Key Takeaways
1. We're all made of the same parts, organized differently
No two alike.
Universal anatomy. All human genitals are made of the same basic parts, just arranged differently. This applies to external and internal structures. For example, the clitoris and penis both develop from the same embryonic tissue. The variety in genital appearance and structure is normal and natural.
Unique variations. Differences in genital size, shape, color, and proportions are all within the range of healthy human variation. There is no one "correct" way for genitals to look. Intersex conditions, where genitals don't fit typical male/female categories, are also natural variations.
Beyond anatomy. This "same parts, different organization" principle extends to sexual response mechanisms in the brain and nervous system. We all have sexual "accelerators" and "brakes," but their sensitivity varies between individuals.
2. Sexual response involves turning on the ons and turning off the offs
Sexual arousal is really two processes: activating the accelerator and deactivating the brakes.
Dual control model. Sexual response involves both excitation (turning on the ons) and inhibition (turning off the offs). The balance between these systems determines arousal levels.
Individual differences. People vary in the sensitivity of their sexual excitation system (SES) and sexual inhibition system (SIS). Some have a sensitive accelerator, others sensitive brakes. This affects how easily they become aroused or how readily they can relax into arousal.
- High SES: More easily turned on
- High SIS: More easily turned off
- Low SES: Needs more stimulation to get aroused
- Low SIS: Less affected by potential turn-offs
Context dependent. What acts as a turn-on or turn-off varies based on the individual and situation. Understanding your own patterns can help maximize arousal.
3. Context shapes sexual experiences and responses
Context is made of two things: the circumstances of the present moment—whom you're with, where you are, whether the situation is novel or familiar, risky or safe, etc.—and your brain state in the present moment—whether you're relaxed or stressed, trusting or not, loving or not, right now, in this moment.
External circumstances. The physical environment, relationship dynamics, and social situation all impact sexual response. Novel settings may increase excitement for some, while familiar comfort enhances arousal for others.
Internal state. Mood, stress levels, self-image, and emotional connection profoundly shape sexual experiences. Feeling relaxed, safe, and positively connected to oneself and a partner creates an ideal context for arousal and pleasure.
Interaction of factors. External and internal contexts interact. For example, a romantic setting (external) can induce relaxation and affection (internal), enhancing overall sexual response. Understanding and optimizing your personal contexts is key to sexual satisfaction.
4. Genital response doesn't always match subjective arousal
Nonconcordance is what was going on.
Arousal nonconcordance. Physical signs of arousal (e.g. lubrication, erection) don't always match subjective feelings of being turned on. This mismatch is more common in women but occurs in all genders.
Not indicative of desire or consent. Genital response alone doesn't indicate sexual interest or willingness. It's a reflexive physiological reaction to sexual stimuli, separate from conscious desire or enjoyment.
Communication is key. Due to nonconcordance, it's crucial to rely on verbal communication rather than physical cues alone to gauge a partner's interest and comfort. Assuming arousal based solely on genital response can lead to misunderstandings.
5. Desire can be spontaneous or responsive - both are normal
Responsive desire is normal and healthy.
Spontaneous desire. This is the "out of the blue" sexual interest that many assume is the norm. It occurs without immediate external stimuli.
Responsive desire. This type of desire emerges in response to arousal. Someone might not feel spontaneous desire but become interested once sexual activity begins.
Equally valid. Neither type is better or more "normal" than the other. Many people experience a mix of both, often depending on context. Understanding your desire style can reduce stress and enhance satisfaction.
- Spontaneous desire: "I want sex, let's get aroused"
- Responsive desire: "I'm aroused, now I want sex"
6. Orgasms vary widely and are all valid
Pleasure is the measure.
Diverse experiences. Orgasms can feel different based on stimulation type, context, and individual physiology. There's no single "right" way to orgasm.
Not always the goal. While orgasms can be pleasurable, they shouldn't be the sole focus of sexual activity. Pressure to orgasm can create stress and reduce overall enjoyment.
Pleasure-focused approach. Rather than fixating on achieving orgasm, focus on overall pleasure and enjoyment. This mindset often leads to more satisfying sexual experiences, whether orgasm occurs or not.
7. Stress and emotions profoundly impact sexuality
Context changes how your brain responds to sex.
Stress response. The fight, flight, or freeze stress reactions can interfere with sexual arousal and pleasure. Chronic stress is particularly detrimental to sexual wellbeing.
Emotional state. Feelings like anxiety, depression, anger, or grief can dampen sexual interest and response. Conversely, positive emotions like joy and love can enhance sexual experiences.
Attachment and sexuality. Our attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant) formed in childhood influence adult sexual relationships. Secure attachment generally correlates with more satisfying sex lives.
8. Cultural messages shape our sexual self-perception
We've been lied to—not deliberately, it's no one's fault, but still. We were told the wrong story.
Competing narratives. Society bombards us with often contradictory messages about sexuality from moral, medical, and media sources. These shape our expectations and self-judgments.
Harmful myths. Many cultural messages promote unrealistic ideals or shame around sexuality. Common myths include:
- All desire should be spontaneous
- Orgasm should always occur from penetration
- Bodies should look a certain way to be sexy
Reclaiming autonomy. Recognizing these external influences allows us to critically examine and potentially reject harmful narratives. We can then develop healthier, more authentic relationships with our sexuality.
9. Self-criticism hinders sexual wellbeing
You were born entitled to all the pleasure your body can feel.
Impact of negativity. Harsh self-judgment about one's body, desires, or sexual performance creates stress and anxiety. This activates the "brakes" in the sexual response system.
Body image and sexuality. Negative body image correlates strongly with decreased sexual satisfaction and increased sexual dysfunction. Accepting and appreciating one's body enhances sexual experiences.
Shifting focus. Instead of criticizing perceived flaws or inadequacies, practice self-compassion and focus on sensations of pleasure. This positive mindset creates a more conducive environment for sexual enjoyment.
10. Mindfulness and self-compassion enhance sexual experiences
When you give yourself permission to be and feel whatever you are and feel, your body can complete the cycle, move through the tunnel, and come out to the light at the end.
Present-moment awareness. Mindfulness techniques help focus attention on current sensations and experiences, reducing distracting thoughts and enhancing pleasure.
Non-judgmental attitude. Accepting thoughts and feelings without criticism allows for a more relaxed and enjoyable sexual experience. This applies to both solo and partnered activities.
Self-compassion practices. Treating oneself with kindness and understanding, especially around perceived sexual "shortcomings," creates a more positive sexual self-image and reduces performance anxiety.
11. Joy and acceptance are key to sexual fulfillment
The secret ingredient is you.
Embracing your sexuality. Accepting and celebrating your unique sexuality, including desires, responses, and body, is fundamental to sexual satisfaction.
Finding joy. Approaching sexuality with curiosity, playfulness, and appreciation rather than obligation or shame leads to more fulfilling experiences.
Ongoing journey. Developing a positive relationship with your sexuality is a process. It often involves unlearning cultural messages, healing from past experiences, and continually exploring what brings you pleasure and connection.
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FAQ
What's Come As You Are about?
- Focus on Female Sexuality: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski delves into the science of female sexuality, aiming to dispel myths and provide a clearer understanding of how women's sexual responses function.
- Dual Control Model: The book introduces the dual control model, explaining sexual arousal through the interplay of a sexual accelerator and brakes.
- Contextual Influence: It emphasizes the significant role of context—both external and internal—in shaping sexual desire and arousal.
Why should I read Come As You Are?
- Empowering Knowledge: The book offers evidence-based insights that empower women to understand their bodies and sexual responses, promoting a healthier relationship with their sexuality.
- Debunking Myths: Nagoski challenges harmful myths about female sexuality, such as the misconception that genital response equals desire.
- Practical Advice: It includes exercises and worksheets to help readers apply the concepts to their own lives, enhancing sexual wellbeing.
What are the key takeaways of Come As You Are?
- All Bodies Are Unique: Nagoski highlights the diversity of female anatomy and sexual response, emphasizing that everyone's genitals are made of the same parts, organized differently.
- Arousal Nonconcordance: This concept explains that genital response does not always match subjective arousal, which is normal and should be understood.
- Context Matters: The book stresses the importance of context in sexual arousal and pleasure, influencing how women experience their sexuality.
What is the Dual Control Model in Come As You Are?
- Accelerator and Brakes: The model describes sexual arousal as governed by the Sexual Excitation System (accelerator) and the Sexual Inhibition System (brakes).
- Individual Differences: Each person has unique sensitivities in their accelerator and brakes, affecting their sexual response.
- Practical Implications: Understanding this model helps identify whether sexual difficulties stem from insufficient stimulation to the accelerator or excessive stimulation to the brakes.
What is arousal nonconcordance, and why is it important in Come As You Are?
- Definition: Arousal nonconcordance refers to the mismatch between physiological responses and subjective feelings of arousal.
- Cultural Misunderstandings: Many believe genital response indicates sexual enjoyment, leading to misconceptions and feelings of inadequacy.
- Implications for Sexual Health: Recognizing this concept helps women understand their bodies better and reduces anxiety about their sexual responses.
How does stress affect sexual desire according to Come As You Are?
- Stress Hits the Brakes: Stress generally reduces sexual interest for most people by activating the brakes in the dual control model.
- Chronic vs. Acute Stress: Chronic stressors lack a clear beginning and end, complicating the completion of the stress response cycle.
- Completing the Cycle: Effective stress management involves completing the stress response cycle through activities like physical exercise or affection.
How does context influence sexual desire in Come As You Are?
- Emotional and Environmental Factors: Both emotional states and environmental contexts significantly impact sexual desire and arousal.
- Creating a Positive Context: Strategies for fostering sexual desire include reducing stress and enhancing emotional intimacy.
- Personalization of Experiences: Understanding unique contexts allows individuals to tailor their sexual experiences for enhanced pleasure.
What are some practical strategies from Come As You Are?
- Therapeutic Masturbation: This practice helps women explore their bodies and understand what feels pleasurable.
- Mindfulness Techniques: Mindfulness exercises enhance sexual pleasure by focusing on bodily sensations without judgment.
- Communication with Partners: Open dialogue about desires and boundaries is crucial for improving sexual satisfaction.
What is the significance of responsive desire in Come As You Are?
- Understanding Responsive Desire: It is characterized by wanting sex in response to pleasurable stimuli rather than spontaneously.
- Normalizing Variability: Responsive desire is common among women, countering the myth that all women should experience spontaneous desire.
- Encouraging Exploration: Recognizing responsive desire encourages women to explore their sexuality authentically.
What are the cultural messages about female sexuality discussed in Come As You Are?
- Moral Message: This message suggests that women who enjoy sex are "damaged goods," promoting shame around sexual desire.
- Medical Message: It frames women's sexuality as potentially diseased, leading to unnecessary medical interventions.
- Media Message: The media perpetuates feelings of inadequacy, suggesting women must conform to unrealistic standards.
How can I improve my sexual wellbeing based on Come As You Are?
- Practice Self-Compassion: Replace self-criticism with self-kindness, recognizing it as an invasive weed in the garden of sexual wellbeing.
- Create Positive Contexts: Build contexts low in stress and high in affection to enhance sexual pleasure and desire.
- Engage in Mindfulness: Mindfulness helps individuals become more aware of their feelings, navigating sexual experiences with ease.
What are the best quotes from Come As You Are and what do they mean?
- “Your genitals are telling you something, and you can trust them.”: Encourages women to trust their physiological responses, understanding they don't always equate to desire.
- “Pleasure is the measure.”: Emphasizes judging sexual experiences by the pleasure they bring, not societal standards.
- “You are normal. Beautiful.”: Reassures women that their experiences and bodies are valid, challenging stigma around female sexuality.
Review Summary
Come As You Are receives praise for its empowering approach to female sexuality, debunking myths and normalizing diverse experiences. Readers appreciate the scientific backing and practical advice for improving sexual well-being. The conversational writing style is divisive, with some finding it engaging and others patronizing. Critics note a focus on heterosexual, monogamous relationships and repetitive content. Many readers recommend it as essential reading for understanding women's sexuality, though some find the self-help aspects overwhelming. Overall, the book is lauded for its body-positive message and potential to transform readers' relationships with their sexuality.
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