The Parent Compass

1. Know Yourself to Better Parent Your Teen

"Parents, fix yourselves first."

Self-reflection is crucial. Before attempting to guide your teenager, take time to examine your own background, biases, and parenting style. Consider how your upbringing and experiences shape your approach to parenting. Be honest about your strengths and weaknesses, and discuss them with your partner if applicable.

Understand your teen's unique personality. Recognize that each child is different, even within the same family. Avoid comparing siblings or imposing your own unfulfilled dreams on your teen. Instead, strive to see and appreciate your child for who they truly are, supporting their individual interests and strengths. This approach fosters a stronger parent-child relationship and allows your teen to develop their authentic self.

2. Praise Effort and Process, Not Just Outcomes

"Doing hard things takes courage, and we implore you—check yourselves."

Adopt a growth mindset. Encourage your teen to view intelligence and abilities as qualities that can be developed through effort, rather than fixed traits. When praising your child, focus on their hard work, strategies, and perseverance rather than innate talent or final results.

Encourage learning from mistakes. Help your teen see failures and setbacks as opportunities for growth. When they encounter challenges, guide them in analyzing what went wrong and developing action plans for improvement. This approach builds resilience and problem-solving skills, preparing them for future obstacles in academics and life.

3. Foster Your Teen's Interests and Sense of Purpose

"What you think is defining about her might not be what she thinks best describes who she is. Have the courage to let it be."

Support authentic interests. Allow your teen to explore and pursue activities that genuinely excite them, even if they differ from your own preferences or expectations. Resist the urge to push them into extracurriculars solely for college applications or to fulfill your own dreams.

Facilitate purpose-finding. Help your teen identify their values and connect their interests to broader goals. Encourage them to engage in activities that align with their passions and contribute to their community. This sense of purpose can provide motivation and direction during the challenging teenage years.

4. Prioritize Family Time and Sleep for Teen Well-being

"Research shows that when kids are part of a family unit that spends time together, they are likely to feel supported, safe, and loved unconditionally as well as have increased self-esteem and better academic outcomes."

Make family time a priority. Establish regular family dinners, game nights, or other shared activities. Use this time to foster open communication, share experiences, and strengthen family bonds. Create opportunities for one-on-one time with each child to nurture individual relationships.

Ensure adequate sleep. Recognize the importance of sleep for teenage brain development, emotional regulation, and academic performance. Encourage good sleep hygiene by:

• Establishing consistent bedtimes and wake-up times
• Creating a relaxing bedtime routine
• Limiting screen time before bed
• Providing a comfortable sleep environment

5. Establish Healthy Technology Habits

"Parents, check your own technology use so that you can be proud of the example you set for your kids—so that you can hone your practice of presence."

Model appropriate tech use. Be mindful of your own technology habits and set a positive example for your teens. Establish tech-free times and zones in your home, such as during meals or in bedrooms.

Create a family tech agreement. Collaborate with your teens to establish clear guidelines for technology use. Consider:

• Time limits for recreational screen time
• Rules for device use during homework and family time
• Social media etiquette and privacy settings
• Consequences for breaking agreed-upon rules

Regularly review and adjust the agreement as needed, treating it as a living document that evolves with your family's needs.

6. Teach Goal-Setting and Self-Advocacy Skills

"Goal setting is inherently a habit that begets bigger and bigger achievements each time it is practiced."

Guide effective goal-setting. Teach your teen to set SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound). Help them break larger goals into smaller, manageable steps and regularly review progress.

Encourage self-advocacy. Empower your teen to speak up for themselves and navigate challenges independently. This includes:

• Communicating with teachers about academic concerns
• Addressing conflicts with peers
• Seeking help when needed
• Making decisions about their education and future

Resist the urge to intervene on their behalf, instead coaching them through the process of advocating for themselves.

7. Treat School as Your Teen's Job

"School is [your teen's] job."

Emphasize responsibility. Help your teen understand that their primary responsibility is to engage fully in their education. Encourage them to approach school with the same dedication and professionalism they would bring to a job.

Support without overstepping. While it's important to be involved in your teen's education, avoid micromanaging or doing their work for them. Instead:

• Create a conducive study environment at home
• Help them develop time management skills
• Encourage them to seek help from teachers when needed
• Celebrate their efforts and progress, not just grades

8. Avoid College Rankings and Over-involvement

"College is a match to be made, not a prize to be won."

Focus on fit over prestige. Help your teen identify colleges that align with their interests, learning style, and career goals, rather than fixating on rankings or brand names. Encourage them to consider factors such as:

• Academic programs
• Campus culture
• Location
• Extracurricular opportunities
• Financial fit

Maintain appropriate boundaries. While supporting your teen through the college application process, avoid taking over or becoming overly invested in the outcome. Allow your teen to take ownership of their applications, essays, and decisions.

9. Help Teens Navigate Failure and Disappointment

"Fellow parents, it is not, 'What an injustice! I assure you, I will fix this.' Instead, say, 'Honey, I will sit with you through this disappointment, and we will work to focus on the positive.'"

Normalize setbacks. Help your teen understand that failures and disappointments are a normal part of life and not catastrophic events. Share your own experiences with overcoming challenges to provide perspective.

Teach coping strategies. Guide your teen in developing healthy ways to process and move forward from disappointments, such as:

• Practicing gratitude
• Reframing negative thoughts
• Setting new goals
• Seeking support from friends or mentors
• Engaging in self-care activities

10. Be Open to Alternative Post-High School Paths

"Be flexible and accept alternative choices, views, and routes to those you may have taken a generation ago."

Explore diverse options. Recognize that traditional four-year college isn't the best fit for every teen. Be open to alternative paths such as:

• Gap years
• Community college
• Vocational programs
• Apprenticeships
• Military service
• Entrepreneurship

Support your teen's unique journey. Help your child identify their strengths, interests, and values to determine the best post-high school path for them. Encourage exploration and be willing to adjust your expectations to support their individual goals and aspirations.

Last updated: October 6, 2024