The Tao of Fully Feeling

1. Childhood trauma shapes adult emotional patterns

Industrial societies treat feelings as if they are obsolete parts.

Emotional suppression starts early. Many adults struggle with emotional expression due to childhood experiences where their feelings were dismissed, punished, or ignored. This emotional neglect creates a pattern of suppressing emotions that carries into adulthood.

Long-term consequences. The inability to process emotions healthily can lead to various issues:

• Anxiety and depression
• Difficulty in forming intimate relationships
• Substance abuse or other addictive behaviors
• Chronic physical health problems

Breaking the cycle. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences on current emotional patterns is the first step towards healing. This awareness allows individuals to begin the process of reclaiming their emotional lives and developing healthier coping mechanisms.

2. Grieving is essential for healing past wounds

Grieving is, in fact, so taboo in our culture that most of us cannot even cry at the funerals of those whom we most love.

Embracing grief. Contrary to societal norms that often discourage emotional expression, grieving is a crucial process for healing childhood trauma. It allows individuals to:

• Acknowledge and validate their past pain
• Release pent-up emotions
• Create space for new, healthier emotional patterns

Multifaceted process. Effective grieving involves:

• Crying: Releasing sadness through tears
• Angering: Expressing suppressed rage safely
• Verbal ventilation: Talking or writing about painful experiences
• Feeling: Allowing emotions to be experienced fully in the body

Benefits of grieving. Regular grieving can lead to:

• Decreased anxiety and depression
• Improved physical health
• Enhanced ability to form meaningful relationships
• Greater self-awareness and emotional intelligence

3. Blame serves a purpose in the healing process

Blame is an integral part of the essential survival skill of identifying aggression and resisting its perpetration.

Reframing blame. While often viewed negatively, blame can be a crucial step in the healing process. It allows individuals to:

• Acknowledge the wrongdoing they experienced
• Shift responsibility away from themselves
• Begin to set healthy boundaries

Stages of blame. The process of blame typically involves:

1. Recognizing unfair treatment
2. Expressing anger about past injustices
3. Setting limits on current interactions
4. Developing self-protective instincts

Moving beyond blame. While blame is an important stage, it's not the end goal. As healing progresses, individuals often find they can move towards understanding and, in some cases, forgiveness, without dismissing the validity of their experiences.

4. Self-compassionate reparenting heals the inner child

Self-compassionate reparenting is a term I have coined to describe my approach to remothering and refathering the inner child.

Understanding the inner child. The concept of the "inner child" represents the part of an adult that still carries childhood wounds and unmet needs. Reparenting involves:

• Recognizing and validating the inner child's experiences
• Providing the love, support, and protection that was missing in childhood
• Developing a compassionate internal dialogue

Practical reparenting techniques:

• Positive self-talk and affirmations
• Visualization exercises imagining comforting the child-self
• Engaging in play and creative activities
• Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries

Benefits of reparenting. Consistent self-compassionate reparenting can lead to:

• Increased self-esteem and self-worth
• Improved emotional regulation
• Greater resilience in face of challenges
• Enhanced ability to form healthy relationships

5. Forgiveness is a complex, ongoing process

Real forgiveness depends on the adult child clearly remembering the specifics of her parents' abuse and neglect.

Challenging forgiveness myths. True forgiveness isn't about forgetting or excusing harmful behavior. Instead, it involves:

• Acknowledging the full extent of the harm done
• Processing the associated emotions
• Choosing to release resentment for one's own well-being

Stages of forgiveness:

1. Recognizing and validating the hurt
2. Expressing emotions related to the hurt
3. Seeking to understand (but not excuse) the perpetrator's actions
4. Deciding to release the emotional burden
5. Potentially redefining the relationship

Forgiveness isn't mandatory. In cases of severe or ongoing abuse, forgiveness may not be possible or advisable. The focus should be on healing and self-protection rather than forced forgiveness.

6. Healthy boundaries are crucial in relationships with abusive parents

Forgiveness does not mean you have to seek out or speak to those who caused you harm. You may choose never to see them again.

Establishing boundaries. Setting limits in relationships with abusive parents is essential for ongoing healing. This may involve:

• Limiting contact or communication
• Clearly stating acceptable and unacceptable behaviors
• Being prepared to enforce consequences for boundary violations

Navigating ongoing relationships. If maintaining a relationship is desired, strategies may include:

• Meeting in neutral locations
• Having support present during interactions
• Limiting visit duration
• Having an exit strategy for uncomfortable situations

Prioritizing self-care. Remember that protecting one's own mental and emotional well-being is paramount. This might mean:

• Seeking therapy or support groups
• Engaging in regular self-care practices
• Surrounding oneself with supportive relationships

7. Recovery involves balancing emotions and spirituality

Spiritual awakenings, as healing and wonderful as they are, do not magically create an authentic forgiveness of our real-life abusers.

Integrating spirituality and emotional work. While spiritual practices can be beneficial, they shouldn't be used to bypass emotional processing. A balanced approach involves:

• Using meditation or prayer to support emotional healing, not replace it
• Recognizing that spiritual experiences of forgiveness don't negate the need for interpersonal work
• Allowing space for both transcendent experiences and grounded emotional processing

Avoiding spiritual bypassing. Be wary of using spiritual concepts to avoid dealing with difficult emotions or situations. Signs of spiritual bypassing include:

• Premature forgiveness without processing emotions
• Using spiritual practices to numb or escape feelings
• Dismissing real-world problems in favor of spiritual ideals

Cultivating authentic spirituality. A genuine spiritual practice that supports recovery:

• Encourages self-compassion and acceptance
• Provides tools for managing difficult emotions
• Fosters connection with others and oneself
• Supports personal growth and healing without denying past experiences

Last updated: August 9, 2024