Not Nice

1. Recognize the high cost of being "nice" and people-pleasing

"Nice is good, right? ... Well, maybe…"

The dark side of niceness. Being overly nice and constantly seeking approval comes at a high cost. It can lead to chronic anxiety, guilt, resentment, and even physical pain. People-pleasing behaviors often stem from fear rather than genuine kindness, creating a cycle of self-doubt and inner turmoil.

Breaking free from the nice cage. To liberate yourself from excessive niceness:

• Recognize the difference between kindness and fear-based niceness
• Identify your people-pleasing behaviors and their underlying motivations
• Practice setting boundaries and expressing your authentic self
• Embrace discomfort as a sign of growth and personal development

2. Understand the difference between healthy guilt and destructive guilt

"Healthy guilt comes from your true values and keeps you on track. Destructive guilt comes from faulty rules that you don't really agree with, but accepted when you were young."

Guilt as a compass. Healthy guilt serves as a moral compass, guiding us to align our actions with our values. It prompts us to make amends and learn from our mistakes. Destructive guilt, on the other hand, stems from internalized rules and expectations that may not align with our authentic selves.

Liberating yourself from destructive guilt:

• Identify and challenge your internalized "shoulds" and "musts"
• Distinguish between your genuine values and societal expectations
• Practice self-compassion when facing guilt-inducing situations
• Reframe guilt as an opportunity for growth and self-reflection

3. Embrace your shadow and harness its power

"Your shadow is your greatest source of power, as it is raw life energy itself."

Integrating the shadow. Our shadow contains repressed aspects of ourselves, including desires, anger, and other "negative" emotions. By acknowledging and integrating these aspects, we can tap into a powerful source of energy and authenticity.

Harnessing shadow energy:

• Practice shadow journaling to explore repressed thoughts and emotions
• Engage in "certainty rants" to express suppressed feelings safely
• Use shadow energy as fuel for assertiveness and self-expression
• Recognize that embracing your shadow leads to greater self-acceptance and genuine relationships

4. Develop healthy boundaries and take responsibility for your needs

"You are not responsible for other people's feelings."

Reclaiming personal power. Healthy boundaries allow us to differentiate between our responsibilities and those of others. By taking responsibility for our own needs and emotions, we empower ourselves and create more authentic relationships.

Building healthy boundaries:

• Recognize and honor your own needs and desires
• Practice saying "no" to requests that don't align with your values or capacity
• Communicate your boundaries clearly and respectfully
• Allow others to take responsibility for their own emotions and choices

5. Learn to speak up for yourself and handle difficult conversations

"The opposite of nice is being real."

Finding your voice. Speaking up for yourself is essential for personal growth and healthy relationships. It involves expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs authentically, even when it feels uncomfortable or risks disapproval.

Effective self-expression strategies:

• Use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs
• Practice the 7-step approach to difficult conversations
• Embrace discomfort as a sign of growth and authenticity
• Remember that speaking up benefits both you and your relationships in the long run

6. Cultivate healthy self-interest and overcome the fear of being "selfish"

"Being self-sacrificing doesn't make you an altruistic, 'good' person. It actually diminishes your energy over time, causes you pain, and thus hurts those close to you."

Redefining selfishness. Healthy self-interest is not about disregarding others' needs but about balancing your own needs with those of others. It allows you to show up more authentically and generously in your relationships.

Cultivating healthy self-interest:

• Identify and challenge your beliefs about selfishness
• Practice putting yourself first in small, low-stakes situations
• Use the "Selfish Algorithm" to make balanced decisions
• Recognize that taking care of yourself enables you to be more present and generous with others

7. Practice saying "no" without guilt and asking for what you want

"Asking is an essential part of connecting with other humans, and is actually the most effective way to meet our needs in relationships."

The power of no and yes. Learning to say "no" to things that don't align with your values or capacity creates space for what truly matters. Similarly, asking for what you want directly is crucial for meeting your needs and creating fulfilling relationships.

Mastering "no" and requests:

• Practice saying "no" in low-stakes situations to build confidence
• Use clear, direct language when declining requests
• Identify your true desires and practice articulating them
• Remember that asking for what you want gives others the opportunity to support you

8. Transform from approval-seeking to authentic self-expression

"You get what you think you deserve."

Breaking the approval addiction. Constant approval-seeking leads to inauthenticity and unfulfilling relationships. By shifting your focus from external validation to self-acceptance, you can create more genuine connections and a stronger sense of self.

Steps to authentic self-expression:

• Identify your approval-seeking behaviors and their underlying fears
• Practice expressing your genuine thoughts and feelings, even when they differ from others
• Cultivate self-approval and self-validation
• Recognize that authenticity attracts more meaningful relationships

9. Overcome the fear of conflict and learn to disagree effectively

"Disagreement between people is inevitable if both people are being authentic and honest."

Embracing healthy conflict. Conflict is a natural part of human relationships and can lead to growth and deeper understanding when handled effectively. Learning to navigate disagreements respectfully can strengthen your relationships and personal integrity.

Effective disagreement strategies:

• Practice casual disagreement to build confidence
• Use playful disagreement to maintain rapport while expressing differences
• Employ direct disagreement when necessary, focusing on the issue rather than personal attacks
• Remember that disagreement doesn't have to threaten relationships; it can enhance them

10. Balance giving and receiving in relationships for long-term fulfillment

"Giving + No Choice About the Matter = Resentment"

The resentment formula. Constant giving without reciprocation or choice leads to burnout and resentment. Healthy relationships involve a balance of giving and receiving, with both parties feeling empowered to express their needs and boundaries.

Creating balanced relationships:

• Recognize the signs of over-giving and resentment in your relationships
• Practice asking for what you need and allowing others to give to you
• Set boundaries around your giving to ensure it comes from a place of choice
• Remember that receiving is as important as giving in creating fulfilling relationships

Last updated: January 24, 2025