Living Beyond Your Feelings

1. Feelings are Strong, but You Are Stronger: Don't Let Emotions Rule

The main theme of this book is that although feelings can be very strong and demanding, we do not have to let them rule our lives.

Feelings are waves. Emotions are ever-changing and often fluctuate without warning. It's tempting to let them dictate our actions, but true strength lies in choosing our response, regardless of how we feel. This is about recognizing that you have free will and can make decisions that are not based on feelings.

Obedience over emotion. Living a good life involves obedience to God's way of being and doing. While feelings are neither good nor evil, they are unstable and must be managed. Like a parent controlling a child, we must parent our emotions, training them to serve us rather than becoming their slave.

Master your emotions. This book is for those ready to master their emotions, understanding that controlling them is more important than merely understanding them. Make a decision that you will no longer let your feelings control you. You can have victory rather than being a victim.

2. Know Thyself: Understanding Your Emotional Triggers and Personality

One of the most valuable things in life is to know yourself.

Emotional days. We all have days when we feel more emotional than others, and there may be many reasons why. Perhaps you didn’t sleep well the night before, or you ate something that lowered your blood sugar or that you were allergic to. The occasional emotional day is something we don’t have to be too concerned about.

Four personality types. People tend to be very different from one another in how they act and respond to particular situations. This has been studied in depth, and four basic personality types have been identified: sanguine, choleric, phlegmatic, and melancholy. While we all possess elements of more than one of these personality types, most people have a dominant type that is prevalent in their personality.

New person in Christ. Whatever your personality type, remember that you are now a new person in Christ. God gives us the ability to get along if we are willing to learn about our differences and show real love to one another. Many of the answers to the “why?” questions in life are found in simply understanding more about yourself.

3. Talk It Out, But Wisely: Choosing the Right Confidant

We all have an inbred desire to tell someone how we feel, but telling the wrong person only makes our problems worse.

Complaining is a sin. Talking excessively about a situation can easily drift into complaining, and that is a sin. God is infinitely good, and He expects us to remain thankful even in the midst of difficulty of any kind. It may not be easy, but He expects it nonetheless.

Right person. In our quest to talk to someone about what is upsetting us, we need to be careful not to move into complaining or to make the mistake of talking to the wrong person. If you really just need to vent in a healthy way and perhaps want a good friend to pray for you, then I suggest choosing a trusted friend, family member, or spiritual leader.

Talk to God. Talking to a counselor can be a good thing, but never forget that the absolute best person to talk to is God. We don’t have to deny that our emotions exist, but we must not let them control us. Our emotions don’t need to control our decisions.

4. Secrets Make You Sick: The Power of Truth and Authenticity

Always remember that the truth will make you free.

Double life. Many people, especially those in the public eye, can easily develop a habit of living a double life. They try to be what everyone wants them to be and yet deep inside they want privacy and the freedom to just be themselves. Don’t develop a plastic life and be filled with secrets that are making you sick just to meet people’s expectations.

Honesty with God. There are some things you should keep between you and God, but some things must be brought out into the open. If God tells you to bring something out into the open or confront a situation from your past, be obedient to Him. He is letting you know this issue is holding you back from His best for you.

Emotional stability. Emotional stability comes through learning to live truthfully. Having an intimate relationship with God means that you can and should talk to Him openly and honestly about anything and everything. The more you talk to God, the better off you are.

5. Emotions Are Unreliable: Act on Principles, Not Feelings

You can feel wrong and still do what is right.

Emotions move us. Emotions are powerful, and sometimes we feel overpowered by them. According to Webster’s, the root source of the word emotion is the Latin ex-movere, meaning “to move away.” And that is exactly what emotions do. They move up from somewhere deep within us and then they move out and pressure us to follow them.

Feelings don't need permission. Our emotions tend to ebb and flow like ocean waves. It would be so nice if they would just ask permission to come or go, but they don’t. They just do their own thing, and without any warning. Wishing our emotions were different won’t change a thing, so we need to do more than wish.

Don't let emotions vote. Learn not to ask yourself how you feel about things, but instead ask yourself if doing or not doing something is right for you. You may know that you need to do something, but you don’t feel like doing it at all. You can wish you felt like it, but as we discussed already, wishing does no good.

6. Balance is Key: Taming Excessive or Minimal Emotions

I have learned in life that if I wall others out, I also wall myself in, and I lose my freedom.

Emotionless people. We have been talking mainly about people who have lots of feelings and live by them, but have you ever met someone and thought, Do you even have a pulse? There are people who don’t seem to feel much of anything. In some ways life is easier for them, but cold emotion must be controlled the same as excessive emotion.

Numbing the pain. Many people who seem to be cold and emotionless have merely developed ways to numb their pain. They may have become masters at isolation. They feel safe only when they are not involved with anyone. After all, they cannot get into trouble or face rejection if they do nothing and say nothing.

Love demands change. Love demands that we all be willing to grow and change. That process is a bit more difficult for people who are more laid-back and easygoing. Changing takes work, and sometimes they just don’t want to make the effort or even see the need.

7. React Wisely: Managing Emotional Responses to Life's Challenges

Readily adjust yourself to [people, things] and give yourselves to humble tasks.

Change is inevitable. Everything changes except God, and letting all the changes in our lives upset us won’t keep them from occurring. People change, circumstances change, our bodies change, our desires and passions change. One certainty in life is change.

Disappointment happens. Disappointment occurs when our plans are thwarted by something we had no control over. We can be disappointed by unpleasant circumstances or by people who let us down. We may feel disappointment with God when we’ve been expecting Him to do something and He doesn’t.

Learn to wait well. If you have not developed patience, then having to wait may bring out the worst in you. The Vines Greek Dictionary states that patience is a fruit of the Spirit that grows only when we are subjected to trials. We would all like to be patient, but we don’t want to develop patience because that means behaving well while we are not getting what we want.

8. Thoughts Fuel Feelings: Control Your Mind, Control Your Mood

You, Who try the hearts and emotions and thinking powers, are a righteous God.

Thoughts and emotions linked. The psalmist David speaks about emotions and thoughts in the same sentence because they are intimately linked to each other. We must understand the power of thoughts in order to learn how to manage our emotions.

Talk yourself into success. Nobody is successful in any venture by just wishing they would be. Successful people make a plan and talk to themselves about that plan consistently. You can think things on purpose, and if you make what you think about what you want to do, your feelings may not like it, but they will go along.

Believe the best. The Bible teaches us to always believe the best of every person. If we let our thoughts lead us, they usually tend toward negativity. Sadly, the flesh without the influence of the Holy Spirit is dark and negative.

9. Words Have Power: Speak Life, Not Death

Words are containers for power, and as such they have a direct effect on our emotions.

Words fuel emotions. Words are fuel for emotions, just as thoughts are. As a matter of fact, our words give our thoughts verbal expression. It’s bad enough to think something negative, but verbalizing negativity makes it even worse.

Wise man's mouth. The Bible speaks of wise men and foolish men. It says that the fool’s mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare (trap) to him. A person would need to be foolish indeed to use her own mouth and words to ruin her own life, but people do it all the time.

Say it on purpose. There is a time to talk and a time to keep silent. Sometimes the best thing we can do is say nothing. When we do say something, it is wisdom to think first and be purposeful in what we say.

10. You Are in Control: Self-Discipline and Emotional Mastery

I am in control by being in control of myself.

Control yourself. It’s no wonder that we humans want to control things… there’s so much that’s out of our control. But unfortunately, rather than bothering to try to control ourselves, we usually try to control what we should not try to control.

Happiest when helping. The happiest people are those who help others. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. God gives us an ability to love others at all times, but this ability is developed only as we exercise it; and we all know that exercise requires discipline and self-control.

I want it! Although determination is a great asset and vital to success, it can be very unattractive and dangerous if it is rooted in fleshly, carnal passions rather than in God’s will. Cain, Balaam, and Korah all abandoned themselves to unbridled emotion for the sake of what they thought it would bring them, and their rebellion against God and the wisdom He had placed in them caused them to perish.

11. Anger Can Be Managed: Righteous vs. Sinful Anger

When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down.

Anger is harmful. The three most harmful negative emotions are anger, guilt, and fear. And anger is number one. It is also the strongest and most dangerous of all passions. When a crime is described as being one of passion, that means it was fueled by anger.

Is anger a sin? Not all anger is a sin, but some of it is. The Bible speaks of a righteous anger that even God Himself has. It is anger against sin, injustice, rebellion, pettiness, and other such things.

Repressed anger. Anger that is expressed inappropriately is a problem, but so is repressed anger. Anger that is stuffed inside and not dealt with properly will eventually come out one way or another. It may show up in depression, anxiety, rage, or any of a variety of other negative emotions—but it will come out.

12. Forgiveness is Freedom: Releasing Bitterness and Embracing Healing

Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive].

Hard to forgive. From Genesis to Revelation, we read of God’s forgiveness toward us and of our need to forgive others. It is one of the main themes of the Bible. We’re very eager to receive forgiveness, but we often find it extremely difficult to offer others the forgiveness that we have freely received from God.

Three things that help. The first thing that really helps me forgive is to remember that God forgives me for much more than I will ever have to forgive others for. The second thing that helps me forgive is to think of God’s mercy. The third thing that helps me forgive others is to remember that if I stay angry, I am giving Satan a foothold in my life.

It's time to decide. Nothing changes in our lives until we make a decision to act on the information we have. Believe the best of every person. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Imitate Jesus in showing mercy to people.

Last updated: April 15, 2025