Come As You Are

1. We're all made of the same parts, organized differently

No two alike.

Universal anatomy. All human genitals are made of the same basic parts, just arranged differently. This applies to external and internal structures. For example, the clitoris and penis both develop from the same embryonic tissue. The variety in genital appearance and structure is normal and natural.

Unique variations. Differences in genital size, shape, color, and proportions are all within the range of healthy human variation. There is no one "correct" way for genitals to look. Intersex conditions, where genitals don't fit typical male/female categories, are also natural variations.

Beyond anatomy. This "same parts, different organization" principle extends to sexual response mechanisms in the brain and nervous system. We all have sexual "accelerators" and "brakes," but their sensitivity varies between individuals.

2. Sexual response involves turning on the ons and turning off the offs

Sexual arousal is really two processes: activating the accelerator and deactivating the brakes.

Dual control model. Sexual response involves both excitation (turning on the ons) and inhibition (turning off the offs). The balance between these systems determines arousal levels.

Individual differences. People vary in the sensitivity of their sexual excitation system (SES) and sexual inhibition system (SIS). Some have a sensitive accelerator, others sensitive brakes. This affects how easily they become aroused or how readily they can relax into arousal.

• High SES: More easily turned on
• High SIS: More easily turned off
• Low SES: Needs more stimulation to get aroused
• Low SIS: Less affected by potential turn-offs

Context dependent. What acts as a turn-on or turn-off varies based on the individual and situation. Understanding your own patterns can help maximize arousal.

3. Context shapes sexual experiences and responses

Context is made of two things: the circumstances of the present moment—whom you're with, where you are, whether the situation is novel or familiar, risky or safe, etc.—and your brain state in the present moment—whether you're relaxed or stressed, trusting or not, loving or not, right now, in this moment.

External circumstances. The physical environment, relationship dynamics, and social situation all impact sexual response. Novel settings may increase excitement for some, while familiar comfort enhances arousal for others.

Internal state. Mood, stress levels, self-image, and emotional connection profoundly shape sexual experiences. Feeling relaxed, safe, and positively connected to oneself and a partner creates an ideal context for arousal and pleasure.

Interaction of factors. External and internal contexts interact. For example, a romantic setting (external) can induce relaxation and affection (internal), enhancing overall sexual response. Understanding and optimizing your personal contexts is key to sexual satisfaction.

4. Genital response doesn't always match subjective arousal

Nonconcordance is what was going on.

Arousal nonconcordance. Physical signs of arousal (e.g. lubrication, erection) don't always match subjective feelings of being turned on. This mismatch is more common in women but occurs in all genders.

Not indicative of desire or consent. Genital response alone doesn't indicate sexual interest or willingness. It's a reflexive physiological reaction to sexual stimuli, separate from conscious desire or enjoyment.

Communication is key. Due to nonconcordance, it's crucial to rely on verbal communication rather than physical cues alone to gauge a partner's interest and comfort. Assuming arousal based solely on genital response can lead to misunderstandings.

5. Desire can be spontaneous or responsive - both are normal

Responsive desire is normal and healthy.

Spontaneous desire. This is the "out of the blue" sexual interest that many assume is the norm. It occurs without immediate external stimuli.

Responsive desire. This type of desire emerges in response to arousal. Someone might not feel spontaneous desire but become interested once sexual activity begins.

Equally valid. Neither type is better or more "normal" than the other. Many people experience a mix of both, often depending on context. Understanding your desire style can reduce stress and enhance satisfaction.

• Spontaneous desire: "I want sex, let's get aroused"
• Responsive desire: "I'm aroused, now I want sex"

6. Orgasms vary widely and are all valid

Pleasure is the measure.

Diverse experiences. Orgasms can feel different based on stimulation type, context, and individual physiology. There's no single "right" way to orgasm.

Not always the goal. While orgasms can be pleasurable, they shouldn't be the sole focus of sexual activity. Pressure to orgasm can create stress and reduce overall enjoyment.

Pleasure-focused approach. Rather than fixating on achieving orgasm, focus on overall pleasure and enjoyment. This mindset often leads to more satisfying sexual experiences, whether orgasm occurs or not.

7. Stress and emotions profoundly impact sexuality

Context changes how your brain responds to sex.

Stress response. The fight, flight, or freeze stress reactions can interfere with sexual arousal and pleasure. Chronic stress is particularly detrimental to sexual wellbeing.

Emotional state. Feelings like anxiety, depression, anger, or grief can dampen sexual interest and response. Conversely, positive emotions like joy and love can enhance sexual experiences.

Attachment and sexuality. Our attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant) formed in childhood influence adult sexual relationships. Secure attachment generally correlates with more satisfying sex lives.

8. Cultural messages shape our sexual self-perception

We've been lied to—not deliberately, it's no one's fault, but still. We were told the wrong story.

Competing narratives. Society bombards us with often contradictory messages about sexuality from moral, medical, and media sources. These shape our expectations and self-judgments.

Harmful myths. Many cultural messages promote unrealistic ideals or shame around sexuality. Common myths include:

• All desire should be spontaneous
• Orgasm should always occur from penetration
• Bodies should look a certain way to be sexy

Reclaiming autonomy. Recognizing these external influences allows us to critically examine and potentially reject harmful narratives. We can then develop healthier, more authentic relationships with our sexuality.

9. Self-criticism hinders sexual wellbeing

You were born entitled to all the pleasure your body can feel.

Impact of negativity. Harsh self-judgment about one's body, desires, or sexual performance creates stress and anxiety. This activates the "brakes" in the sexual response system.

Body image and sexuality. Negative body image correlates strongly with decreased sexual satisfaction and increased sexual dysfunction. Accepting and appreciating one's body enhances sexual experiences.

Shifting focus. Instead of criticizing perceived flaws or inadequacies, practice self-compassion and focus on sensations of pleasure. This positive mindset creates a more conducive environment for sexual enjoyment.

10. Mindfulness and self-compassion enhance sexual experiences

When you give yourself permission to be and feel whatever you are and feel, your body can complete the cycle, move through the tunnel, and come out to the light at the end.

Present-moment awareness. Mindfulness techniques help focus attention on current sensations and experiences, reducing distracting thoughts and enhancing pleasure.

Non-judgmental attitude. Accepting thoughts and feelings without criticism allows for a more relaxed and enjoyable sexual experience. This applies to both solo and partnered activities.

Self-compassion practices. Treating oneself with kindness and understanding, especially around perceived sexual "shortcomings," creates a more positive sexual self-image and reduces performance anxiety.

11. Joy and acceptance are key to sexual fulfillment

The secret ingredient is you.

Embracing your sexuality. Accepting and celebrating your unique sexuality, including desires, responses, and body, is fundamental to sexual satisfaction.

Finding joy. Approaching sexuality with curiosity, playfulness, and appreciation rather than obligation or shame leads to more fulfilling experiences.

Ongoing journey. Developing a positive relationship with your sexuality is a process. It often involves unlearning cultural messages, healing from past experiences, and continually exploring what brings you pleasure and connection.

Last updated: July 23, 2024