The Explosive Child [Sixth Edition]

1. Concerning Behaviors Signal Unmet Expectations, Not Willful Defiance

Rather, what those behaviors are telling us is the most important part. And what they’re telling us is that your child is having difficulty meeting certain expectations.

Reframing behavior. The core premise is to shift away from viewing concerning behaviors (screaming, hitting, withdrawal) as intentional acts of defiance, manipulation, or attention-seeking. Instead, these behaviors are seen as signals that a child is struggling to meet specific expectations. This perspective change is crucial for adopting more effective and compassionate strategies.

Focus on expectations. Instead of reacting to the behavior itself, the focus should be on identifying the unmet expectations that trigger the behavior. For example, a child who hits when asked to turn off the video game isn't necessarily being defiant; they may be struggling with the transition or the loss of control.

Challenging labels. Terms like "willful," "manipulative," and "attention-seeking" are often inaccurate and counterproductive. They lead to interventions that punish or ignore the behavior without addressing the underlying cause. By understanding the root cause, caregivers can respond more effectively.

2. Lagging Skills, Not Motivation, Underlie Explosive Behavior

Kids do well if they can.

Skills deficit. The book posits that children exhibiting concerning behaviors often lack crucial skills, such as flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, emotion regulation, and problem-solving. These skills are essential for meeting expectations and handling challenges adaptively.

Motivation vs. ability. The traditional approach assumes that children are motivated to misbehave and need external incentives (rewards and punishments) to comply. However, the book argues that children want to do well but are often unable to due to skill deficits. This perspective shifts the focus from motivation to skill-building.

Reading disability analogy. The book draws a parallel between behavioral challenges and learning disabilities. Just as a child with a reading disability needs targeted support to develop reading skills, a child with behavioral challenges needs targeted support to develop lagging skills.

3. Unsolved Problems Are Predictable and Can Be Addressed Proactively

Those expectations—called unsolved problems—are predictable and can be identified and solved proactively.

Predictability of triggers. Many caregivers believe that concerning behaviors occur randomly. However, the book argues that these behaviors are often triggered by specific, recurring situations or expectations that the child struggles to meet. Identifying these "unsolved problems" makes the behaviors more predictable.

Proactive vs. reactive approach. Instead of waiting for concerning behaviors to erupt and then reacting with punishment or discipline, the book advocates for a proactive approach. By identifying and addressing unsolved problems before they trigger a crisis, caregivers can prevent many challenging episodes.

Defining unsolved problems. Unsolved problems are defined as specific expectations that a child is having difficulty meeting. Examples include:

• Difficulty getting ready for school on time
• Difficulty sharing toys with siblings
• Difficulty completing homework assignments

4. Traditional Consequences Often Fail and Can Exacerbate Problems

If all those consequences were going to work, they would have worked a long time ago.

Ineffectiveness of rewards and punishments. The book challenges the conventional wisdom that rewards and punishments are the most effective way to manage children's behavior. It argues that these strategies often fail with children who lack the skills to meet expectations.

Power struggles. Traditional discipline methods often create power struggles between caregivers and children. These power struggles can escalate conflict and damage relationships.

Alternative approach. Instead of relying on consequences, the book advocates for a collaborative problem-solving approach that focuses on understanding the child's perspective and working together to find mutually acceptable solutions.

5. Plan B: Collaborative Problem Solving Is Key

Plan B involves solving a problem collaboratively, a process in which you and your child work together to solve the problems that have been setting the stage for challenging episodes and that have been so destructive to your relationship with each other.

Collaborative approach. Plan B is a collaborative problem-solving method that involves working with the child, rather than imposing solutions on them. This approach fosters communication, builds trust, and empowers the child to participate in finding solutions.

Three steps of Plan B. Plan B consists of three key steps:

1. Empathy: Gathering information from the child to understand their perspective.
2. Define Adult Concerns: Communicating the caregiver's concerns and perspective.
3. Invitation: Collaboratively brainstorming and agreeing on a solution that addresses both the child's and the caregiver's concerns.

Shifting power dynamics. Plan B shifts the power dynamic from a top-down, authoritarian approach to a more collaborative and egalitarian one. This can be challenging for caregivers who are accustomed to being in control, but it ultimately leads to more effective and sustainable solutions.

6. Empathy, Defined Concerns, and Invitation: The Three Steps of Plan B

The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand what’s making it hard for her to meet a particular expectation.

Empathy Step. The first step involves actively listening to the child's perspective and gathering information about what's making it difficult for them to meet a particular expectation. This requires genuine curiosity and a willingness to understand the child's point of view.

Define Adult Concerns Step. The second step involves clearly communicating the caregiver's concerns and perspective on the problem. This is not about imposing a solution but about explaining why it's important that the expectation be met.

Invitation Step. The final step involves inviting the child to collaborate on finding a solution that addresses both their concerns and the caregiver's concerns. This requires brainstorming, negotiation, and a willingness to compromise.

7. Nuances of Plan B: Troubleshooting Common Challenges

The problem is not that caregivers sometimes use Plan A. The problem is that caregivers use Plan A a lot and stick with it even when it’s not working.

Common pitfalls. Even with a solid understanding of Plan B, caregivers may encounter challenges in implementing it effectively. These challenges include:

• Relying on Emergency Plan B instead of Proactive Plan B
• Entering Plan B with a preordained solution
• Skipping one of the three key ingredients
• Not believing the child's concerns

Strategies for overcoming challenges. The book provides practical strategies for overcoming these challenges, such as:

• Practicing active listening and reflective responding
• Being patient and persistent
• Seeking support from other caregivers or professionals

Importance of self-reflection. Caregivers need to be willing to reflect on their own behavior and identify any patterns that may be hindering the problem-solving process. This requires honesty, humility, and a commitment to continuous improvement.

8. Extending Plan B: Family, School, and Beyond

You’re going to feel a lot more in charge than you do now.

Sibling dynamics. Plan B can be used to address conflicts between siblings by facilitating communication, promoting empathy, and helping them find mutually acceptable solutions. This can create a more harmonious and supportive family environment.

School implementation. Plan B can be implemented in schools to address behavioral challenges and create a more positive and supportive learning environment. This requires training teachers and administrators in the principles of collaborative problem-solving.

Beyond family and school. The principles of Plan B can be applied to a wide range of relationships and settings, including workplaces, communities, and even international relations. By fostering communication, promoting empathy, and seeking mutually beneficial solutions, we can create a more collaborative and peaceful world.

Last updated: February 28, 2025