You Have More Influence Than You Think

1. You're More Noticeable Than You Think

You are a person, not an ad, and people are wired to notice other people.

The Invisibility Cloak Illusion. People tend to underestimate how much they are observed by others. We often feel invisible, as if we're wearing an invisibility cloak, but in reality, people notice us more than we realize. This is because when we look at others, we try to hide that fact, so we rarely see evidence that we're being watched.

The Spotlight Effect. While we underestimate how much people pay attention to us in general, we overestimate how much they pay attention to our insecurities. People aren't as focused on our flaws as we think they are. This means that while we may feel like everyone is staring at our awkward cowlick, in reality, most people aren't even noticing it.

Your Presence Matters. Our presence can change how others experience something, causing them to think, feel, or act differently. Sharing an experience with someone amplifies it, whether it's pleasant or unpleasant. People are naturally curious about others and try to figure out what's going on in their heads, which can influence their own thoughts and feelings.

2. You're More Persuasive Than You Believe

People like you more than you realize, which in turn means you have more influence than you realize.

Underconfidence in Social Skills. People tend to believe they are less socially active and have less influence than their peers. This is because we compare ourselves to exemplars of sociability and influence, rather than the average person. As a result, we underestimate our own power of persuasion.

The Liking Gap. People generally like you more than you think they do. We often focus on our perceived flaws and awkward moments, but others are more likely to pick up on positive cues and form a favorable impression. Since people are more persuaded by those they like, this means you have more influence than you realize.

Relax and Be Yourself. Because we underestimate how much people like us, we brace ourselves for a fight, obsess over what to say, and pile on the facts. But in reality, people are more receptive to our messages than we think. We can often take it down a few notches and still be effective.

3. People Are Inclined to Say "Yes" More Often Than You Expect

Over and over, people are almost twice as likely to agree to the range of things my participants ask for in these studies as they expect.

Underestimating Compliance. People consistently underestimate how many others will agree to their requests. This holds true for various requests, from filling out questionnaires to donating to charity. This undue pessimism can prevent us from asking for things that would make our lives easier or better.

The Power of Asking. The simple act of asking can be surprisingly effective. People are often willing to go out of their way to help, even if it means walking a stranger three city blocks. This is because people want to feel helpful and make a positive impact.

Beyond Small Requests. This effect extends to larger requests as well. People underestimate how much others are willing to donate to their cause or how much effort they'll put into fulfilling a request. This is because we tend to focus on the costs of complying, while overlooking the many reasons people have for saying "yes."

4. It's Harder to Say "No" Than You Realize

We regularly make better, less awkward impressions on other people than we think we do.

The Power of Politeness. People often agree to requests to avoid awkwardness and embarrassment. Saying "no" can threaten the "face" of the person asking, implying that they are untrustworthy or making an unreasonable request. To avoid this, people often say "yes" even when they'd rather not.

The In-Person Advantage. It's much harder to say "no" to someone in person than over email or the phone. This is because refusing someone face-to-face is more direct and potentially embarrassing. As a result, showing up in person can be a surprisingly effective influence tactic.

The Illusion of Courage. We tend to underestimate how difficult it is for others to say "no" to us. We assume that people will feel comfortable rejecting our requests if they're not interested, but in reality, they may feel pressured to comply to avoid awkwardness or embarrassment. This can lead us to overestimate how likely we are to be rejected.

5. Power Blinds You to Your Own Influence

A powerful person’s whisper sounds more like a shout.

Reduced Perspective-Taking. People in positions of power tend to make less of an effort to take other people's perspectives. This is because they are less dependent on others and don't need to understand their thoughts and feelings as much. As a result, they may be oblivious to the impact of their words and actions on others.

The Freedom to Act. Power reduces the "press of the situation," meaning that people with power feel freer to do what they want, rather than what the situation calls for or what others want them to do. This can lead them to disregard social norms and be less worried about how they look to others.

The Illusion of Choice. People in positions of power often assume that others are free to do what they want, even when they are not. They may see their suggestions as optional, even though those suggestions feel like commands to people with less power. This can lead to abuses of power and a failure to recognize the coercive nature of their influence.

6. See, Feel, and Experience Your Influence

If you don’t have anything to say, it’s okay to stay silent.

Get Out of Your Own Head. To see the impact of your actions on others, you need to get out of your own head and recognize the role you play in creating the situations you are in. This involves visualizing interactions from a third-party perspective and considering the broader context in which events are unfolding.

Get Perspective, Not Take Perspective. To truly understand how others are impacted by you, you need to get inside their heads and feel what they feel. This involves gathering additional information about their actual thoughts and feelings, rather than relying on your own assumptions. The most effective way to do this is to simply ask.

Experience Your Influence. While experience can be a powerful tool for understanding your influence, it's important to be aware of its limitations. Negative experiences tend to loom larger than positive ones, and any one experience can never be broad enough in scope to offer a complete understanding of your influence.

7. Use Your Influence Wisely

Once you are aware of the influence you have, you may indeed decide to go forth and boldly use this newly discovered influence.

Recognize Your Responsibility. The goal of this book isn't just to help you gain influence, but to make you more aware of the influence you already have but don't realize. Once you are aware of this influence, you may decide to use it more boldly, or you may decide to take a step back and use it less.

Be Mindful of Your Impact. The key is to use your influence more mindfully. This means being more emboldened to exercise your influence when it makes sense to do so, while also taking greater responsibility for the influence you may at times wield in ways you don't intend or may not even be aware.

Make Your Influence Count. If the things we say and do have the potential to reverberate in other people's heads the way they do in ours, we should try to make those things count. This means using our influence to advocate for what we need and what we believe in, while also being mindful of the potential consequences of our words and actions.

Last updated: February 25, 2025