Ace

1. Asexuality Exists on a Spectrum, Challenging Traditional Sexual Orientation Models

There is no one asexual (or ace) story and no book can capture all of ace experience.

Beyond the Binary. Asexuality isn't a monolithic identity but a spectrum, ranging from sex-repulsed to sex-favorable, and including gray-asexual and demisexual experiences. This challenges the traditional Kinsey scale, which fails to account for those who don't experience sexual attraction.

Definitions are limiting. The ace spectrum includes gray-A's, who experience attraction rarely or weakly, and demisexuals, who require an emotional bond before sexual attraction. These nuances highlight the limitations of simple definitions and the need for more inclusive language.

• Asexuality is not an "internet orientation" but has existed for decades.
• The internet has facilitated discussions at a scale and volume that had not been possible before.

Fluidity and inclusivity. The ace community embraces complexity, allowing individuals to identify how they wish and for their sexualities to change and overlap. This fluid, inclusive definition blurs the lines between ace and allo, strengthening the movement's message.

2. Compulsory Sexuality Shapes Societal Expectations and Individual Experiences

Compulsory sexuality is a set of assumptions and behaviors that support the idea that every normal person is sexual, that not wanting (socially approved) sex is unnatural and wrong, and that people who don’t care about sexuality are missing out on an utterly necessary experience.

The pressure to conform. Compulsory sexuality, like compulsory heterosexuality, is a system of societal expectations that assumes everyone should be sexual. This pressure can lead aces to feel broken, passionless, or abnormal.

Manifestations of compulsory sexuality:

• Fear of a sexless population
• The "sex myth" that sex is the ultimate source of pleasure
• The commodification of sex, where having and flaunting sex becomes a form of conspicuous consumption

Internalized pressure. Even in religious environments that emphasize abstinence, compulsory sexuality can manifest as the belief that everyone struggles against sexual temptation. This can lead aces to invent struggles where none exist.

3. Aces Navigate a World Designed for Allo Experiences

Sexuality as allos experience it was completely foreign to me, and realizing this in my midtwenties recast much of my life.

The "energy" that others detect. Aces often wonder about the "energy" that allos seem to detect, experience, and express, but that they do not. This can lead to feelings of exclusion and a sense of living in a foreign culture.

Misunderstandings and assumptions. Allos often conflate sexual attraction with other types of attraction, such as aesthetic or romantic attraction. This can lead to misunderstandings and invalidate ace experiences.

• Sexual attraction is not sex drive.
• Sexual attraction is not physical arousal.

The Naked Attraction experiment. Watching the show "Naked Attraction" can provide a glimpse into the ace experience, where bodies are stripped of personality and sexual attraction is absent. This can help allos understand the ace perspective.

4. Race, Gender, and Disability Intersect with Asexuality, Creating Unique Challenges

Racial oppression is difficult to separate from class oppression and from gender-based or sexual oppression because they are experienced simultaneously and “the synthesis of these oppressions creates the conditions of our lives,” resulting in, for example, “racial–sexual oppression which is neither solely racial nor solely sexual.”

The whiteness of the ace community. The ace community is disproportionately white, reflecting broader power dynamics and the association of asexuality with white "purity." This can make it difficult for aces of color to find representation and feel welcome.

Stereotypes and expectations. Aces of color face unique challenges due to intersecting stereotypes about race and sexuality. Asian women may be desexualized, while Black women may be hypersexualized, making it difficult to claim an ace identity.

• Control of sexuality is a classic tool of domination.
• The project of self-knowledge is complicated by both racial stereotypes and our desire not to be controlled by these stereotypes.

Internalized oppression. Aces of color may struggle with internalized racism and question whether their asexuality is a reaction against stereotypes. Finding representation and support within the ace community is crucial for navigating these challenges.

5. Redefining Romance and Relationships Beyond Sexual Attraction

Breaking the link between aesthetic and romantic and sexual attraction makes it possible to understand each type on its own terms instead of mistaking one for the other.

Romantic attraction without sex. Aces can experience romantic attraction without sexual attraction, challenging the assumption that sex is necessary for romantic love. This requires redefining romance and exploring new ways to express intimacy.

The limitations of language. The English language lacks precise vocabulary for describing nonsexual forms of intimacy, leading to confusion and misinterpretations. New terms like "queerplatonic partnership" are emerging to fill this gap.

• Sexual attraction is not necessary for romantic love.
• The world is not a binary of aces and allos.

Challenging the hierarchy of relationships. Western culture often prioritizes romantic relationships over friendships and other forms of connection. Aces challenge this hierarchy, emphasizing the value of all types of relationships.

6. Consent and Asexuality: Navigating Desire and Autonomy

If someone cannot say no, any yes that is given is meaningless.

The good-enough reason. Compulsory sexuality can lead aces to feel pressured to have sex, even when they don't want to. This can result in a compromised "yes," where consent is given out of obligation rather than desire.

Hermeneutical injustice. Aces may experience hermeneutical injustice, lacking the language and concepts to understand and articulate their experiences of coercion. This can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and anger.

• The "No means no" and "yes means yes" models of consent are inadequate.
• The ace perspective on consent must be a universal concern.

Rethinking consent. A more nuanced understanding of consent recognizes that it is a shifting process, not a one-time decision. This requires paying attention to nonverbal cues, building trust, and respecting the right to say no at any time.

7. Building a More Inclusive World: The Power of Ace Activism and Representation

If there were no compulsory sexuality, aces would not need a community for support.

The goals of ace activism. The ace movement seeks to dismantle compulsory sexuality and create a world where all forms of sexual expression (or lack thereof) are respected. This includes fighting for legal protections, promoting positive representation, and challenging harmful stereotypes.

The importance of visibility. Increased visibility of ace characters in media can help others recognize their own asexuality and feel less alone. However, representation must be diverse and avoid perpetuating harmful stereotypes.

• The ace movement grew out of opposition to the idea that sexuality must be a cornerstone of both identity and existence.
• The ace movement is a way of living that simply refuses to care about personal sexuality.

The need for intersectionality. Ace activism must be intersectional, addressing the unique challenges faced by aces of color, disabled aces, and other marginalized groups. This requires creating safe spaces and amplifying diverse voices.

8. The Nuances of Attraction: Aesthetic, Romantic, and Sensual

Sexuality is more than sexual orientation, and attraction is more than sexual attraction, yet humans can act as though sexual interest is the only reason we find ourselves compelled by others.

Beyond sexual attraction. Asexuality highlights the importance of distinguishing between different types of attraction, such as aesthetic, romantic, sensual, emotional, and intellectual. This allows for a more nuanced understanding of human connection.

Aesthetic attraction. Finding someone beautiful without that beauty being a sexual motivator.
Romantic attraction. The feeling of being romantically interested in or having a crush on someone.
Sensual attraction. The desire for physical touch, such as cuddling or holding hands, without sexual intent.

Deconstructing desire. By breaking down attraction into its component parts, aces challenge the assumption that sexual attraction is the primary or only reason for forming relationships. This opens up new possibilities for connection and intimacy.

9. Challenging the Sex-Positive Narrative: A Call for Sexual Choice

It is not necessary to follow in the exact steps of MacKinnon and Dworkin—I do not share their views on porn or BDSM or sex work—but their more critical attitude toward sex is worth revisiting.

The limitations of sex positivity. While sex-positive feminism has done important work in promoting sexual liberation, it can also create pressure to conform to certain ideals of female sexuality. This can lead to the marginalization of those who don't enjoy or prioritize sex.

The importance of sexual choice. True sexual liberation means having the freedom to choose whether or not to engage in sex, without judgment or pressure. This requires challenging the assumption that sex is always good and necessary.

• Transgressive personal sexuality shouldn’t be the price of entry to radical spaces.
• Sexual liberation shouldn’t be the sum of women’s liberation.

A sex-critical perspective. A sex-critical perspective acknowledges both the potential for pleasure and the potential for harm in sexual encounters. This requires a nuanced understanding of power dynamics, consent, and the social construction of sexuality.

10. The Invisibility of Asexuality: Erasing Ace Experiences

The label of asexual should be value neutral. It should indicate little more than sexual orientation. Instead, asexual implies a slew of other, negative associations: passionless, uptight, boring, robotic, cold, prude, frigid, lacking, broken.

The power of language. The lack of language to describe asexual experiences can lead to feelings of isolation and invalidation. Creating a shared vocabulary is crucial for making asexuality visible and understood.

Stereotypes and misconceptions. Asexuality is often misunderstood as a medical condition, a mental illness, or a sign of repression. These stereotypes can lead to discrimination and make it difficult for aces to be taken seriously.

• The world is big and complicated and the amount of compulsory sexuality, and the way it is expressed, changes according to context.
• Sex is associated with impurity and sin, and celibacy is required for some members of the clergy.

The need for recognition. Aces are not asking for special treatment, but for basic recognition and respect. This includes challenging the assumption that everyone is sexual and creating space for diverse experiences of attraction and intimacy.

Last updated: April 10, 2025