How to Be an Adult in Relationships

1. Mindful Love: The Five A's as Cornerstones

Intimacy, at its best, means giving and receiving the five A’s, the joys and wealth of relationship.

The Five A's Defined. The core of mindful loving lies in the Five A's: Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, and Allowing. These elements are not just nice-to-haves but essential for building healthy, fulfilling relationships. They serve as the building blocks for self-esteem, intimacy, and compassion, echoing our earliest needs and guiding our spiritual growth.

Practical Application. In practice, the Five A's translate into active listening, non-judgmental understanding, expressing gratitude, showing physical and emotional warmth, and respecting individual autonomy. For example, giving attention means truly focusing on your partner's words and feelings, not just waiting for your turn to speak. Allowing means supporting their choices, even when you disagree.

Spiritual Significance. The Five A's are not merely interpersonal tools but also spiritual practices. They reflect an alert witnessing of reality without judgment, attachment, fear, expectation, defensiveness, bias, or control. By cultivating these qualities, we become more adept at granting love to everyone, including ourselves, fostering a deeper connection to the world around us.

2. Childhood Echoes: How the Past Shapes Present Relationships

Our early experience forms or deforms our adult relationships.

The Impact of Early Experiences. Our childhood experiences, particularly our relationships with our parents, profoundly influence our adult relationships. Early injuries, such as neglect, inhibition, or abuse, can create patterns of behavior that hinder intimacy and create conflict. However, these experiences don't have to define us.

Reframing the Past. It's not as important what happened to us in childhood as how we hold it now. By mourning the past and diminishing its impact on our present lives, we can maintain our boundaries while still bonding closely to a partner. This involves identifying, processing, and resolving emotional blocks and problems.

The Role of the Five A's. The Five A's play a crucial role in healing childhood wounds. When we receive attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing in our adult relationships, it can repair, restore, and renovate an inadequate past. This allows us to receive love without craving more and more, leading to a sense of self-sufficiency and the ability to love others intimately.

3. Ego's Grip: Recognizing and Releasing Control

Through compassionate mindfulness we become adept at granting the essential components of love to everyone—even to ourselves.

The Tyranny of Ego. The ego, with its desires, fears, expectations, and need for control, often sabotages our relationships. It creates arrogance, entitlement, attachment, and the need to control other people, frightening intimacy away and menacing our self-esteem. Dismantling this neurotic ego is a spiritual task that requires letting go of fear and grasping.

Mindfulness as a Tool. Mindfulness, an alert witnessing of reality without judgment, is a fast track to successful love. It allows us to become present to others purely, without the buffers of the neurotic ego. We simply stay with someone as they are, noticing, not judging, putting space around an event rather than crowding it with our own beliefs, fears, and judgments.

The Path to Intimacy. Mindfulness leads to intimacy, the mutual egoless gift of love. Couples with a spiritual practice have a greater serenity in their life together and increase their chances for happiness and longevity in their relationships. By letting go of ego, we create space for compassion, understanding, and genuine connection to flourish.

4. The Dance of Fear: Navigating Engulfment and Abandonment

We are all in intense love relationships from birth onward.

Two Core Fears. Two fundamental fears often plague relationships: engulfment and abandonment. The fear of engulfment is the fear of losing oneself in the relationship, of being smothered or controlled. The fear of abandonment is the fear of being left alone, of not being able to survive without the other person.

The Impact on Behavior. These fears manifest in different ways. Those who fear engulfment may distance themselves, create rigid boundaries, or avoid intimacy altogether. Those who fear abandonment may cling, become overly dependent, or tolerate abuse in an attempt to keep the other person from leaving.

Finding Balance. The key to navigating these fears is to find a balance between closeness and autonomy. This involves setting healthy boundaries, communicating needs and desires openly, and trusting that the relationship can withstand periods of distance and conflict. Mindfulness helps us to recognize and manage these fears, allowing us to move closer to our partner without losing ourselves.

5. Conflict as Catalyst: Transforming Discord into Deeper Connection

What seems to be in the way is the way.

Conflict as Opportunity. Conflict is an inevitable part of any close relationship. However, it's not something to be avoided but rather an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. By working through conflicts constructively, we can learn more about ourselves, our partners, and the dynamics of our relationship.

The Importance of Communication. Effective communication is essential for navigating conflict. This involves expressing feelings honestly, listening actively, and seeking to understand the other person's perspective. It also means avoiding blame, criticism, and defensiveness.

From Conflict to Commitment. When conflicts are resolved with mutual respect and a commitment to finding solutions that work for both partners, it strengthens the bond and deepens the level of trust. This process transforms discord into a more mature and enduring love.

6. The Alchemy of Self: Turning Wounds into Wisdom

Every disruption, interruption, and failure at empathic attunement from our parents helps us gain the power to face the future, with all its separations, disappointments, and defeats.

Wounds as Portals. Our deepest wounds can become our greatest sources of strength and wisdom. By facing our pain, acknowledging our vulnerabilities, and learning from our mistakes, we can transform ourselves into more compassionate, resilient, and authentic individuals.

The Power of Self-Compassion. Self-compassion is essential for healing. This involves treating ourselves with the same kindness, understanding, and acceptance that we would offer to a dear friend. It means recognizing that we are all imperfect beings doing the best we can.

From Pain to Purpose. By embracing our wounds, we can discover our unique gifts and talents. We can use our experiences to help others who are struggling with similar challenges. This process transforms personal pain into a source of healing and inspiration for the world.

7. Commitment Deepens: From Romance to Enduring Love

A solid bond in a relationship—as in religious faith—endures despite the impact of events, so our resistance is the only obstacle to the growth that can emerge from pain.

Beyond the Initial Spark. Romance is a beautiful and exciting phase of a relationship, but it's not sustainable in the long term. Enduring love requires a deeper commitment, one that goes beyond physical attraction and shared interests.

The Essence of Commitment. Commitment involves a conscious choice to stay together, to work through challenges, and to support each other's growth. It's a decision to prioritize the relationship, even when it's difficult or inconvenient.

The Rewards of Commitment. As commitment deepens, the relationship becomes a source of strength, stability, and joy. It provides a safe haven where we can be ourselves, share our vulnerabilities, and pursue our dreams. This enduring love is a testament to the power of human connection and the potential for lasting happiness.

8. When Love Ends: Grieving with Grace and Moving Forward

We become whole through relationships and through letting go of relationships.

The Inevitability of Endings. All relationships, in some form, come to an end. Whether through separation, divorce, or death, endings are a natural part of life. The key is to navigate these endings with grace, compassion, and a commitment to personal growth.

The Grieving Process. Grieving the end of a relationship is a necessary process. It involves acknowledging the pain, allowing ourselves to feel the emotions, and gradually letting go of the attachment. This process can be challenging, but it's essential for healing and moving forward.

Moving On with Wisdom. The end of a relationship is not a failure but an opportunity for growth. By reflecting on the experience, learning from our mistakes, and embracing the future with hope, we can emerge stronger, wiser, and more prepared for future relationships. This involves self-reflection, therapy, and support from friends and family.

Last updated: March 2, 2025