On My Own Side

1. The Bizarre Normal: We Are Our Own Worst Critics

Inside was a different story. Inside was a madhouse. Inside was a freaking war zone.

Harsh self-treatment. Many of us maintain a polished exterior for the world while harboring a brutal inner critic that constantly attacks our appearance, choices, and worth. This internal tyranny, filled with vicious criticisms and demeaning judgments, feels normal because we've become habituated to it over years, often believing others don't experience such turmoil. This is the "bizarre normal."

Neglecting self-relationship. We invest immense effort in relationships with others, striving to be warm, engaging, and supportive, especially when they struggle. Yet, we often treat ourselves with harsh indifference, lacking empathy, patience, and kindness. This stark contrast suggests a fundamental lack of self-love.

Habituation to negativity. Like a constant jackhammer outside our window, we adapt to the abrasive sound of our inner critic, perceiving it as normal. This nonchalance prevents us from recognizing the profound unhealthiness of this self-treatment, which, if directed at another person, would be seen as toxic and abusive.

2. Origins of the Inner Critic: Pain, Family, Peers, and Culture

Your inner critic is born out of pain.

Responding to childhood pain. The inner critic is a mental pattern developed in response to overwhelming emotional pain experienced during childhood. This pain stems from interactions with family, peers, and culture, where we learned that certain ways of being were unacceptable or unworthy of love and attention.

The Fantasy Self. To cope with this pain and earn desired love, we create an unconscious "Fantasy Self" – an ideal version of ourselves that would be perfectly lovable. The critic then emerges to pressure us to become this fantasy, harshly judging us when we fall short.

External influences. Beyond family dynamics, peers and culture reinforce the critic's demands. Peer groups often enforce conformity through fear of rejection, while mass media bombards us with unrealistic standards of appearance, success, and behavior, creating arbitrary "value equivalents" that dictate our perceived worth.

3. The Core Decision: Choose to Be On Your Own Side (O.M.O.S.)

This, right now, is another threshold moment.

Ending self-abuse. Being "On My Own Side" (O.M.O.S.) means treating yourself with the same care, respect, and kindness you would offer someone you deeply love. It's a conscious decision to end the cycle of self-criticism and embrace self-compassion.

Four elements of O.M.O.S.:

• Kindness: Treating yourself with warmth and concern for your well-being.
• Respect: Refraining from verbal attacks or abuse, no matter what.
• Patience: Allowing time for growth and change, accepting setbacks.
• Accountability: Honestly assessing yourself and getting back on track with support.

Addressing objections. Common fears about O.M.O.S. (e.g., it's self-indulgent, makes me lazy, I'm undeserving) are simply the critic's attempts to maintain control. Recognizing these as fear-based stories allows you to move past them and make the powerful decision to be on your own side, regardless of past patterns or perceived flaws.

4. Tame Your Critic: Respond with Awareness and Empathy

The secret to regaining control in this relationship with your critic is to remember that the critic equals fear.

Identify and move toward. The first step in taming the critic is simply becoming aware when it's speaking. Giving it a name helps create separation. Instead of fighting or agreeing with it, move toward it with curiosity, seeing it as a scared child trying to protect you from emotional pain.

Explore root fears and empathize. Listen to the critic's attacks, but look for the underlying fear. Empathize with this fear, acknowledging its validity from the critic's perspective (e.g., "Of course, you're scared of rejection"). Responding with empathy helps the critic feel heard and understood, reducing its intensity.

Regroup and problem-solve. Once the critic is calmer, the core self (the wise, centered part of you) can take charge. Reassure the scared parts, set boundaries with the critic's harshness, and then collaboratively problem-solve. This involves assessing the situation realistically and determining effective actions from a place of calm authority.

5. Allow All Feelings: Embrace Discomfort to Heal

Show me everything you got.

Habit of invalidation. Many of us habitually invalidate our feelings, treating them as wrong, inconvenient, or dangerous. This stems from childhood messages that certain emotions were unacceptable and must be hidden, leading to a chronic sense of shame around our inner world.

Consequences of suppression. Ignoring or suppressing feelings doesn't make them disappear; it pushes them into the subconscious, where they can manifest as anxiety, depression, physical symptoms (like chronic pain), or compulsive behaviors. This "Strategy A" of denial is unsustainable and leads to breakdown.

Strategy B: Unanimous. To heal, adopt "Strategy B": meet every part of yourself and every emotion with curiosity, empathy, acceptance, and respect. Be willing to feel anything, no matter how uncomfortable or "unlovable" it seems. This radical acceptance, saying "Show me everything you got," is the path to liberation.

6. Unconditional Self-Worth: Your Value Is Inherent, Not Earned

Your worth as a human is inherent, unchanging, and static.

Conditional worth trap. Many of us operate from a place of conditional worth, believing we are only lovable or valuable if we achieve certain things, look a certain way, or meet specific standards (our "value equivalents"). This creates an endless, unwinnable game of trying to earn worth.

Arbitrary value equivalents. The metrics we use to measure our worth (e.g., income, appearance, social status) are arbitrary and culturally influenced. They are not objective truths but games we play, leading to perpetual feelings of inadequacy even when we succeed.

Choose unconditional worth. The way out is to consciously choose to believe and feel that you are worthy, lovable, and complete right now, no matter what. This is not self-delusion but recognizing your inherent value. Letting go of conditional worth may bring up old pain, but facing it with love is the path to freedom.

7. Let Go of Perfectionism: Drop the Impossible Demands

Perfectionism is the opposite of O.M.O.S.

The poison of perfectionism. Perfectionism is the relentless pressure to be perfect in any area of life (performance, appearance, emotions, etc.). It's driven by the fear of not being good enough and leads to chronic stress, dissatisfaction, and self-judgment when reality inevitably falls short of the impossible ideal.

Fantasy Self revisited. Perfectionism is fueled by the unconscious demand to be our "Fantasy Self" – the perfect version of us that would guarantee love and safety. When we fail to embody this ideal, the critic attacks, creating a cycle of striving and self-loathing.

Five steps to freedom:

1. Feel Bad: Notice the suffering caused by perfectionism.
2. Identify the Demand: Uncover the specific "shoulds" or "musts."
3. Uncover Pride Positions: Identify the ideal self-image you're striving for (e.g., Supermom, Ultra Fit Man).
4. Surrender Pride Positions: Acknowledge the impossibility and choose to let go of the need to be this way.
5. Surrender to All Outcomes: Accept that unwanted results might happen and you'll still be okay.

8. Optimal Motivation: Fuel Yourself with Purpose, Joy, and Love

Purpose is so powerful because it surpasses any temporary outcome.

Dirty vs. high-quality fuel. Traditional motivation often relies on "dirty fuel": fear of failure, conditional worth, future relief, and self-hatred. While these can create temporary bursts of action, they lead to burnout, misfires, and a decrease in overall power and enjoyment.

High-quality fuel sources:

• Interest/Fascination: Driven by genuine curiosity and engagement.
• Inspiration: Acting from what lights you up and excites you.
• Fun: Finding enjoyment in the process itself.
• Mastery: Pursuing deep learning and skill development.
• Purpose: Connecting with your deepest "why" for doing something.
• Love and Contribution: Acting from a desire to give to others and the world.

Shift your fuel. Consciously choose to rely less on dirty fuel and more on high-quality sources. This requires awareness of your current motivation and a willingness to tap into deeper, more sustainable energies. High-quality fuel not only feels better but provides more consistent and powerful drive.

9. The Art of Relaxed Discipline: Achieve Goals with Ease, Not Force

Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.

Beyond brute force. Achieving goals effectively and sustainably doesn't require constant grinding or forcing yourself through discomfort. The "Art of Relaxed Discipline" (A.R.D.) is a nuanced approach that balances effort with ease.

Five elements of A.R.D.:

• Effective: Focus on methods that actually produce results.
• Sustainable: Choose approaches you can maintain long-term.
• Relaxed: Let go of tension and resistance to outcomes.
• Joyful: Find ways to enjoy the process of pursuing your goals.
• Meaningful: Stay connected to your purpose and why you're doing it.

Navigating the river. Life is like a river with slow currents (avoidance/stagnation) and fast rapids (burnout). A.R.D. is about finding the optimal path in the middle, sometimes leaning into discomfort ("leaning in") but always returning to a state of relaxed, purposeful action.

10. Reject Toxic Culture: Fight External Messages of Unworthiness

To be permanently become on your own side, you must reject the toxic messages that your culture has fed you over your entire life.

Profit from pain. Many industries and cultural narratives profit by making you feel inadequate or unworthy, then selling you solutions. These messages create unrealistic standards around money, appearance, success, and relationships.

Toxic cultural messages:

• Net Worth = Human Worth: Believing your value is tied to your income or wealth.
• All I Do Is Win: Expecting constant success and shaming failure.
• The One Body: Believing you must conform to an unrealistic physical ideal.
• Forever Young: Fearing and fighting the natural process of aging.
• Fashion Police: Believing your worth depends on having the right clothes.
• Flawless Sexual Performance: Adhering to rigid, unrealistic sexual scripts.
• Fearless: Believing you should never feel anxiety or fear.

Become a champion. To achieve permanent O.M.O.S., you must consciously identify and reject these toxic messages. This requires cultivating fierce self-love and standing up against external forces that try to make you feel less than.

11. Permanent O.M.O.S.: Love Yourself Fiercely, Discover Who You Are

What if this was your new normal?

Falling in love with yourself. Permanent O.M.O.S. is not just accepting yourself but deeply, wildly falling in love with who you are, including all perceived flaws and imperfections. It's a relishing and delighting in your own being.

Expand your love capacity. Our ability to love ourselves is linked to our capacity to give and receive love in general. Healing past hurts and letting go of blocks to love allows us to expand this capacity, making self-love more natural and consistent.

Discover who you are. Permanent O.M.O.S. is a journey of self-discovery, not self-improvement based on external ideals. It involves exploring the "Big Three Questions":

• Who am I?
• Where did I come from?
• What am I here to do?

12. The Gift of Failure: Embrace Setbacks as Learning

True freedom is the freedom to fail fearlessly, to fail unabashedly, to fail repeatedly.

Failure is feedback. Failure is simply getting an outcome you didn't expect or want. It's an essential part of learning and growth. Embracing failure means rejecting the cultural shame attached to it and seeing it as valuable information.

Learning from setbacks. Instead of spiraling into self-criticism after a setback, approach it with curiosity. Ask what you can learn from the experience. This perspective transforms failure from a source of shame into a powerful tool for progress.

O.M.O.S. through setbacks. Being on your own side is most crucial when things go wrong. It means offering yourself the same patience, empathy, and love you would give a friend who is struggling. This self-compassion allows you to recover quickly and continue moving forward.

Last updated: May 9, 2025