Sex, Dating, And Relationships

1. Sex is a divine portrait of the gospel

Sex is not an end in itself; it is a type of something higher, pointing to the deeper reality of the gospel.

Divine design. God created sex to serve as a living witness to the spiritual union between Christ and the church. This connection explains why God commands sexual purity within marriage and celibacy outside of it. The physical oneness in marital sex reflects the spiritual oneness believers have with God through Christ.

Gospel reflection. Just as Christ is exclusively devoted to the church, a husband and wife are called to be sexually faithful to each other. This parallel extends to:

• Monogamy: Christ has one bride; a man has one wife
• Permanence: Christ doesn't divorce His church; spouses shouldn't divorce
• Intimacy: The deep knowing in marriage reflects our intimate relationship with God

Understanding this gospel connection gives profound meaning to human sexuality and provides a framework for maintaining sexual purity in all relationships.

2. God ordains three categories of male-female relationships

According to God's Word, we are to do nothing with a member of the opposite sex that we wouldn't do with a blood relative.

Biblical categories. Scripture outlines three distinct types of male-female relationships, each with specific guidelines for sexual expression:

1. Family relationship: No sexual activity permitted
2. Marriage relationship: Sexual activity commanded and celebrated
3. Neighbor relationship: Includes all non-family, non-spouse relationships; no sexual activity permitted

Clarity through categories. Understanding these categories provides clear guidance for sexual purity. The "neighbor" category applies to all non-married relationships, including dating. This eliminates ambiguity about appropriate physical boundaries in dating relationships. If an activity would be sexually inappropriate with a sibling, it's inappropriate in any non-marital relationship.

3. Dating relationships blur moral boundaries

A dating relationship is nothing more than a mirage, a relationship of smoke and mirrors that promises to be something more than it really is.

False security. Traditional dating relationships often create an illusion of commitment and security that doesn't actually exist. This can lead to premature emotional and physical intimacy, setting the stage for heartbreak and compromised purity.

Misplaced expectations. Dating relationships typically involve:

• Titles (boyfriend/girlfriend) that imply commitment
• Expectations of exclusivity
• Romantic and physical expressions of affection

However, these relationships lack true commitment, as either party can end the relationship at any time for any reason. This mismatch between expectations and reality can lead to:

• Emotional vulnerability without security
• Physical intimacy without commitment
• Confusion about appropriate boundaries

Understanding that dating relationships are still fundamentally "neighbor" relationships helps maintain proper boundaries and protects both parties from unnecessary hurt.

4. Sexual desire and lust originate in the heart

To lust is simply to desire someone sexually who should not be desired.

Heart issue. Contrary to popular belief, lust is not primarily about mental fantasies or physical arousal. Jesus teaches that lust occurs in the heart (Matthew 5:28). This means that even spontaneous sexual desire for someone who is not your spouse constitutes lust.

Controllable desire. While many view sexual desire as an uncontrollable bodily appetite, Scripture teaches that it can and should be controlled. This control stems from:

• Our convictions about God's truth
• Our spiritual union with Christ
• The work of the Holy Spirit in our lives

Developing a heart that desires purity requires:

• Embracing God's design for sexuality
• Cultivating a deep relationship with Christ
• Asking God to transform our desires
• Believing that sexual immorality is truly harmful

5. Guard your heart: Awaken love at the right time

Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

Timing matters. The Song of Solomon warns against prematurely awakening romantic love. This principle applies to both emotional and physical intimacy in relationships. Arousing passions before the appropriate context (marriage) can lead to:

• Emotional pain and disappointment
• Temptation to compromise sexual purity
• Distorted expectations for future relationships

Practical application:

• Avoid activities that intentionally stir up romantic feelings
• Be cautious about becoming emotionally dependent on someone you're not married to
• Reserve deep romantic gestures and expressions for engagement/marriage
• Focus on friendship and character assessment in pre-engagement relationships

By guarding your heart and the hearts of others, you protect the image of God expressed through human sexuality and set yourself up for a healthier future marriage.

6. Dating friendships: A biblical alternative to traditional dating

Think of a dating friendship as a precursor to a marriage proposal but without all the romantic, sexual overtones that so often accompany a typical dating relationship.

New approach. A "dating friendship" is defined as "two friends getting to know each other with a view toward marriage." This model preserves the purity guidelines of the neighbor relationship while allowing couples to explore marriage compatibility.

Key elements of dating friendships:

• Maintain sexual and romantic purity boundaries
• Communicate clearly about intentions
• View dating as an activity, not a relationship category
• Consider exclusivity as voluntary, not obligatory

Advantages:

• Clarity about relationship boundaries
• Freedom to assess compatibility without romantic distractions
• Reduced risk of emotional and physical compromise
• Consistency with biblical teaching on relationships

This approach allows couples to make informed decisions about marriage while honoring God's design for sexuality and relationships.

7. Integrate purity into your whole life

You will likely not maintain purity in your premarital relationships if you do not let the gospel transform you in every area of life.

Holistic purity. Sexual purity isn't just about what you do (or don't do) in dating relationships. It's a lifestyle that impacts every area of life. Areas to consider:

• Entertainment choices: Music, movies, TV, internet
• Modesty in dress
• Speech and interactions (e.g., flirting)
• Personal habits (e.g., masturbation)

Gospel-centered approach. True purity flows from a heart transformed by the gospel. This involves:

• Acknowledging your need for grace
• Embracing justification through Christ
• Allowing God to convict you of sin
• Relying on God's strength for growth
• Cultivating humility

By integrating purity into your whole life, you create a foundation that supports maintaining sexual boundaries in relationships.

8. Singleness can be a strategic calling for gospel advancement

Celibacy for the sake of the gospel is not a lesser state. Indeed, if chosen for godly reasons, singleness is valuable, strategic, and commendable.

Biblical perspective. While our culture often views singleness as undesirable, the Apostle Paul commends it as a potentially preferable state for serving Christ (1 Corinthians 7:25-40). Singleness allows for:

• Undivided devotion to the Lord
• Greater flexibility for ministry
• Focused energy on gospel advancement

Types of singleness:

1. By choice: Intentionally choosing celibacy for kingdom purposes
2. By gifting: Those with the "gift of singleness" (reduced sexual desire)
3. By God's providence: Those who desire marriage but remain single

For those in the third category, viewing celibacy as a "divinely appointed fast" can help reframe the experience and draw one closer to God.

Considerations:

• Prayerfully consider if God is calling you to singleness for His kingdom
• If single, use your current state strategically for gospel work
• Whether married or single, prioritize your relationship with Christ above all

Last updated: September 3, 2024