The 4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages

1. Joy-Filled Marriages Thrive on Intentional Habits

If you don’t learn how to shrink the joy gap in your marriage, things could get ugly.

Habits over Happiness. Joy in marriage isn't a passive feeling but an active creation. Couples who prioritize joy and build habits around it experience greater intimacy and happiness. The absence of joy leads to distance, resentment, and ultimately, the feeling of falling out of love.

The Joy Gap. The "joy gap" is the time between moments of shared joy. A wide joy gap creates distance and allows negative emotions to fester. Intentional habits are the bridge that shrinks this gap, making joy the default setting in the relationship.

The PLAN Acronym. The four habits of joy-filled marriages are encapsulated in the acronym PLAN: Play together, Listen for emotion, Appreciate daily, and Nurture rhythm. These habits, practiced consistently, transform a marriage from a business partnership into a joyful companionship.

2. Brain Science Reveals the Power of Joyful Attachment

The discovery of the brain magnet has shown that attachment—specifically, joyful attachment—is the most powerful motivator in life.

The Brain Magnet. The deepest part of the brain craves attachment, making joyful connection the strongest motivator. This "brain magnet" drives us to bond, and the pain of separation is only surpassed by the joy of connection.

Joy Bonds vs. Fear Bonds. Relationships can bond in joy or fear. Joy bonds are characterized by smiles, positive feelings, and emotional safety, while fear bonds involve hiding emotions, isolation, and treating each other like enemies. The goal is to transform fear bonds into joy bonds.

The Joy Bucket. The "joy bucket" is a brain center that grows with the experience of joy, increasing emotional capacity and resilience. Filling this bucket through joyful activities strengthens attachment and improves the ability to navigate marital challenges.

3. Overcoming Obstacles: The Button Dance, Fear Mapping, and Resentment

When too much time passes between moments of shared joy, a joy gap is created that makes you feel distant and alone in your marriage.

The Button Dance. This refers to the cycle of pushing each other's emotional buttons, leading to explosive reactions and increased fear. Breaking free involves recognizing triggers and developing healthier responses.

Fear Mapping. This is the habit of scanning for problems instead of appreciating blessings, leading to a focus on pain and avoidance. Overcoming fear mapping requires intentionally seeking out and appreciating the positive aspects of the relationship.

Resentment's Grip. Resentment thrives in the absence of joy and forgiveness. Choosing to forgive and seeing each other as God sees them helps break the cycle of resentment and allows the relationship to grow.

4. Habit #1: Play Together to Rekindle Joy and Intimacy

You have to play together and keep having fun.

Friendship First. Playing together is the foundation of a great marriage. It keeps the relationship light, fun, and connected. Shared hobbies, weekly dates, and vacations provide opportunities for joy and create lasting memories.

Relational Sex. Sex should be a joyful bonding experience, not a task. Planning ahead, being spontaneous, and focusing on mutual pleasure enhances intimacy and strengthens the relationship.

Social Routines. Ending the day happy to be together is crucial. Establishing rules like stopping problem-solving before bed and sharing appreciation creates a positive social routine that fosters joy and connection.

5. Habit #2: Listen for Emotion to Build Deeper Connections

Communication is useless (and sometimes dangerous) if your relational circuits aren’t on.

Relational Circuits First. Communication is ineffective if relational circuits are shut down. Engaging the relational brain through empathy and connection is essential before attempting to solve problems.

Validation is Key. Listening for emotions and validating them is crucial. Accurately identifying and acknowledging each other's feelings creates safety and understanding, keeping the relationship bigger than the problem.

The SAD-SAD Emotions. Understanding the six core negative emotions—Sadness, Anxiety, Despair, Shame, Anger, and Disgust—helps in accurately validating each other's feelings. Recognizing these emotions and responding with empathy strengthens the bond.

6. Habit #3: Appreciate Daily to Cultivate Gratitude and Affection

Appreciation attracts. Resentment repels.

Appreciation vs. Gratitude. Appreciation is a feeling of shared joy, while gratitude is simply saying "thank you." Cultivating appreciation involves dwelling on the qualities you admire in your spouse, strengthening the bond between you.

Establishing a Routine. Verbalizing qualities, hugging, cuddling, and lighting up when you see your spouse are all ways to build a routine of appreciation. These small acts create a positive cycle of affection and joy.

Written Appreciation. Writing letters and making lists of what you appreciate about your spouse helps you remember and dwell on the positive aspects of the relationship, combating resentment and fostering connection.

7. Habit #4: Nurture a Rhythm for Sustainable Joy and Rest

You develop an affection for what you appreciate.

Joy Camp. Creating a "joy camp" at home involves establishing a rhythm of relational time together. Starting and ending the day relationally, and scheduling regular times for connection, increases joy and provides margin for rest.

The Power of Hygge. The Danish practice of "hygge," or intentional intimacy, emphasizes doing things you like with people you like. This lifestyle promotes lower stress and greater relational happiness.

Rest and Rhythm. Balancing activity with rest is crucial for emotional capacity. Nurturing a rhythm that includes times of resting together creates security and promotes a sustainable foundation for joy.

8. Making a PLAN: Integrating Joyful Habits into Daily Life

We hope this book has helped you shrink the joy gap in your marriage and helped you set sail on a new adventure of building a joy-filled marriage.

Review and Reflect. Take time to review the journey, noting changes and growth. Identify favorite exercises and plan how to integrate them into daily life.

Calendar Commitment. Schedule date nights, special events, and getaways. Make these a priority to ensure consistent connection and joy.

Document Joy. Write a letter every New Year's Eve, documenting how your partner has brought joy to your life and sharing hopes for the future. This practice reinforces appreciation and strengthens the bond.

9. The Importance of Sexual Identity and Intimacy

The Bible affirms the fixed nature of sexual identity and links it with physiology.

Created Male and Female. The Bible affirms a binary sexual identity, with male and female designed to be interdependent. This design extends beyond marriage, influencing relationships within the church and society.

Beyond Sexual Expression. Intimacy is more than sex. It's a grace given to the soul, experienced within the context of community, family, and the church. Relational intimacy is not limited to sexual expression.

Broken Cisterns and Broken Hearts. The church must offer help to those struggling with their sexuality, moving beyond simple prescriptions to address the deeper issues of the heart and offer a path to healing and wholeness.

10. The Power of Purpose and Sanctified Goals

Beliefs about God affect the way people perform on self-control tests.

Purpose is an Engine. Focusing on a transcendent goal fuels self-control. Paul's life exemplifies this, as his commitment to spreading the gospel enabled him to endure immense hardship.

Sanctified Goals. Giving spiritual significance to endeavors energizes goal striving. Couples who view their marriages as manifestations of God have better relationships, and workers who see their careers as a calling perform better.

The Sweeter Song. Resisting temptation involves listening to a "sweeter song" – tuning in to God's purpose and delighting in Him. This approach captures the heart and drowns out the seductive strains of the world.

Last updated: February 26, 2025