A Woman's Influence

1. Men often operate from fear, not love.

Men operate from fear.

Root cause of behavior. Many male behaviors, from joining gangs or fraternities to getting tattoos, stem from underlying fears like fear of being seen as uncool, soft, or left out. This fear-based operation contrasts with operating from love, which leads to healthier outcomes. The author shares personal examples:

• Joining a fraternity out of fear of being ostracized.
• Getting tattoos to look tough or attractive to women.

Denial and confrontation. Men often deny this truth due to ego and fear of confrontation, both internally and externally. Confronting this inner truth is painful as it requires change, but it's necessary for personal growth and unlocking potential for peace and prosperity. The author recounts trying to discuss this with men, sometimes leading to anger or tears, highlighting the difficulty of this self-confrontation.

Societal impact. This fear-based operation extends to societal structures, contributing to issues like sexism and misogyny. Men, fearing loss of control or perceived inferiority, suppress women's wisdom and capabilities. Recognizing and addressing this fear is crucial for men to evolve and for society to progress towards equality and mutual respect.

2. A woman's true power lies in her influence, not societal power structures.

A woman is the most influential being on the face of the earth.

Influence vs. Power. While men have historically held positions of power (presidents, CEOs), women possess immense influence, often behind the scenes. This influence shapes decisions and outcomes, from the White House to individual homes. The author credits his own success to his wife's influence, guiding his career and preventing mistakes.

Biblical examples. The Bible illustrates women's influence:

• Eve influenced Adam to disobey God, changing the course of humanity.
• Delilah influenced Samson to reveal the source of his strength, leading to his capture.
• Esther used her influence with King Xerxes to save her people.

Shaping the world. A woman's influence, whether used for good or ill, profoundly impacts her surroundings, her children, and her partner. Men must recognize and respect this inherent influence, channeling it positively by loving women in a way that encourages beneficial outcomes for all.

3. Knowing your worth is essential for setting standards and attracting respect.

If you don’t know your worth, no one will tell you what you’re worth.

Self-valuation. A woman's worth is inherent, not determined by external factors like appearance, past relationships, or education. However, if a woman doesn't recognize her own value, others, particularly men with ill intentions, will attempt to devalue her to gain control or advantage. This happens in relationships, job interviews, and other life arenas.

Setting standards. Knowing your worth empowers you to set clear standards and boundaries in relationships, refusing to compromise on core values. This includes valuing your mind and heart over just your body, especially regarding sex. The author's wife exemplified this by making him work for her heart, which earned his respect and ultimately led to love.

Willingness to walk away. True self-worth means being willing to walk away from situations or people who do not meet your standards or value you. Staying in toxic relationships out of fear (like fear of being alone) leads to desperation, resentment, and losing oneself. Recognizing your value attracts partners who are ready and willing to meet you at your worth.

4. Many men are "grown boys" until challenged to mature by a strong woman.

In my humble opinion, every man is a grown boy until he meets the right woman.

Defining "Grown Boy". A "grown boy" is an adult male who lacks maturity, responsibility, and selflessness. This behavior often stems from being overly catered to or "mothered" by women during upbringing, leading to a desire for a partner who replicates that dynamic without the boundaries of a healthy relationship. They seek pleasure without the pain of discipline and commitment.

Impact of upbringing. Single mothers, often out of instinctual nurturing, can inadvertently treat sons like surrogate partners, fostering dependence. While women are naturally more mature due to life's demands (menstruation, childbirth), men must consciously learn responsibility. The author describes teaching his sons self-sufficiency to counter this tendency.

Catalyst for change. Meeting a woman who refuses to enable "grown boy" behavior forces a man to confront his immaturity. A strong woman sets boundaries and demands accountability, presenting a choice: step up and mature or be left behind. This challenge, though difficult, is a necessary rite of passage for a man to tap into his potential for selfless love and become a "grown man."

5. Men's "poker face" hides vulnerability; women must see past it and demand authenticity.

The fear of falling in love makes a man put up a guard and wear a poker face.

Emotional Conditioning. Men are often conditioned from a young age to suppress emotions and vulnerability, viewing them as weaknesses. This leads to developing a "poker face" – appearing tough and unfeeling, even when experiencing deep emotions. This behavior is a defense mechanism, often rooted in fear of being hurt or losing control.

Relationship Dynamics. This emotional guardedness creates challenges in relationships. Women struggle to understand men's true feelings, leading to confusion and insecurity. Men may use this poker face to manipulate situations, causing women to question their own perceptions or "fold" in disagreements, even when they are right.

Demanding Authenticity. Women must recognize the poker face as a defense mechanism, not a lack of feeling. Instead of trying to "read his mind," women should stand their ground, communicate clearly, and demand authenticity. A man who is ready for real love will eventually lower his guard and become vulnerable, understanding that vulnerability in love is a strength, not a weakness.

6. Setting boundaries, like the "72-Hour Rule," can be a powerful catalyst for change.

The power of total silence is so real because it’s very hard for anyone to carry through on, especially a woman.

Strategic Disengagement. The "72-Hour Rule" is a period of complete silence and separation initiated after a major, deal-breaking offense. It's not a mind game or for every argument, but a serious boundary to force reflection and demonstrate the severity of the situation. The author's wife used this after he returned to selling drugs, leaving for three days without contact.

Forcing Self-Confrontation. This silence removes the possibility of immediate reconciliation or manipulation, forcing the offending party to confront their actions and their potential consequences alone. The author describes the intense emotional turmoil and self-reflection he experienced during his wife's absence, leading to a realization of his immaturity and misplaced priorities.

Demonstrating Seriousness. For the person setting the boundary, it requires immense strength and willingness to accept any outcome, including the end of the relationship. This unwavering stance communicates self-worth and seriousness, often serving as a wake-up call for the partner. It allows both individuals space to evaluate the relationship's viability and what changes are necessary for it to move forward healthily.

7. "Break up to make up" cycles are toxic and erode respect and self-worth.

If you keep breaking up and calling it a “break,” your relationship loses all momentum and you have to keep starting over every time you get back together.

The Cycle of Dysfunction. Off-and-on relationships, characterized by repeated breakups and reconciliations, are often rooted in one or both partners exhibiting "grown boy" behavior (lying, cheating, abuse) and the other enabling it due to insecurity or desperation. The offender learns they can push boundaries and still be taken back, reinforcing negative behavior.

Erosion of Respect. Each cycle deepens soul ties and makes leaving harder, while simultaneously eroding mutual respect. The offender loses respect for the partner who keeps returning, and the partner loses self-respect for tolerating mistreatment. The relationship becomes a "situationship" based on convenience or addiction, not genuine love or commitment.

Breaking the Pattern. Ending this cycle requires recognizing it as toxic and choosing self-preservation over the comfort of a familiar, albeit damaging, dynamic. It means leaving with the intention of staying gone, not just to be chased. While forgiveness and second chances are possible, repeatedly returning to the same harmful pattern indicates a lack of genuine change and a need to prioritize one's own well-being.

8. Show, don't just tell: Lead by example in communication and love.

By her not yelling and cursing at me, it’s kept my respect for her intact.

Action over Words. Men, by nature, often respond more effectively to actions than to words, especially in conflict. Yelling, cursing, or nagging is often perceived as disrespectful and can lead to resentment or passive retaliation (like cheating) rather than behavioral change. The author learned this from his wife, who remained calm and set boundaries without resorting to verbal attacks.

Leading by Example. Demonstrating desired behavior is a powerful form of influence. If you want respect, show respect. If you want kindness, be kind. The author's wife taught him how to communicate respectfully by doing so herself, even when he was yelling. This poise and dignity earned his respect and encouraged him to change his own communication style.

Mutual Effort. This principle applies to expressing love as well. Instead of complaining about a partner's lack of affection or attention, show them how you like to be loved. The author describes initiating physical touch, which encouraged his less-touchy wife to reciprocate. Leading by example fosters mutual effort and helps partners understand and meet each other's needs more effectively.

9. Establish clear rules of engagement in dating and relationships.

If you don’t know your value, a man will give you what you’ll accept.

Dating with Intention. Modern dating is often messy, with sex occurring too early, diminishing the incentive for men to pursue and commit. Women must understand their value and set clear standards from the outset. A man who is serious will be willing to work for a woman's heart and respect her boundaries, including waiting for sex.

Setting Standards, Not Preferences. Focus on non-negotiable standards rooted in morals and values (faithfulness, respect, honesty) rather than superficial preferences (income, looks). Communicate these standards clearly and early. A man's willingness to respect these boundaries is a key indicator of his readiness for a committed relationship.

The Path to Commitment. The author suggests a timeline: dating should involve consistent communication and regular dates, focusing on getting to know each other deeply. Engagement, ideally within 1-2 years, should be a period of deeper connection and preparation for marriage, not a "test drive" involving cohabitation or premarital sex. Marriage, within three years, should be the culmination of a relationship built on love, respect, and mutual commitment.

10. Trust and freedom are built on confidence, not control or insecurity.

In this relationship that I learned a relationship should feel like freedom—not captivity.

Insecurity's Destructive Nature. Trust issues often stem from personal insecurities, past hurts, or guilt from one's own past actions. This leads to controlling behavior, constant accusations, and a lack of freedom in the relationship, pushing the partner away. The author shares a story of a woman who sabotaged a good relationship due to her unfounded jealousy and insecurity.

Confidence Fosters Trust. A strong sense of self-worth and confidence allows individuals to trust their partners until given a reason not to. The author highlights his wife's radiant confidence, which prevents her from being overly jealous or controlling, even when he travels. This trust empowers him and strengthens their bond.

Freedom within Commitment. A healthy relationship provides freedom – not to cheat, but to maintain individual lives, friendships, and personal space without constant scrutiny. This freedom, built on mutual trust and respect, makes the relationship feel like a partnership rather than a prison sentence, fostering peace and security for both individuals.

11. Sex is a "plus," not the foundation of true, lasting love.

Sex is a plus—not a priority.

Beyond Physical Pleasure. Society often overvalues sex, equating it with lovemaking or making it the primary measure of a relationship's success. However, sex is primarily an expression of lust and a chemical release, not the essence of deep, enduring love. True love is built on communication, quality time, shared experiences, and mutual presence.

Love Endures, Lust Fades. Physical attraction and lust can be fleeting, changing with time, circumstances (like illness or childbirth), and age. If a relationship's foundation is primarily sexual chemistry, it is vulnerable to falling apart when physical changes occur or life presents challenges that impact intimacy.

The Cherry on Top. In a relationship built on true, selfless, sacrificial love, sex becomes the "cherry on top" – a wonderful addition that enhances the connection, but not the core ingredient. The deepest pleasure comes from the presence and love of the partner, making the physical act a natural extension of that bond, rather than the sole focus or requirement.

12. Unrealistic expectations turn women into "maids"; mutual effort and respect are key.

A woman isn’t a maid.

Societal Burden. Traditional gender roles and the expectation that women should handle all household chores, childcare, and emotional labor are unrealistic and unfair, especially in modern society where many women also work outside the home. This burden can turn women into exhausted "service workers" within their own homes, leading to resentment and burnout.

Mutual Responsibility. A healthy relationship requires mutual effort and shared responsibility. Men must recognize their partners as equals, not domestic staff. This means actively participating in household tasks, childcare, and supporting their partner's well-being. The author shares how he and his wife divide responsibilities and invest in services (like cleaning) to alleviate her burden.

Prioritizing Well-being. Recognizing a woman's limitations and prioritizing her peace and sanity is crucial. This involves open communication about expectations, finding practical solutions (like shared chores or hired help), and ensuring she has time for self-care. When both partners contribute and respect each other's efforts, the relationship flourishes, and the woman's influence remains strong because she is not depleted by unrealistic demands.

Last updated: May 4, 2025