Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success

1. Embrace Failure as a Necessary Stepping Stone to Success

Failure isn’t the worst thing that can happen to your kids. Often, it’s one of the best.

Redefining Success. Traditional metrics of success, such as academic accolades and social popularity, often create undue pressure on children. A more holistic view of success focuses on personal fulfillment, competency in areas of interest, and community participation. This shift in perspective allows parents to view failures not as endpoints, but as valuable learning experiences.

The Illusion of Perfection. The constant pressure to project an image of infallibility, amplified by social media, can be crippling for both parents and children. This drive toward perfectionism can lead to anxiety, depression, and a fear of taking risks. Instead, parents should embrace the normalcy of a messy life and encourage their children to do the same.

The Function of Failure. Failure is not just an uncomfortable part of growing up; it's a necessary and valuable experience. It's how kids learn to cope, gain perspective, and become more capable and confident. By reframing failures as character builders, parents can help their children develop resilience and a growth mindset.

2. Adolescent Failures as Modern Rites of Passage

This liminal space is one where failure meets opportunity for redemption.

The Rite of Passage. Traditional societies often have rites of passage that mark the transition from childhood to adulthood. These rituals typically involve separation, testing, learning, and reintegration. Modern adolescence, while lacking formal rituals, still presents opportunities for growth through overcoming challenges.

Four Stages to Adulthood:

• Separation from their group
• A time of being tested
• Learning and growth as a result of the test
• Return and reintegration with the group as a better version of oneself

The Starling Effect. Parents who go to extreme lengths to protect their children from discomfort, even at the expense of others, may inadvertently hinder their development. This "starling effect" can create a sense of entitlement and a lack of resilience in children. Instead, parents should allow their children to experience setbacks and learn from them.

3. Empower Growth by Upholding Your Child's Rights

All adolescents deserve a minimum range of basic personal rights, bestowed by parents—not the government—that can become broader in scope with age and experience, yet also reduced or temporarily revoked when real safety protocols have been violated.

Your Child's Bill of Rights. Adolescents deserve a set of basic personal rights, including the right to make mistakes, maintain some privacy, take risks, choose their own friends, practice making informed decisions about their bodies, receive the benefit of the doubt, negotiate and self-advocate, determine their own values, access accurate information, and seek independence. These rights, while not absolute, provide a framework for supporting a child's growth and development.

Avoiding Failure Traps. Parents should avoid micromanaging their children, believing failures are shameful, focusing solely on the negative aspects of failure, and asserting that kids who fail don't have the right to continue failing. These traps can hinder a child's ability to learn from their mistakes and develop resilience.

Balancing Safety and Growth. While it's natural for parents to want to protect their children, overprotectiveness can stifle their development. Parents should strive to find a balance between keeping their children safe and allowing them to take risks and learn from their experiences.

4. Self-Awareness: The First Step in Helping Your Child

Your response to your child’s failure can be the difference between your child getting stuck in failure and your child using that experience to push back onto the road toward success.

Assessing Your Response Style. Parents often react to their children's failures based on their own ingrained coping mechanisms, such as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Recognizing these patterns can help parents choose more effective responses that support their child's growth.

The Importance of Perspective. When dealing with a child's failure, it's crucial for parents to maintain perspective and avoid catastrophizing. Reminding oneself that things can almost always be worse and that just being alive is a thing to be treasured can help parents cope with the uncertainty and anxiety of raising adolescents.

Managing Your Own Emotions. Parents need to manage their own emotional reactions before attempting to help their children. Techniques such as deep breathing, physical activity, and sensory grounding can help parents calm their stress response and access their rational brain.

5. A Three-Step Process: Contain, Resolve, Evolve

Personal, positive experiences with success are the only way kids learn to overcome hard situations.

The Three-Step Process. To help children learn from failure, parents can follow a three-step process: Contain (limit further damage), Resolve (take action to fix the problem), and Evolve (move past the failure and focus on growth). This process provides a structured approach to turning setbacks into opportunities for learning and development.

Contain the Problem. This involves controlling the narrative, affirming your child, shrinking their exposure to negative influences, and gathering the truth about the situation. The goal is to limit further damage and create a safe space for your child to process what happened.

Resolve the Damage. This involves taking action to fix the problem, updating communication with relevant parties, and engaging your whisper network for support and advice. The goal is to address the immediate consequences of the failure and begin the healing process.

Evolve Past the Failure. This involves allowing time and space for your child to process what happened, triaging your fears, facing one fear first, upholding your child's rights, establishing bonuses for good behavior, and seeing new things. The goal is to help your child move past the failure and grow into a more capable and confident version of themselves.

6. The Rebel: Channeling Defiance into Positive Change

I disliked the feeling of regret much more than I liked the feeling of self-indulgence.

Understanding the Rebel Archetype. The Rebel archetype represents children who fail to follow the rules, often driven by a desire for peer acceptance or a need to assert their independence. While rule-breaking can be concerning, it can also be a sign of a strong will and a desire to challenge the status quo.

The Lure of Popularity. The desire for peer acceptance can lead children to make choices that they later regret, such as betraying a friend or engaging in risky behavior. Parents can help their children navigate these situations by teaching them the importance of integrity and empathy.

Turning Rebellion into a Strength. Instead of trying to suppress a child's rebellious spirit, parents can help them channel it into positive change. By encouraging them to question authority, advocate for their beliefs, and challenge injustice, parents can help their children become agents of change.

7. The Daredevil: Balancing Risk with Responsibility

The way to keep your teen safest is to let them take more risks.

Understanding the Daredevil Archetype. The Daredevil archetype represents children who fail to take care of their bodies, often engaging in risky behaviors or neglecting their health. While these behaviors can be alarming, they can also be a sign of a desire for excitement and a need to test their limits.

The Biology of Risk-Taking. The adolescent brain undergoes significant changes that increase the drive for novelty and risk-taking. Parents can help their children navigate this period by providing opportunities for safe risk-taking, such as trying out for a sports team or starting a small business.

Teaching Responsibility. While it's important to allow children to take risks, it's equally important to teach them responsibility. This involves helping them understand the consequences of their actions, make informed decisions, and take care of their bodies.

8. The Misfit: Reframing Academic Struggles as Opportunities

Success, as I see it, has less to do with a young person meeting measurable, enviable outcomes and more to do with a child becoming personally fulfilled, developing competency in an area of interest, and finding a community in which to participate.

Understanding the Misfit Archetype. The Misfit archetype represents children who fail to perform well in school, often due to learning differences, lack of motivation, or a mismatch between their learning style and the traditional classroom environment. While academic struggles can be concerning, they can also be an opportunity for children to discover their unique strengths and interests.

The Importance of Perspective. Parents should avoid equating academic success with overall worth. Instead, they should focus on helping their children develop a love of learning, find their passions, and build a strong sense of self-worth.

Finding Alternative Paths to Success. When a child struggles in school, parents should explore alternative paths to success, such as vocational training, apprenticeships, or entrepreneurial ventures. The goal is to help the child find a path that aligns with their strengths and interests.

9. The Ego: Cultivating Empathy and Consideration for Others

I disliked the feeling of regret much more than I liked the feeling of self-indulgence.

Understanding the Ego Archetype. The Ego archetype represents children who fail to show concern for others, often appearing self-centered or inconsiderate. While this behavior can be frustrating, it can also be a sign of a child's growing sense of independence and self-awareness.

The Importance of Perspective-Taking. Parents can help their children develop empathy by encouraging them to consider the perspectives of others. This involves asking questions, listening actively, and modeling empathy in their own interactions.

Teaching Responsibility. While it's important to allow children to express their individuality, it's equally important to teach them responsibility. This involves helping them understand the impact of their actions on others, make amends for their mistakes, and contribute to the well-being of their family and community.

10. The Benchwarmer: Nurturing Self-Belief and Confidence

We owe it to ourselves and our kids to stop thinking about failures as conclusions and begin to frame failures as character builders.

Understanding the Benchwarmer Archetype. The Benchwarmer archetype represents children who fail to believe in themselves, often lacking the confidence or self-esteem to pursue their goals. While this lack of self-belief can be limiting, it can also be an opportunity for parents to nurture their child's inner strength and resilience.

The Power of Affirmation. Parents can help their children develop self-confidence by providing them with genuine praise and encouragement. This involves focusing on their strengths, celebrating their efforts, and helping them see their potential.

Creating Opportunities for Success. Children who lack self-belief often need opportunities to experience success. Parents can help by providing them with challenges that are within their reach, celebrating their accomplishments, and helping them learn from their mistakes.

Last updated: March 27, 2025