Authentic Happiness

1. Positive emotions broaden our perspective and build lasting resources

Positive emotion emanating from a child is a neon sign that identifies a winning situation for the child and the parents alike.

Evolutionary purpose. Positive emotions serve a crucial evolutionary function. Unlike negative emotions, which narrow our focus to deal with immediate threats, positive emotions broaden our awareness and encourage exploration. This expanded perspective allows us to build lasting personal resources - intellectual, social, and physical.

The broaden-and-build theory. Barbara Fredrickson's research shows that positive emotions:

• Enhance creativity and problem-solving
• Improve relationships and social connections
• Build resilience and coping skills
• Contribute to better physical health

Upward spiral. Experiencing positive emotions leads to more positive experiences, creating an upward spiral of well-being. This cycle reinforces itself, making it easier to experience positive emotions in the future and building long-term emotional resources.

2. Happiness has a genetic set point, but we can influence it

H=S+C+V

Happiness formula. Seligman proposes that our enduring level of happiness (H) is determined by:

• Set range (S): Our genetic predisposition, accounting for about 50% of happiness
• Circumstances (C): External factors like wealth, health, and relationships, contributing about 10%
• Voluntary activities (V): Actions we choose to take, accounting for about 40%

Hedonic adaptation. We quickly adapt to changes in our circumstances, both good and bad. This explains why major life events often have less long-term impact on happiness than we expect.

Strategies for lasting change. To increase happiness beyond our set range:

• Focus on voluntary activities that align with our values and strengths
• Engage in practices that combat hedonic adaptation, like savoring and gratitude
• Cultivate meaningful relationships and pursue personal growth

3. Gratitude and forgiveness enhance satisfaction with the past

By amplifying good memories about the past: their intensity, their frequency, and the tag lines the memories have.

Reframing the past. Our satisfaction with the past is determined by how we interpret our memories, not by the events themselves. Gratitude and forgiveness are powerful tools for reframing our past experiences positively.

Gratitude practices:

• Keep a gratitude journal
• Write a letter of thanks to someone who influenced you positively
• Share three good things that happened each day with a partner

Forgiveness strategies:

• Practice empathy for the offender
• Recognize the personal benefits of forgiving
• Use the REACH model: Recall, Empathize, Altruistic gift, Commit, Hold onto forgiveness

By cultivating gratitude and forgiveness, we can transform bitter memories into sources of strength and wisdom, increasing our overall life satisfaction.

4. Optimism and hope fuel happiness about the future

People who make universal explanations for their failures give up on everything when a failure strikes in one area. People who make specific explanations may become helpless in that one part of their lives, yet march stalwartly on in the others.

Explanatory style. Our happiness about the future is largely influenced by our explanatory style - how we interpret good and bad events. Optimists tend to see negative events as temporary, specific, and external, while pessimists see them as permanent, pervasive, and personal.

Benefits of optimism:

• Better physical and mental health
• Greater resilience in face of adversity
• Higher achievement in work and academics
• Improved relationships

Learned optimism. Optimism can be cultivated through techniques like:

• Disputing negative thoughts
• Considering alternative explanations for events
• Focusing on changeable aspects of situations
• Practicing future-minded thinking and goal-setting

By developing a more optimistic outlook, we can increase our happiness about the future and improve our ability to cope with challenges.

5. Flow experiences create happiness in the present

Flow cannot be sustained through an entire eight-hour workday; rather, under the best of circumstances, flow visits you for a few minutes on several occasions.

Characteristics of flow. Flow is a state of complete absorption in an activity, characterized by:

• Clear goals and immediate feedback
• Balance between challenge and skill
• Loss of self-consciousness
• Distorted sense of time
• Intrinsic reward

Benefits of flow:

• Increased productivity and creativity
• Enhanced learning and skill development
• Greater sense of fulfillment and life satisfaction
• Improved mental health and well-being

Cultivating flow. To experience more flow in daily life:

• Identify activities that naturally engage you
• Set clear goals and seek immediate feedback
• Gradually increase the challenge as your skills improve
• Minimize distractions and create a conducive environment
• Focus on the process, not just the outcome

By intentionally seeking out and creating more flow experiences, we can increase our happiness in the present moment and lead more fulfilling lives.

6. Identify and use your signature strengths daily

Using your signature strengths every day in the main realms of your life to bring abundant gratification and authentic happiness.

VIA Character Strengths. The Values in Action (VIA) Classification identifies 24 universal character strengths organized under six virtues: wisdom, courage, humanity, justice, temperance, and transcendence.

Signature strengths. These are your top 5-7 character strengths that feel most authentic and energizing to you. They are:

• Essential to who you are
• Energizing when used
• Easy to learn and apply
• Frequently used across different contexts

Benefits of using signature strengths:

• Increased happiness and life satisfaction
• Better work performance and engagement
• Improved relationships
• Enhanced ability to cope with stress and adversity

To leverage your signature strengths:

1. Take the VIA Character Strengths Survey
2. Identify ways to use your top strengths more often in work, relationships, and leisure
3. Craft your job or daily activities to align with your strengths
4. Share your strengths with others and seek opportunities for strength-based collaboration

7. Create more gratifications, not just pleasures, in life

A calling is the most satisfying form of work because, as a gratification, it is done for its own sake rather than for the material benefits it brings.

Pleasures vs. Gratifications. Seligman distinguishes between two types of positive experiences:

• Pleasures: Sensory and emotional delights (e.g., eating, relaxing)
• Gratifications: Engaging activities that create flow (e.g., sports, hobbies)

Characteristics of gratifications:

• Require effort and skill
• Create a sense of accomplishment
• Often involve serving a greater purpose
• Lead to personal growth and development

Strategies for increasing gratifications:

• Identify activities that challenge and engage you
• Set goals that align with your values and strengths
• Seek opportunities for meaningful service or contribution
• Cultivate relationships that support your personal growth
• Transform routine tasks into opportunities for flow

By prioritizing gratifications over mere pleasures, we can create a more fulfilling and meaningful life, leading to lasting happiness and personal growth.

8. Nurture positive emotions and strengths in children

Evolution has seen to it that when young organisms are safe, they feel positive emotion, and they will reach outward and broaden their resources by exploring and playing.

Importance of positive emotions. Positive emotions in children are crucial for:

• Encouraging exploration and learning
• Building resilience and coping skills
• Developing social connections
• Fostering creativity and problem-solving abilities

Strategies for nurturing positive emotions:

• Create a safe and supportive environment
• Encourage play and exploration
• Model positive emotional expression
• Praise effort and specific actions, not just outcomes
• Help children identify and label their emotions

Cultivating character strengths. To help children develop their strengths:

• Observe and appreciate their natural inclinations
• Provide opportunities to practice and develop various strengths
• Help them identify their signature strengths
• Encourage the use of strengths in facing challenges
• Celebrate when they use their strengths effectively

By focusing on positive emotions and strengths, we can help children build the resources they need for lifelong well-being and success.

9. Secure attachment and synchrony games build resilience in kids

The key to disputing your own pessimistic thoughts is to first recognize them and then to treat them as if they were uttered by an external person, a rival whose mission in life was to make you miserable.

Secure attachment. A strong, loving bond between parent and child provides:

• A sense of safety and security
• Confidence to explore the world
• Better emotional regulation
• Improved social skills and relationships

Synchrony games. These are simple, reciprocal interactions that teach children their actions matter. Benefits include:

• Enhanced sense of agency and control
• Improved cognitive development
• Stronger parent-child bond
• Better communication skills

Examples of synchrony games:

• Peek-a-boo
• Mimicking facial expressions
• Call-and-response songs
• Turn-taking games

By fostering secure attachment and playing synchrony games, parents can help build their children's resilience, self-esteem, and ability to form healthy relationships throughout life.

10. Praise effort and specific actions, not just outcomes

Unconditional positive regard means paying affectionate attention regardless of how good or bad the behavior is.

Benefits of effective praise:

• Builds intrinsic motivation
• Encourages perseverance
• Fosters a growth mindset
• Improves self-esteem and confidence

Guidelines for effective praise:

• Be specific about what you're praising
• Focus on effort, strategies, and progress
• Avoid comparisons to others
• Be sincere and genuine
• Use a warm, encouraging tone

Examples:

• Instead of "You're so smart!" try "I'm impressed by how hard you worked on that problem."
• Rather than "Good job!" say "I noticed how you kept trying different approaches until you found one that worked."

By praising effort and specific actions, we help children develop resilience, a love of learning, and the confidence to tackle new challenges.

11. Combat sibling rivalry by highlighting each child's unique strengths

Each child wants to feel important, trusted, and irreplaceably special. When any of these wants is threatened, rivalry takes root easily.

Causes of sibling rivalry:

• Competition for parental attention and resources
• Feelings of favoritism or unfairness
• Differences in age, abilities, or temperament

Strategies to reduce rivalry:

• Recognize and appreciate each child's unique qualities
• Avoid comparisons between siblings
• Spend one-on-one time with each child
• Encourage cooperation rather than competition
• Teach conflict resolution skills

Strength-based approach:

• Help each child identify their signature strengths
• Create opportunities for each child to showcase their strengths
• Assign household responsibilities based on individual strengths
• Celebrate each child's unique contributions to the family

By focusing on each child's unique strengths and contributions, parents can foster a sense of individual worth and reduce competition between siblings, creating a more harmonious family dynamic.

Last updated: October 17, 2024