The New Strong-Willed Child

1. Strong-willed children are born that way and require tailored parenting approaches

Children don't start life at the same place. They bring with them an individuality that is uniquely their own, different from that of every other individual who has ever lived.

Innate temperament. Strong-willed children are born with a predisposition to challenge authority and assert their independence. This temperament is not a result of poor parenting or environmental factors, but a genetic trait that manifests early in life. Research shows that parents can often identify a strong-willed child within the first few years of life.

Tailored approaches. Because strong-willed children are inherently different, they require unique parenting strategies:

• Consistency in discipline and expectations
• Clear boundaries and consequences
• Positive reinforcement for good behavior
• Opportunities for appropriate independence and decision-making
• patience and understanding of their natural inclination to test limits

2. Shaping the will without breaking the spirit is crucial for healthy development

Whereas the will is made of titanium and steel, the human spirit is a million times more delicate.

Balancing act. Parents must find the delicate balance between shaping a child's will and preserving their spirit. This requires:

• Firm discipline when necessary
• Avoiding harsh criticism or personal attacks
• Encouraging and praising positive behaviors
• Providing a loving, supportive environment

Long-term impact. Shaping the will without breaking the spirit has significant long-term benefits:

• Develops self-discipline and self-control
• Builds resilience and emotional strength
• Fosters a positive self-image and confidence
• Prepares children for success in relationships and careers

3. Effective discipline combines love and control, avoiding extremes

Children tend to thrive best in an environment where these two ingredients, love and control, are present in balanced proportions.

Balanced approach. Effective discipline requires a combination of love and control, avoiding extremes of permissiveness or authoritarianism. This balanced approach includes:

• Setting clear rules and expectations
• Consistently enforcing consequences
• Showing unconditional love and affection
• Providing explanations for rules and decisions
• Allowing age-appropriate independence

Avoiding extremes. Both overly permissive and excessively strict parenting styles can lead to problems:

• Permissiveness: lack of self-control, entitlement, difficulty with authority
• Authoritarianism: low self-esteem, rebellion, difficulty with independence

4. Corporal punishment can be appropriate when used correctly and sparingly

Corporal punishment that is not administered according to very carefully thought-out guidelines has the potential to become dangerous.

Guidelines for corporal punishment:

• Use only for clear, deliberate misbehavior
• Apply after other forms of discipline have been ineffective
• Administer calmly, not in anger
• Use only on children between 18 months and 10 years old
• Confine to the buttocks area
• Follow with a loving explanation and reassurance

Alternatives to spanking:

• Time-outs
• Logical consequences
• Removal of privileges
• Positive reinforcement for good behavior

It's important to note that corporal punishment is controversial and not appropriate for all children or families. Parents should carefully consider their approach to discipline and seek professional advice if needed.

5. Sibling rivalry is natural but can be managed with careful parenting strategies

Sibling rivalry is difficult to cure, but it certainly can be treated.

Managing sibling rivalry:

• Avoid comparisons between siblings
• Establish a fair system of rules and consequences
• Recognize that rivalry often stems from a desire for parental attention
• Encourage cooperation and teamwork between siblings
• Spend individual time with each child

Positive outcomes. While sibling rivalry can be challenging, it can also have benefits:

• Teaches conflict resolution skills
• Develops empathy and understanding
• Prepares children for future relationships
• Builds resilience and adaptability

6. Adolescence brings unique challenges, especially for strong-willed teens

Most children will regain their equilibrium in due time and your relationship will stabilize—providing you're not the one who is insane by that point.

Adolescent challenges:

• Hormonal changes affecting mood and behavior
• Increased desire for independence
• Peer pressure and social influences
• Identity formation and self-discovery

Strategies for parenting strong-willed teens:

• Maintain open communication
• Set clear boundaries while allowing appropriate independence
• Choose battles wisely
• Provide opportunities for decision-making and responsibility
• Show respect and dignity, even during conflicts
• Stay involved in their lives while giving space

Remember that adolescence is a temporary phase, and with patience and understanding, most parent-teen relationships improve as children mature.

7. ADHD often coexists with strong-willed temperaments, requiring special consideration

Between 40 and 60 percent of kids with ADHD may have a condition known as Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or ODD, which manifests itself with a pattern of persistent arguing with adults; losing one's temper frequently; refusing to follow orders; deliberately annoying others; and showing recurrent anger, resentfulness, spitefulness, and vindictiveness.

ADHD and strong-willed children:

• ADHD is a real neurological condition, not a result of poor parenting
• Symptoms include inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity
• Often coexists with strong-willed temperaments, compounding challenges

Strategies for managing ADHD and strong-willed behavior:

• Seek professional diagnosis and treatment
• Consider medication when appropriate
• Implement consistent routines and structure
• Use positive reinforcement and clear consequences
• Break tasks into smaller, manageable steps
• Provide outlets for physical energy
• Collaborate with teachers and other caregivers

It's important to remember that ADHD, while challenging, doesn't have to be a barrier to success. Many individuals with ADHD have gone on to achieve great things, especially when their unique strengths are recognized and nurtured.

Last updated: January 24, 2025