Raising Boys, Third Edition

1. Boys' development occurs in three distinct stages

"The three stages of boyhood are timeless and universal."

Birth to six years: This stage is characterized by the need for strong love and security, primarily from the mother. Boys learn to form attachments and develop basic communication skills. During this time, it's crucial to provide affection, engage in frequent conversations, and create a warm, nurturing environment.

Six to fourteen years: At this stage, boys start looking to their fathers or male role models to learn how to be a man. They begin to develop competence and skills while also cultivating kindness and playfulness. This is when boys become more secure about their masculinity.

Fourteen to adulthood: Boys need input from male mentors to complete their journey into manhood. Parents should step back slightly but organize good mentors in their son's life. The aim is for boys to learn skills, responsibility, and self-respect by joining more with the adult community.

2. Testosterone significantly impacts boys' behavior and growth

"Testosterone also affects mood and energy—it is more than just a growth hormone."

Hormonal surges: Boys experience significant testosterone increases at different stages of their development:

• At birth: Levels as high as a 12-year-old boy
• Age 4: Sudden surge, doubling blood levels
• Age 14: 800% increase over toddlerhood levels

Behavioral impacts: These hormonal changes can lead to:

• Increased energy and boisterous behavior
• Greater interest in physical activities and heroics
• Competitiveness and need for hierarchical structures
• Mood swings and argumentativeness, especially during adolescence

To help boys manage these changes, parents and educators should provide structure, clear rules, and fair enforcement. It's important to channel their energy into positive activities and teach self-control through games and sports.

3. Brain differences between boys and girls affect learning and development

"Boys' brains are an astonishing six to twelve months less developed than girls' are."

Key differences:

• Boys' brains develop more slowly than girls'
• Left and right sides are less well-connected in boys
• Boys tend to use only one side of their brain for certain tasks, while girls use both sides

Implications for learning:

• Boys may struggle more with language and communication skills
• Fine motor skills develop later, affecting writing abilities
• Boys may benefit from starting school later than girls

To support boys' development, parents and educators should:

• Engage in frequent conversations and storytelling from an early age
• Provide hands-on, physical learning experiences
• Offer extra support in areas like reading, writing, and verbal expression
• Consider delaying school start for boys who aren't ready

4. Fathers play a crucial role in boys' upbringing

"Fathering is the best thing you are ever likely to do—for your own satisfaction and joy, and for its effect on the future of other human beings."

Key father roles:

• Role model for masculinity
• Source of affirmation and encouragement
• Teacher of respect for women and self-respect

Fathers should actively engage with their sons through:

• Physical play and sports
• Sharing life experiences and stories
• Teaching practical skills and problem-solving
• Demonstrating emotional expression and vulnerability

It's crucial for fathers to make time for their sons, especially during the 6-14 year stage when boys are most receptive to learning about manhood. Single mothers should seek positive male role models for their sons through family members, mentors, or community programs.

5. Mothers shape boys' understanding of relationships and self-worth

"A mother teaches a boy a great deal about life and love."

Mother's influence:

• First model for intimacy and love
• Teacher of social skills and empathy
• Source of affirmation and self-esteem

Mothers can support their sons' development by:

• Providing affection and nurturing throughout childhood
• Teaching communication skills and emotional intelligence
• Helping boys understand and relate to girls
• Offering praise and recognition for their son's positive qualities

As boys grow, mothers should adjust their parenting style:

• Elementary years: Gentle steering and monitoring
• Teenage years: Shift to a consultant and friend role
• Gradually grant more responsibility and freedom

For single mothers, it's important to maintain clear boundaries and avoid conflicts as sons enter adolescence. Seek support from other trusted adults when needed.

6. Healthy sexuality development requires open communication and guidance

"Young love has a lot to do with sorting out which is which."

Three types of attraction:

1. Liking: Mental connection, shared interests
2. Loving: Tender, warm emotions
3. Lusting: Physical, sexual desire

Parents should help teenagers understand these distinctions and encourage them to take relationships slowly. Open conversations about sex, relationships, and values are crucial.

Key aspects of sexual education:

• Teach respect for oneself and others
• Discuss consent and healthy boundaries
• Address pornography and its potential impacts
• Provide accurate information about sexual health and safety

For gay sons, parents should offer support, understanding, and acceptance. Seek resources and connect with support groups like PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) if needed.

7. Schools must adapt to boys' unique learning needs

"Education with Energy"

Challenges for boys in traditional school settings:

• Emphasis on sitting still and quiet learning
• Less developed fine motor skills at early ages
• Struggle with language-based subjects

Strategies for boy-friendly schooling:

• Later starting age for boys, based on individual readiness
• More male teachers as positive role models
• Physical, hands-on learning experiences
• Targeted support for literacy and language skills
• Smaller class sizes and fewer teacher changes

Schools should also address discipline issues through involvement rather than punishment. Recognize that acting out is often a cry for help and attention, especially from under-fathered boys.

8. Sports can be both beneficial and detrimental to boys' development

"Sports can have huge benefits for children. Sports offer exercise, fun, challenges, and a sense of achievement."

Benefits of sports:

• Physical fitness and health
• Character building and life lessons
• Bonding opportunity for fathers and sons
• Sense of belonging and achievement

Potential negatives:

• Overemphasis on winning and competition
• Risk of injuries, especially in contact sports
• Toxic masculinity in some sports cultures
• Pressure and unrealistic expectations for talented athletes

To maximize the benefits and minimize risks:

• Focus on participation, enjoyment, and skill development
• Choose age-appropriate and safe sports
• Encourage good sportsmanship and teamwork
• Provide positive, supportive coaching
• Balance sports with other interests and activities

9. Community involvement is essential for boys' transition to adulthood

"The spirit of a boy is too great for just a family to contain, and his horizons are wider than a family can provide for."

Community roles in boys' development:

• Mentoring and guidance from non-parent adults
• Providing diverse role models
• Offering opportunities for skill-building and contribution
• Creating rites of passage and recognition of growth

Examples of community involvement:

• School-business partnerships for mentoring programs
• Sports teams and youth organizations
• Community service projects
• Cultural or religious coming-of-age ceremonies

Parents should actively seek out and cultivate these community connections for their sons. This wider support network helps boys navigate the challenges of adolescence and find their place in the adult world.

Last updated: September 21, 2024