The Kid

1. Gay Men Can Be Parents Too

When I came out in 1980, it didn’t occur to me that one day I would be able to adopt a child.

A historical shift. For gay men coming out in earlier decades, parenthood seemed impossible or illegal. The idea of having a family was often seen as a heterosexual privilege.

Adoption as victory. For the author and his boyfriend, Terry, pursuing adoption wasn't a last resort after infertility, but a triumph. It represented a hard-won opportunity previously denied to gay individuals.

Challenging assumptions. Their journey challenges the historical narrative that gay men are a threat to families or uninterested in raising children. Their presence in the adoption process is a form of progress.

2. Open Adoption: Honesty Over Secrecy

In an open adoption, there are no secrets: the kid grows up knowing he was adopted, and knowing who his bio-parents are.

Transparency is key. Unlike traditional closed adoptions with sealed records, open adoption involves ongoing contact between the birth mother and the adoptive family. The birth mother selects the family and maintains a relationship.

Benefits for the child. This model aims to prevent the adopted child from wondering about their origins or feeling abandoned. They can ask questions directly and understand their history.

Empowering birth mothers. Open adoption allows birth mothers to play a role in choosing their child's family and see their child thrive, potentially reducing regret and facilitating healing.

3. Adoption Isn't Just for Straight Couples

Making or adopting babies isn’t something “they” expect to see “us” doing.

Feeling out of place. Attending an adoption seminar filled with straight, often Christian, infertile couples highlighted their minority status. They felt conspicuous and wondered about others' judgment.

Different paths converge. While straight couples often arrive at adoption after the pain of infertility, gay couples pursue it as a primary path to parenthood, a hard-won right.

Shared challenges emerge. Despite different starting points, both gay and straight adoptive parents face hurdles like intrusive home studies and the anxieties of waiting to be chosen.

4. Why Gay Men Want Kids (It's Complicated)

Kids are a self-actualization project for the parents involved.

More than biology. For gay men, having children isn't about accidental pregnancy or propagating the species. It's a deliberate choice for self-fulfillment and finding meaning.

Avoiding a lonely future. Parenthood offers a hedge against a potentially lonely old age, providing connection and relevance beyond typical gay "DINK" lifestyles focused on travel or hobbies.

Less noble reasons too. Motivations can include wanting a hobby, proving a point, or even, for the author, having an excuse to get fat without judgment. The timing was also influenced by a book deal.

5. The Paperwork & The Prejudice

Only adoptive parents have to prove themselves fit.

Intrusive scrutiny. The adoption process requires extensive documentation, background checks, and home studies, forcing applicants to open their lives to agency and state inspection.

A double standard. Unlike fertile straight couples who face no such vetting, adoptive parents must prove their worthiness, adding indignity to the already stressful process.

Facing subtle bias. Despite agency support, they encountered potential prejudice, like birth mothers prioritizing Christian homes, and faced criticism from some in the gay community who felt they weren't the "right kind" of gay men to adopt.

6. Meeting the Birth Mother: Expect the Unexpected

Melissa said you looked like real people, like people she might know.

The human connection. After navigating paperwork and profiles, meeting the birth mother is the crucial step. Melissa, a young homeless woman, chose them because they seemed "real" compared to other applicants.

Beyond the profile. Melissa's life presented unexpected complexities: a history of substance use, an absent birth father, and her transient lifestyle, challenging their initial expectations.

Building a unique bond. Their interactions were sometimes awkward, but sharing meals and conversations about her life, music, and even spare-changing helped forge a connection based on mutual respect, despite their vastly different worlds.

7. Navigating Fears About the Baby's Health

Judging from the amount of alcohol we’re talking about, the drinking pattern you’ve described, and the ultrasound report, I would say that the risk of this baby having FAS is very low.

Substance use concerns. Learning about Melissa's drinking and drug use during pregnancy raised fears about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), prompting intense research and anxiety.

Seeking expert reassurance. Consulting medical specialists helped alleviate fears, clarifying that the risk was low based on specific factors, countering alarming online information.

Accepting inherent risk. Ultimately, they decided to proceed, recognizing that all children, biological or adopted, come with uncertainties, and they were willing to accept the potential challenges.

8. Family Reactions: Surprising Support & Silence

My family loves to talk, but in Terry’s family actions speak louder than words.

Varied responses. Telling their families about the adoption elicited a range of reactions, from Dan's mother's effusive excitement to Terry's mother's initially muted response.

Undoing past pain. For Dan's mother, the adoption was a joyous event, fulfilling her wish for him to be a father, a possibility she thought was lost when he came out.

Actions speak volumes. Terry's mother, though quiet, demonstrated her support powerfully by driving a long distance to deliver an heirloom crib, showing her acceptance and excitement.

9. The Emotional Weight of Placement

No one warned us about the moment when you pick the baby up and walk out of the room, leaving the birth mom sobbing in her bed.

The hand-off. The moment the birth mother formally places the baby with the adoptive parents is intensely emotional, marked by Melissa's tears and the couple's own grief and shock.

Witnessing the pain. Seeing Melissa's struggle to say goodbye, though difficult, underscored the profound sacrifice she was making and solidified the reality of open adoption.

Foundation for the future. This shared, painful moment provides a crucial foundation for the child's understanding of their adoption story, allowing the adoptive parents to honestly convey their birth mother's love and difficulty in letting go.

10. Becoming Dads: Messy, Real, and Worth It

We were panicking because we had nothing we needed.

Unprepared but ready. Despite extensive planning, the baby's early arrival and their impending move left them feeling physically unprepared, highlighting the unpredictable nature of parenthood.

Navigating new dynamics. The first weeks involved adjusting to the realities of infant care, managing conflicting advice from excited grandmothers, and finding their rhythm as a family.

Love transcends origins. Holding their son, Daryl Jude, they moved beyond abstract ideas of adoption and faced the messy, real, and ultimately rewarding experience of becoming fathers, ready to embrace the future, whatever it held.

Last updated: May 3, 2025