Consent

1. The Shifting Sands of Consent: A Memoir's Core Question

But if the story is about an older man preying on a teenager, shouldn’t I call him “the artist” or, better still, “the art teacher,” with all that the word teacher implies?

Defining Consent. The memoir grapples with the complexities of consent, particularly when there's a significant age and power imbalance. The author questions whether her teenage self had the agency to truly consent to a relationship with her older art teacher. This exploration challenges the reader to consider the nuances of consent beyond a simple yes or no.

• The author uses terms like "child grooming" and "statutory rape" to frame the relationship, highlighting the potential for exploitation.
• The "Romeo and Juliet clause" is mentioned, but dismissed, emphasizing the age gap's significance.
• The author's own shifting perspective on the relationship, from romantic to potentially abusive, underscores the difficulty in defining consent.

Language and Perspective. The author examines how language shapes our understanding of events. She considers different terms to describe her relationship with Arnold, such as "sexual offender," "transgressor," "victim," and "survivor," each carrying distinct connotations. This highlights how the language we use can either empower or disempower individuals.

• The author questions whether she was a "bimbo" or "vixen," reflecting the societal judgment often placed on young women in relationships with older men.
• She also considers the language of the sexual revolution, where her actions might have been seen as "cool" or "bitchin'."
• This exploration reveals how societal norms and language evolve, impacting our understanding of past events.

The Central Question. The memoir's central question revolves around the nature of consent and whether a relationship that began with a power imbalance can ever be truly equal. This question is not easily answered, and the author's own uncertainty reflects the complexities of the issue.

• The author asks, "Did I have the agency to consent?"
• She also questions whether her own actions, such as unbuttoning her blouse, constituted consent.
• This central question forces the reader to confront uncomfortable truths about power, desire, and the nature of relationships.

2. Memory's Unreliability: The Memoir as Historical Fiction

A memoir is closer to historical fiction than it is to biography.

Subjectivity of Memory. The memoir acknowledges that memory is not a perfect record of the past. The author admits that her recollections are filtered through her current perspective and emotions, making the memoir more akin to historical fiction than a factual account.

• The author uses the term "scene" rather than "memory," highlighting the constructed nature of her recollections.
• She notes that the time it takes to recreate a moment in a memoir is often longer than the time it took to live the actual moment.
• This acknowledgment of memory's subjectivity challenges the reader to question the reliability of any personal narrative.

The Present's Influence. The author reveals how the present influences her interpretation of the past. She admits that her memoir reflects the time in which it was written, the 1990s, as much as the 1970s, the period she is writing about.

• She notes that the language used to describe men who preyed on younger women in the 90s was different from the language used in the 70s.
• She also considers how the Clinton scandal influenced her perspective on power dynamics.
• This highlights how our understanding of the past is always shaped by the present.

Re-Writing the Past. The author's act of writing the memoir becomes a part of the story itself. She acknowledges that the act of writing slowly accumulates until it usurps the events she is trying to capture.

• She admits that she has written about the kiss before, twenty-five years ago, in another memoir.
• She questions whether her previous account was accurate or if she was protecting Arnold.
• This self-awareness of the writing process adds another layer of complexity to the memoir.

3. Power Dynamics: Age, Authority, and Sexual Agency

The power he once held over me—his ability (in my mind) to anoint me an artist—now shifted to a different kind of power: carnal knowledge.

Shifting Power. The memoir explores the shifting power dynamics between the author and Arnold. Initially, Arnold holds power as her art teacher, but this power shifts as their relationship becomes sexual.

• The author notes that Arnold's ability to "anoint" her as an artist is replaced by his "carnal knowledge."
• She also acknowledges that she gains power by controlling his attention with her mind and body.
• This exploration of power dynamics reveals the complex interplay of desire, authority, and agency.

The Teacher-Student Dynamic. The author questions the ethical implications of a teacher-student relationship that becomes sexual. She notes that the word "teacher" implies a position of authority and responsibility.

• She asks whether Arnold's behavior qualified as "child grooming," a term used to describe a pedophile's recruitment techniques.
• She also questions whether his extra attention and physical touch were manipulative.
• This exploration of the teacher-student dynamic highlights the potential for abuse of power in such relationships.

Agency and Choice. The author grapples with the question of her own agency and choice in the relationship. She acknowledges that she went willingly, but also questions whether her teenage brain was capable of making informed decisions.

• She notes that the teenage brain is impulsive and that there is a mismatch between the limbic system and the prefrontal lobe.
• She also questions whether her desire to be older influenced her choices.
• This exploration of agency and choice reveals the complexities of navigating desire and power as a teenager.

4. The Allure of the "Older Man": A Complex Psychological Landscape

I had always wished I was older. I had wanted to be an adult ever since I was a child.

Desire for Adulthood. The author reveals her desire to be older, which may have influenced her attraction to Arnold. She notes that she had always wished she was older and that she wanted to be an adult ever since she was a child.

• This desire for adulthood may have made her more susceptible to Arnold's attention.
• It also highlights the complex psychological factors that can influence attraction and desire.
• This exploration of the author's inner world adds another layer of complexity to the memoir.

Father Figure. The author acknowledges the possibility of an unresolved Oedipus complex or other "daddy issues" influencing her attraction to Arnold. She notes that she was sleeping on her father's side of the bed after he had moved out.

• She also notes that Arnold became her "de facto therapist," asking her about her childhood and her "patterns."
• This exploration of the author's relationship with her father adds another layer of complexity to her attraction to Arnold.
• The author's father is described as "on the spectrum," which may have contributed to her desire for a more emotionally available father figure.

The Power of Being Chosen. The author reveals that she felt special because Arnold, an older and important man, desired her. She notes that his age elevated her above the line of wallflowers.

• She also acknowledges that she didn't want to wait her turn in line with other girls for the "goodies" of adulthood.
• This exploration of the author's desire to be chosen highlights the complex interplay of power, desire, and self-esteem.
• The author's desire to be seen and valued may have made her more susceptible to Arnold's attention.

5. The Weight of Secrets: Omissions and Their Impact

There is another omission in the text. I promised Arnold that I would not tell anyone about our kiss, but in fact I did.

The Power of Omission. The author acknowledges that her memoir is not a complete record of the past. She reveals that she omitted certain details, such as telling her mother about the kiss, and that these omissions have a significant impact on the story.

• She notes that the scene with her mother would have been a "compelling scene," but she chose not to include it.
• She also acknowledges that she omitted the fact that she had sex with a boy her own age before Arnold.
• This exploration of omission highlights the constructed nature of any personal narrative.

Motivations for Omission. The author questions her motivations for omitting certain details. She wonders if she was protecting Arnold, her marriage, or herself.

• She notes that the statute of limitations had long passed, so she was not protecting Arnold from legal consequences.
• She also questions whether she was protecting her marriage by portraying Arnold as passive.
• This exploration of her motivations reveals the complex interplay of memory, desire, and self-preservation.

Negative Space. The author introduces the concept of "negative space" in writing, which refers to what is not said. She notes that the absence of certain details can create form, proportion, and dimensionality.

• She uses the example of the Bel Air house, which is absent from the memoir, to illustrate the concept of negative space.
• She also notes that the absence of loving descriptions of Arnold's body is a significant omission.
• This exploration of negative space highlights the importance of what is left unsaid in any narrative.

6. Love and Its Many Forms: From Erotic to Familial

I knew then that there was no one I would ever love more.

Erotic Love. The memoir explores the intensity of erotic love, particularly the "divine madness" that Plato describes. The author questions whether her feelings for Arnold were truly love or something else.

• She notes that she was seeing herself for the first time reflected in his desire.
• She also questions whether she was experiencing love for him or for herself.
• This exploration of erotic love highlights the complex interplay of desire, self-discovery, and projection.

Familial Love. The memoir also explores the complexities of familial love, particularly the author's relationships with her mother, brothers, and Arnold's daughter, Michelle.

• She notes that her mother's migraine was a reaction to her relationship with Arnold.
• She also notes that she felt a sense of responsibility for Michelle, who was struggling with mental health issues.
• This exploration of familial love highlights the complex interplay of obligation, affection, and resentment.

Love as Action. The author comes to understand that love is not just a feeling but also an action. She notes that she acted lovingly toward Arnold by typing his rejection letter and never telling him.

• She also notes that she learned to love him by seeing him through his own eyes, as he painted her.
• This exploration of love as action highlights the importance of empathy, compassion, and selflessness.
• The author's understanding of love evolves throughout the memoir, from a romantic ideal to a more complex and nuanced understanding.

7. Art as a Mirror: Reflecting and Shaping Identity

He showed me who I might become.

Art as Self-Discovery. The memoir explores how art can be a tool for self-discovery. The author notes that she saw herself for the first time in Arnold's painting of her.

• She also notes that she was able to control his attention with her mind, not just her body.
• This exploration of art as self-discovery highlights the power of creative expression to shape our understanding of ourselves.
• The author's journey as an artist is intertwined with her journey of self-discovery.

Arnold's Artistic Journey. The memoir also explores Arnold's artistic journey, from social realism to abstraction and back again. The author notes that his studio, once a laboratory of experimentation, became a diorama of failure.

• She also notes that he had once been part of a cadre of social realists, but that his style had fallen out of fashion.
• This exploration of Arnold's artistic journey highlights the challenges of maintaining artistic integrity in a changing world.
• Arnold's artistic struggles mirror his personal struggles, adding another layer of complexity to his character.

The Power of Perspective. The memoir highlights the power of perspective in shaping our understanding of art and life. The author notes that she saw herself differently through Arnold's eyes.

• She also notes that she was able to see the world differently after studying with him.
• This exploration of perspective highlights the importance of empathy, compassion, and open-mindedness.
• The author's journey as an artist is intertwined with her journey of self-discovery.

8. The Long Shadow of the Past: Trauma and Its Echoes

It should have been so obvious that something bad was going to happen to my little brother.

Childhood Trauma. The memoir explores the impact of childhood trauma on the author's life. She notes that her father's furies and her mother's emotional unavailability had a lasting impact on her.

• She also notes that she was sleeping on her father's side of the bed after he had moved out.
• This exploration of childhood trauma highlights the importance of understanding how past experiences shape our present selves.
• The author's childhood experiences may have contributed to her attraction to older men.

Intergenerational Trauma. The memoir also explores the concept of intergenerational trauma, particularly the impact of the Holocaust on Arnold's family. She notes that his parents had stopped hearing from their cousins in Germany.

• She also notes that Arnold's War Series was inspired by the photographs of concentration camp survivors.
• This exploration of intergenerational trauma highlights the lasting impact of historical events on individuals and families.
• Arnold's artistic focus on trauma may have been influenced by his family's history.

The Cycle of Abuse. The memoir explores the cycle of abuse, particularly the way in which Arnold's behavior mirrored the behavior of other men in his life. She notes that he had an affair with a director friend's stepdaughter.

• She also notes that he had a constant supply of women in his private classes.
• This exploration of the cycle of abuse highlights the importance of breaking patterns of harmful behavior.
• The author's own experience with abuse may have made her more sensitive to the potential for exploitation in relationships.

9. The Younger Woman's Perspective: A Shifting Narrative

I wasn’t ready to give up the benefits of youth.

The Younger Woman's Agency. The memoir explores the younger woman's perspective, challenging the stereotype of the passive victim. The author notes that she was not ready to give up the benefits of youth.

• She also notes that she was aware of the shifting power dynamics in her relationship with Arnold.
• This exploration of the younger woman's agency highlights the importance of recognizing the complexity of female desire and ambition.
• The author's perspective challenges the traditional narrative of the older man and the younger woman.

The Shifting Gaze. The memoir explores how the author's perspective shifts over time. She notes that she was initially drawn to Arnold's power and authority, but that she later came to see him as a flawed and vulnerable human being.

• She also notes that she was initially focused on her own desires, but that she later came to understand the impact of her actions on others.
• This exploration of the shifting gaze highlights the importance of self-reflection and empathy.
• The author's perspective evolves throughout the memoir, from a teenage girl to a mature woman.

The Price of Youth. The memoir explores the price of youth, particularly the way in which young women are often objectified and exploited. The author notes that she was aware of the power of her youth and beauty.

• She also notes that she was often treated as a "sugar baby" or "gold digger."
• This exploration of the price of youth highlights the importance of challenging societal norms and expectations.
• The author's experience as a younger woman informs her understanding of power dynamics and exploitation.

10. The Inevitability of Aging: A Love Story's Unfolding

He knew what was to become of us.

The Passage of Time. The memoir explores the inevitability of aging and the impact of time on relationships. The author notes that Arnold knew what was to become of them.

• She also notes that she was becoming his copilot, guiding him through space and time.
• This exploration of the passage of time highlights the importance of accepting the natural cycle of life.
• The author's relationship with Arnold is framed by the awareness of their mortality.

The Loss of Youth. The memoir explores the loss of youth, both for the author and for Arnold. She notes that she always looked fresher than he and that she always had more energy.

• She also notes that she was becoming his caretaker, anticipating his needs and compensating for his limitations.
• This exploration of the loss of youth highlights the challenges of aging and the importance of compassion and empathy.
• The author's experience of aging alongside Arnold informs her understanding of the human condition.

The Enduring Power of Love. Despite the challenges of aging and the shifting power dynamics, the memoir ultimately affirms the enduring power of love. The author notes that she never loved Arnold more than when she saw him jump into the pool with his dying friend.

• She also notes that she was able to see him through his own eyes, as he painted her.
• This exploration of the enduring power of love highlights the importance of connection, intimacy, and shared experience.
• The author's love for Arnold evolves throughout the memoir, from a romantic ideal to a more complex and nuanced understanding.

Last updated: February 3, 2025