Have a New Sex Life by Friday

1. Understand the Fundamental Differences Between Men and Women

God Almighty certainly had a sense of humor when he created men and women as polar opposites, didn’t he?

Vive la Différence! Men and women are wired fundamentally differently, impacting everything from how they process language and emotions to what they focus on and the risks they take. Recognizing and appreciating these differences is key to a thriving marriage, rather than letting them cause frustration. Men tend to be more single-focused and problem-solvers, while women are often better multitaskers and relationship-oriented.

Brain wiring matters. Male brains primarily activate the left hemisphere for language and tasks, making them efficient at focusing on one thing. Female brains activate both hemispheres, enabling stronger language skills and multitasking abilities. This difference explains why women often navigate relationally ("Turn right at McDonald's") and men spatially ("Go east one block").

Different priorities. Men often focus on the present and future, driven by competition and accomplishment ("I" language). Women tend to focus on the past and present, prioritizing relationships and collaboration ("we" language). Understanding these innate tendencies helps bridge potential misunderstandings and allows couples to leverage their complementary strengths.

2. Women Need Affection, Communication, and Commitment to Desire Sex

Sex is not centered on a woman’s vagina. It begins in her heart, through her husband’s care for her and his understanding of what she thinks and how she feels.

Heart leads to heat. For women, sexual desire is deeply intertwined with emotional connection and feeling cherished. Affection (non-sexual touch, thoughtful gestures), open communication, and a husband's visible commitment to the family are the primary drivers of a woman's desire. These acts build trust and warmth, creating an atmosphere conducive to intimacy.

Foreplay starts early. A woman's "foreplay" often begins hours before the bedroom. A husband helping with chores, listening attentively, or sending a thoughtful text throughout the day deposits affection in her "love bank." When she feels valued and supported in the everyday tasks of life, she is much more likely to feel desired and desire her husband sexually.

Beyond physical touch. While physical affection is important, it's the consistent demonstration of care and partnership that truly ignites a woman's desire. Knowing her husband sees her, appreciates her efforts, and is actively involved in their shared life makes her feel safe, loved, and eager for deeper connection, including sexual intimacy.

3. Men Need to Feel Wanted, Needed, and Respected to Thrive

What does a man want the most? To be wanted, needed, and respected—in that order.

Masculine core needs. Men are driven by a fundamental need to feel desired by their wives, essential to their families, and respected for their efforts and abilities. Meeting these needs is crucial "foreplay" for a man, making him feel like a hero and motivating him to invest deeply in the relationship and family.

Show him he's your hero. A wife showing enthusiasm for sex, expressing her desire for him physically, and initiating intimacy makes a man feel wanted. Asking for his help with problems (even small ones like finding the mustard) makes him feel needed and allows him to use his problem-solving skills. Expressing appreciation for his hard work and respecting his decisions makes him feel respected.

Simple yet profound. While women's needs are complex and relational, men's core needs are more straightforward. A wife who understands and consistently meets these needs will have a husband who is not only sexually fulfilled but also deeply committed, supportive, and eager to please her in return, creating a powerful positive feedback loop in the marriage.

4. Your Past (and Parents) Are in Your Bedroom

Your book is called My Sexual Rulebook, and it’s unique to you.

Unseen influences. Everyone carries an invisible "Sexual Rulebook" shaped by childhood experiences, family dynamics, and past relationships. This rulebook dictates comfort levels with intimacy, expectations of a partner, and responses to sexual situations. Parents' attitudes towards sex, affection, and gender roles significantly impact this rulebook.

Family of origin patterns. How parents treated each other and their children (authoritarian, permissive, authoritative) influences how individuals relate in marriage. Unresolved issues from childhood, such as feeling unnoticed, criticized, or betrayed, can manifest as difficulties with vulnerability, trust, or expressing needs in the marital bedroom.

Prior experiences matter. Past sexual experiences, whether positive or traumatic (abuse, casual encounters), leave imprints that affect current intimacy. Images or feelings from the past can intrude during sex. Openly discussing (without excessive detail) how past experiences shape current feelings and working together to build trust and safety is essential to reclaiming intimacy.

5. Identify and Remove the "Elephants" Killing Intimacy

What are the five greatest killers of a healthy sex life? Unresolved conflict, hygiene, fatigue, a lack of affection and romance, and a lack of caring words.

Intruders in the bed. Several common issues act as "elephants on the couch," taking up space and stifling intimacy. These aren't always obvious but significantly impact a couple's connection and sex life. Ignoring them allows resentment and distance to grow.

Key intimacy killers:

• Unresolved conflict: Lingering arguments or resentments create emotional distance.
• Hygiene: Poor personal cleanliness is a major turn-off.
• Fatigue: Exhaustion, especially for multitasking women, diminishes desire.
• Lack of affection/romance: Absence of non-sexual touch and thoughtful gestures starves the relationship.
• Lack of caring words: Criticism and unkindness erode the foundation of love and respect.

Address them directly. These issues must be identified and addressed openly and kindly. For example, a husband helping with chores combats fatigue and shows affection, while a wife expressing appreciation combats a lack of caring words. Removing these "elephants" clears the way for warmth, connection, and sexual desire to flourish.

6. Master the Art of Gender-Specific Communication

Men use grunts; women craft paragraphs.

Different communication languages. Men and women communicate in fundamentally different ways. Men tend to be concise, problem-focused, and use fewer words ("grunt" language), while women are more verbose, relational, and process emotions through talking ("paragraph" language). This difference can lead to misunderstandings if not understood and navigated.

Talking so he'll listen. Women can improve communication with men by being direct, stating needs clearly, and providing highlights rather than extensive detail. Avoiding nagging and presenting requests as opportunities for him to be her hero (problem-solver, helper) is highly effective. Men respond well to straightforward requests and appreciate not having to guess what their wives want.

Listening so she'll feel heard. Men can improve communication with women by actively listening, making eye contact, and showing empathy rather than immediately jumping to problem-solving. Women often just need to feel heard and understood. Reserving energy after work to engage in conversation, even when tired, shows her she is a priority.

7. Words Are Powerful Tools for Making Love

Words are powerful. They can tear apart relationships, build relationships, and repair relationships.

Words shape intimacy. The language used daily between spouses profoundly impacts their emotional connection and, consequently, their sex life. Caring, affirming words build trust and desire, while critical or dismissive words erode intimacy and create distance.

Building with words. Using words to express appreciation, admiration, and desire outside the bedroom sets the stage for intimacy within it. Telling your spouse what you love about them, complimenting their appearance, or simply saying "I love you" throughout the day nourishes the relationship.

Repairing with words. When conflicts arise, using phrases like "I'm sorry," "I was wrong," and "Please forgive me" is crucial for repairing emotional damage. Honest, kind communication, even about difficult topics, strengthens the bond and prevents resentment from becoming an "elephant" in the bedroom.

8. Spice Up Your Sex Life with Variety and Creativity

Marital intimacy needs some spice too.

Routine breeds boredom. Predictability can lead to a mundane sex life. Introducing variety in location, timing, positions, and foreplay keeps things exciting and prevents boredom. While men often prefer routine, women thrive on variety, making experimentation beneficial for both.

Shake up the pattern. Break free from the "same time, same place, same way" routine. Try sex in different rooms of the house, at different times of day (morning quickies, afternoon delights), or in new positions. Even small changes, like using candles or different sheets, can create a new ambiance.

Explore together. Experimentation should be a mutual, comfortable process. Discuss what you'd like to try and be open to your spouse's suggestions. Exploring different types of foreplay, incorporating senses (scents, tastes), or even trying oral sex (if mutually agreeable) can add significant zest and pleasure.

9. Making Love Involves Your Whole Self, Not Just Genitals

But frankly, your penis is the last thing you should make love with.

Beyond penetration. Satisfying sex is not solely about intercourse or climax. It's a holistic experience involving emotional connection, physical touch beyond the genitals, and mutual pleasure. For women, climax often requires direct clitoral stimulation, highlighting the importance of diverse foreplay.

Use your whole body. Men should utilize fingers, tongues, lips, and other body parts in foreplay to fully engage their wives' bodies, as the clitoris is part of a larger, sensitive structure. Women can guide their husbands' hands and communicate what feels good.

Mutual exploration. Both partners should feel comfortable exploring their own bodies (masturbation, if used to understand personal pleasure for the benefit of the spouse) and each other's. The goal is mutual satisfaction and deeper connection, not just simultaneous climax or a checklist item.

10. Prioritize Your Marriage Above All Else

This relationship deserves your best; your spouse deserves your best.

Marriage as the foundation. A strong, intimate marriage is the bedrock of a happy life and family. It requires consistent effort, intentionality, and prioritizing the relationship above work, children, hobbies, or outside influences.

Affair-proofing your marriage. A vibrant sex life and deep emotional intimacy are powerful deterrents to affairs. When spouses feel wanted, needed, respected, and cherished by each other, they are less vulnerable to seeking connection elsewhere.

Invest daily. Building a new sex life by Friday is a jump-start, but maintaining it requires ongoing investment. This means continuing to understand and meet each other's needs, communicating openly, addressing conflicts swiftly, and consistently choosing to love and serve one another.

Last updated: July 5, 2025