involves showing up as our authentic selves and being accepted for who we are.

Balancing individual and social self. We need to find a balance between our individual and social selves, maintaining our distinctiveness while also feeling connected to others. This involves expanding our perspectives, cultivating empathy, and challenging our own biases.

12. Realigning with Reality: From Surviving to Thriving Through Clarity

Clarity gets you out of a bad predictive rut, to see what truly matters—to get out of your own way, so you can do what you already know how to do.

The predictive doom loop. When we live in survival mode, our brains get stuck in a predictive doom loop, constantly anticipating negative outcomes and reinforcing maladaptive behaviors.

Disrupting the pattern. To break free from this cycle, we need to disrupt the pattern by changing our inputs, interfering with our experience, and overloading the system. This involves challenging our assumptions, seeking new perspectives, and taking action to realign our expectations with reality.

Embracing the journey. Ultimately, getting unstuck is about embracing the journey, accepting the messiness of life, and finding meaning in the process of growth and transformation. It's about moving from surviving to thriving by cultivating clarity, courage, and connection.

Last updated: April 19, 2025