Tiny Humans, Big Emotions

1. Emotional Intelligence: The Foundation for a Fulfilling Life

I want them to have the tools to navigate and process the inevitable hard stuff so they’re able to live a life that feels connected, compassionate, and curious.

Beyond Happiness. While wanting children to be happy is natural, life inevitably involves challenges and difficult emotions. Emotional intelligence equips individuals with the skills to navigate these complexities, fostering resilience and well-being. It's about developing the capacity to understand, manage, and express emotions effectively.

Five Key Components. Emotional intelligence encompasses self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, motivation, and social skills. These components work together to enable individuals to build strong relationships, achieve their goals, and lead fulfilling lives. Developing these skills early on provides a solid foundation for future success.

A Vision for the Future. The authors envision a future where emotionally intelligent communities embrace dialogue, diversity, and compassion. In this world, individuals are comfortable with their own emotions and those of others, leading to more understanding, respect, and collaboration. This vision drives the importance of cultivating emotional intelligence in children.

2. Your Role: Shaping Emotional Development Through Attachment

Our role in a child’s life is crucial. We form the basis for how they will show up in relationships with others.

Legacy of Blessings and Burdens. Each generation passes down a mix of positive and negative experiences, shaping the emotional landscape of the next. Recognizing this legacy allows parents to consciously choose which patterns to perpetuate and which to break, fostering healthier emotional development. It's a relay race of legacy blessings and legacy burdens.

Attachment Styles. Attachment theory highlights the importance of secure relationships in fostering emotional well-being. Secure attachment, characterized by safety, security, and responsiveness, provides a foundation for children to explore their world and develop healthy relationships. Caregivers can work towards secure attachment by being present, attuned, and responsive to their child's needs.

Beyond Perfection. The goal isn't to be a perfect parent, but rather to be a good enough parent who provides a safe and supportive environment for their child's emotional growth. Recognizing personal triggers and hardwired behaviors allows parents to respond thoughtfully and compassionately, rather than reacting on autopilot. This self-awareness is key to breaking negative cycles and fostering secure attachment.

3. Understanding Emotions: The Brain-Body Connection

You are not at the mercy of emotions that arise unbidden to control your behavior. You are an architect of these experiences.

Constructed Emotion. Emotions are not innate, universal experiences, but rather concepts constructed through individual experiences and cultural context. This understanding empowers individuals to take ownership of their emotional responses and develop greater self-awareness. It's a meaning-making experience that engages many regions of the brain.

The Nervous System's Role. The nervous system constantly scans the environment for threats, triggering physiological responses that prepare the body for action. Understanding how the nervous system works allows individuals to proactively recharge and regulate their responses to stress. Proactive self-care techniques such as therapy, accessing a food pantry, group meetings, or staying connected to your spiritual community are examples.

The Triangle of Growth. Sensory regulation forms the base of the Triangle of Growth, followed by emotional regulation and communication skills. In moments of dysregulation, prioritizing sensory regulation helps calm the nervous system, enabling access to higher-level cognitive functions. This approach emphasizes the importance of addressing the body's needs before attempting to reason or problem-solve.

4. Collaborative Emotion Processing (CEP): A Method for Growth

Collaborative Emotion Processing is a way to teach and learn how to feel stuff with other people that builds long-term skills for emotional intelligence.

Learning Through Collaboration. CEP emphasizes learning emotional intelligence skills through interaction and experience, rather than simply memorizing information. This collaborative approach recognizes the importance of human connection in fostering emotional growth. It's about laboring together to build long-term skills.

The CEP Wheel. The CEP Wheel highlights the five key components of the method: mindfulness, self-awareness, self-care, scientific knowledge, and adult-child interactions. This visual representation emphasizes the importance of addressing the adult's emotional well-being, as well as the child's. The other four are centered on the adult.

Five Phases of Emotion Processing. The five phases of emotion processing provide a framework for navigating big emotions: allowing, recognizing, feeling secure, seeking support, and moving on. These phases guide individuals through the process of experiencing and integrating emotions, building resilience and self-awareness. They help the supportive adult answer the question “What can I teach right now that the child might be ready for?”

5. In-the-Moment Responses: Calming Before Teaching

When people feel safe, their rational thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) is accessible, and they are ready to learn.

Soothing vs. Teaching. In moments of dysregulation, the primary goal is to soothe the child's nervous system, creating a sense of safety and security. Attempting to teach or reason with a dysregulated child is often ineffective, as their rational thinking brain is not fully accessible. We can teach later.

The Triangle of Growth. The Triangle of Growth emphasizes the importance of addressing sensory needs before attempting to engage in emotional regulation or communication. Providing sensory input, such as deep pressure or movement, can help calm the nervous system and create a foundation for learning. Sensory systems first.

Co-regulation. Co-regulation involves connecting with the child and helping them calm down, providing a sense of safety and security. This can involve physical touch, gentle words, or simply being present and attuned to their needs. It’s about helping them feel safe so they can access emotional regulation and communication skills.

6. Setting Boundaries: Creating Safety and Security

It’s our job to set boundaries, and it’s a child’s job to push them, to see if they’re real, to see if we will really keep them safe.

Boundaries vs. Threats. Boundaries are about personal power and what you are willing to accept, while threats are about power and control over someone else. Clearly stated boundaries, coupled with consistent consequences, create a sense of safety and predictability for children. A boundary works alongside consequences, letting someone know what to expect if the boundary is pushed.

Consistency is Key. Consistent boundaries help the brain know what to expect, creating a sense of security and predictability. It's our job to set up a boundary and theirs to be curious about when we will hold it.

Finding the Yes. When setting boundaries, it's important to also offer alternative behaviors or options that allow children to express their needs and desires in appropriate ways. This approach helps children feel empowered and understood, while still maintaining clear limits. We can find the yes.

7. Talking About Behavior: Fostering Accountability and Empathy

Kids need our help, our intentional response, to build the self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and social skills that will give them the ability and confidence to do something different next time.

Timing is Everything. The most effective time to talk about behavior is when the child is calm and regulated, allowing them to access their rational thinking brain. Attempting to reason or lecture a dysregulated child is often counterproductive. Kids need our help, our intentional response, to build the self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and social skills that will give them the ability and confidence to do something different next time.

Self-Esteem vs. Shame. It's crucial to address behavior in a way that fosters self-esteem, rather than shame. Focus on the specific actions, rather than making judgments about the child's character. Remember, self-esteem is about the behavior. Shame is about the person.

The Power of Modeling. Children learn by observing the adults around them. Modeling healthy communication, emotional regulation, and empathy provides a powerful example for children to follow. It’s about showing them that hurting other people is not okay without taking a blow at their self-esteem.

8. Proactive Strategies: Preventing Meltdowns Before They Start

We are detectives working to figure out how to best recharge our battery as well as our children’s throughout the day, and we all have a slightly different plug.

Proactive Recharge. Proactive strategies, such as predictable routines, access to sleep, brain breaks, big body play, and movement/balance practice, help recharge the nervous system and prevent sensory overload. These strategies are like sensory "meals" and "snacks" that keep the battery from running low.

Understanding Sensory Needs. Each individual has unique sensory needs and preferences. Experimenting with different activities and stimuli helps identify what works best for each child, allowing for personalized support. It takes trial and error to learn what works best for you or your child.

The Importance of Predictability. Predictable routines and consistent expectations create a sense of safety and security, reducing anxiety and promoting emotional regulation. Knowing what to expect helps the nervous system feel at ease.

9. Navigating Multi-Child Dynamics: Balancing Individual Needs

We are designed to draw energy from one another and restore energy through one another.

The Come Watch. Capitalize on children's natural curiosity about others' emotions by creating "Come Watch" opportunities. This involves allowing children to observe and learn from each other's emotional experiences, fostering empathy and understanding. It’s about helping them learn to see and be seen.

Addressing Conflicts. When conflicts arise between children, prioritize safety and regulation before attempting to problem-solve. Validate each child's perspective and guide them through the Phases of Emotion Processing, fostering communication and conflict resolution skills.

Individualized Support. Recognize that each child has unique needs and preferences. Tailor your approach to meet their individual needs, rather than applying a one-size-fits-all solution. This may involve providing different levels of support, adjusting expectations, or offering personalized coping strategies.

10. Cultivating Empathy: Building Connection and Compassion

Empathy is feeling with people.

Empathy vs. Sympathy. Empathy involves feeling with someone, while sympathy involves feeling sorry for them. Empathy requires perspective-taking, staying out of judgment, recognizing emotions, and communicating understanding. It’s hard because it requires us to let go of trying to cheer someone up when they’re suffering or trying to reason with them about why it’s not so bad or how it could be worse.

Modeling Empathy. The most powerful way to teach empathy is to model it in your own interactions. This involves actively listening, validating emotions, and responding with compassion. It’s hard because it requires us to let go of trying to cheer someone up when they’re suffering or trying to reason with them about why it’s not so bad or how it could be worse.

Addressing Implicit Bias. Unconscious biases can affect how we perceive and respond to children's emotions. Uncovering and addressing these biases is crucial for creating an equitable and inclusive environment. It’s about helping you tune in to your knowing, as Glennon Doyle calls it in her book Untamed, to make a conscious choice rather than acting out of habit.

11. Navigating Transitions: Supporting Change with Emotional Intelligence

It is when we are in transition that we are most completely alive.

Acknowledge and Validate. Transitions can be challenging for children, triggering a range of emotions. Acknowledging and validating these feelings is crucial for creating a sense of safety and security. It’s about helping you tune in to your knowing, as Glennon Doyle calls it in her book Untamed, to make a conscious choice rather than acting out of habit.

Provide Predictability. Visual aids, such as calendars and schedules, can help children understand and anticipate upcoming changes. These tools provide a sense of control and reduce anxiety. When our nervous system knows what to expect, it feels at ease and safe.

Maintain Consistency. During times of transition, it's important to maintain consistent boundaries and routines. This provides a sense of stability and predictability, helping children navigate the changes with greater ease. It is the process of recognizing when we’ve made a mistake and owning up to it and/or feeling motivated to make a change.

12. The Future Is Emotionally Intelligent: A Vision for a Better World

I’ve learned that people will forget what you’ve said, people will forget what you did, but they will never forget the way you made them feel.

The Power of Connection. Our behavior elicits emotions in others, creating a ripple effect that can positively or negatively impact their day. By prioritizing emotional intelligence, we can make positive social contributions and foster more compassionate communities. Imagine having a balanced sense of self-awareness and exchanging that with your loved ones and colleagues.

A World of Understanding. Imagine a world where we can feel our feelings without drowning in them because we have the tools for regulation and processing. What would it look like to live a life where you are safe to feel, and others won’t try to stop your feelings out of fear or discomfort?

Empowering Future Generations. By cultivating emotional intelligence in children, we are equipping them with the skills to navigate challenges, build strong relationships, and create a more compassionate and understanding world. This vision compels us to engage deeply—to labor together—in this work.

Last updated: February 6, 2025