Make Change That Lasts (B&W Illustrations)

1. Knowledge Alone Isn't Enough; Look Inside

Knowledge is not enough.

Beyond information. We live in an age of information overload, constantly seeking external facts and trends for self-improvement. However, knowing what to do (outsight) is often insufficient for making lasting change; we must also understand why we struggle (insight). Unhealthy habits are frequently symptoms of deeper, invisible problems within us.

Upstream causes. Our unwanted behaviors often serve as escapes from inner discomfort or unresolved issues. For example, overeating sugar might be a coping mechanism for a stressful job, or excessive alcohol consumption could mask relationship problems. Identifying these "upstream" causes requires turning our attention inward, like a thermostat that senses and adjusts, rather than just a thermometer that reads the external temperature.

Invisible reliances. We unconsciously rely on external conditions (like others' moods, traffic, or social media validation) to feel calm and happy. These "invisible reliances" tie us down, making us vulnerable when the uncontrollable external world doesn't meet our expectations. Recognizing these dependencies is the first step toward reducing them and gaining control over our internal state and behaviors.

2. Trust Yourself and Become Your Own Expert

You don’t have to do yoga – or anything else any expert insists you have to do.

Listen to your body. In a world saturated with expert opinions, we often outsource our well-being, ignoring the deep intelligence within our own bodies. Physical symptoms like pain or tension can be signals that something is wrong, but we've lost the ability to interpret these messages, much like tuning out birdsong. Learning to hear and understand our body's language is essential for thriving.

Beyond external advice. While experts can offer valuable insights, what works for one person may not work for another due to our unique genetics, experiences, and internal systems. Blindly following advice without considering our own response can lead to frustration and feeling like we are the problem when the advice doesn't yield results. We must become the world expert in ourselves by experimenting and observing our own reactions.

Cultivate inner awareness. Developing "interoception," our sixth sense for internal body signals, is crucial. Practices like meditation, breathwork, yoga, or journaling help us tune inward, noticing subtle changes and understanding our internal state. Consistent solitude practices build intuition, allowing us to trust our inner wisdom over the confusing barrage of external voices and data from trackers.

3. Give Up the Myth of Perfection and External Heroes

It never occurred to me that “perfect” could be a myth.

Idolizing illusions. We are biologically programmed to seek heroes to emulate, starting with our parents. In the modern world, media-created heroes (musicians, athletes, influencers) present polished, highlight-reel versions of themselves, hiding their struggles and flaws. This creates a false ideal of perfection that is impossible to achieve.

Perfectionism's price. Comparing our imperfect reality to these fictional avatars leads to feelings of inferiority and inadequacy. This fuels perfectionism, a toxic mindset linked to anxiety, depression, and self-harm. We stress ourselves trying to meet an impossible standard, often compensating with unhealthy habits, making ourselves sick in pursuit of a fictional idea of success.

Redefine heroism. True heroism isn't about flawless external achievement, but about embodying qualities like courage, grit, or kindness. Instead of worshipping external figures, identify the qualities you admire in them and recognize that you possess these qualities too, perhaps in smaller measure. Use your heroes as inspiration to develop these traits within yourself, celebrating your own small acts of heroism daily.

4. Break Reliance on Being Liked by Setting Boundaries

The cost of being liked by everyone is that we end up not liking ourselves.

People-pleasing trap. A deep-seated fear of social rejection, often rooted in childhood experiences, can lead to an unhealthy reliance on being liked by everyone. This results in people-pleasing behavior, where we constantly change who we are to fit in, sacrificing our authenticity and generating internal frustration and rage.

Authenticity over approval. Thriving requires being comfortable with who you are and expressing your true self, even if it means some people won't like you or agree with you. Charismatic individuals are often those who are unapologetically themselves. When we withhold our true selves, we deny others the "gift" of knowing us, hindering genuine connection and love.

Build healthy boundaries. Setting boundaries (emotional, physical, material, time) is essential for protecting our well-being and expressing our values. While it can feel uncomfortable initially and may cause friction, it's necessary for healthy relationships and self-respect. Failing to set boundaries leads to resentment, which can manifest as physical and mental health issues. Learning to say "no" respectfully is an act of self-care and empowers us to live in alignment with our values.

5. Embrace Discomfort to Build Resilience

You are capable of much more than you think.

Overdosing on comfort. The modern world's relentless pursuit of comfort and convenience has made us physically and psychologically weaker. Our bodies and minds evolved to handle daily challenges and scarcity, but now we avoid discomfort at all costs, leading to chronic diseases linked to sedentary lifestyles and a decreased ability to cope with stress.

Intentional challenge. To counteract this, we must intentionally seek out manageable discomfort. Practices like cold showers, fasting, challenging physical activities (running, swimming), learning new skills, or even just going outside in bad weather train our nervous system to handle stress. This builds resilience and sends a powerful signal to our brain that we are capable and can rely on ourselves.

Create discomfort rules. Relying on willpower alone to embrace discomfort is difficult because our brains are wired for ease. Establish simple, non-negotiable "discomfort rules" (e.g., always take the stairs, never eat after 7 pm, turn off phone an hour before bed). These automated choices reduce decision fatigue and make choosing discomfort the default, leading to increased resilience and a greater appreciation for comfort when we do indulge.

6. Let Go of the Need to Be Right and Take Less Offense

If our thoughts are toxic, our behaviors will be toxic as well.

Ego's defense. Taking offense stems from an arrogant reliance on our own perspective being the only valid one. It's a defense mechanism protecting a fragile identity built on always being right. When someone disagrees, it triggers our nervous system into a threat state, making us defensive, irrational, and hypervigilant, which is detrimental to our health and relationships.

Adopt a learner mindset. Free yourself from the need to be right by embracing curiosity and the possibility that you might be wrong. Instead of judging different viewpoints, try to understand what life experiences shaped them. This shifts you from a defensive stance to an open, empathetic one, reducing internal tension and allowing for more productive interactions.

Navigate with perspective. Practice using phrases like "I have a different perspective" instead of "You're wrong." This acknowledges the other person's reality without invalidating your own, fostering horizontal communication. Embrace saying "I don't know" – it builds trust and humility. Embody curiosity daily; it's a powerful antidote to taking offense and makes the world a calmer, friendlier place.

7. Expect Adversity and Factor in Life's "Shrinkage"

Successfully managed conflict is what makes you stronger.

The escalator myth. We often subconsciously believe life should be a steady, upward progression, like an escalator. This reliance on things never going wrong sets us up for disappointment, frustration, and a victim mindset when inevitable setbacks occur. Progress, whether in health, relationships, or skills, is nonlinear, with ups and downs.

Factor in shrinkage. Just as businesses account for inevitable losses ("shrinkage"), we must expect adversity in life – illness, conflict, failure, loss. Accepting this reality allows us to handle challenges more healthily, seeing them as inevitable parts of the journey rather than personal injustices. This shifts our mindset from victim to victor, building resilience.

Reframe complaints. Complaining is a signal of reliance on the escalator myth. It reinforces the idea that life isn't going our way and drains our energy and relationships. Practice reframing complaints as either moments of gratitude (recognizing things could be worse) or calls to action (empowering yourself to change the situation). Adversity, including conflict in relationships, when managed well, is what ultimately makes us stronger and more appreciative of the good times.

8. Let Go of the Past and Move On Through Forgiveness

Without forgiveness there is no future.

Past as a crutch. Holding onto past traumas, resentments, or limiting stories (like "I'm not a morning person" or identifying solely with an illness) can become an invisible reliance. These narratives, while sometimes generating pity or comfort, trap us, prevent growth, and can contribute to physical and mental health issues by keeping our nervous system in a state of threat.

You are not your past. Your identity and potential are not defined by the worst things that happened to you or the mistakes you made. Over-identifying with a "harm narrative" gives away your power to the people or events that hurt you. Letting go is not about condoning past actions but about freeing yourself from their continued damage.

Forgiveness liberates. Forgiving others and ourselves is crucial for moving forward. It's not about forgetting or excusing, but about releasing the blame and emotional charge tied to past events. Approaching forgiveness with compassion and acceptance, understanding that everyone (including your past self) was doing the best they could, makes it a natural process. You can even work to "rewrite" painful memories through practices like therapy or visualization, changing their emotional impact.

9. Reclaim Your Time by Letting Go of Busyness

Constant busyness that will make our lives fail and prevent us from thriving.

Busyness myth. Our culture equates busyness with success and importance, creating a toxic reliance on being constantly occupied. This often stems from a fear of insignificance and leads to overwork, burnout, and neglecting crucial aspects of life like relationships, health, and rest.

Prioritize ruthlessly. Accept that you cannot do everything. Learn to say "no," even to desirable opportunities, to protect your time and energy. Ask yourself daily: "What is the most important thing I have to do today?" This helps you focus on what truly matters (relationships, health, passions) rather than getting lost in an endless to-do list.

Redefine success and rest. A truly successful life is broad, nourishing five key areas: work, family, friendships, health, and passions. Think of these as fuel tanks that need regular replenishment. Prioritize rest in three dimensions: physical (sleep, relaxation), mental (analog activities, nature), and heart (connection, contribution). Embrace slowing down, perhaps dedicating a weekly "slow day," to counteract the rush and find presence.

10. Give More Than You Get to Build Strong Social Reliance

The gift of reliance runs in both directions.

Beyond zero reliance. While reducing unhealthy dependencies is key, the goal is not complete self-sufficiency or isolation. Humans are fundamentally social creatures designed to thrive in cooperative groups. Overdosing on independence can lead to loneliness, which is detrimental to both mental and physical health.

Mutual support. Healthy reliance is a two-way street: being able to ask for help when needed and being available to support others. Giving more than you get strengthens your community bonds and reinforces your value within the group. This mutual support system is a core part of being human and essential for long-term well-being.

Nourish social circles. Humans exist in social tribes across four levels: community (neighbors, acquaintances), friends (close confidantes), family (nuclear and extended), and partner (intimate connection). Ideally, we need positive signals from each circle. If one circle is weak or broken, actively compensate by strengthening others. Engaging in activities that foster connection, contribution, and mutual support is vital for thriving.

Last updated: May 11, 2025