The Science of Attraction

1. Attraction is rooted in biology and evolutionary psychology

We are drawn to people we find physically attractive—not a radical idea.

Evolutionary basis. Our attraction to certain traits is hardwired into our genes, a result of thousands of years of evolution. These preferences are based on indicators of health, fertility, and the ability to provide for offspring. For example, men tend to be attracted to youth and physical beauty in women, as these suggest fertility. Women often prefer men who display power and dominance, as these traits indicate the ability to provide safety and resources for potential children.

Neurochemistry of attraction. When we're attracted to someone, our brains undergo significant changes. Certain areas, like the frontal cortex responsible for judgment, show reduced activity. This explains why we often make irrational decisions when we're infatuated. Meanwhile, areas associated with pleasure and reward light up, creating that "head over heels" feeling. This neurological response serves an important evolutionary function, encouraging us to bond and reproduce.

Four sequential steps to attraction:

• Health: We first notice physical appearance and attractiveness
• Status: We assess the person's ability to provide resources and social standing
• Emotion: We develop romantic chemistry and emotional attachment
• Logic: We evaluate long-term compatibility based on shared values and goals

2. Nonverbal communication plays a crucial role in attraction

Between fifty-five percent and ninety-three percent of the entire message we communicate to others is nonverbal and unrelated to the words coming out of your mouth.

Body language. Our bodies often betray our true feelings and intentions, even when our words say otherwise. In the context of attraction, two main traits are communicated through body language:

• Availability: Open postures, uncrossed arms, and genuine smiles signal that we're approachable and interested
• Fertility: Gender-specific poses that emphasize biological traits associated with reproduction

Eye contact. The way we use our eyes can significantly impact attraction. Maintaining eye contact for about 3 seconds at a time, more often than not, is seen as trustworthy and attractive. However, too much eye contact can be perceived as creepy or threatening. The ideal balance is to make eye contact about 50% of the time when speaking and 75% when listening.

Touch. Strategic touching can be a powerful tool in building attraction. There are three types of touch:

1. Friendly touching: Casual, platonic touches like handshakes
2. Plausible deniability touching: Touches that could be interpreted as accidental or intentional
3. Nuclear touching: Unambiguous, sexually charged touches

The most effective flirting combines plausible deniability and nuclear touching, creating a balance of uncertainty and clear interest.

3. The "chase" is a psychological game of interest and availability

Intermittent reinforcement is what we try to accomplish with the chase. We are trying to present ourselves as ambiguously available in order to get someone else to pursue us and become fixated on us.

Psychology of scarcity. We tend to value things that are harder to obtain. In dating, this translates to being somewhat unavailable or mysterious, which can increase your perceived value. This taps into the psychological principle of intermittent reinforcement, where unpredictable rewards (in this case, attention or affection) are more compelling than consistent ones.

Balance is key. While playing hard to get can be effective, it's crucial not to overdo it. Being too aloof can discourage potential partners or make you seem uninterested. The goal is to create a sense of mystery and challenge without completely pushing the other person away.

Practical applications:

• Delay responding to texts immediately
• Show interest, but maintain some ambiguity about your feelings
• Have a full, engaging life outside of dating
• Allow anticipation to build between interactions

4. Effective flirting follows a specific script and formula

The researchers articulated three distinct points that would predict how well an approach would go.

The flirting script. Research has identified a three-stage process for successful flirting:

1. Approach: The initial contact, which should be directional (from the front for women, from the side for men), include genuine smiles, and use subtle eyebrow movements
2. Synchronize: Building rapport through mirroring body language and engaging in conversation
3. Touch: Escalating physical contact, starting with neutral touches and progressing to more intimate ones

The friendship formula. For longer-term connections, Dr. Jack Schafer's friendship formula can be applied:
Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity

• Start by being around the person more often (proximity)
• Increase the frequency and duration of interactions
• Gradually increase the intensity of your connection

Context matters. The three-step flirting process works best in situations where romantic possibility is already implied (e.g., bars, dating apps). For other contexts, the friendship formula may be more appropriate, allowing you to build a connection more gradually and naturally.

5. Love is not just about chemistry, but also compatibility and commitment

We plan our education, our careers, and our finances, but we're still uncomfortable with the idea that we should plan our love lives.

Arranged marriages. While the concept may seem outdated to many, arranged marriages offer valuable insights into successful long-term relationships. These unions prioritize compatibility in values, goals, and lifestyle over initial chemistry. They also emphasize commitment and problem-solving skills, which can lead to greater relationship satisfaction over time.

The triangular theory of love. Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed that successful relationships balance three key components:

1. Intimacy: Emotional closeness and bonding
2. Passion: Physical attraction and sexual chemistry
3. Commitment: The decision to maintain the relationship long-term

The strongest relationships score highly in all three areas, creating a full and balanced "love triangle."

Similarity vs. complementarity. Contrary to the popular belief that "opposites attract," research shows that couples with similar interests, values, and personality traits tend to have more successful long-term relationships. However, some differences can be beneficial, particularly in areas like agreeableness and emotional stability, which can help couples navigate conflicts more effectively.

6. We often misunderstand what we truly want in a partner

There was virtually zero overlap between the traits they said they were looking for and the traits they were actually attracted to.

The gap between ideals and reality. Research shows that people are often poor predictors of what they'll actually find attractive in a partner. This discrepancy arises from several factors:

• Psychological distance: When we think abstractly about an ideal partner, we focus on different traits than when we interact with real people
• Self-centeredness: We tend to think about how a partner would benefit us, rather than considering genuine attraction
• Socialization: Our ideas about what we should want in a partner are heavily influenced by cultural norms and expectations

Universal desires. Despite our individual differences, some traits are universally attractive:

• Excitement: The misattribution of arousal theory suggests that physiological arousal (even from non-romantic sources) can be misinterpreted as attraction
• Kindness and selflessness: Altruistic behaviors are consistently rated as attractive across cultures
• Confidence and competence: Particularly for men, these traits signal the ability to provide and protect

Gender differences. While individual preferences vary widely, some general trends exist:

• Men tend to be more visually stimulated and spontaneously aroused
• Women often require more mental and emotional stimulation to become aroused
• Both genders find genuine smiles attractive, but women may be more drawn to men who display pride or even a hint of shame (suggesting social awareness)

7. Great sex is about emotional connection, not just physical technique

No toys or tongue tricks are needed to create remarkable sex.

Elements of great sex. Research by Peggy Kleinplatz identified eight key components of truly satisfying sexual experiences:

1. Presence: Being fully engaged in the moment
2. Connection: Feeling in sync with your partner
3. Intimacy: Deep caring and acceptance
4. Communication: Open, honest dialogue about desires and boundaries
5. Authenticity: Being genuine and uninhibited
6. Bliss: A transcendent, fulfilling state of mind
7. Exploration: Willingness to try new things
8. Vulnerability: Letting down emotional walls

Beyond physical attraction. While initial chemistry is important, long-term sexual satisfaction depends more on emotional factors. For women in particular, feeling desired, understood, and respected is crucial for arousal and enjoyment.

Kink and exploration. Exploring new sexual practices can add excitement and novelty to a relationship. However, the key is to approach these explorations with open communication, mutual respect, and a focus on pleasure for both partners. Remember that preferences can be influenced by various factors, including neural mapping and individual experiences.

Last updated: October 18, 2024