The Whole-Brain Child

1. Integrate the left and right brain for emotional balance

"Left + right = clarity and understanding: Help your kids use both the logical left brain and the emotional right brain as a team."

Connect and redirect. When a child is upset, first connect with their emotional right brain through empathy and physical comfort. Once they've calmed down, engage their logical left brain to problem-solve or teach a lesson. This approach helps children integrate both hemispheres, leading to better emotional regulation and decision-making.

Name it to tame it. Encourage children to tell stories about their experiences, especially difficult ones. This process engages both the emotional right brain and the analytical left brain, helping kids make sense of their feelings and gain control over their reactions. For younger children, parents can lead the storytelling, while older kids can be encouraged to narrate their own experiences.

• Benefits of left-right integration:
  • Improved emotional regulation
  • Better problem-solving skills
  • Enhanced communication abilities
  • Increased self-awareness

2. Build the "upstairs brain" for better decision-making

"Even into old age, our experiences actually change the physical structure of the brain."

Develop the upstairs brain. The "upstairs brain" includes areas responsible for decision-making, emotional control, empathy, and morality. This part of the brain is still developing in children and can be easily overpowered by the more primitive "downstairs brain" in high-stress situations.

Engage, don't enrage. When facing challenging behavior, try to engage your child's upstairs brain rather than triggering their downstairs brain. Instead of immediately enforcing rules or punishments, ask questions, request alternatives, or negotiate. This approach helps strengthen the neural connections in the upstairs brain, promoting better decision-making and emotional control over time.

• Strategies to develop the upstairs brain:
  • Play "What would you do?" games to practice decision-making
  • Encourage problem-solving in everyday situations
  • Discuss emotions and their causes
  • Model good decision-making and emotional regulation

3. Help children process memories to heal from difficult experiences

"When we help our kids integrate their past into their present, they can then make sense of what's going on inside them and gain control over how they think and behave."

Make implicit memories explicit. Children often have implicit memories of difficult experiences that affect their behavior without their conscious awareness. Help them bring these memories into conscious awareness by encouraging them to tell stories about past events, both positive and negative.

Use the remote of the mind. For particularly difficult memories, teach children to imagine they have a remote control for their mind. They can use this imaginary remote to pause, rewind, or fast-forward through the story as they tell it, giving them a sense of control over the memory. This technique can help children process traumatic experiences at their own pace.

• Benefits of processing memories:
  • Reduced impact of past traumas on current behavior
  • Increased self-understanding
  • Improved emotional regulation
  • Enhanced ability to learn from experiences

4. Teach kids to understand and manage their emotions

"SIFTing helps us understand the important lesson that our bodily sensations shape our emotion and our emotion shapes our thinking, as well as the images in our mind."

Teach the SIFT method. Help children pay attention to their internal experiences by teaching them to SIFT through their Sensations, Images, Feelings, and Thoughts. This practice increases self-awareness and emotional intelligence, allowing kids to better understand and manage their emotions.

Let emotions roll by. Teach children that emotions are temporary states, not permanent traits. Use metaphors like clouds passing in the sky to help them understand that feelings come and go. This perspective can help reduce the intensity of negative emotions and prevent children from overly identifying with temporary emotional states.

• Steps to implement SIFT:
  1. Ask about physical sensations in the body
  2. Inquire about mental images or memories
  3. Discuss specific emotions being experienced
  4. Explore thoughts or beliefs related to the situation

5. Foster empathy and social skills through mindsight

"Mindsight permits children to sense the importance of the inner life of thoughts and feelings."

Develop mindsight. Mindsight is the ability to understand one's own mind and the minds of others. It combines self-awareness with empathy, forming the foundation for strong social skills and emotional intelligence. Encourage children to consider others' perspectives and feelings in various situations.

Connect through conflict. Use conflicts as opportunities to teach essential relationship skills. Help children see situations from others' points of view, interpret nonverbal cues, and practice making amends. These skills will serve them well in future relationships and social interactions.

• Ways to foster mindsight:
  • Discuss characters' motivations in stories
  • Ask children to imagine how others might feel in different scenarios
  • Practice active listening and reflecting feelings
  • Encourage perspective-taking during conflicts

6. Use everyday moments as opportunities for brain integration

"Every whole-brain strategy offers practical steps you can take right now to make your life as a family better and more manageable."

Seize daily opportunities. Everyday interactions provide countless chances to help children integrate different parts of their brain. Whether it's a tantrum, a disagreement with a sibling, or a moment of joy, these experiences can be used to teach valuable lessons about emotions, relationships, and problem-solving.

Increase family fun. Make a conscious effort to build fun and playfulness into family life. Positive experiences with loved ones reinforce the value of relationships and create a foundation for healthy social development. Engage in activities that promote laughter, cooperation, and shared enjoyment.

• Ideas for integrating brain development into daily life:
  • Use car rides for storytelling and memory exercises
  • Turn chores into games that require problem-solving
  • Practice deep breathing or simple meditation before bedtime
  • Discuss emotions and problem-solve during family meals

7. Nurture your own emotional health to better parent your child

"By making sense of your past you can free yourself from what might otherwise be a cross-generational legacy of pain and insecure attachment, and instead create an inheritance of nurturance and love for your children."

Reflect on your own experiences. Take time to examine your own childhood experiences and how they've shaped your parenting style. Understanding your personal history can help you break negative patterns and create a more nurturing environment for your children.

Practice self-care and emotional regulation. Children learn by example, so modeling good emotional regulation and self-care is crucial. When you're able to manage your own emotions effectively, you're better equipped to help your children do the same. This also creates a more positive and stable home environment.

• Steps for personal growth as a parent:
  1. Reflect on your childhood and its impact on your parenting
  2. Identify areas for personal growth and seek support if needed
  3. Practice mindfulness and stress-reduction techniques
  4. Model healthy emotional expression and problem-solving for your children

Last updated: January 22, 2025