Boys & Sex

1. Boys face pressure to conform to traditional masculinity

"Although girls struggled to find the magic middle ground between 'prude' and 'slut,' boys were pushed to be as sexually active as possible, to knock out their firsts regardless of the circumstances or how they felt about their partners."

Toxic masculinity persists. Despite progress in gender equality, boys still face intense pressure to conform to traditional ideals of masculinity. This includes expectations to be emotionally stoic, physically tough, sexually aggressive, and dominant over women.

Emotional suppression is harmful. Boys learn from an early age to hide vulnerability and suppress emotions other than anger. This stunts their emotional development and ability to form close relationships. Many boys reported feeling unable to cry or express sadness, even in private.

Sexual conquest is prioritized. There is strong pressure for boys to be sexually active and treat sex as a conquest rather than an intimate experience. Virgin-shaming is common, pushing boys to have sex before they feel ready. Status among male peers is often tied to sexual experience and "body counts."

2. Porn shapes boys' sexual expectations and behaviors

"Porn is the only realm where sex between two men is consistently represented, practiced, and validated."

Easy access from a young age. Most boys are exposed to porn by age 13, often before any real-world sexual experience. With smartphones, they have instant access to an endless supply of free pornographic content.

Distorted expectations. Porn creates unrealistic expectations about bodies, sexual acts, and pleasure. It often depicts aggressive and demeaning acts towards women as normal and desirable. Many boys report feeling anxious about measuring up to porn standards.

Impact on real relationships. Heavy porn use is associated with:

• Less satisfaction with real partners' bodies and sexual performance
• Difficulty becoming aroused without porn
• Pushing partners to re-enact porn scenarios
• Objectification of women
• Belief in rape myths and less empathy for victims

3. Hookup culture promotes detachment and emotional suppression

"Hookup culture short-circuits all of that. Nor, in the end, does it deliver on its promise of sex that is liberated, joyous, and free of consequence."

Casual sex is the norm. On many college campuses, casual hookups are seen as the default for sexual encounters. There is pressure to treat sex casually and avoid emotional attachment.

Alcohol facilitates detachment. Heavy drinking is central to hookup culture, helping students overcome anxiety and allowing them to act with "plausible deniability" about their choices. But it also increases the risks of miscommunication and assault.

Emotional toll. While some students thrive in hookup culture, many report feeling unsatisfied, used, or regretful afterward. Boys in particular struggle to admit vulnerability or disappointment, feeling pressure to treat all sexual encounters as conquest.

4. Consent education is crucial but often inadequate

"Consent is imperative, but it is a baseline. As health educator Shafia Zaloom says, consent is what makes sex legal, but it doesn't make sex ethical, and it doesn't make sex good."

Beyond "no means no". Modern consent education emphasizes enthusiastic, ongoing consent. But many boys still struggle to understand non-verbal cues or see consent as a one-time "yes" rather than an ongoing process.

Alcohol complicates consent. Boys often overestimate a girl's sexual interest when alcohol is involved. Many don't realize that an incapacitated person cannot consent.

Ethical sex education needed. Teaching the legalities of consent is not enough. Boys need education on:

• Healthy relationships and emotional intimacy
• Recognizing and respecting boundaries
• Ethical sexual behavior beyond mere legality
• Mutuality and women's pleasure
• Challenging toxic masculinity norms

5. Boys of color navigate additional challenges in white spaces

"They simultaneously acknowledged and minimized the psychic cost, the emotional energy it took to weather small but continual slights in the classroom, in their dorm rooms, strolling across campus, at parties: the constant, low-level message that they did not belong."

Stereotypes and expectations. Boys of color in predominantly white schools face contradictory pressures. They may be seen as "cool" and exotic, but also threatening. There's pressure to conform to white norms while also embodying stereotypical "urban" blackness.

Microaggressions take a toll. Constant small slights, assumptions, and othering create stress and alienation. Many boys of color report feeling hypervisible yet unseen as individuals.

Higher stakes for misconduct. Boys of color are aware that they face harsher judgment for any missteps, especially around sex and alcohol. They may avoid parties or hookups out of fear of being labeled predatory.

6. Many boys experience unwanted sex but struggle to recognize it

"For Cole, as for many boys, the rules and constraints of masculinity were a constant presence, a yardstick against which all their choices were measured."

Pressure to always want sex. Boys are socialized to believe they should always be eager for sex. This makes it hard for them to recognize or admit when they don't want a sexual encounter.

Female perpetrators overlooked. Society tends to dismiss or even celebrate instances of older women pursuing underage boys. This leaves many boys confused about their own victimization.

Struggles with masculinity. Boys who experience unwanted sex often feel shame and confusion about their masculinity. They may blame themselves for not wanting it or for being unable to stop it.

Lack of support. There are few resources for male victims of sexual coercion or assault. Many boys never tell anyone about their experiences.

7. Restorative justice offers an alternative approach to sexual misconduct

"We're all flawed humans. We've all caused harm. Some wells are definitely deeper than others. The real question is, how do we have a chance to take responsibility and make things right?"

Beyond punishment. Traditional disciplinary approaches often leave both victims and perpetrators feeling unheard. Restorative justice focuses on understanding harm and making amends.

Accountability and healing. The process brings together the person who caused harm, the person harmed, and community members. It aims to:

• Give victims a voice in the process
• Help perpetrators understand the impact of their actions
• Develop plans for meaningful accountability and change
• Restore damaged relationships where possible

Challenges remain. Restorative justice is not appropriate for all situations. It requires willingness from all parties and skilled facilitation. But it offers a promising alternative to adversarial processes.

8. Parents and educators play a vital role in boys' development

"Despite their eye-rolling, ear-plugging, and other superficial resistance, teenagers consistently say that they do want such information from parents, and that they benefit from it."

Start early and often. Rather than a single "talk," parents should have ongoing conversations about sex, relationships, and masculinity throughout childhood and adolescence.

Model healthy masculinity. Fathers and male role models can demonstrate emotional openness, respect for women, and ethical behavior.

Address porn and media. Help boys critically analyze the messages they receive from porn, social media, and pop culture about sex and gender.

Teach enthusiastic consent. Go beyond "no means no" to help boys understand affirmative consent and mutual pleasure.

Encourage emotional literacy. Give boys language to express their feelings and permission to be vulnerable.

Challenge toxic norms. Help boys recognize and resist harmful aspects of traditional masculinity without shaming them.

Last updated: August 10, 2024