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The Explosive Child [Sixth Edition]

The Explosive Child [Sixth Edition]

A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated,Chronically Inflexible Children
by Ross W.Greene 2021
4.19
1k+ ratings
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Key Takeaways

1. Concerning Behaviors Signal Unmet Expectations, Not Willful Defiance

Rather, what those behaviors are telling us is the most important part. And what they’re telling us is that your child is having difficulty meeting certain expectations.

Reframing behavior. The core premise is to shift away from viewing concerning behaviors (screaming, hitting, withdrawal) as intentional acts of defiance, manipulation, or attention-seeking. Instead, these behaviors are seen as signals that a child is struggling to meet specific expectations. This perspective change is crucial for adopting more effective and compassionate strategies.

Focus on expectations. Instead of reacting to the behavior itself, the focus should be on identifying the unmet expectations that trigger the behavior. For example, a child who hits when asked to turn off the video game isn't necessarily being defiant; they may be struggling with the transition or the loss of control.

Challenging labels. Terms like "willful," "manipulative," and "attention-seeking" are often inaccurate and counterproductive. They lead to interventions that punish or ignore the behavior without addressing the underlying cause. By understanding the root cause, caregivers can respond more effectively.

2. Lagging Skills, Not Motivation, Underlie Explosive Behavior

Kids do well if they can.

Skills deficit. The book posits that children exhibiting concerning behaviors often lack crucial skills, such as flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, emotion regulation, and problem-solving. These skills are essential for meeting expectations and handling challenges adaptively.

Motivation vs. ability. The traditional approach assumes that children are motivated to misbehave and need external incentives (rewards and punishments) to comply. However, the book argues that children want to do well but are often unable to due to skill deficits. This perspective shifts the focus from motivation to skill-building.

Reading disability analogy. The book draws a parallel between behavioral challenges and learning disabilities. Just as a child with a reading disability needs targeted support to develop reading skills, a child with behavioral challenges needs targeted support to develop lagging skills.

3. Unsolved Problems Are Predictable and Can Be Addressed Proactively

Those expectations—called unsolved problems—are predictable and can be identified and solved proactively.

Predictability of triggers. Many caregivers believe that concerning behaviors occur randomly. However, the book argues that these behaviors are often triggered by specific, recurring situations or expectations that the child struggles to meet. Identifying these "unsolved problems" makes the behaviors more predictable.

Proactive vs. reactive approach. Instead of waiting for concerning behaviors to erupt and then reacting with punishment or discipline, the book advocates for a proactive approach. By identifying and addressing unsolved problems before they trigger a crisis, caregivers can prevent many challenging episodes.

Defining unsolved problems. Unsolved problems are defined as specific expectations that a child is having difficulty meeting. Examples include:

  • Difficulty getting ready for school on time
  • Difficulty sharing toys with siblings
  • Difficulty completing homework assignments

4. Traditional Consequences Often Fail and Can Exacerbate Problems

If all those consequences were going to work, they would have worked a long time ago.

Ineffectiveness of rewards and punishments. The book challenges the conventional wisdom that rewards and punishments are the most effective way to manage children's behavior. It argues that these strategies often fail with children who lack the skills to meet expectations.

Power struggles. Traditional discipline methods often create power struggles between caregivers and children. These power struggles can escalate conflict and damage relationships.

Alternative approach. Instead of relying on consequences, the book advocates for a collaborative problem-solving approach that focuses on understanding the child's perspective and working together to find mutually acceptable solutions.

5. Plan B: Collaborative Problem Solving Is Key

Plan B involves solving a problem collaboratively, a process in which you and your child work together to solve the problems that have been setting the stage for challenging episodes and that have been so destructive to your relationship with each other.

Collaborative approach. Plan B is a collaborative problem-solving method that involves working with the child, rather than imposing solutions on them. This approach fosters communication, builds trust, and empowers the child to participate in finding solutions.

Three steps of Plan B. Plan B consists of three key steps:

  1. Empathy: Gathering information from the child to understand their perspective.
  2. Define Adult Concerns: Communicating the caregiver's concerns and perspective.
  3. Invitation: Collaboratively brainstorming and agreeing on a solution that addresses both the child's and the caregiver's concerns.

Shifting power dynamics. Plan B shifts the power dynamic from a top-down, authoritarian approach to a more collaborative and egalitarian one. This can be challenging for caregivers who are accustomed to being in control, but it ultimately leads to more effective and sustainable solutions.

6. Empathy, Defined Concerns, and Invitation: The Three Steps of Plan B

The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand what’s making it hard for her to meet a particular expectation.

Empathy Step. The first step involves actively listening to the child's perspective and gathering information about what's making it difficult for them to meet a particular expectation. This requires genuine curiosity and a willingness to understand the child's point of view.

Define Adult Concerns Step. The second step involves clearly communicating the caregiver's concerns and perspective on the problem. This is not about imposing a solution but about explaining why it's important that the expectation be met.

Invitation Step. The final step involves inviting the child to collaborate on finding a solution that addresses both their concerns and the caregiver's concerns. This requires brainstorming, negotiation, and a willingness to compromise.

7. Nuances of Plan B: Troubleshooting Common Challenges

The problem is not that caregivers sometimes use Plan A. The problem is that caregivers use Plan A a lot and stick with it even when it’s not working.

Common pitfalls. Even with a solid understanding of Plan B, caregivers may encounter challenges in implementing it effectively. These challenges include:

  • Relying on Emergency Plan B instead of Proactive Plan B
  • Entering Plan B with a preordained solution
  • Skipping one of the three key ingredients
  • Not believing the child's concerns

Strategies for overcoming challenges. The book provides practical strategies for overcoming these challenges, such as:

  • Practicing active listening and reflective responding
  • Being patient and persistent
  • Seeking support from other caregivers or professionals

Importance of self-reflection. Caregivers need to be willing to reflect on their own behavior and identify any patterns that may be hindering the problem-solving process. This requires honesty, humility, and a commitment to continuous improvement.

8. Extending Plan B: Family, School, and Beyond

You’re going to feel a lot more in charge than you do now.

Sibling dynamics. Plan B can be used to address conflicts between siblings by facilitating communication, promoting empathy, and helping them find mutually acceptable solutions. This can create a more harmonious and supportive family environment.

School implementation. Plan B can be implemented in schools to address behavioral challenges and create a more positive and supportive learning environment. This requires training teachers and administrators in the principles of collaborative problem-solving.

Beyond family and school. The principles of Plan B can be applied to a wide range of relationships and settings, including workplaces, communities, and even international relations. By fostering communication, promoting empathy, and seeking mutually beneficial solutions, we can create a more collaborative and peaceful world.

Last updated:

FAQ

1. What is "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene about?

  • Focus on Challenging Kids: The book addresses how to understand and help children who are easily frustrated, chronically inflexible, and prone to explosive or implosive outbursts.
  • New Approach: It introduces the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model, which shifts the focus from punishing behaviors to solving the underlying problems causing those behaviors.
  • Beyond Behavior: Greene emphasizes that concerning behaviors are signals of lagging skills and unsolved problems, not signs of bad parenting or willful disobedience.
  • Practical Guidance: The book provides step-by-step strategies for parents, teachers, and caregivers to work collaboratively with children to solve problems and build essential life skills.

2. Why should I read "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene?

  • Evidence-Based Model: The CPS approach is validated by research and has been implemented successfully in families, schools, and treatment settings worldwide.
  • Hope for Stressed Families: The book offers optimism and practical tools for parents who feel overwhelmed, hopeless, or blamed for their child’s behavior.
  • Compassionate Perspective: It helps readers replace outdated, punitive views with a more compassionate, skill-building mindset.
  • Applicable to Many Settings: The strategies are useful not only for parents but also for teachers, therapists, and anyone working with challenging children.

3. What are the key takeaways from "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene?

  • Kids Do Well If They Can: Children want to behave well and will do so if they have the necessary skills; challenging behavior signals lagging skills, not lack of motivation.
  • Focus on Problems, Not Behaviors: Addressing the specific unsolved problems that trigger outbursts is more effective than focusing on the behaviors themselves.
  • Collaborative Problem Solving: Working together with the child to find mutually satisfactory solutions builds skills and improves relationships.
  • Proactive, Not Reactive: Solving problems before they escalate is more effective than responding in the heat of the moment.

4. What is the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model described in "The Explosive Child"?

  • Three Plans: CPS offers three ways to handle unsolved problems: Plan A (impose adult will), Plan B (collaborative problem solving), and Plan C (temporarily set aside the problem).
  • Plan B Focus: The model prioritizes Plan B, which involves three steps: Empathy (gathering the child’s concerns), Define Adult Concerns, and Invitation (brainstorming solutions together).
  • Skill-Building: CPS is designed to enhance flexibility, frustration tolerance, emotion regulation, and problem-solving skills in children.
  • Proactive Approach: The model encourages identifying and addressing predictable problems before they lead to explosive episodes.

5. How does "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene define and address "lagging skills"?

  • Definition: Lagging skills are deficits in areas like flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, emotion regulation, and problem solving.
  • Not Motivation: The book stresses that these are not issues of motivation or willfulness; children would do well if they could.
  • Assessment Tool: Greene introduces the Assessment of Lagging Skills & Unsolved Problems (ALSUP) to help caregivers identify specific skill deficits.
  • Indirect Teaching: Most lagging skills are improved not through direct instruction, but by collaboratively solving problems with the child.

6. What are "unsolved problems" in "The Explosive Child," and how should they be identified?

  • Definition: Unsolved problems are specific expectations a child is having difficulty meeting, which predictably trigger concerning behaviors.
  • Precise Wording: Problems should be worded without mentioning the child’s behavior or adult theories—focus on the situation, not the reaction.
  • Splitting, Not Clumping: Each unsolved problem should be listed separately, even if they seem similar (e.g., different types of homework).
  • Prioritization: Caregivers should prioritize the most pressing unsolved problems to address first, rather than trying to solve everything at once.

7. How does "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene recommend handling consequences, rewards, and punishments?

  • Ineffectiveness for Challenging Kids: Traditional consequences, rewards, and punishments often fail with children who have lagging skills, and can even make things worse.
  • Not a Motivation Issue: Since the problem is not lack of motivation, increasing rewards or punishments does not address the root cause.
  • Focus on Problem Solving: The book advocates for shifting energy from managing behavior to collaboratively solving the problems causing the behavior.
  • Natural Consequences: While natural consequences can be powerful, they are not effective if the child lacks the skills to behave adaptively.

8. What are the three options (Plans A, B, and C) for handling unsolved problems in "The Explosive Child"?

  • Plan A (Impose Adult Will): The adult unilaterally decides and enforces a solution, which often leads to conflict with inflexible children.
  • Plan B (Collaborative Problem Solving): The adult and child work together to understand each other’s concerns and find a mutually satisfactory solution.
  • Plan C (Set Aside the Problem): The adult temporarily drops the expectation, reducing conflict and allowing focus on higher-priority issues.
  • Strategic Use: The book recommends using Plan B for high-priority problems, Plan C for lower-priority ones, and Plan A only for immediate safety concerns.

9. How do you implement Plan B (collaborative problem solving) from "The Explosive Child"?

  • Step 1: Empathy: Begin by gathering information from the child about what’s making it hard to meet a specific expectation, using open-ended, nonjudgmental questions.
  • Step 2: Define Adult Concerns: Clearly communicate why the expectation matters, focusing on health, safety, or learning, without proposing solutions yet.
  • Step 3: Invitation: Collaboratively brainstorm solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory, ensuring both parties’ concerns are addressed.
  • Practice and Patience: Plan B is a skill that improves with practice; initial attempts may be challenging, but persistence leads to better outcomes.

10. How does "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene address family dynamics, siblings, and communication?

  • Impact on Family: A child with concerning behaviors can strain family relationships, sibling dynamics, and parental partnerships.
  • Fairness vs. Equality: The book emphasizes that fair does not mean equal—each child gets what they need, which may differ among siblings.
  • Healthy Communication: Avoid maladaptive patterns like speculation, overgeneralization, sarcasm, and lecturing; instead, use empathy and problem-solving.
  • Involving Siblings: Siblings can be included in Plan B discussions, with parents facilitating to ensure everyone’s concerns are heard and addressed.

11. How does "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene apply its methods to schools and teachers?

  • School Challenges: The book recognizes that traditional school discipline (detentions, suspensions) often fails with behaviorally challenging students.
  • CPS in Schools: The CPS model can be used by teachers to identify lagging skills and unsolved problems, and to solve them collaboratively with students.
  • Team Approach: Effective implementation requires awareness, urgency, expertise, time, and ongoing communication among school staff and families.
  • Beyond Individual Students: Plan B can be used for student–teacher, student–student, group, and parent–teacher problem solving in educational settings.

12. What are the most important quotes from "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene, and what do they mean?

  • "Kids do well if they can." This central quote encapsulates the book’s philosophy: children want to behave well and will do so if they have the skills.
  • "The problem is not that caregivers sometimes use Plan A. The problem is that caregivers use Plan A a lot and stick with it even when it’s not working." This highlights the need to move away from ineffective, unilateral solutions.
  • "If you teach power, you’ll get power back." Imposing will leads to power struggles, not cooperation.
  • "Solving problems collaboratively is a win-win proposition." The book’s core message is that working together with children leads to better outcomes for everyone.
  • "Better begets better." Progress may be incremental, but each step forward makes further improvement possible.

Review Summary

4.19 out of 5
Average of 1k+ ratings from Goodreads and Amazon.

The Explosive Child receives mostly positive reviews, with readers appreciating its collaborative approach to parenting challenging children. Many find the book's strategies helpful and eye-opening, praising its focus on understanding underlying issues rather than punishing behaviors. Some readers note the book's repetitive nature and question its applicability in all situations. Overall, parents and educators find value in the book's emphasis on empathy, communication, and problem-solving, though some struggle with implementing the strategies in practice.

Your rating:
4.58
29 ratings

About the Author

Ross W. Greene is a clinical child psychologist and author known for his work with behaviorally challenging children. He developed the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model, which forms the basis of "The Explosive Child" and his other books. Greene's approach emphasizes understanding the root causes of difficult behaviors and working collaboratively with children to solve problems. He has written several books on the subject and conducts workshops and training sessions for parents, educators, and mental health professionals. Greene's work has gained recognition for its focus on empathy and skill-building rather than traditional reward-and-punishment systems.

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