How to Raise Kids Who Aren't Assholes

1. Children see race and develop biases early; parents must address it

"Research strongly contradicts this widespread assumption. Perhaps the most important thing I can convey to you is that kids do see race, even if you don't think they do."

Colorblind parenting backfires. Studies show that children as young as three months can discern racial differences, and by preschool many have already developed racial biases. When parents avoid discussing race, hoping children won't notice differences, kids are left to draw their own often-biased conclusions based on what they observe in society.

Have explicit conversations about race. Parents should proactively discuss racial differences, racism, and discrimination with children starting at a young age. Use books, media, and real-life examples as conversation starters. Explain unfairness in society while highlighting diversity as something to celebrate. Expose children to people from various backgrounds and cultures.

Model anti-racism. Parents must examine their own biases and actively work to dismantle racist thinking. Take concrete actions like:

• Supporting businesses owned by people of color
• Attending cultural events and protests
• Speaking up against racism when you encounter it
• Diversifying your own social circles

2. Teach kids about emotions, boundaries, and consent from a young age

"We need to actively challenge these notions with what we say and do. This doesn't mean you need to be constantly doting on your kid or telling her she's amazing. But every so often, stop and think about your interactions and whether they communicate your unconditional love."

Validate emotions. When children express big feelings, acknowledge and name those emotions. This builds emotional intelligence and shows kids that all feelings are acceptable, even if certain behaviors are not. Use phrases like "You seem really frustrated right now" or "I can see you're feeling disappointed."

Discuss body autonomy. Teach children that their body belongs to them and they get to decide who touches it. This includes:

• Not forcing kids to hug or kiss relatives
• Asking for permission before touching them (e.g. "Is it okay if I give you a hug?")
• Explaining that no one should touch their private parts without permission
• Respecting when they say "no" to physical contact

Introduce consent early. Frame consent as respecting others' boundaries and choices. Practice asking for and giving permission in everyday situations. Explain that consent:

• Must be enthusiastic and freely given
• Can be revoked at any time
• Is needed for each new activity
• Cannot be given when intoxicated

3. Praise effort, not innate ability, to foster growth mindset and resilience

"When we understand how kids' brains develop, why they do the things they do, and how to best communicate with them, we can provide our children with the tools and coping strategies they need to gracefully and compassionately handle what the world throws at them."

Avoid labeling kids as "smart" or "talented." This can lead children to:

• Avoid challenges for fear of failure
• Give up easily when things get difficult
• Lie to preserve their "smart" image
• Feel shame when they struggle

Focus praise on process and effort. Highlight specific actions and strategies children use. For example:

• "I love how you kept trying different approaches to solve that problem."
• "You worked so hard practicing that piece. Your perseverance really paid off!"
• "I noticed you asked for help when you got stuck. That's a great strategy!"

Teach that abilities can be developed. Explain to kids that the brain is like a muscle that grows stronger with exercise. Introduce the word "yet" to reframe struggles:

• "You don't know how to do this yet, but you're learning."
• "This is challenging for you right now, but with practice you'll improve."

4. Allow kids to experience failure and frame it as a learning opportunity

"Don't get in the way of your kids learning something, because learning builds competence. That's where self-esteem comes from—it comes from being capable of doing things."

Resist the urge to overprotect. Constantly shielding kids from failure or disappointment:

• Robs them of chances to develop problem-solving skills
• Undermines their confidence in their own abilities
• Doesn't prepare them for real-world challenges

Help kids process setbacks. When children struggle or fail:

1. Validate their emotions ("I know you're feeling really disappointed")
2. Help them identify what went wrong ("What do you think happened?")
3. Brainstorm strategies for next time ("What could you try differently?")
4. Emphasize that failure is part of learning ("Everyone makes mistakes as they learn")

Encourage appropriate risk-taking. Support kids in trying new things, even if they might not succeed at first. This builds resilience and teaches that effort and practice lead to improvement. Examples:

• Trying out for a sports team or play
• Taking on a challenging school project
• Learning a new skill or hobby

5. Be a mentor, not just a monitor, for screen time and technology use

"Rather than monitoring or limiting your kids' technology use, be a mentor instead."

Engage with media together. Instead of just restricting screen time:

• Watch shows and play games with your kids
• Discuss the content you consume together
• Help them interpret and critically evaluate media messages

Teach digital literacy skills. Guide children in navigating the online world safely and responsibly:

• How to protect their privacy and personal information
• Ways to identify reliable vs. unreliable information sources
• The permanence of what they post online
• Appropriate online behavior and communication

Model healthy tech habits. Children learn from what we do more than what we say:

• Put your own devices away during family time
• Talk about how you use technology productively
• Demonstrate setting boundaries around device use

6. Have ongoing conversations about sex, relationships, and pornography

"By raising our kids to be kind, we'll ensure that they thrive. And they'll build a better, fairer, stronger world in the process."

Start early with age-appropriate information. Use correct anatomical terms for body parts from a young age. Answer questions honestly as they arise. Build on information gradually as children grow, rather than having one big "talk."

Discuss healthy relationships and consent. Go beyond just biology to talk about:

• What respectful partnerships look like
• How to communicate boundaries and desires
• The importance of mutual pleasure and enthusiasm
• Warning signs of abusive or coercive behavior

Address pornography proactively. By the time they're teens, most kids will have been exposed to porn. Have frank discussions about:

• How porn differs from real-life sex and relationships
• The potential harms of porn consumption
• Critical media literacy skills for interpreting sexual content
• Healthy ways to explore sexuality and relationships

7. Use authoritative parenting: Set clear boundaries with warmth and reasoning

"When we parent too harshly, on the other hand, we might inadvertently spark an ongoing spiral of punishment, anger, and rejection, which could cause kids to act out more, rather than less."

Balance warmth and structure. Authoritative parenting combines:

• High expectations and clear rules
• Explanations for those rules
• Flexibility and willingness to negotiate
• Emotional responsiveness and support

Use natural consequences. When possible, let the results of children's choices teach them, rather than imposing arbitrary punishments. For example:

• If they refuse to wear a coat, they'll feel cold outside
• If they don't do homework, their grades will suffer
• If they're mean to friends, those friends may not want to play

Involve kids in problem-solving. When issues arise, engage children in finding solutions:

1. Define the problem clearly
2. Brainstorm possible solutions together
3. Evaluate the pros and cons of each option
4. Choose a solution to try
5. Follow up to see how it's working

8. Foster sibling relationships through mediation, not arbitration

"Ultimately, these experiences can teach kids that coercion and bullying are the best ways to resolve problems—not exactly the conclusion you want them to draw."

Don't ignore fights or play judge. When siblings argue:

• Staying out of it entirely teaches that might makes right
• Taking sides breeds resentment and further conflict

Use mediation techniques:

1. Stop the conflict and help kids calm down
2. Have each child explain their perspective
3. Help them identify the core issue
4. Guide them in brainstorming fair solutions
5. Let them choose and implement a solution

Teach conflict resolution skills. Give siblings tools to work things out on their own:

• Using "I" statements to express feelings
• Active listening and repeating back what they heard
• Compromising and taking turns
• Apologizing and making amends when they've hurt someone

9. Model and encourage kindness, generosity, and prosocial behavior

"Being kind and helpful also reduces symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress and causes people to feel more energetic in what is known as a 'helper's high.'"

Create opportunities to help others. Involve kids in:

• Volunteer work in the community
• Donating toys or clothes they've outgrown
• Helping neighbors or family members in need
• Participating in charitable fundraisers

Praise specific acts of kindness. When you notice your child being kind or helpful, point it out:

• "I saw how you helped your little brother tie his shoes. That was very thoughtful."
• "Thank you for offering to share your snack with your friend. That was generous of you."

Discuss the impact of kind actions. Help kids understand how their behavior affects others:

• "How do you think your friend felt when you comforted her?"
• "Imagine how much easier grandma's day will be now that we helped clean her house."

10. Address gender stereotypes and promote equality at home

"We don't want them to implicitly accept what they see as the way things have to be or always will be."

Challenge stereotypes in media and daily life. Point out and discuss gender biases in books, TV shows, advertisements, etc. Ask questions like:

• "Why do you think all the scientists in this show are men?"
• "Do you think only girls can like that toy/color/activity?"

Encourage diverse interests and skills. Expose all children, regardless of gender, to a wide range of:

• Toys and play activities
• Household chores and responsibilities
• Future career possibilities
• Emotional expression and coping strategies

Model gender equality. Kids learn from what they see at home:

• Share household and childcare duties equitably
• Show respect for your partner and their contributions
• Demonstrate that all types of work and interests have value
• Express a full range of emotions, regardless of your gender

Last updated: December 3, 2024