Sex from Scratch

1. Forge Your Own Relationship Rules

There is no destiny in relationships; we make our lives for ourselves.

Rejecting societal norms. The book challenges the reader to question traditional relationship models based on religion or tradition and instead, create a personalized ethical framework. This involves actively deciding what you want in a relationship, rather than passively accepting societal expectations.

Empowerment through choice. The core message is about empowerment. It encourages individuals to recognize that they have the ability to shape their romantic lives according to their own values and desires. This do-it-yourself approach emphasizes intentionality and critical thinking.

Personal skills and critical thinking. The book suggests that there are no universally right decisions in relationships, but rather, the importance lies in understanding that decisions need to be made consciously. Developing personal skills and ways of thinking critically can lead to healthier relationships, regardless of the chosen path.

2. Embrace Singleness as a Skill-Building Phase

Having a long-term partner can greatly add to your life, of course, but being single can hone some serious skills.

Reframing singleness. Instead of viewing being single as a problem to be solved, the book suggests embracing it as a valuable period for personal growth and skill development. This involves shifting the focus from finding a partner to investing in oneself.

Skills honed during singleness:

• Building a strong support network of friends
• Focusing on personal goals and self-discovery
• Learning emotional independence and self-reliance
• Developing clear personal boundaries

Intentionality without expectations. The book encourages being intentional about dating without placing excessive expectations on potential partners. This involves being clear about one's desires and boundaries while remaining open to new connections and experiences.

3. Build Feminist Relationships on Equality and Respect

Feminism isn’t just for women.

Beyond gender roles. The book emphasizes that feminism in relationships extends beyond just women's issues and involves challenging all forms of social rules and expectations. This includes addressing power dynamics related to race, class, sexuality, and ability.

Key elements of feminist relationships:

• Open communication about politics and values
• Recognition of privilege and power dynamics
• Respect for individual identities and boundaries
• Shared responsibility for emotional and domestic labor

Challenging societal expectations. The book encourages readers to actively challenge traditional gender roles and expectations in their relationships. This involves speaking up about needs and desires, supporting partners' ambitions, and creating a more equitable and fulfilling partnership.

4. Navigate Non-Monogamy with Honesty and Intention

Love is valuable and worth fighting for, but not worth being miserable for years.

Beyond traditional monogamy. The book explores the concept of ethical non-monogamy as a viable relationship model for those who question the constraints of traditional monogamy. This involves challenging societal norms and exploring alternative ways of structuring romantic relationships.

Key principles of ethical non-monogamy:

• Honesty and transparency with all partners
• Clear communication about boundaries and expectations
• Consent and respect for individual needs and desires
• Commitment to open and ongoing dialogue

Diverse relationship structures. The book highlights the wide range of non-monogamous relationship styles, from open relationships to polyamory, emphasizing that there is no one-size-fits-all approach. The key is to find a structure that works for all involved and to be intentional about creating a fulfilling and equitable dynamic.

5. Understand That Gender Is a Spectrum, Not a Binary

If I’d been comfortable trying to live as a man, I probably would.

Challenging gender norms. The book encourages readers to question rigid gender roles and expectations and to embrace a more fluid and inclusive understanding of gender identity. This involves recognizing that gender is a spectrum, not a binary.

Key concepts:

• Transgender and genderqueer identities
• The social construction of gender
• The importance of respecting individual pronouns and identities

Creating inclusive relationships. The book emphasizes the importance of creating relationships that are affirming and supportive of all gender identities. This involves listening to partners' experiences, respecting their boundaries, and challenging one's own assumptions about gender.

6. Make a Conscious Choice About Parenthood

I knew that my kid would have a great mom—because I knew I would be a great mom—and that she would have one of the best black dads that I knew.

Challenging the motherhood mandate. The book encourages readers to question the societal expectation that all women should desire motherhood and to make a conscious choice about whether or not to have children. This involves exploring one's own values, desires, and priorities.

Factors to consider:

• Personal fulfillment and career goals
• Financial stability and resources
• Environmental concerns and overpopulation
• The impact on one's relationship and lifestyle

Redefining family. The book highlights the diverse ways of creating meaningful relationships and building a fulfilling life without children. This involves challenging traditional notions of family and embracing alternative forms of connection and community.

7. Know When It's Time to Part Ways

Being in a relationship means, ‘Let’s talk about it.

Breaking up is not failure. The book challenges the notion that breaking up is a sign of failure and instead, frames it as a courageous act of self-awareness and honesty. This involves recognizing when a relationship is no longer serving one's needs and having the courage to move on.

Key considerations:

• Persistent unhappiness or dissatisfaction
• Lack of sexual attraction or intimacy
• Inability to resolve conflicts or communicate effectively
• Diverging values or life goals

Creating healthy endings. The book emphasizes the importance of ending relationships with respect, honesty, and compassion. This involves communicating openly with one's partner, setting clear boundaries, and prioritizing the well-being of all involved.

Last updated: February 9, 2025