The Gift of Failure

1. Overparenting undermines children's intrinsic motivation and growth

"We have taught our kids to fear failure, and in doing so, we have blocked the surest and clearest path to their success."

Overparenting harms development. By constantly intervening and solving problems for our children, we deprive them of essential learning experiences. This approach, while well-intentioned, teaches children to be dependent on others and afraid of making mistakes. As a result, they struggle to develop crucial life skills such as resilience, problem-solving, and self-reliance.

Intrinsic motivation suffers. When parents over-control their children's lives, it undermines the child's sense of autonomy and competence. Research shows that children whose parents allow them to struggle and fail are more engaged, enthusiastic, and motivated in their education and personal growth. They develop a growth mindset, believing that their abilities can be improved through effort and learning from mistakes.

Long-term consequences. Overparented children often struggle in adulthood, lacking the skills to navigate challenges independently. They may have difficulty coping with setbacks, making decisions, and taking initiative in their personal and professional lives. By allowing children to face and overcome obstacles, parents prepare them for the realities of adult life and foster true self-esteem based on genuine accomplishments.

2. Autonomy-supportive parenting fosters competence and resilience

"The less we push our kids toward educational success, the more they will learn."

Encourage independence. Autonomy-supportive parenting involves allowing children to make age-appropriate decisions and solve problems on their own. This approach helps children develop a sense of ownership over their lives and actions, fostering intrinsic motivation and self-confidence.

Provide guidance, not control. Instead of dictating every aspect of a child's life, parents should:

• Offer choices within reasonable limits
• Explain the rationale behind rules and expectations
• Allow natural consequences for actions
• Encourage children to find their own solutions to problems

Build competence through experience. By allowing children to take on responsibilities and face challenges, parents help them develop real-world skills and confidence. This might involve:

• Assigning age-appropriate household chores
• Letting children manage their own schoolwork and extracurricular activities
• Encouraging exploration of new interests and activities
• Supporting children through failures and setbacks, rather than preventing them

3. Failure is a valuable tool for developing problem-solving skills

"Failure—from small mistakes to huge miscalculations—is a necessary and critical part of our children's development."

Reframe failure as learning. Instead of viewing failure as something to be avoided at all costs, parents should help children see it as an opportunity for growth and learning. This shift in perspective can help children develop resilience and a growth mindset.

Allow natural consequences. When children make mistakes or poor choices, resist the urge to immediately rescue them. Natural consequences provide valuable learning experiences that help children develop problem-solving skills and understand cause-and-effect relationships.

Encourage reflection and analysis. After a failure or setback, guide children through a process of reflection:

• What went wrong?
• What could be done differently next time?
• What lessons can be learned from this experience?
• How can these lessons be applied to future situations?

By fostering this analytical approach, parents help children develop critical thinking skills and the ability to learn from their experiences.

4. Praise effort and process, not innate abilities or intelligence

"You are smart" is very different from "You worked so hard on that French homework; it must have felt really good to have done well on that assignment."

Focus on growth, not fixed traits. Research by Carol Dweck shows that praising children for their innate intelligence or abilities can actually undermine their motivation and performance. Instead, praise should focus on effort, strategies, and progress.

Encourage a growth mindset. By emphasizing that abilities can be developed through hard work and perseverance, parents help children develop a growth mindset. This belief that they can improve through effort leads to greater resilience and willingness to take on challenges.

Be specific in praise. Rather than generic compliments, offer specific feedback on:

• The strategies used to solve a problem
• The effort put into a task
• Improvements made over time
• The process of learning and discovery

This type of praise helps children understand what actions and approaches lead to success, encouraging them to replicate these behaviors in the future.

5. Allow children to manage their own social relationships and conflicts

"Squabbles are opportunities to be valued, not emergencies to be managed."

Resist the urge to intervene. When children face social conflicts, parents often want to step in and solve the problem. However, these situations provide valuable opportunities for children to develop social skills and emotional intelligence.

Teach conflict resolution skills. Instead of solving conflicts for children, teach them strategies to handle disagreements:

• Using "I" statements to express feelings
• Active listening
• Brainstorming solutions
• Compromising

Encourage empathy and perspective-taking. Help children understand others' points of view and emotions. This skill is crucial for building positive relationships and navigating social situations throughout life.

Support, but don't rescue. Be available to listen and offer guidance, but allow children to work through social challenges on their own. This approach helps them build confidence in their ability to handle interpersonal relationships.

6. Sports should focus on learning and enjoyment, not just winning

"Sports should be the place and time to experience disappointment and failure in a lower-stakes environment, a brief window of time to lay down the foundation our children will need in order to grow into adults of character."

Emphasize personal growth. Encourage children to focus on improving their own skills and performance rather than constantly comparing themselves to others. This approach fosters intrinsic motivation and a love for the sport.

Value effort and sportsmanship. Praise children for their hard work, teamwork, and good sportsmanship, regardless of the game's outcome. This helps build character and resilience that extend beyond sports.

Allow for failure and learning. Resist the urge to criticize or overanalyze every mistake. Instead, help children reflect on what they can learn from losses and setbacks. This approach teaches valuable life skills such as perseverance and adaptability.

Keep perspective. Remember that youth sports should be about:

• Developing physical skills
• Learning to work as a team
• Building self-confidence
• Enjoying physical activity
• Learning how to handle both success and failure gracefully

By maintaining this broader perspective, parents can help ensure that sports remain a positive and enriching experience for their children.

7. Middle school is prime time for developing executive function skills

"Middle school demands feats of organization, planning, time management, and shifts of focus that young adolescents are not capable of mastering, at least not all at once."

Understand the challenges. Middle school students are dealing with significant physical, emotional, and cognitive changes. Their brains are still developing, particularly in areas related to executive function skills such as planning, organization, and self-control.

Provide structure and support. While it's important to encourage independence, middle schoolers still need guidance. Help them develop systems for:

• Managing homework and long-term projects
• Organizing school materials
• Planning their time
• Setting and working towards goals

Allow for natural consequences. When students forget assignments or miss deadlines, resist the urge to rescue them. These experiences, while potentially uncomfortable, provide valuable lessons in responsibility and time management.

Encourage self-reflection. Help students analyze their successes and failures. Questions to ask:

• What strategies worked well?
• What could be improved next time?
• How can you plan better for similar situations in the future?

This process helps students develop metacognition and self-awareness, crucial skills for academic and personal success.

8. High school and college are opportunities for increasing independence

"Certainly, once students are in high school they should be completely in charge of their schedules and the requisite school obligations and details."

Gradually increase responsibility. As children progress through high school, they should take on more responsibility for their education and daily lives. This might include:

• Managing their own schedules and extracurricular activities
• Communicating directly with teachers about academic concerns
• Making decisions about course selection and college applications

Encourage self-advocacy. Teach teenagers to speak up for themselves and solve their own problems. This skill will be crucial in college and beyond.

Prepare for college independence. Before students leave for college:

• Ensure they can manage basic life skills (laundry, budgeting, etc.)
• Discuss how to handle common college challenges
• Establish expectations for communication and support from home

Allow for mistakes. College is a time for young adults to learn from their own decisions and experiences. Resist the urge to constantly check in or solve problems for them. Instead, be a supportive listener and guide when needed.

9. Homework should be the child's responsibility, not the parent's

"Homework is your child's job, not yours."

Establish clear expectations. Make it clear that completing homework is the child's responsibility. Parents can provide support and resources, but should not do the work for the child.

Create a conducive environment. Help children establish a regular homework routine by:

• Designating a quiet, well-lit study area
• Setting a consistent homework time
• Ensuring necessary supplies are available

Offer support, not solutions. If a child is struggling with homework:

• Ask guiding questions to help them think through the problem
• Encourage them to use resources (textbooks, online materials)
• Suggest they reach out to the teacher for clarification if needed

Use homework as a learning opportunity. Beyond academic content, homework can teach valuable skills such as:

• Time management
• Organization
• Self-discipline
• Problem-solving

By allowing children to manage their own homework, parents help them develop these crucial life skills.

10. Grades are not a measure of a child's worth or potential

"Grades are not a measure of our children's worth, and often they are not even an accurate measure of their ability."

Focus on learning, not just grades. Encourage children to value the process of learning and skill development over simply achieving high grades. This approach fosters intrinsic motivation and a love of learning.

Understand what grades represent. Grades often reflect factors beyond just knowledge, such as:

• Ability to follow instructions
• Time management skills
• Test-taking abilities
• Compliance with school expectations

Encourage a growth mindset. Help children see grades as feedback on their current performance, not a fixed measure of their abilities. Discuss how they can improve and learn from both successes and setbacks.

Look beyond grades for success indicators. Consider other measures of a child's growth and potential:

• Effort and perseverance
• Creativity and critical thinking
• Social and emotional skills
• Pursuit of personal interests and passions

By taking a holistic view of a child's development, parents can help their children build self-esteem and motivation based on a broad range of strengths and accomplishments.

Last updated: January 23, 2025