Key Takeaways
1. Understand and appreciate your spirited child's unique temperament
Spirited children possess personality traits with a depth and range not available to other children.
Temperament traits. Spirited children are characterized by intensity, persistence, sensitivity, perceptiveness, and slow adaptability. These traits are innate and biologically-based, not a result of parenting. Understanding your child's temperament allows you to work with their natural tendencies rather than against them.
Strengths perspective. Reframe challenging behaviors as potential strengths. For example:
- Intensity can become passion and enthusiasm
- Persistence can lead to goal achievement
- Sensitivity allows for deep empathy
- Perceptiveness fosters creativity
Bonus traits. Some spirited children may also exhibit:
- Irregularity in biological functions
- High energy levels
- Cautious first reactions
- Serious/analytical mood
2. Manage intensity and meltdowns through empathy and calming strategies
When we are proficient handling our own emotions, it is far easier to instill those skills in our intense spirited children.
Recognize triggers. Pay attention to signs that your child is becoming overwhelmed:
- Physical cues: flushed face, tense muscles
- Behavioral changes: increased activity, irritability
- Emotional outbursts: crying, yelling
Calming techniques. Implement strategies to help your child regulate their emotions:
- Deep breathing exercises
- Physical activity to release energy
- Quiet spaces for sensory breaks
- Comforting objects or activities
Parental self-regulation. Model emotional control by managing your own reactions. Use positive self-talk, take breaks when needed, and practice stress-reduction techniques. Your calm demeanor will help your child learn to regulate their own emotions.
3. Work with persistence to foster problem-solving skills
We are a problem-solving family!
Reframe stubbornness. View persistence as determination and commitment to goals. Encourage your child to use this trait productively by teaching problem-solving skills.
Collaborative approach. When conflicts arise:
- Seek to understand your child's perspective
- Explain your own concerns
- Brainstorm solutions together
- Choose a mutually agreeable option
Flexible thinking. Help your child develop adaptability by:
- Encouraging consideration of multiple viewpoints
- Practicing "what if" scenarios
- Celebrating compromise and flexibility
4. Address sensitivity by creating a supportive environment
Spirited kids feel emotions, see sights, hear sounds, and smell odors to a degree that most of us mortals will never know.
Sensory considerations. Be mindful of your child's sensory sensitivities:
- Lighting: dim lights or provide sunglasses if needed
- Sounds: offer noise-cancelling headphones in loud environments
- Textures: choose comfortable clothing and bedding
- Smells: be aware of strong odors that may be overwhelming
Emotional support. Validate your child's feelings and help them develop emotional intelligence:
- Name and discuss emotions openly
- Teach coping strategies for intense feelings
- Provide a safe space for emotional expression
Gradual exposure. Help your child build tolerance for challenging sensory experiences through slow, supportive exposure to new situations.
5. Harness perceptiveness and adaptability for social success
Social skills are learned. They are the life skills that we all need for working cooperatively in society.
Social skill development. Teach and model appropriate social behaviors:
- Entering group situations
- Taking turns and sharing
- Resolving conflicts peacefully
- Respecting personal space
Adaptability strategies. Help your child navigate transitions and changes:
- Provide advance notice of upcoming events
- Create visual schedules or social stories
- Allow extra time for adjusting to new situations
Strengths-based approach. Leverage your child's perceptiveness in social settings:
- Encourage observation skills to read social cues
- Teach empathy by discussing others' perspectives
- Use their attention to detail for problem-solving
6. Establish consistent routines for sleep and meals
Sleep is so important for the spirited child that I've written an entire book about it.
Sleep routines. Create a consistent bedtime routine to signal the body it's time to sleep:
- Set a regular bedtime and wake time
- Dim lights and reduce stimulation before bed
- Incorporate calming activities (reading, soft music)
- Address any sensory issues (comfortable bedding, white noise)
Meal strategies. Develop positive eating habits:
- Offer regular meals and snacks at consistent times
- Provide a variety of healthy options
- Allow children to determine how much they eat
- Make mealtimes pleasant, social experiences
Consistency is key. Maintain routines as much as possible, even on weekends and holidays, to help regulate your child's biological rhythms.
7. Navigate holidays and special events with preparation and flexibility
Holidays, birthday parties, family gatherings, vacations, and special celebrations can prove to be a virtual minefield for spirited kids and their parents.
Advance preparation. Help your child know what to expect:
- Discuss upcoming events and potential challenges
- Practice social skills and coping strategies
- Prepare a "comfort kit" with calming items
Flexible planning. Be willing to adjust expectations and plans:
- Build in breaks and quiet time during busy events
- Have an exit strategy if things become overwhelming
- Allow for gradual participation in new experiences
Communication with others. Share your child's needs with family and friends:
- Explain your child's temperament and sensitivities
- Suggest ways they can help your child feel comfortable
- Set boundaries when necessary to protect your child's well-being
Last updated:
Review Summary
Raising Your Spirited Child receives high praise from parents who find it transformative in understanding and managing their energetic, sensitive, or intense children. Readers appreciate the book's positive reframing of challenging traits, practical advice, and relatable examples. Many parents feel validated and less alone after reading it. While some find the book verbose or wish for more specific disciplinary strategies, most consider it an invaluable resource for improving family dynamics and appreciating their spirited children's unique qualities. The book's insights often apply to all children, not just those labeled as spirited.